


Harvester of Sorrow

by FadedSparks



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Child Abuse, M/M, Slight Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 14:45:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 35
Words: 141,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadedSparks/pseuds/FadedSparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being abused by someone who should protect you leaves a scar so deep it'll never be healed, sometimes all you want to do is die just to escape the pain. Jensen Ackles knows how it feels, but endures it all alone. No one knows about the torment he is being put through and he has no intention of telling anyone. Can he hold on until he can escape or will he slowly die on the inside and give up in the end?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this was written for a different fandom, but I figured it would work with Jensen and Jared as well so I decided to see what you guys think. Just figured you should know this ahead of time. - Also, I wrote this story a very long time ago, back when I was a teenager. I wouldn't even be posting it, seeing as I know it's not my best work, but I've had a few people ask me to post it here so I've finally broken down and done it. Keep in mind, this truly isn't my writing at its best.

 

The first time my father hit me I was only five years old. I remember holding my stinging cheek and crying my eyes out. He showed no sympathy, just told me I was pathetic and deserved the punishment, even though I couldn't understand what exactly he was punishing me for. All I had been doing was sitting on the living room floor coloring a picture in my coloring book with my crayons. His fist had thrown me onto my back, taking me completely off guard. I remember when I sat up again I had his face directly in mine and he had hit me again for staring at him like some arrogant jerk. His words had puzzled me and yet I wasn't focused on them... all I could focus on was the pain I felt deep within my heart. My daddy had hit me, the realization had broke my heart. I can remember wanting to gag when the smell of his rancid breath hit my face. I have always hated the smell the alcohol leaves on his breath, but back then it made me down right nauseous.

I would soon learn that wasn't the end of it, but instead the beginning of a living nightmare that would carry on into my teenage years. My loving father had turned into an alcoholic and was a mean drunk at that. I never could, and still can't, understand what made him change so suddenly or why he became so violent towards me. In the back of my mind I know that there is a possibility I may never know. I continue to hold on though, no matter how hopeless it seems at times. Ever since my father started "punishing" me I have slowly crawled inside myself. I have never told anyone about my private home life in fear of what my father would do to me and I don't want the shame I know I would feel if I told my friends and they judged me. I also can’t trust people that easily; something my father has inculcated in me. Plus, I see how they already look at me; I don't want to risk losing the only friends I have by exposing my secret.

My father has drilled into my head that I am unworthy of friends and am destined to be alone. I don't want to believe his cruel words, but after you have heard them for years on end it is hard not to question your own worth in life. I know that part of the reasoning for father's "punishing" me is because of the alcohol, but I also know that it runs far deeper than that. Like stated before, I don't know why he treats me so badly, but it all started when my younger brother was born. I love him more than anything, but I can't help feeling jealous of him. Father has never laid a finger on him and he is in fact a complete spoiled brat. He knows how I am treated yet acts like he is better than me and doesn't even acknowledge the fact that I am his brother. He sneers whenever he sees dad screaming at me and constantly has rude comments for me. I don't blame him for anything, though, that was just how he was raised... father has brainwashed him. Plus, he has never seen father's other forms of punishment, if he knew I am sure he would treat me differently. At least, I hope he would.

At the early age of five I was no longer privileged enough to have my medium sized bedroom and all my toys. My younger brother Jason wasn't even one years old yet, but my father decided that he should have _my_ room. I couldn't understand why he needed his own room let alone my room, but I slowly grew to understand that it was just another way to make me suffer. That and Jason deserves the best! Of course that left me with the only room left in the house, which is no bigger than a walk in closet, and I mean that literally. It is actually a room my mom wanted to make into her art room, but my father complained so much that she finally gave up and left the room alone. The sad part is she was going to fix the walls and put new carpet in it; the old carpet had stains all over it. Now it is my room and I am lucky enough to have father _not_ fix it after they tore it apart. There are huge holes in my walls, and instead of a comfy carpeted floor I have concrete. That is how it has been for years, though, so I am used to it by now.

I have to say that there is one day out of the year that I don't hate my life and that is my birthday. Surprisingly enough my father at least allows me to celebrate that special occasion. I don't receive any presents because I am unworthy, but my mom makes me her famous chocolate cake. That is what means the most to me because she puts her whole heart into making it. I feel so special when she does that for me and I am thankful for the fact that father hasn't taken that away from me as well. My father never wishes me a happy birthday, just sarcastically says, _"Well boy you're another year older, one year closer to your dying day."_. Even though his words are cold and harsh I have learned to ignore his cruel words and just enjoy the day that only comes once a year. I stay particularly close to mother, drinking in her every word of love and praise. The next day things are back to normal, but that one day when I am showered with love keeps me strong enough to make it through the rest of the year. I do receive gifts from my friends, but father takes them away before I can even call them mine. Where he keeps them I don’t have a clue. Hell, he could throw them away for all I know. Eventually the gifts from my friends stopped as well, they most likely think I don't appreciate them since they never see me with them. I wish I could tell them the truth so they didn't think of me as an ungrateful bastard, but I can't bring myself to utter a single word. Call me pathetic and weak, but I can't risk getting my dark secret out in the open.

As the years have gone by, father has slowly started to refuse to call me by my name and in a weird sense has made me feel like he has taken away my identity. To him I am either The Boy, Bastard, Asshole, Fag and whatever else he can come up with to make me feel worthless. I know there is nothing I did to make him hate me so much, but there are times when I can't help blaming myself. It just hurts deeply to have my own father treat me this way, all I want is for him to love me and be proud of me. Deep inside I know that is a hopeless dream that I can't seem to let go of. Even now at fifteen years old he hurts me in the worst ways possible and I have a feeling that I will never escape him... even after I am long gone from this house.


	2. The Day Begins

I wake up in the morning with my back aching intensely; I stretch my body out to its limits to try to relieve some of the pain. Opening my eyes, I sit up and look around my empty room. My walls are an off white color with huge holes in each of them. I have a broken down wooden night stand next to my cot with a single alarm clock on it. I also have a dresser in which I keep my clothes, what little I have anyway. I hate the puke green dresser, though, because you have to fight to get the drawers open, they stick and get jammed constantly. Other than that I have nothing in this room, nothing that identifies it as my own. I wish I could have a few posters or paintings, mainly to cover the massive holes in my walls, but father would never grant me something as worthy as that. He likes my room how it is now; he doesn't want me to have any possessions. What he doesn't know won't kill him, though. I do have some notebooks that I received from Mike last year for my birthday. I don't know how, but I was somehow able to hide them from father. I know if he found them he would take them away, so I hide them in a hole in the wall next to my cot. I have them lying carefully on one of the beams so it is easy for me to reach them. I figured it would be the best place to hide them since he would never think to look there. Thankfully, I have been right so far.

Shivers run all through my body when I put my feet on the cold concrete floor. After adjusting to the floor temperature, I stand up and make my way over to the dresser. I give the drawer one good tug and just my luck... it doesn't open. Taking the handles in both of my hands I begin yanking on it, and after what seems to be an eternity I finally get the drawer open. Taking out a pair of socks, of which I only own two pairs, I slam the drawer shut after taking out a pair of boxers as well. I have to slam the drawers otherwise they won't shut. With a sigh I give the other drawers the same treatment. After what seems like forever, I finally have a complete outfit. My socks have holes in the heels and toes while my dark blue jeans have holes in the knees. They aren't the best, but I am just thankful to have something to wear.

I am up an hour earlier than I should have to get up, but it has become a routine for me. Father has to go to work when I would usually be waking up to get ready for school. I have morning chores, though, so father forces me to get up an hour early so he can make sure that I get them done. Then, as he is leaving for work, he makes sure I leave at the same time so I am not late for school. He never drives me to school of course; I have to walk and therefore have to make sure I leave early enough so I am not late. When I am late the punishment is severe, so I make sure to give myself enough time to make it to school on time.

Walking out of my room, I timidly head down the stairs and keep my head down to the ground. Upon entering the kitchen I see father sitting at the kitchen table with his morning coffee in hand. He sneers when he sees me and motions for me to get to work on the dishes from last night’s dessert. Of course I wasn't allowed any dessert, but it is expected of me to do the dishes every morning. Silently I make my way toward the sink and run the water. Once there is a good amount of water in the sink, I add some dish soap and proceed to wash the bowls and spoons. Father watches me intently as he eats his morning cereal, making sure I do every last one. He doesn't know this, but I don't mind doing my morning chores because there is not much for me to do. Most of the dishes are washed the night before, except for the dessert bowls because they eat dessert after I am finished with the dishes from the day. Plus, the chores around the house get done once I get home from school.

Father is usually home when I get back from school, leaving me no time to rest. He works me hard too, if I take too long doing my chores I get a beating. I can't even hide the bruises anymore and it is getting harder to come up with lies as to why I have them. I usually say I bumped into something and once have even said I tripped and fell down the stairs. I bet my teachers and the school nurse thinks I am a clumsy person.

Father doesn't always work such short hours, sometimes he has to work until four or five in the afternoon. He is the manager at the local steak house here in town, so he works short hours often and gets paid quite well if I do say so myself. I really love those days when father works later though, because mother lets me wait a little longer before telling me I should get my chores done. On some occasions she has even done some of my chores for me. I don't mind when she tells me to hurry and get my chores done though because I know she is only trying to protect me from my father. I don't even have to imagine what he would do to me if he got home and noticed that I hadn't done my daily chores. He would kill me for sure.

I smile in satisfaction when I get the last spoon washed. Draining the dirty dish water I wash my hands and then dry them with a paper towel. I jump in surprise, however, when father's coffee cup is dropped into the sink. I timidly look up at him only to see his signature sneer. I flinch when he roughly pats me on the back, right where many of my bruises are, and tells me in a firm tone to wash the cup. With an inaudible sigh, I turn the water faucet on once again and quickly wash his cup. Once I am done, I shut off the water again and place the cup in the dish drainer with the rest of the dishes. Turning to my father, I silently stand there and await his next instructions.

"What are you, an idiot? Not used to the routine yet?" He asks me in a mocking tone. "I am sure you are hungry, so you better hurry up and eat what I have for you before I decide to just throw it away!"

I watch as he pushes his cereal bowl toward me with a smirk on his face. He always tries to make me feel like a moron, but I know better. If I had simply walked over to the bowl and started eating its contents he would snatch the bowl away, beat me and then I would go without breakfast. I always have to wait for his permission before I do anything. He knows this, yet likes to mock me every chance he gets; making me feel more worthless than I know I already am. Nevertheless I don't say a word, just silently walk over to the table and sit down. There is only about three spoonfuls of soggy cereal, but I am just grateful to have anything to put in my empty stomach.

It doesn’t even take a full minute to eat, and I put the bowl in the sink to be washed later on tonight. Once that is done father allows me to go to my room to get my backpack. Once I have it slung over my shoulder, I walk out of my room and practically run right into my mother.

"Slow down there Jensen, what's the rush?" She asks me with a smile on her face.

"I have to hurry to get to school, don't want to be late." I quickly explain.

"Oh that's right, sorry." She says in sympathetic understanding as she walks downstairs with me. "You have a good day at school and I will see you when you get home."

"Damn Christine, don't sweet talk the boy." Father's loud voice can be heard from behind me.

"I was just telling him to have a good day." My mother argues.

"You don't need to encourage the little bastard! Boy, get outside!" He yells at me in a demanding tone.

I quickly rush outside, not wanting to anger him any further. Once I am outside father slams the door behind me and I can clearly hear him yelling at my mother. He is saying that she babies me too much and that she shouldn't waste her time on me. He is also saying that I will never amount to anything and that she should focus more of her attention on Jason, the real one who needs love and support. Each word cuts deeply into my heart, but I don't move a muscle... I just wait patiently for father, all the while trying to keep my tears at bay. I refuse to allow him to see me cry, I won't give him the satisfaction of being positive that he gets to me emotionally.

I nearly jump out of my skin when father storms out of the house, making sure to slam the door as loudly as possible. I yelp in pain when he hits me upside the head and nearly fall down the porch stairs when he roughly pushes me forward. Once I have my balance back I stand awkwardly in front of him, not sure of what to do.

"What are you doing? Are you stupid?" He asks me in a disgusted tone as he glares at my pathetic form.

I just continue to stand in front of him, confused as to what he wants me to do. What does he mean by what am I doing? Isn't it obvious? I am only doing what I have been doing for the past ten years!

" _Go to school!_ " He yells in an angry voice.

I jump at the sound of his unexpected outburst and quickly run in the direction of my school. Inside I am screaming at myself, he always manages to make me feel like a moron. It seems like I never know what to expect from him. Just when I think I have him all figured out, he does something to totally blow my mind away. I don't think I will ever know what to expect from him, why do I even try?

As I walk along the sidewalk to school, I shiver in the chilled air that surrounds me. It is late October, meaning we are officially dealing with winter and as my luck usually goes, I have no jacket. I used to have one that had holes and tears in it, but it was too small for me and father finally threw it out. Of course he didn't buy me a new one and I didn't expect him to. Now I have to worry about getting sick though, especially since I have to walk all the way to school. On good days it takes me twenty minutes to get to school, but when I am feeling sick or am in pain it takes me considerably longer. A bus does show up about three blocks away from my house, but father has made it very clear that he doesn't want me riding it. I made the mistake once of thinking he would never find out and to this day I have no idea how he knew that I disobeyed his authority. I paid for that mistake though, and have learned to never try something like that again. Being forced to walk to school really gets annoying though, and the fact that I have to walk home as well really gets old, but I have no choice in the matter. Getting sick makes for the worst times for me, because I always feel so weak and just want to lie around, but father would never allow me to do that. I feel like shit at those times, but am forced to do my daily chores just like any other day, and half the time he makes me go to school as well. There have only been a couple of times when he has allowed me to stay home, but that was only because I was badly ill. During those times I like to think that deep down my father really does care, but I know I am just setting myself up for pain.

 

~*Twenty Minutes Later*~

By the time I reach school I am out of breath, but once again that is nothing new. I can see Mike talking with Milo at the front entrance so I slowly make my way toward them. When they notice me walking their way, I watch as they both scan the outfit that they have seen on me a dozen times and then they give each other a look. That look just makes me feel lower than dirt. I know what they think of me. They think I am dirty and sadly enough, they are right. I hate to have them see me in such a state, but I really have no choice. I am surprised that they are even my friends; most people at my school hate me. They tease me because of my clothes and how skinny I am, but they never do it when my friends are around. I can't help feeling that they would be so much better off without me, their reputation would start to go up if they ignored me. People make fun of them for being friends with _"The Freak"_ and I know it bothers them, which makes me feel guilty because I know it's my fault. They always yell at whoever says anything about them, though, so people know not to mess with them too much. There are some exceptions though; some people here mess with us all of the time. I still can't help, but feel like they would be better off without me. However, I am grateful to have them as friends.

A smile forms on Mike's face and it helps to make me feel a little better. "Hey Jensen, how ya doing?"

"I'm doing okay." I say quietly, my voice is always near to a whisper.

"How was your weekend?" Milo asks me as we enter the school building.

I just shrug my shoulders. "The usual."

Mike nods in understanding; at least he thinks he understands. "Sitting in front of the TV most of the time?"

"Uh... yeah, that's the usual." I reply while avoiding eye contact with both of them.

I hate lying to the few friends I have, but I really have no choice. There is no way I could tell them the truth about my usual weekend. I have gotten so accustomed to lying to everyone that it comes natural to me. I don't even know if I am capable of telling the truth because I have been lying for years. Plus, I don't want to know how they would react to the truth. My version of "the truth" works just fine for now, at least they never ask any questions.

"Man this Halloween is going to kick ass!" Milo's enthusiastic voice takes me out of my thoughts.

I give Milo a confused look and he lets out a sigh. "Chad is throwing this huge ass party at his house; didn't you hear a word I said this whole time?" He asks; irritation clearly in his voice.

"Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts." I answer with an apologetic smile.

"Everything okay with you Jensen?" Mike asks in concern.

"Yeah, just got some things on my mind." I reply with a shrug.

"Well the party is at Chad’s house and we are all invited of course." Milo continues talking.

"I can't go." I say softly.

"What? Why not?" He asks with a frown.

"My parents have a party to go to, I have to stay home with my brother and hand out candy." I lie.

"Man you never go anywhere with us, couldn't you go just this once?"

"I'm sorry Milo, but I can't get out of it."

"Well if there's any chance you can make it please consider coming. Everyone would love for you to be there." Mike says with that friendly smile of his.

I just nod my head and they carry on their conversation about Chad's Halloween party. I would love to go more than anything, but I know my father would never allow me to. Every Halloween I am forced to stay home and am not allowed to do anything. I remember one year, I believe I was eight years old; I was forced to stay on the front porch while they carved pumpkins and watched scary movies. I was out there until four in the morning, shivering in the cold air. Father had forgotten me out there and once mother was sure he was indeed asleep, she let me back into the house. Ever since then I have hated this holiday, almost as much as Christmas.

As we walk down the hall that holds our first period classes I see the one person who keeps me alive and actually has me looking forward to each new day. I am positive that he has no idea that his presence in my life means that much to me, but he is my angel from heaven. Ever since I met him, I have felt this invisible force that just draws me to him. He is absolutely perfect in every way and I am proud to say that he considers me to be a close friend of his. I live and breathe for Jared Padalecki, but never will I have the courage to tell him this.

He is currently talking to Tom by our homeroom, but when he sees us walking his way, he gets a smile on his face and waves. I wave in return with what I am sure is an overly excited smile on my face. I can't help it; he just seems to be able to make me so happy. Loving him so much hurts sometimes, but knowing he is bi-sexual kind of has me holding on for dear life to a thin shred of hope. If I didn't know he was bi, I probably would have given up a long time ago, but I hold on to the fact that someday he might tell me that he feels the same for me as I do him.

"Hey Jen." Jared says with that adorable smile of his.

"Hey Jay." I say with a small laugh.

He simply rolls his eyes and motions for me and Mike to follow him into our homeroom. I gladly follow along behind him and sit down next to him at a table; knowing for a short while I can feel like I belong.


	3. The Day Continues

Squirming in my seat, I wait for the class to start; anxious to get everyone's judgmental eyes off of me. This is the one thing I hate about school, everybody stares and whispers. I like school because it is almost like an escape from my father, but at the same time I hate it because it is a whole new hell to deal with. I have grown to believe that my life simply isn't meant to be easy. I don't know how much I can take, though, before I break. It feels good to know that my teachers and friends notice my bruises and cuts because it shows that I am not totally insignificant, but it is also scary. Above all though, it hurts like a bitch because of course, I make up a lie as to how I got them and they all believe me. I mean come on, I am not that clumsy! You would think that since I always have bruises on me they would get suspicious, but they just dismiss it. By now I realize that I am on my own. It hurts because they obviously don't care. I may not be insignificant, but I am definitely unimportant... at least, not important enough to worry about.

Ever since I was a kid my father has told me that I am a rotten child. No matter how hard I try to get my chores done to his standards, nothing ever seems to be good enough. Since I am older now you would think that I would hate my father, and sometimes I do, but for the most part I can't help loving him and wanting his love in return. I want him to be proud of me, just once I would love to have his approval. In all sense I should hate him for everything he has put me through, but I can't seem to do it. No matter how much I want to hate him, it is just not in me. It makes me feel stupid and I get angry at myself for it, but I can't help how I feel deep inside. I crave his acceptance and, sadly enough, I know I will never get it. To him I am just the son he hates with a passion. He makes me feel like a slave in my own home and it bothers me to know that my mom is too weak to stop it.

The familiar feeling of relief floods through my body as the teacher enters the room and orders everyone's attention on him. It feels good not to have everyone's stares of disgust on me. I only half listen as the teacher tells us to either finish assignments from other classes we may not have gotten done, read or write silently on whatever we want. This is his usual speech, so I am not quite sure why he requires everyone's attention when he first enters the room, but I really don't mind because at least I am no longer the center of attention. Taking out my personal sized fairies notebook I have thanks to Tom, I open it to a fresh page and begin writing. I like to write a lot in my spare time, because it allows me to get things off my chest. Right now, like many times before, I am thinking about my life and how father treats me. How he makes me feel worthless and abuses me yet I don't retaliate... too damn afraid to. I know I have to take whatever he throws at me, otherwise it will be worse for me in the end. I have to resist the urge to fight back from time to time, but in the end I know I am too much of a coward to fight back anyway... he intimidates me too much. Besides, I would never stoop down to his level, I would never dream of hurting someone in my family.

  
_Were you born to resist or be abused?_   
_Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?_   


  
_I needed somewhere to hang my head_   
_Without your noose_   
_I was too weak to give in_   
_Too strong to lose_   
_My head is giving me life or death_   
_But I can't choose_   
_I swear I'll never give in_   
_I refuse_   


  
_Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?_   
_Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?_   
_Has someone taken your faith?_   
_It's real, the pain you feel_   
_You trust, you must_   
_Confess_   
_Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?_   


With a sigh, I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyelids as I close my eyes, but I refuse to let my tears fall. My father has drilled into my head that crying makes you weak and now every time I feel tears rushing to the surface I get angry at myself because I don't want anyone to see just how weak I really am. I want everyone to believe the facade I put on, that I am strong and nothing ever bothers me. The way I see it, if I show any weakness then I am vulnerable to getting hurt.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder and it scares me half to death because at the moment I am deep in thought. I jump at the sudden touch and it takes me a moment to realize that it isn't my father. By that time it is too late and I get a falling sensation. My back and ass hit the floor with a loud thud and I let out a groan of pain. Everyone's laughter reaches my ears moments later and a crimson color floods my cheeks as embarrassment sets in. Hesitantly I raise my gaze to see Jared looking at me in shock with his hand raised as if in surrender. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that he was the one who touched my shoulder. At the moment I just want to die of embarrassment, but I suck it up and sit myself back in my seat. I can't bring myself to lift my head because I know my eyesight would be met with my laughing classmates. So instead I keep my gaze on the wooden table I am sitting at as if it were the most interesting thing in the world.

"Retard." I hear someone say through their laughter and I just crawl further into myself.

"Shut up!" I hear Jared's angelic voice say in my defense. "Don't fuckin' say a word!"

"There will be none of that Mr. Padalecki." The teacher scolds, no doubt with a disapproving glare on his face. "Everybody calm down and return to whatever you were doing. As for you, Ackles, I suggest you get your act together and try not to be so clumsy next time."

If it were possible for me to get any redder, I am sure I just hit the world record. Meekly I say, "Yes sir." in reply and then let out a shaky sigh. I can't believe I just did that, it was so humiliating. When I am deep in thought I tend to forget where I am and automatically think it is my father, which results in me acting like the frightened child my friends don't know I am. Now I feel like such a moron, I set myself up for humiliation... as usual.

  
~*~   


  
Once the bell rings and the teacher tells us we can leave, I quickly gather my things, eager to get out of this confining classroom. My friends and I are one of the first few to leave; we meet up with Tom, Chad and Milo in the hall. They can sense the tension that surrounds us and we all silently walk down the hall as one by one we separate to go to our lockers. Jared and I are the last two walking together and there is an awkward feeling between us, seems almost too tense to me. We reach his locker first and I continue to walk toward my locker, but his voice stops me. After taking a deep breath I turn to face him and he forces himself to look back at me, at least that is how it seems to me.

"Sorry for startling you earlier." He says with an apologetic smile on his face as he shifts from one foot to the other.

"No need to apologize, I'm just a moron." I say as the blush returns to my cheeks at the mentioning of the incident moments earlier.

"I'll try to be more careful from now on." He says, seemingly ignoring what I just said.

"Honestly, its okay. I'm just jumpy I guess."

"Okay... as long as we're cool." He says with a relieved smile. "I don't want any tension between us."

"No, definitely don't need that." I reply with a genuine smile gracing my features, something not many people can accomplish.

"So I hear you're... not..." Jared trails off, his eyes transfixed on something that must be pretty interesting.

Following his gaze, I frown deeply when I see just who he is staring at. Sandy McCoy is standing at the end of the hall with one of her friends and a huge smile is on her face. I should have known he was staring at her, because only she can hypnotize him to the point that he loses all train of thought. If there is anyone I am jealous of it would be her, but I always find myself feeling bad because she really is a sweet girl. Figures someone like her would capture Jared's full attention.

"You hear I'm not what?" I ask with a sigh, yet hoping he doesn't notice.

He snaps his attention back to me and blushes a deep crimson. "Sorry... but just look at her, I mean she's beautiful. The way she smiles and her laugh... she's so amazing. I think I love her man. Look at her today, she's breath taking." He says with a dazed expression on his face, and oh do I wish he would get that look with me.

I just smile somewhat sadly and then look away. "I uh, I need to get to class."

I begin to walk away and that seems to snap him out of his trance because he is practically running to catch up with me. I slow down my pace so he can catch up. Finally Jared reaches me and smiles sheepishly.

"So I heard you won't be going to Chad's Halloween party."

"How did you know that?" I ask, looking at him in shock.

"Mike told me in homeroom." He tells me with an amused smile on his face. "You weren't paying attention, were you?"

"No, I guess not, and no I can't go to Chad's party."

"But Jensen you have to go, I need my best friend there."

"I'm sorry Jared, but my hands are tied."

"You never do anything with me; please just do this one thing with me. Please Jensen!" He pleads with an adorable pout on his face. "Please Jen!"

I let out a sigh, but smile softly. "I'm not making any promises, but I'll see what I can do."

"Aw, you're the best!" He exclaims happily as he hugs me tightly.

Instantly a warm smile forms on my face as I hug him back, loving the feeling of him in my arms. If it were possible I would stay like this with him forever. Unfortunately all good things have to come to an end, and before I know it he is pulling away. He tells me he will see me at lunch and then we go our separate ways.

  
~*~   


  
I walk into my house with a smile on my face, but it instantly falters when I realize that I am _home_. With caution I walk further into my so called home, looking in every direction just in case he suddenly jumps out at me. Anything to catch me off guard makes him feel as though he has accomplished something. When I feel confident enough I rush up the stairs and let out a sigh of relief once I am in my room. Setting my backpack gently on my cot I jump in fear when I hear my dad scream for me to go downstairs. Reluctantly I leave my room only to be met with my father's fierce glare once I reach the living room. He is sitting on the couch with one of his many afternoon beers in hand. He motions for me to come closer and I do so hesitantly because of the sinister smile that is upon his face. I know that smile isn't going to bring anything good and that fact alone scares me.

I flinch, but don't make a sound when he backhands me. I have gotten used to being backhanded; it barely even phases me anymore. This always angers him though; you would think I would have started faking the pain. In the end I know it would be useless because I am sure he would be able to see right through my lie. With a growl he kicks me in the knee cap, this time awarding him with a cry of pain from me. This seems to satisfy him for the time being and he leans back on the couch, actually leaving me alone for once. I would have figured he would have continued hitting me; he doesn't usually give me a break.

" _Go clean the kitchen!_ " He screams in my face, causing me to jump.

Before even giving him the chance to scream at me again or even worse, hit me, I rush to the kitchen and get everything ready that I will need. Pouring some water into a bucket along with some pin sole, I proceed to mop the floor. As I do my daily chore, my mind wanders to a memory I have of when I was nine years old...

  
_I bask in the feeling of the breeze hitting my face as I pedal faster and faster around the back yard. It is the day after my ninth birthday and I have a shiny new red bike to play on. I was so surprised when I walked down the stairs that morning to see that I actually had a birthday present. Of course it was from my grandpa who lives in Texas, he is just so nice and caring. He doesn't come around often because of the distance he has to travel, but when he does he always manages to make me feel so special. Sometimes at night I pray that he will notice what I am going through and come rescue me._

_On my new bike I feel so free, like I could ride forever and away from this terrible place. I know it is only a dream, but that is what this bike means to me... freedom. I wish I had the courage to just up and leave, but I am just a kid... how could I survive out in the world all by myself? I hold onto the thin shred of hope though that father will wake up one day, quit drinking and realize that he loves me. I know it is far fetched, but it is something that I long for._

_A scream of surprise escapes me when all of a sudden I am violently thrown off of my bike and my body is met with the hard dirty ground. Groaning in pain I sit up, but don't dare to stand in fear of falling over from dizziness. Feeling somewhat brave, I raise my head to see father towering over me. I just look at him timidly, all the while wondering what I did to make him shove me off of my bike._

_"Bad boys don't deserve shiny new bikes, you understand that bastard?" He asks, his eyes blazing._

_"But daddy..."_

_I don't get to finish my sentence because before I see it coming, father's fist is flying in my direction and before I can even attempt to move it collides with my head. Whimpering in pain, I cower away from him and place the palm of my hand against my throbbing head._

_"Don't you ever speak back to me, you little shit!" He yells angrily. "My word goes around here and you better learn that fast! You are worthless, you don't deserve this bike. This is going to Jason and, if you're a good boy, I might even tell him that you gave it to him."_

_"But..."_

_I flinch and jump back in fear when the expression on his face darkens and he raises his fist to hit me once more. "I'm sorry daddy." I repeat over and over frantically._

_"You are so pathetic boy; you're just a whiny wimp." He says, looking at me in disgust before making his way toward the house with my bike. "Jason, look at what daddy has for you.”_

_I watch sadly as father lovingly hugs Jason and whispers gentle words to him, actually being a father. I wish he were that way with me, I miss my loving father who used to care about me. Slowly they walk back into the house and I crawl my way over to the tree that is out of everyone's view. Leaning against it, I cover my face with my hands and cry my heart out, wondering why my father hates me so much._

  
I snap out of my memory when I hear father yell at me from behind. Right away I know why he is so angry. At some point while I was lost in the past, I unconsciously stopped mopping the floor and just stood there. I know very well I am in for trouble, and just thinking I can't escape it causes me to flinch.

I cry out in pain when my father grabs onto my hair and actually rips some of it out. It hurts like a bitch and my eyes are even watering. When he finally lets me go, I sink down to my knees and rub my aching head. He doesn't give me enough time to even recover before he starts sending blows to my upper body. I remain in a sitting position which makes it difficult for him to hit me so he resorts to kicking my already aching body. I am trying so hard to keep my cries of pain inside, but one escapes past my lips.

"No slacking off you little asshole, now clean up this kitchen like I told you." He growls before walking away.

I close my eyes tightly and grit my teeth against the pain as I stand up. The pain is slowly turning into a dull ache which is a relief to me, but the mental anguish is too much for me to bear... I just don't see how my father can hurt me like he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> The Best of You - The Foo Fighters


	4. Memories

By the time I am finished with my chores it is already seven o'clock. The sun has already gone down, leaving the sky a beautiful mix of colors. I have always loved sunrises and sunsets, to me there is nothing more beautiful. As of right now I am looking out the window in the living room while my mother, who is in the kitchen, makes dinner. I won't be allowed to eat with the family though; I am forced to sit outside on the front porch stairs until it is my turn to eat. For once I would love to feel as though I am really a part of this family. I feel so unwanted all of the time and no one knows about the hell I am going through, nor do they probably care. Why would anyone care about a nobody?

I snap my attention in the direction of the living room entrance when I see a figure out of the corner of my eye. My father is leaning against the wall and watching me intently, almost as if he is analyzing me. I just stare right back -- even though I know he hates it, I can't help it. I am trying to figure out what he is thinking, but his expression is blank. He is more than likely thinking about what a worthless piece of shit I am. I really hate to think this way, but I know what my father thinks of me. I often wonder if everything he thinks I am is true. I mean, there must be some truth to his words for him to hate me this much. I must have given him a reason to hate me like he does. I just wish I could figure out what it was that I did. Some questions may always remain unanswered, though.

A glare soon forms on his face and I let out a sigh, I should have seen this coming. "Dinner is ready so you better get outside, and I don't want to have to tell you twice."

Feeling rejected, I wordlessly stand up and make my way outside. Once I am out the door my father slams it behind me and I am left alone. Sitting myself down on the porch stairs, I turn my gaze up to the stars and let my mind wander. When there is not much for you to do, all you have are your thoughts and fantasies. I find my mind taking me away quite often, especially when I am forced to sit outside alone. Rejection is an emotion I have become close friends with. How can I not when my father treats me more like a slave than his son?

Things have been like this for years, but I can remember there was a time in my life when I was happy. I actually had a relationship with my father. Looking back on that now makes me more depressed than anything. I can't stop wondering why everything went so horribly wrong. We were a happy, loving family that shared a bond that was so strong it seemed as though nothing could break it. Obviously I was terribly wrong. Nothing could prepare me for the drastic turn my life would take.

  
_I look toward the front of the car where mommy and daddy are singing along to the song that is playing on the radio, I have to giggle because they sound so funny to me. Mommy must have heard me because she turns in her seat to look at me. A smile is upon her face as she winks at me. A warm feeling envelopes me as daddy stops the car. Mommy takes me out of my car seat and holds my hand as we walk into Wal Mart._

_I look around curiously as tons of people pass me by. Most of them don't take notice of me, but the ones that do smile friendly at me. I tug on Mommy's hand when we reach the toys aisle and they allow me to look at the G.I. Joes. I get tired of looking at them pretty quickly, though, and I want to go look at the toy cars but can't get my parents attention because they are too busy talking to listen to me. Letting go of mommy's hand, I walk to a different aisle that is a little away from my parents' and after a few minutes I find what I want. Taking the toy in my hands, I walk back to the aisle my parents are at, but my eyes widen when I see that they are no longer there. Frantically looking in all directions I begin panicking when I don't see them anywhere. Instantly I begin running as fast as my legs will carry me, and several times I run into people, but I am too scared to apologize. Big salty tears are streaming down my face as I frantically search for my parents. They wouldn't leave without me, would they? I hope they didn't forget about me!_

_I stop dead in my tracks when I hear someone scream out my name. I turn around to see my parents rushing toward me and I nearly cry out in joy. When they reach me, father takes me into his arms, but I can tell he is upset with me._

_"Don't you ever walk off like that again, do you understand me Jensen?" He yells angrily._

_I lower my head in shame as more tears fall from my eyes. "I'm sorry daddy, I didn't mean to. I won't do it again, I promise."_

_"God I was so worried about you!" He says, hugging me tightly. I can see how relieved he is and I hug him back as if holding on for dear life; afraid he will disappear._

  
Tears fill my eyes at the memory and one slides down my cheek before I wipe it away. A year after that incident my worst fear came true... my daddy disappeared. He was replaced with an alcoholic who turned out to be my worst nightmare. It is unbearable to live with him; he has made my life a living hell. He used to shower me with the love and affection I yearn so badly for now, I was his _'little man'_... at least that is what he referred to me as. Now I can't even get him to engage in a conversation with me. He doesn't care about me anymore and that hurts more than I would like to comprehend. He stopped caring about what happens to me a long time ago.

He can be so cruel towards me; I never knew a father could be so heartless. He treats me worse than a dog and there is not a damn thing I can do about it. It hurts that my mom just stands back and lets it happen. I know she cares, though, because every time he beats me in front of her, she turns her head away and bites her lip. She knows what he is doing is wrong, yet there is not a damn thing she can do either. My father is a very stubborn man and hates when people tell him what to do, especially my mother. She has practically no say when it comes to me; he has made that very clear. He has never hit her before, but they get into awful fights quite often, and usually I am the main subject. He hits no one but me in this family and has always said that I deserve it. He yells and screams whenever she tries to defend me, she doesn't do it often anymore. I honestly can't blame her for that though, I am sure she is getting sick of all of the fighting.

  
_I try to protect my body from my father's non stop assault, but it proves to be futile in the end. My body is in so much pain that it feels as if it will give up on me at any minute, but I refuse to give in. My father has always gotten the best of me, but this time I refuse to give in to my body's weakness. Who knows what he will do to me if I pass out. The last thing I want is to wake up in a hospital. But knowing my father, he probably wouldn't take me to the hospital, he would just let me lie here and rot._

_An immense pain flows all throughout my body as father slams me up against the wall. I feel extremely dizzy, and am expecting him to throw me around some more, but I no longer feel his hands on me. Instead he is fighting with my mother who once again spoke up to him and defended me. I crawl my way up to my room when father tells me to leave, but I can still hear them fighting. I am thankful to my mom for defending me, but I think we both know it will get her nowhere. Father has his mind made up and no one is going to change it._

_"No one is going to tell me how to raise my son, and that includes you Donna!" I hear my father yell. "I'm not doing anything another parent isn't doing."_

_"He is bleeding Roger; you threw him against the wall!" My mom screams, but the rage in her voice is already starting to fade._

_"I don't want to hear it Donna! I will treat that little fag however I see fit. End of discussion!"_

_I let out a sigh because I know my mom just lost the argument and that my father is indeed very pissed off now, for that I am certain the punishment will be severe. I have to mentally prepare myself for what is to come, but before I get the chance my bedroom door flies open with my infuriated father standing in the doorway._

  
The next day, after my father 'punished' me, I could barely walk and my left eye was sealed shut. I walked with a very noticeable limp and every step was extremely painful. My father only made me feel worse since he kept calling me pathetic every time I cried out because the pain was unbearable. I remember that day so clearly, as if it was yesterday.

I jump in surprise and fall down the porch stairs when the door suddenly opens behind me. Feeling stupid, I quickly stand back up and turn to face my father who rolls his eyes at my actions. I know I just gave him another reason to mock me and I hate myself for it.

"God you're an idiot." He says while rolling his eyes once more. "Get in the house before I decide to leave you out here all night long."

Quickly, I walk past him into the house and he leads me into the kitchen. Upon reaching the kitchen I see a plate on the table with a little food on it. There is not much, but enough so I won't starve. My mom must have argued with him relentlessly because I don't usually get this good of food for dinner. Tonight I get one half of a slice of pot roast, a spoon full of mashed potatoes and a slice of bread that has already been eaten on. I know this meal doesn't sound all that great, but it is better than what father usually gives me. Some of the things he gives me are simply disgusting, but I know I won't get anything else so I force myself to eat it.

Father casually walks over to the fridge and takes out another beer as I begin to practically devour my meal. I am so hungry, I feel like I haven't eaten in days. I only get small portions of food throughout the day so I guess it is expected. I am also terribly thin, I am sure I look like a skeleton. I would like to gain a little weight so I don't look so terrible, but I don't eat like I am supposed to because my father hardly feeds me, so I know that gaining even the slightest bit of weight is impossible for me. I am so skinny that I am sure I look sickly. It is no wonder why people don't like me. I look sick and extremely poor, which is a combination that doesn't usually sit so well with kids my age. They look down on people like me and I am an easy target for bullying.

My friends have never met my family and I have no intentions of ever having them do so. If they did they would know that I am in fact not poor, which is something I know they think and they would get suspicious. That is something I don't need. I hate having them think I am poor, but it is easier than having them asking questions and getting close to knowing the truth about my life. I would be too ashamed if they knew what was happening to me at home, it is easier hiding behind a lie.

Once I am done eating, I take my plate to the sink and immediately begin to wash the dishes. Father seems to be pleased because I can see the surprise on his face. Must be because he didn't have to tell me to do my evening chore. It is nice to not have him yelling at me for once. Sometimes I am just so lost in my own misery that I cause myself even more trouble by not paying attention to what I am expected to do. It is a flaw of mine and I have come to realize that I have many. God I hate myself so much at times. Why God doesn't just strike me dead right here on the spot I will never know. It would probably be doing the world a favor! I know I should stay strong and keep the faith that one day everything will be better, but that is so damn hard at times when I have to live the life that I do.

There seems to be more dishes than a family should use within a day, especially my family. It is almost like our neighbors brought over their dishes and added them to ours. I bet some of these dishes weren't even dirty. Knowing my father, he probably just took some out of the cupboards so I would have a ton of dishes to wash. He does weird things like that, anything to make my life harder.

As I stand in front of the mountain of dishes, I let out a sigh and wish that I was anywhere but here.

~*~

Finally I put the last fork in the dish drainer as mom sets the table with dessert bowls. I know I won't be getting any dessert, so I dry my hands and prepare to take out the trash. I can feel her eyes on my back as I walk out of the kitchen, but not once do I look back because I don't want to see the sympathy on her tired features. I know she feels terrible for what is happening to me, but there are only so many looks of sympathy that I can take. She isn't strong enough to stop what father does to me so that expression only depresses me further. I wish she would just take Jason and me away from this hell, but that is something she is incapable of doing. I know she loves me, but at times I feel like it isn't very strong since she allows him to hurt me. I know it isn't her fault, but it still hurts.

I am exhausted from all the dishes I had to do and just want to pass out on my bed. There were so many to the point where I was afraid they weren't all going to fit in the dish drainer, and the possibility that they could fall on the floor and break crossed my mind several times. Father would blame me for it and 'punish' me. Actually, I am sure that is exactly what he wanted to happen. Thankfully, none of them fell down and now father doesn't have a reason to hit me.

Once I have successfully taken the garbage out I can now go back into the house. As I am walking I can see my mom standing on the porch waiting for me. I know that she is wanting to talk to me so I slowly make my way over to her.

"How are you holding up Jensen?" She asks once I reach her.

"I am just fine mom."

She gives me a knowing look and motions for me to sit beside her on the porch steps. I would really like to get back into the warm house, but do what she wants anyway.

"I know times are hard for you right now sweetie, but you just hold your chin up high and don't give up. Things will get better; they have to. Don't you ever give up on your faith because sometimes that is all you will have, and I truly believe your life will get better. With a little patience, life will start to go your way, you just have to be strong. I'm sorry you have to go through so much Jensen... I wish I was strong, but I'm not. It's all on you now. If you're patient, good things will come your way."

"I know, but it's hard to be strong when you're faced with so much." I say as I let out a sigh.

"I know sweetie, but I'll be here to help you the best that I can. I have faith in you." She says as she pulls me in for a comforting hug that I know won't last long. "My God, you're freezing; you should get in the house. You can go up to your room if you want to."

I slowly nod my head as I stand up and make my way inside the house. Once I reach the staircase, I stop for a moment and look into the kitchen. Father is engaged in a conversation with Jason. I can't really hear what they are saying, but I wish I could talk to my father like Jason does. To have a casual conversation would be nice, I am sure we would have a lot to talk about.

Finally, I walk away from the sight of my father and brother talking; I am never going to have that with my father so there is no use in wishing for it. Upon reaching my bedroom I shut the door behind me and slowly make my way over to the window. Much like tonight I usually enjoy sitting on the window sill just watching the silent neighborhood as most of it sleeps. It is nice to have time to myself when I would usually have to be doing chores or getting 'punished' by my father. Sometimes I look out my window to the ground below and desperately wish I had the courage to just jump; end my pain once and for all. But then I always think back on the many talks with my mom and know I have to remain strong. Besides, I am not a quitter and I refuse to take the coward’s way out.

Now as I look out my window, a sense of loneliness overwhelms me. I wish I had someone to talk to... to confide in, but fear restrains me. What would my life be like if I let my secret get out? Would it get better or worse? The thought is most unsettling. The uncertainty tears me apart inside and leaves an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I have my mom to talk to, but I always get the same response... stay strong and eventually things are bound to get better. I am sure I can handle this all on my own, because I have for so many years as it is, but at times I wish I could confide in someone in hopes that someone will rescue me. I guess I am just feeling vulnerable and wanting someone's ear to listen to my troubles. Yet at the same time I am terrified of telling someone, because I have never voiced to anyone about what is happening to me at home. I got close to telling my fifth grade teacher, but then chickened out at the last minute. I mean, who's to say she would have even believed me? If she did then I am sure the school would have contacted my father and I would have been in deeper shit than ever before. I know he would make up some lie and make them believe that I am a liar. Then I would have had to deal with my angry father and that is just not worth it to me. I am destined to deal with this pain until I can escape, and even then there is no guarantee that I will.


	5. Unselfish

When I open my eyes I let out a groan because I see that it is four o'clock in the morning. Once again my back is aching and I have to stretch out my body to relieve it of some of the pain. Slowly rising to my feet, I walk to my window and look out onto the silent neighborhood. This time of the morning is both nice and upsetting. I like this time of the morning because it is peaceful and gives me time to myself, but it is also depressing because I look out upon the sleeping town and feel so alone. I know I am the only one awake... makes me feel kind of isolated. I guess there are an upside and a downside to being awake at this time in the morning.

I have to get up in an hour, though and I feel like shit, so I guess I should get as much sleep as I possibly can. Knowing father, he won't cut me any slack in the morning if I am tired so I better get some rest. I am sure I have a hard day ahead of me as usual and I can't afford to be lacking on my chores. Father would surely "punish" me for that. I am starting to feel tired again anyway so I go use the bathroom and then quickly get back into my bed. I am beginning to feel cold so I cover up with my blanket as best as I can. It doesn't help so much because it is ratted with holes and tears, but it is better than nothing. At least I have something to cover up with.

  
~*~   


  
I jolt awake only to feel a throbbing pain in my side. I shut my eyes tightly and grit my teeth as I wait for the pain to subside. I shudder when I hear my father scream at me and automatically I know he is the reason for my aching side. Knowing I can't afford to wait for the pain to subside I sit up in bed and face my father. His face is beat red and he is gritting his teeth in anger. Of course I don't see why he is so angry, what could I have possibly done while asleep?

"What's wrong father?" I ask cautiously, not too sure I want to know what has angered him.

"Do you not see what time it is you idiot? You overslept by a little over a half an hour, now you have no time to do your chores! If I wasn't thinking clearly I would make you stay here to do your morning chores and only once you were done allow you to go to school, but I will allow you to go to school on time. This way you will have a hell of a lot more to do once you get home." He ends this with a sinister grin, showing his discolored, rotten teeth.

When I hear this disheartening news my shoulders slump and a cloud of misery begins raining on me. Since I was careless this morning I know for a fact that my father won't go easy on me today. Knowing him, he will make sure that I have more than my normal chores to do once I get home, and that includes my morning chores.

"Get ready and go to school asshole, you don't want to be late." He sneers at me before slamming my bedroom door as he leaves.

The force of the slam causes bits of the ceiling to fall down and I barely have enough time to jump out of the way before I get hit in the head. Only now I realize just how bad I feel. My head feels as heavy as a stone, while my whole body just feels beyond weak. I can barely breathe out of my nose, while my throat is extremely sore and I even feel a bit nauseous. I do believe that I have come down with a cold, and that is not a comforting realization. It must be because of the cold weather and the fact that I don't have a coat to protect myself from it.

Getting ready for school takes longer than usual since it takes all of my strength just to get my dresser drawers open. Not wanting to use any of the strength I have left to shut the drawers I just leave them open, which I know I will pay for later. My father doesn't like my room looking messy, even though company never enters my room, and I have very few possessions so it is not like it would really matter, but he likes to make everything difficult when it concerns me. At this point I am feeling dizzy and am about to fall on the floor, but I get dressed as quickly as possible. I can't afford to be late for school; I refuse to give my father another reason to "punish" me. He comes up with enough reasons as it is, I don't need to help him out in any way or make it any easier on him.

Seeing as I better leave now or I will be late, I rush down the stairs only to be thrown to the ground. I land hard on my back and groan in pain as the nausea in my stomach intensifies. I can feel the burning sensation in the back of my throat and want so badly to empty my stomach, but thankfully I manage to hold back the urge. Getting myself into a sitting position isn't easy because of the nausea and the intense pain in my back, I am sure a bruise is forming and I sigh at the thought. Finally getting some sense back into my brain, I look up to see my father towering over me with a beer in his hand.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to run in the house?" He asks before taking a swig of his beer.

"Sorry father, I was in a rush. Won't happen again."

"Don't give me that bullshit! You never learn a damn thing; I would be surprised if you weren't retarded!" He spits at me and I just lower my head in shame.

"Can I go now?" I whisper.

"For God's sake speak up boy; I can't hear you when you whisper like a girl."

"Can I go to school now?" I re-ask my question in a louder tone of voice, but nothing like a confident person would speak.

"God you're pathetic, I barely even heard you this time! Damn just go to school and get the hell away from me." He says, his tone dripping with disgust.

Picking myself off of the floor, I sling my backpack over my shoulder and silently exit my house. Once I am a good block away from my house I let out a sigh, I can already tell this day isn't going to go well. I realize I didn't even get to eat breakfast, but then again the thought of food just causes my stomach to turn. Besides, even if I were feeling better, father wouldn't have fed me because I didn't do my morning chores. His motto is _"There are no rewards for nothing getting done"_ and he has shoved this motto down my throat ever since I was six years old.

Looking at my life I can honestly say that no matter how bad it is I am just glad that Jason doesn't have to feel the pain that I do. He actually gets to have a childhood, and yeah I get jealous of him often, but I would never wish this life upon him. At times I get so depressed that I wish I could either end this pain or find a way to escape it, even for just an hour or two. I refuse to take drugs, though, because there is nothing I want more than to make something of myself when I am older. Alcohol is not even an option because I refuse to end up like my father, which is something I fear the most, and I could never take a razor to my skin because even the thought of it terrifies me to my core. There is nothing that can save me from this hell and I am painfully aware of that fact. My faith in God has slowly distinguished over the years. I often wonder if God even exists. If he did, then why does he let me suffer as I do? Why keep the faith when all you get is let down over and over again? If there is a God then he isn't as caring as all these religious people lead us to believe!

~*~

By the time I reach school grounds I feel as though I am going to pass out, and quickly find a place to rest. My body feels as though it were forced to run a marathon; aches and pains in every joint. I am sweating profusely, as gross as that sounds, and am afraid I may have a fever. I pray it is not an inner fever for those are by far the worst! I am feeling terribly weak this morning, though, and realize it probably would have been best if I had not come to school. Nevertheless, I am here and have to make the best of it. Besides, I would rather be here than stuck at home with my father since he took the day off. I am worried, however, on how focused I will be during my classes, surely it will be difficult to concentrate with the way I am feeling.

No matter how shitty I am feeling though, a smile is brought to my face when I see Jared walking my way. He is dressed rather nicely today, wearing a button down black shirt and dark blue jeans that perfectly hang off of his hips. I notice that he has recently trimmed his hair and have to say I find him most desirable at the moment. He has no doubt dressed to impress Sandy; he is endlessly trying to catch her attention. As depressing as it is, I do believe he may achieve his goal today.

"Hey Jensen. You look like shit, are you okay?" He asks, half concerned as he sits down next to me.

_Wow thanks for the compliment_ , I can't help but think sarcastically to myself before answering his question. "Actually I feel like crap. Why, do I look that bad?"

"You're really pale and look like you're ready to pass out at like any second." He replies as he looks over my form.

"Yeah I suspected just as much, but don't worry because I'm fine."

"Okay... oh yeah I wrote a poem last night, but we have to head to homeroom, so you'll just have to read it there." He says as he stands up.

I stand up as well and follow him into the school building. I am feeling a little down for how Jared reacted to my illness. Sure, he was concerned at first, but as soon as I said I was fine he was quick to let it go. If only he knew how much he shouldn't take my confirmation to heart! Would that make a difference, though? Is my well being important to him? Who knows, maybe I am being stupid and vulnerable, thinking no one cares about me. I have been known to think such crazy thoughts before. Yet, I have to wonder how crazy these thoughts are. Is there any truth to them?

I am relieved once we reach our homeroom, because that means I can sit down and rest once again. While on my feet I feel unsteady and my head seems to pound more intensely than when I am sitting down. Almost immediately after I sit down and get myself situated Jared passes me his notebook. It is already open to the page he wants me to read and that is what I do, even though I have no desire to do so, I don't want to disappoint him or have him upset with me.

  
_They read you Cinderella; you hoped it would come true_   
_That one day your prince charming would come rescue you_   
_You like romantic movies and you never will forget_   
_The way you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet_   
_All this time that you've been waiting_   
_You don't have to wait no more_   


  
_I can love like that_   
_I would make you my world_   
_Move heaven and earth_   
_If you were my girl_   
_I will give you my heart_   
_Be all that you need_   
_Show you you're everything_   
_That's precious to me_   
_If you give me a chance_   
_I can love you like that_   


I don't even have to question on who he was thinking about when he wrote this. The answer is painfully clear to me, Sandy is precious to him. He is always writing songs and poems for her. Like stated before, she consumes his every thought. There has been so many times when I have wanted to tell him the truth. How just a simple smile can brighten my day, and my love seems to grow stronger with every glance his eyes make in my direction. But then I read things like this and know just how impossible a relationship between us is. I would give anything to stop loving him, yet, at the same time, I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. He means everything to me and I need this love I hold for him to survive. But at the same time, I feel as though it is killing me slowly. It is a very confusing situation that I must bear alone.

"So what do you think of it?" He asks me, looking for my approval.

"Good as always, do you plan on giving this one to her?" I ask as I hand his notebook over to him.

"If I can muster up enough courage, do you think I should?"

Now is about the time I could ruin this all for him and at the same time get Sara out of the picture, but I am his friend and would never dream of doing such a thing to him. He is the last person I would want to hurt and I am not cruel to do something as terrible as that.

"To be honest, don't get offended by this, but I don't think you should give her this particular poem. Don't get me wrong, because it is a really nice poem, but if you give it to her you might look as though you are coming on too strong and it might scare her away. Write something that says more along the lines of what you like about her and not so much of how you love her or feel you are _the one_ for her. Do you see what I'm saying?" I ask hoping he didn't take my words the wrong way.

"Yeah I see what you mean." He says with a sigh, but manages to give me a small smile. "Thanks for the advice man; the last thing I need is to scare her off by making her think I'm some stalker who wants to marry her."

"I'm glad you're not offended."

"I take your opinions to heart Jensen; I would never be offended by anything you have to say." He says with a warm smile as he pats me on the shoulder.

Doing a good deed should make you feel proud of yourself, but that is not the case for me. Doing the right thing just tears me apart because I love Jared with all my heart, but he loves someone else and I can't be selfish. I just wish he would realize what he means to me, but I know that is only a dream. Never in this lifetime will he realize my true feelings, nor is there a chance that he will return these feelings. I am just a friend to him and this is something I have to accept.

~*~

Walking down the hall I feel as though I am walking in slow motion, my body is aching intensely and I feel as though I am running a fever. I am trying to keep my mind off of it though, in hopes that I won't feel as bad as I would if I were paying attention to it. Upon reaching the cafeteria, I see my friends sitting at a table at the far end of the room. I don't have any money for food, so I simply walk over to my friends.

"Hey Jen, took you long enough to show up." Mike says as I sit down between Milo and Tom.

"My teacher was a jerk and let the class out late." I reply as I look around the table at my friends, but finding one missing. "Where's Jared?"

"Where else would he be?" Tom asks with a smirk, but says no more.

I give him an odd look and turn my gaze toward Chad, only to see him staring intently at me, as if searching my soul. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly turn away and scan the cafeteria. My eyes are met with preps picking on innocent students, some nerds picking their noses, a prep and a punk fighting at the front of the room and then my eyes finally land on Jared. I let out a sigh of disappointment when I see that he is talking to Sandy. He is much too shy to be flirting with her, so I know I have nothing to worry about, but it is still a disappointing sight.

I straighten myself and turn my head when Jared looks my way. Feeling as if I were caught, I blush in embarrassment. Once Jared reaches us, he sits down in front of me and begins talking to everyone about how great Sandy is. Not my choice of topic, but there is nothing I can do without making everyone suspicious. Therefore, I will remain silent.

I practically scream in pain and jump out of my seat when Chad pats me on the back. He hit me right where my bruise is that father left on me this morning. My face gets red with shame as I look up at my friends to see them looking at me in shock, which quickly turns to concern, I didn't expect any less, though.

"Dude, are you alright?" Chad asks in concern, with wide eyes.

"Yeah, you just surprised me." I say stupidly.

"That was no scream of surprise Jen, we're not morons." Jared says disapprovingly, though his tone is laced with concern.

"I have no idea what you are talking about; there is nothing wrong with me so just leave me alone!"

After my little outburst I turn away from my friends and storm out of the cafeteria. I didn't mean to blow up at them, but I get defensive when I am scared. I hate when people question me when situations such as this occur. I am constantly paranoid that people will figure out what is happening at home, which is something that is possible if I scream out in pain often, or if my bruises are exposed. I am afraid of what they might think or of my father finding out that people know. That terrifies me to my core and leaves me shaking. What would I do if my friends found out? Could I handle having Jared judge me? He might be supportive, but there is a chance he would be judgmental. That would kill me if he judged me based on my home life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> I Can Love You Like That - John Michael Montgomery


	6. Lies & Resentment

Once I reach my house I am exhausted and am again feeling as though I am going to pass out at any minute. Knowing I am going to have a ton of housework to do isn't comforting in the slightest bit, I don't know if I will be able to get through it all without passing out. My head is spinning with dizziness, I am sweating profusely, my stomach is queasy, which isn't good because I haven't eaten anything, and I am shaking uncontrollably. I might be feeling weak and shaky because I haven't eaten, but I am afraid of eating anything because it might all come back up in the toilet.

I take my backpack to my room and it takes a lot of energy to get myself up the stairs, I have never felt so weak and I am having stomach cramps from hell. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I know I won't get away with lying down on my cot with my father here. Yet, I feel so shitty and have no desire to do anything whatsoever. Why I feel so terrible I only wish I knew. It must be the common cold or the flu; I hope it isn't anything worse than that. For the past week or longer I have been out in the freezing weather without a coat, which couldn’t have been good for my health. Now I am paying for something that wasn't even my fault. My father bought a jacket for Jason, but he is the good son therefore he deserves necessities and so much more. I can't help, but be a little bitter about that.

Not wanting my father to get angry at me for being so slow, I leave my room and walk downstairs. I check the living room first and am not happy with the sight I am met with. The furniture is all moved out of place, while the movies and books have been obviously pushed off the shelves of the entertainment center and bookshelf. Not to mention the floor needs to be vacuumed badly. Since my father isn't in this room I know that he must be in the kitchen. Upon entering I see him sitting at the table with a beer in his hand, as usual, but what startles me is he is staring at me. Not liking his intense stare I unconsciously back away, but don't show any signs of fear on my face; something I have grown to do over the years. He sneers at me before taking a swig of his beer and then he sits the bottle down on the table.

"I have a load of chores for you to do boy."

I groan inaudibly when I hear this and lower my head. "What would they be father?"

"I was getting to that, smartass!" He yells, angry because I spoke when I wasn't given permission. "I want you to clean up the living room, make sure everything is where it belongs and that the floor is clean. As for the kitchen, your mother already swept, so you just need to mop, take out the trash tonight and do the dishes. There are mountains of laundry to do in the garage, so definitely get to work on that as soon as possible. There is more, but I know you're a retard so you'll probably forget some things. I'll just tell you the rest once you're done with those few things I've already listed."

I nod my head and quickly get to work on what he wants me to do. I can't believe he has listed so much for me to do and that isn't even all of the chores he expects me to do. Even though I expected more chores than usual this is just absurd. Just thinking about all I have to do is exhausting me. _Please God, help me get through all of this without passing out, give me some strength._

Going into the garage I see the _mountains_ of clothes my father told me about and have to roll my eyes. While there are actually some dirty clothes I also see some clean clothes as well. I know they are clean because I just recently washed them. Nonetheless, I pick through the clothes and start a load of darks. If I plan this right I can take out all the clean clothes and just pretend that I re-washed them. Father will never know and I won't have to do so much laundry. Sounds like a fool proof plan to me.

Exiting the garage, I make my way into the living room and let out a sigh as I once again see how much I have to do. Not wasting any time though, I walk over to the couch and stand in front of it. Building up the strength within me, I push the couch to the wall until it is once again back in place. Letting out a yelp of surprise when I hear a familiar voice beside me, I turn toward the voice to see my father standing there while Jason stands in the entryway.

"You better hurry your ass up with these chores, if you're not done by the time dinner is ready you won't be receiving anything. I don't mean to be rude, but if you are careless while doing your chores then you don't deserve to eat." He is only being half decent because he knows Jason is watching.

"Yes sir." I say timidly.

He seems pleased with my answer since he just left the room. I on the other hand let out a sigh and simply move the chair back into its rightful place near the couch. I can feel Jason's eyes on my back, but I just ignore him. I am in no mood to listen to his attitude. Walking over to the entertainment center, I begin placing the movies back on the shelves as I see Jason fully enter the room. I know he will soon begin to put me down and I just don’t want to hear any of it. I wish he would leave me alone so I could focus on my chores. Doing my work, while having the feeling of someone breathing down your neck, is rather unpleasant. He is watching my every move intently and I just feel like screaming at him to leave me alone. That is something I don't even consider doing, though, because father would kill me for it and I never want to scream at my baby brother, no matter how he treats me. I still say it is not his fault though; he can't help it since that is how he was raised. If I blame anyone I blame my father.

"Yeah, you heard dad, you better hurry with your chores if you want to eat dinner." He says, sounding bratty.

"I heard him Jason." I say as I let out a loud exhale.

"I'm just making sure you do it Jensen."

Ignoring him, I move over to the bookshelf, while still on my knees, and begin placing the books upon it. All at once a wave of nausea overwhelms me and the stomach cramps return with a vengeance. I grit my teeth at the pain and also to resist the urge to vomit as I force my trembling body to continue my chores. My actions are clumsy and I know that Jason is watching me, but at the moment I just don't care. I am trying to ignore how I am feeling, but that is not the easiest thing to do. In fact, it is impossible to ignore, it is all I can focus on. Yet I still force myself to do this chore, quitting for even a minute wouldn't be worth what my father would do to me. By the time I am done, though, I am feeling worse than when I started. As I stand up to do the last chore in the living room I get so consumed with dizziness that I nearly fall over. To keep from falling to the floor, though, I grab onto the bookshelf with a tight grip and pull myself into a standing position as Jason rushes to my side.

"Oh my God, Jensen, are you alright?" He asks with a panicked expression on his face.

"I'm fine Jason." I pant out, feeling anything but fine.

"You don't look fine; maybe I could talk to dad and see if he will let you skip your chores for the day. I'll do them for you if I have to."

"You don't need to do that because I am fine," I gasp out shakily.

"Jen you almost collapsed!" He exclaims in disbelief, with wide eyes.

"I realize that Jason, but I am fine. Besides, you know father would never let you do my chores for me." I reply as calmly as I can, this conversation won't get us anywhere so I don't really want to have it. "You should go find something to do, you know he doesn't like you spending so much time with me... he doesn't want you turning into me."

He frowns, and I feel bad for saying this to him, but we both know it is the truth. He nods his head with a small understanding grimace on his face and then he slowly walks out of the room. I am feeling very sick, and I know I just lied to my brother by saying I am fine, but it is comforting to know that he does in fact care about me. Maybe a bond could form between us if we just took the time to get to know one another like brothers should. To be close to him is something I never took the time to realize I really wanted. Now, if he wants the same thing is something I need to find out.

On unsteady legs, I make my way into the hall and take out the vacuum from the closet. Once I am back in the living room I plug in the vacuum and proceed to clean the carpet. I am carelessly vacuuming, but that is because I feel so sick that I feel like passing out, and it is taking all my focus not to do just that. My weakness has intensified and my head is very congested. Usually, when I am feeling at my best, I am very focused on what I am expected to do and make sure I do my best at it, but right now doing my best is the farthest from my mind.

When I feel as though I can't do anymore, and that the carpet is the best I can get it in my current condition, I put the vacuum back in the hall closet and make my way into the kitchen. I am happy to see my mother in here and not my father. Where he is at the moment I could care less.

"Sweetie, are you alright?” She asks with concern evident in her tone.

"Yeah I'm fine." I reply, not even recognizing my own voice.

"I think you are finished with your chores for today."

"But mom, father will be upset if I don't finish my chores, he will make it worse on me tomorrow if I don't finish them."

"Alright, if you must do anything than go ahead and mop the floor, but nothing else, you understand me young man?

"Yes mom, alright." I reply softly as I begin to fill a bucket with water and a little Pine-Sol.

My mom goes into the garage, and I assume she is finishing up the laundry I was supposed to do. I know father won't be happy about this, but right now I feel too terrible to care. Using what little strength I have left, I begin to mop the floor as best as I can. However, all of a sudden the room begins to spin, while nausea attacks my senses, and I feel myself falling before everything goes black.

~*~

My eyes flutter open only to be met with my father's angry face. I cower away from him in fear and that is when I feel the intense pain in my head. To the right of me I can see the mop bucket is tipped over and I am sure I'm the cause for it. Father is screaming at me in anger, but I can't focus on one word he is saying. I am guessing it is better that way, nothing coming from his mouth is ever encouraging.

When the kicking starts I curl up into a ball in an attempt to protect myself, but it proves to be futile in the end. He soon grows tired of kicking and moves onto something much worse. I watch with terrified eyes as he takes off his belt and I want so badly to move away, but I can't get my tired body to move. As he steps closer and closer to me an uncontrollable urge to vomit overcomes me and I can't stop myself from emptying my stomach on the kitchen floor. Father quickly jumps back before any vomit can get on him, but then a murderous glare forms on his face and it is directed at me. Still not feeling great, I can't get up in time before he grabs me and lifts me up. I am relieved to see that he is no longer holding his belt, but the expression on his face terrifies me to my core.

Without even registering what is happening, I find myself being thrown from his arms, seconds later I slam into the fridge and fall back down to the unforgiving floor. Father is towering over me within seconds and then he is straddling me and punching my torso repeatedly. I try to move and to protect myself, but he is much larger and heavier; I don't stand a chance against him. I am so weak I couldn't fight back even if I wanted to, and I still feel very sick, but now with him beating the hell out of me it doesn't help my current condition. I can hear my mother yelling for my father to stop, but it is no use. He is on a mission and that mission just might be to kill me. To my surprise, however, father does eventually stop his assault and I see his sneering face before everything goes black once again.

~*~

When I open my eyes I get blinded by a bright light and have to quickly shut my eyes tightly. I can hear someone talking to me, but they sound far away. Turning my head toward the voice, I attempt to open my eyes, and luckily this time there is no light blinding me. Blinking my eyes until I can get them to focus, I see my mom staring down at me in concern. I smile when I see her, but then a look of confusion crosses my features when I take notice of my unfamiliar surroundings. I am lying in an actual bed, but it isn't an ordinary bed... it is a hospital bed. Why am I in the hospital?

I look at my mom in confusion and ask in a raspy voice, "Mom why am I in the hospital?"

"You passed out twice sweetie, and you are ghostly pale, you scared the hell out of me." She replies on the verge of tears.

"How did you get father to agree to this, after what he did... I'm surprised he even agreed to this."

"Your father is a stubborn man, but even he realized that there was something wrong. After much persuasion he allowed me to take you."

"What is wrong with me?" I ask, slightly worried, hoping it is nothing serious.

"You have a bad cold that was turning into pneumonia, and the doctor said you are suffering from exhaustion." She explains as she feels my forehead, I assume she is checking me for a fever.

"Will I be okay?" I ask, paranoia getting the best of me. "Will I be able to go home?"

"They want you to stay for a couple of days so they can keep an eye on you, but they say you are going to be fine and can go home in a few days." She tells me with a look of relief on her face, but yet I can tell she is holding something back.

"That's great mom, but what aren't you telling me?"

She lets out a sigh. "They asked about your bruises and are going to ask you about them."

"So what are you saying? What did you tell them?" I ask softly, frightened by the fact that the doctor is going to question me about my bruises.

"I said you passed out as you were walking down the stairs and fell down them." She tells me with a look of shame on her features. "That is what you must tell them as well."

My jaw drops in shock as a nice looking lady doctor enters the room. She gives me a friendly smile and stands next to my bed.

"Nice to see you're awake Jensen, how are you feeling?" She asks me as she looks at the folder in her hands.

"Really tired."

"That is to be expected." She says with a small laugh, but then she gives me a serious expression. "Hopefully you are well enough to answer a question of mine because it is very serious; I need you to answer truthfully."

I swallow hard and meekly nod my head, not able to do much else.

"When you arrived I noticed some rather suspicious bruises on your body, can you tell me how you got them?"

I hesitate to answer, wanting so badly to tell the truth and just be done with it. Looking in my mother's direction, though, she gives me a pleading expression and right away I know what she is asking of me. With an inaudible sigh, I tell the doctor that I don't know how I got the bruises, but that I assume they were caused by the stairs, for I was walking down them when I passed out. She clearly doesn't seem to believe me, but lets it go nonetheless. It isn't like she can force the information out of me. She informs me on my condition before leaving me alone with my mother.

"Thank you so much for that Jensen." My mom says, but I don't utter a single word.

I can't believe she just made me lie to the doctor when it could have been my only chance of being saved. Never before have I resented my mother like I do now.

  
_Lost in the depths of depression_   
_Trapped by the pains of distress_   
_Crying out from dejection_   
_While my symptoms progress_   


  
_Bearing the pain alone_   
_Never revealing the truth_   
_Strong as stone_   
_Their belief since there's no proof_   


  
_Living in a nightmare_   
_Wishing it were a mere daydream_   
_Repeating a well known prayer_   
_While within I tend to scream_   


  
_There's always a tomorrow_   
_For me the start of a new day_   
_The harvester of sorrow_   
_As some might say_   



	7. Back to Normal

~* One Week Later *~

My stay at the hospital was like a welcomed vacation for me. Meals at the appropriate times of the day, which weren't the best but better than what I receive at home, and not to mention I had an actual bed to sleep in. I was only in there for three days, but I was happy for the time away from my life. Not once did father come to visit me, which I was glad about and yet depressed all at the same time. It was nice not to have him yelling at me or shooting dirty sneers in my direction, but it also showed that he could care less that I was in the hospital.

Mother stayed by my side though, which was something I was grateful for, but I am still a little upset with her for making me lie to the doctor when she knows damn well it probably was the only chance of saving me. I mean, how could she do that to me? What kind of mother does that make her? She sees what I have to go through every day and yet she did nothing to save me from my father. That first day in the hospital I learned that I cannot count on her, saving myself is up to me and me alone!

Jason never came to see me, but then again I already knew father wouldn't allow him to. He doesn't like Jason around me and hates it when we talk; he doesn't want Jason turning into me. I don't see what is so wrong with me though. He thinks I am a bad influence. It is pretty sad when your own father thinks in such a way about you. That is why Jason and I have never had the chance to be close; we are never allowed to be around one another, so how could we be close? None of my friends came to see me either, but that must be because they didn't even know I was in the hospital. In all, the only visitor I had was my mother, but at least I had someone with me.

When I was finally released from the hospital I found myself not wanting to leave, but having no choice. I would have given anything to have been able to stay there; the thought of going home just dimmed my spirits. When I finally arrived home, though, I was met with a very concerned looking Jason. I had reassured him that I was fine, but wasn't able to say much else because father sent me up to my room. I could tell he was angry about something, but couldn't understand what. I later found out that my mother had previously talked to him and told him that I was not to do any of my chores until I was 100 percent better. He was not happy about this, but agreed that he would go easy on me until I went back to school. For those days I stayed in my room and rarely came out. I received a few concerned phone calls from my friends, but not once did I talk to them. I was wallowing in my self misery and pretty much closed myself off from everyone. I guess you could say I was living in isolation.

Now, four days later, I am feeling much better and am allowed to go to school. There is an upside and a downside to being able to go back, though. The upside is I will be able to see all of my friends again, the downside, however, is father won't be going easy on me anymore, and that means hell has returned to my life.

My mom has washed my clothes for me, something I usually have to do myself. Today I am wearing a stained, white shirt with faded blue jeans that have rips and tears through them. Yesterday I talked my mom into shaving my head because I was tired of my hair always looking messy. I hate looking like a bum and there is nothing I can do about my clothes, but I _could_ do something about my hair. All in all I think it looks alright, hopefully Jared will take notice of it. I always feel so special when I get a compliment from him, which is something that doesn't happen often.

The main reason I wanted my hair cut off, though, is so my father can't tear it out anymore. I don't particularly like having no hair, but it is better than the pain of having it that it brings me. Maybe I will be able to grow it out again later, but for now I can live without it.

As I finish up the last of the few dishes in the sink my father is standing close by to make sure they are finished. Why he insists on doing this I will never know because I always make sure to get the dishes done. It doesn't take that long to finish, though, and soon I am turning off the water. Father approves of my work, but not without a glare on his face. When he allows me to leave to go to school I rush up to my room to grab my backpack and then I head out of the house.

~*~

Once I arrive at school I just head straight to my homeroom and wait for class to start. Taking out my notebook, I proceed to draw on a piece of blank paper. In my spare time I have always enjoyed creating different pieces of art. From what I hear, I am pretty good at it, but father is always quick to reassure me that I am good at nothing. He is never proud of anything I do; I remember I was ten years old when I learned that nothing I did would ever be good to him...

  
_I rush home from school with a big smile plastered on my face. My cheeks hurt from smiling constantly, but right now nothing could take the smile off my face. Today, while in class, we had the privilege of an hour of art time. I used some color pencils and drew a picture of a rose garden in bloom with a butterfly resting upon one and a little girl playing on a swing attached to a big oak tree. When I showed my teacher she said she was amazed by my talent and that the picture looked almost alive. I was so happy when I heard those words that I couldn't wait to show my father and I still can't. I am so proud of my picture!_

_When I finally reach my house adrenaline is rushing through my veins and I shout out father's name. He rushes at me from down the hall and slams me into the door. He then proceeds to tell me not to scream in the house, though I have to say that he is screaming right now. When he is finished scolding me a smile returns to my face and I shove my picture into his hands. Inside I am filled with excitement as father looks over my masterpiece, but a frown soon forms on my face when he looks at me in disgust._

_"This is what you're so damn proud of?" He asks me and lets out an evil laugh. "This is nothing but a piece of shit!"_

_He is quick to rip up my drawing and then lets the pieces fall to the floor. Before he walks away, he tells me to pick up the 'trash'. Falling down to my knees, I slowly pick up the pieces of my picture as tears form in my eyes. Why I thought he would be proud of me I haven’t a clue, but I have learned my lesson._

  
After I am finished with revisiting the past I look at my drawing and decide that I am finished with it. When I was younger I used to draw happy and joyful things, but now I find myself creating morbid things. Today it is a girl standing in a graveyard at night and the bright full moon is directly behind her; giving her form an unnatural glow. Her long black hair shines in the darkness, while her eyes hold a deep emptiness. Her lean body is covered by a black and purple corset, legs hidden by a long black skirt. In her left hand she is holding a bloody sword, while her right hand and arm are covered in blood. A gothic and morbid picture to add to the collection I own.

I jump in surprise and place my hand against my chest when Mike and Jared are suddenly beside me. They laugh at my jumpiness and both sit beside me. Jared grabs my notebook before I can say anything to stop him, lowering my head in shame I wait for him to criticize me or call me a freak for drawing something such as that. To my surprise, he looks at me with a gleam in his eyes and says that he thinks my drawing is incredible. My jaw drops in shock when I hear this and I am left speechless. I am not used to getting compliments on my art... not anymore, at least. I can't help but blush and look down at the wooden desk. I thank him for the compliment and tell him that I draw things like that all the time but don't usually share them with anyone.

"You have an amazing talent Jensen." He says looking at me with a smile on his face. "Um... I hate to ask you this, and you can say no if you want, but can I have this?"

"You seriously want it?" I ask, once again shocked by his words. "Of course you can have it if you want it."

His eyes shine in joy and he gives me a quick hug. "Thank you so much Jen!"

"No problem Jare."

Taking my notebook, I take out the drawing and hand it over to Jared. He gladly takes it with a smile and places it on the cover of his binder. He has one of those kinds that are pure white and have a clear cover where you can place pictures and such. It feels good to know that he likes my drawing so much as to place it on the cover of his binder. Maybe I should show him some of my other drawings someday, he might be interested in seeing some of my other art.

Once again I find myself jumping slightly when Mike runs his hand over my head. I turn to face him and he smiles warmly before saying that he likes my new hair style. At that moment Jared takes notice of my hair as well, or my lack of hair I should say, and he agrees with Mike. Before they can say anymore, though, the teacher walks in and orders everyone to stop talking. By the expression on Mike's face I can tell that he wanted to ask me something, and there is no doubt in my mind that it has something to do with my absence from school. We are not really allowed to talk right now, though, so I am sure he will wait to have this conversation later.

~*~

Once again, I don't have any money for food, so I just make my way over to my friends as they are making their way towards me. When they reach me they inform me on how we are all eating outside today. I just simply nod my head and follow them out of the cafeteria. Once outside, we walk over to a bench and sit down. Though, instead of sitting on the bench, I sit myself against a tree to the side of my friends. Sitting silently, I watch as my friends engage in a conversation. What they are talking about I am not to clear on, but the subject doesn't really matter to me. It is just nice to watch my friends having a good time in their everyday lives.

Milo looks my way after a moment and sends me a smile, which I return almost immediately. Slowly, he stands up, which catches everyone's attention and they watch as he walks over to me. Sitting himself against the tree with his arm against me, he turns his head in my direction and asks the question I expected from Mike earlier on in the day.

"So Jensen... Why weren't you at school the last few days of the week, not to mention you weren't at the park on Saturday? You said you were gonna try to make it if you could."

"Yeah what's up with that?" Tom asks as he walks over and sits beside me as well.

"I got really sick and was in the hospital for three days. Then when I was released my mom wouldn't let me out of the house, just to make sure I had a few days to get over it." I explain softly; them straining their ears to hear me. "The doctor said my cold was turning into pneumonia and that was why I was feeling so terrible."

When I am finished, I see them staring at me in shock and Jared asks, "Are you okay now?"

"Yeah I am doing well now, I still have a bit of my cold, but I am getting better each day."

"Well that is good to hear." Milo says; giving me a one armed hug.

I allow him to hug me and actually lay my head on his shoulder, stupid on my part because I am not usually this touchy with my friends. They are all staring at me in surprise and I can't help but blush in embarrassment as I quickly sit up. I quickly tell them that I am just tired and am slowly getting over the exhaustion my body has been dealing with the last week. They all nod their heads in understanding, and Milo offers his shoulder to me, but I am quick to decline. He frowns at this and looks away. I know he isn't disappointed because he likes me or anything, but is in fact disappointed because I never show them that I need them or even place my arm around their shoulders like a friend usually would. He probably feels stupid for looking surprised because that made me sit up. I feel bad for not showing them how close they are to me by just simply laying my head on one of their shoulders when I am tired or have my arm over their shoulders, but it makes me feel uncomfortable most of the time. Especially now since they looked so surprised, there is no way I can bring myself to lay my head upon Milo's shoulder once again. Instead, I lay my head against the tree and I see Tom give me a sad expression, but I merely shut my eyes to escape the sight.

"I don't know why you guys hang out with that low life, you're lives would be so much better if you just left him alone like he should be."

I open my eyes to see Tim Parker standing in front of us with his two friends Eric Johnson and Brandon Davis. I roll my eyes and Tim looks at me in a warning manner; his eyes as cold as ice. I shift uncomfortably and turn my gaze to my friends, who are shooting glares at Tim and his friends.

"Hanging out with assholes like you would make our lives better? Sorry I'll pass." Tom says in a mocking tone.

"You could be popular; you can't say that isn't something you want... we all know that's what Jared wants." Tim says with a smirk. "Ditch the fag Jared and we'll let you hang with us, but that is only after you ditch him."

I look in Jared's direction, only to see him look away in shame. I let out a sigh and once again feel guilty. I know how badly he wants to be popular and I am just holding him back. He could just ditch me and have what he has wanted for so long. But he is too loyal to his friends and would never do such a thing. Sometimes I feel selfish for not setting him free. Wouldn't that be the right thing to do? Isn't that my duty as a friend? I can't bring myself to do it though; I need him in my life.

Tim tells Jared to think about it before calling me a fag once again. Each time he directs hateful words toward me I inwardly flinch and keep reassuring myself that everything he says isn't true. He is just trying to hurt me and, sadly enough, it is working.

"Shut your fuckin' mouth before I kick your ass!" Chad says angrily as he stands up and I see Tim back away slightly.

Shooting me and Chad one last glare, Tim walks away and thankfully leaves us alone for the time being. Chad then proceeds to tell me that they are just assholes and not to listen to a word they have to say. I just simply nod my head and look in Jared's direction to see him still staring off somewhere else. Letting out a sigh, I turn my head away and stare ahead of me.

The conversation changes to the guys saying how they can't wait for Christmas to get here because they have family coming into town. All I can think about is how I could care less if it arrived or not. Up until I was six years old I received lots of presents, but that year I only received one. After that I never saw another present with my name on it.

As the guys start talking about the Halloween party at Chad's house, I let my mind wander to one of my many memories...

  
_I am so excited because today is Christmas; I have woken up early and am waiting for the rest of the family to get ready so we can open presents. I wonder what I will get this year; maybe a police play kit or possibly a video game. The possibilities are endless, and just thinking about it causes the excitement within me to grow. I am actually getting impatient; I want so badly to know what I got!_

_Filled with excitement, I rush out of my room when I hear my parents’ bedroom door open and foot steps going down the hall. I meet up with my mom in the hallway and father joins us moments later, holding Jason in his arms. A frown forms on my face when I see that my mom doesn't look so happy. How could she not be happy? Doesn't she want to open presents with her family? Maybe she is just tired and needs time to wake up._

_Father orders us to go into the living room and I do so gladly. I take a seat in front of our huge Christmas tree and wait patiently for father to hand out all of the presents. Father grabs me by the shoulders, however, lifts me up and pulls me over to the side. I look toward my mom to see her giving me a sad look, and it just confuses me further. Father turns my head roughly to face him and that is when I see the sneer on his face. I was praying that he would let me be happy, and a normal kid for one day, but my hope has just been washed away._

_"You know there is no Santa Claus... and even if there were, he would never bring presents for a kid like you!" He whispers so Jason won't hear._

_I just stare at him in shock. Sure, I no longer believe in Santa Claus, but that was just mean of him to say. I am still a kid, and even I know you don't say something like that to a kid!_

_"You see those presents?" He asks, turning me toward the Christmas tree, and I slowly nod my head with an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. "Good... take a good look at them because that is all you are allowed to do. None of those are yours..."_

_I feel tears stinging my eyes at the coldness of his voice, but won't allow them to fall. Father laughs mockingly at me and forces me to sit on the couch while they open presents on the floor. The whole time they are unwrapping gifts I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, but I remain strong and watch as if I was a stone. Inside I am screaming in torment, but on the outside I am uncaring._

  
I snap out of my thoughts when I hear someone shout my name. I stare at my friends in confusion and I can see a smirk on Chad's face. By the way he is looking at me I can tell that he is the one who was trying to talk to me. I blush in embarrassment and everyone laughs at me. In a whisper, I tell them I am sorry for not paying attention.

"You were really spaced out there." Jared says in amusement.

"Yeah sorry, so what were you saying?"

"I hear you can't come to my party tonight." Chad says; looking at me intently, which is something I hate that he does quite often.

"No, sorry, I won't be able to make it."

"But..."

"I'm sorry." I cut him off in just above a whisper as I stand up and walk away.

I feel really bad for saying I can't go, because I really want to, but I know my father would never allow me to. It just makes it that much harder on me when they keep bringing the subject up.


	8. Hell Returns

Instead of going straight home after school I head to Starbucks, remembering that my father has to work later today than his usual shift. His boss is in town and wants him to work longer hours, meaning he can’t say 'no'. Maybe when I finally go home I can watch TV, which would be nice since father doesn't allow me to watch television or listen to music. It makes me feel like an outcast with my friends most of the time because they will sit and talk about movies, TV shows or new music. I usually don't join in because I have no idea what they are talking about. I didn't have a normal childhood and now my teenage years are being taken away from me as well.

As I sit in front of Starbucks, which is inside of Barnes and Noble, I watch customers rushing past me while they shop. Since I have no money and can't afford to buy a coffee, I decide to walk around the store and look at all the different sections of books. I start in fiction at the romance section and read the backs of the novels that look interesting. I move to the horror section, it sends excitement and chills through my system. I have always enjoyed reading a good horror or mystery novel... especially Stephen King; he is a great writer in my opinion.

My eyes widen when I come across the Erotica section. I skim the titles and notice a lot of romance novels, but there are also gay and lesbians books, which I find quite mesmerizing. What I wouldn't give to read a gay romance novel! Though it would probably depress me because I would only begin thinking about Jared and how badly I want him to love me. Besides, these are just books, what happens in them never seems to happen in real life. It is just the author's made up fantasy of what they wish could happen in reality. Even still, I would love to read one, but I don't have the money or the time. Looking up at the clock I realize I better get home before I worry my mom.

Leaving the book store, I hurry home so I will have enough time to get my chores done.

~*~

Finally arriving at home, I walk in to see my mom frantically rush past me and throw some used paper towel in the trash. I just stand in front of the door, watching her in confusion. She stops in front of me and takes a minute to catch her breath before telling me that we have to get the chores done because father called to tell her that he was coming home early. My eyes widen when I hear this and soon I too am frantically rushing around the house to get the chores done. Going into the living room, my mom and I get to work on cleaning everything. She is vacuuming the floor while I am dusting everything off; it is amazing how dirty this house can get.

It doesn't take me long to get the dusting finished, when I set my mind to do something I don't waste any time. Now I have to go check on the laundry, so I leave my mom in the living room and head to the garage. This family seems to always have laundry that needs to be washed; I find that I have a new load every two or three days. Once I reach the dryer I see that today we had to wash towels so I fold them as quickly as I possibly can and place them in the laundry basket. After I am finished, I take the basket upstairs and put all the towels in the hall closet.

I quickly rush downstairs and head straight into the kitchen to wash the dishes. To my dismay, I see that I have a ton to do. With a sigh I turn on the tap and begin to wash them just as I hear the front door open. I inhale a deep gulp of air and let it out slowly to calm my nerves. I can hear my father arguing with my mother, but I can't hear their words. One thing I know for sure is it can't be good and I hope they are not arguing about me. Then again, when am I never the reason for their fights?

I try to ignore their angry voices coming from the living room and just focus on what I am supposed to do. I want to know what they are fighting about, but if I don't get these dishes done I know there will be hell to pay. Tuning my parents out, I allow my thoughts to wander and find myself getting depressed. In just a few hours all my friends will be at Chad's Halloween party having fun. I will either be in my room staring out my window wishing I were there, or I will be getting beaten by my father. For once I would like to be able to go out with my friends and have a good time; be an actual teenager. That is something I am not privileged enough to have though, my life sucks and I doubt that is ever going to change.

I jump in alarm when I hear my father scream at me, I drop the plate I am holding back into the sink; thankfully it doesn't break. I turn around just in time to see my father rush into the kitchen. Before I can react or utter a single word I get backhanded and stumble against the edge of the sink. Momentarily stunned, I just stand there like an idiot while my father screams in my face. I understand why he is angry, when he came home he saw my mom cleaning the coffee table. Of course he is mad as hell now because I am not supposed to allow my mom to do any of _my_ chores for me. This is the reason for the fighting earlier I am sure.

Before I know it father grabs onto my head and pushes me down to the floor, thankfully I have shaved my head and that means he can't rip my hair out. I am sure he is pissed off about that as well, pulling my hair seemed to be one of his favorite things to do. The scary thing is I know he will find a new favorite thing to do to me. Soon I find myself lying on my stomach with my father's foot jabbing into my lower back. This of course is extremely painful and there is nothing I want more than to cry out because of it, but I just grit my teeth and hold my anguish inside. I hate showing him how much he hurts me, to him there is no greater satisfaction. Besides, he knows what he does just about kills me and he hates when I won't give in, which is something I do just to spite him. It makes me feel as though I have accomplished something.

I can hear the telephone ringing and so does father. He keeps glancing in that direction, but doesn't move to answer it, and obviously I can't get up to answer it either. The constant ringing seems to be agitating him though because he lets out a growl as he removes his foot from my lower back and stomps off to answer the annoying phone; my savior. I quickly stand up as father turns to me with a glare on his face and tells me that someone is on the phone for me. This of course shocks me beyond belief because I never receive phone calls. I assume it is one of my friends, I don't know of anyone else who would call for me. Cautiously, I take the phone out of father's hand and whisper an almost inaudible, "Hello".

"Hey there Jen!" I hear Jared's cheerful voice on the other end.

"Hey Jare, how's it going?"

"Very good actually, just getting ready to go to the party."

"Well that's good, I'm sure you'll have fun."

"I hope so, anyway what are you doing?" He asks; sounding distracted.

"Uh... you know... keeping busy," I stammer.

There is silence on his end after I stuttered to come up with an answer and it unnerves me to say the least.

"You're keeping busy? Jensen, are you okay?" He asks with concern in his voice.

"Yeah I'm fine... um... not to sound rude, but why did you call?" I ask, partly to change the subject and partly out of curiosity.

"Can't I call my friend when I want to?" He asks, sounding offended.

"Of course you can, but Jared... well you never call me, in fact you have _never_ called, so I am assuming there is a reason." I explain, not wanting him to be upset with me.

"Oh... yeah, sorry about that,” he says apologetically. "Umm, yeah, there is a reason I'm calling actually... I was wondering if there was any possible way you could make it to Chad's party. I really would like it if you were there Jensen."

I let out a sigh when I hear this and for once wish I did have my hair, so I could pull it out. With a deep and labored sigh I say, "I can't make it, I'm sorry."

"Can’t you at least try?" He pleads.

"I can't go Jared alright, I'm sorry."

"Alright fine, I guess I'll see you at school." He says with a sigh; sounding disappointed.

"I'll talk to you at school Jared." I say before hanging up the phone.

As soon as I am finished with the call father snatches the phone from my grasp. He slams it down onto the kitchen table causing me to jump in the process. He looks really angry now and I know I won't like what he has in store for me. Without giving me any time to react, he slams my body into the wall and I fall clumsily to the hard floor. When I look up he is towering over me with a murderous glare on his face. The smell of alcohol is radiating off of him and I cringe at the offending aroma. It is just my luck that he catches the facial expression and it seems to piss him off even more. I can't stop him as he lifts me up as if I am weightless and slams my body against the wall again, only this time he holds me in place. I plead with him not to hurt me but he slams my head against the wall for speaking when not being spoken to. A wave of dizziness overcomes me as the pain in my head reaches my senses, and if it weren't for my father holding me up I am sure I would fall over. He continues to scream at me in a blur of words but I just focus on trying to get my head to clear.

When he seems to finally be done he lets me go and I slide down the wall into a sitting position. I take in a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly as I wait for the pain in my head to ease. Father kicks me in the stomach, knocking all the air out of my body. I lean against the wall panting, trying to get air into my lungs as he casually walks away, as if nothing happened. When I am finally able to breathe my mom enters the room and frowns when she sees me. I gladly take her hand as she helps me stand and leads me upstairs. Upon reaching the bathroom, I sit down on the toilet and she takes out the first aid kit. I watch her put some peroxide on a cotton ball, and then she orders me to lower my head so she has better access to my wound. I let out a hiss of pain when she cleans the cut with the cotton ball, but sigh in relief when she lightly blows on it to ease the stinging pain. This isn't the first time she has helped me by cleaning one of my wounds; we have been in this exact position many times.

After she makes sure my head won't get infected she asks if I want a bandage, but I am quick to decline. I always look bad because of my clothes so there is no way I am going to walk around school with a white bandage on my head. I don't want to give any of those assholes another reason to mock me even more.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I let out a sigh at the sight of my mere reflection. My mom quietly leaves the bathroom and shuts the door behind her as I continue to stare at my pathetic form. I hate how skinny I am and how my sickness has left me paler than I would like to admit. There are bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and I have a bruise on my forehead that is finally starting to fade. Hesitantly, I grasp the hem of my shirt and slowly lift it up. I visibly cringe when I catch sight of the huge bruise on my stomach that father just gave me minutes ago. I look like a wreck and I am sure my appearance will stay in such a state for days to come.

With a sigh, I avert my gaze away from my reflection and turn on the tap. Splashing my face with cold water, I start to feel a little bit better. Drying my face off with a towel, I take one last glance at my reflection before turning away and sitting on the toilet once again. I am getting so tired of my way of living, I shouldn't have to live in constant fear and yet I have no choice. There is nothing I can do to change my life for the better and that frustrates me to no end. I have no one I can talk to, yet I don't even know if I could find the courage within me to share my darkest secret with someone, even Jared. The thought only manages to frighten me deeply.

With one last sigh I exit the bathroom and make my way to my bedroom. Right now I am bored and aching beyond belief, yet I can't get my mind to clear of the many different thoughts running through my head. Lying down carefully on my cot, I let my body rest in hopes that I will simply fall asleep. I know I didn't finish the dishes and father will probably come and get me at any minute, but at the moment I can't force my body to move. I am mentally and physically exhausted, I need a break, a week just wasn't enough.

I jump in surprise, however, when my door flies open and father gives me a scolding look for lying down. Immediately, I stand up and await his orders. He simply rolls his eyes and informs me that someone has come to see me. With confusion on my face, I slowly walk past him and make my way downstairs. When I open the front door I get the shock of my life. Jared is standing on my front porch and he smiles slightly when he sees me. There is no doubt in my mind that he is confused, he has never been to my house before. I gave him the address a long time ago and I am surprised that he remembered it, or even had it lying around somewhere. My house is fairly big; nothing like a poor person should be living in. No doubt he is confused because of the way I dress; now that he has seen my nice house and nicely dressed family. He is probably suspicious and that is not a good thing. I don't want to have to answer any questions he surely has on his mind.

"Are you going to invite me in?" He asks after a moment of silence, uncomfortable silence at that.

"Oh, yeah, sure,” I answer, feeling stupid as I step aside so he can enter my home.

"So uh, what are you doing here?" I ask hesitantly.

"Asking you to go to Chad's Halloween party with me." He says rather bluntly.

_Why won't he just let this go?_ I think to myself as I let out a sigh and look away.

"Jared I can't go, okay?"

"Yes you can." My mother's voice can suddenly be heard from behind me.

I spin around to look at her and no doubt have a look of shock on my face. I see Jared smiling happily out of the corner of my eye, but I focus my attention entirely on my father, who looks to be fighting hard to control his anger. My mother gives him a scolding look and he actually gives in with a sigh. She smiles triumphantly and tells me to go get ready. I look over at Jared, who seems impatient, as he tells me to hurry and change my clothes. Not wasting another second, I rush up the stairs and into my room. Fighting with my drawers, I eventually get them open and groan at my choice of clothing; not liking any of them, but knowing I have to settle on one of the two outfits. In the end, I decide on a pair of stained/torn cargos and a black t-shirt that has a few holes on the hem and stomach. Once I am dressed I put on my worn out sneakers and figure that I am looking as best as I can with what little I have.

Walking back downstairs I meet Jared at the door and tell my mom that I will be leaving. She tells me to come home at a decent hour before hugging me and then Jared follows me out of the house. We walk silently side by side and I am praying the whole time that he won't question me about my clothes and nice home. As we walk he takes off his black hoodie and hands it to me. I, of course, give him a look of confusion in return and question his actions with my eyes.

He gives me a smile, which in turn makes me feel warm inside. "You were sick recently, so you should wear my hoodie; don't want ‘ya getting sick again."

I smile widely in happiness and gladly put on his hoodie. I wrap my arms around myself with a smile permanently on my face; anything to make me feel closer to him. God I am pathetic! The problem is that I am in love, and head over heels at that. Anything that has to do with him just seems to brighten my day. Not a bad thing, but an odd feeling all the same.

I thank him for allowing me to wear his hoodie and once again silence falls between us. Is it bad that I want so terribly to grab his hand right now? He would probably freak out and hit me or something. Well Jared is not the type of person to hit somebody for something as stupid as that, but I am sure he would freak out nonetheless.

From the look of concentration on his face, I can tell Jared has something on his mind. I find myself not wanting to know, in fear that it has something to do with me. Being the paranoid person I am I wait for him to ask me the dreaded question about my 'poorness'. What I will say, I haven't a clue.

"Jensen, can I ask you a question?" He asks suddenly.

I swallow hard, finding my mouth dry as I begin to panic. "Sure I guess."

"How..." He trails off as he stops walking and stares intently at me; a hesitant and indecisive expression on his face.

"How did you get that cut on your head?" he finally asks.

I let out a sigh of relief, and feel like laughing at my paranoia, but refrain from doing so.

"Oh you know, clumsy me, I tripped and hit my head on the corner of the counter in the bathroom."

It seems to come naturally now, the lying and coming up with excuses and I wonder if there is something wrong with me that it's become so easy. I tell myself that I have no choice though.

It's obvious he doesn't believe me because he is looking at me with disappointment. I simply just shrug my shoulders and continue walking. Jared eventually begins walking as well, an uncomfortable silence engulfs us. It hurts to lie to Jared more than anyone, but I can't bring myself to tell him the truth. Besides, who’s to say he would understand anyway? He would either be judgmental or hypercritical and I couldn’t take either of those. Things are best the way they are now. If I could only ease whatever suspicions he must have now so that everything could go back to normal.

To take my mind off the situation, I think about the night ahead of me. I have never been to a party before and find myself scared yet excited all at the same time. I hope everything goes well and I have a good time. I need a night of fun for once.


	9. Chad's Halloween Party

When we reach Chad's house Jared opens the door to go inside but I just stand back and don't move. I look inside the house and uneasiness settles in the pit of my stomach when I see how many people are here. I feel unwanted and out of place. Maybe the party scene isn't for me. I have never been a social person, mainly because of my father and the fact that people seem not to like me. Now that I am here though I feel like I don't belong, which is pretty silly considering I was invited and it is my friend's party.

Jared looks back at me and tells me to relax. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and then slowly make my way into the house. Loud rock music is playing and many people are wearing costumes, while others decided to go casual. I follow closely behind Jared so I don't get lost in the crowd as he leads the way to the kitchen. We see Tom and make our way over to him. He greets us with a smile and in turn we both smile as well. He and Jared engage in a conversation while I look around at everyone that is here. There are a lot of unfamiliar faces, but I assume most of them go to our school. It is hard to imagine that so many people can fit into such a simple house. Not to mention the house is only a bungalow with only two or three bedrooms. There seems to be many people outside, what they are doing I am not quite sure. Even though I feel out of place and like I shouldn't be here, I am more relieved to not be at home with my father, probably being his punching bag right about now.

I spot Chad with his girlfriend, Sophia, out on the make shift dance floor. He is dressed as a rap star while she is dressed like a Charlie's Angel. What really makes me laugh though is when I spot Milo trying to make his way through the crowd dressed in a big green frog costume. I have to say it is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen! Jared and Tom look in Milo's direction when they hear my laughter and soon all three of us are laughing hysterically. Milo gives us a confused look and as soon as he reaches us he asks what we are laughing at. I am still laughing too hard to answer, but Tom, through his panting, tells him it is his outfit. Milo rolls his eyes at the answer and says that we are stupid, but frowns when Jared says it is better than _looking_ stupid. Milo pouts and tells us to fuck off before walking away.

I just chuckle softly to myself as I sit down at the kitchen table. Mike enters the kitchen moments later and sits down across from me. I watch as Jared grabs a beer from the refrigerator and I can't help the smile that forms on my face. He is dressed casually, much like myself, and is now wearing his hat backwards. Anything he wears looks amazing in my opinion though. I don't think he could look bad even if he tried. He has that adorable smile of his on his face when he turns to us and asks if we want a beer. Mike and Tom are quick to say yes, but I just remain silent. Jared hands the guys their drinks and then turns to me with a questioning look on his face.

"Don't you want one Jen?" He asks with a slight frown.

"Um, no... actually I'll just take water or... a soda would be good."

"Just a soda?" He asks with a frown. "Fine, wimp, soda it is."

I really don't mind him calling me a wimp because I'm sure if he knew the real reason _why_ I didn't want a drink he would not call me that. I watch as Jared takes out another beer and takes off the cap with a bottle opener, I can't help but frown. He takes a long swig of his beer and I inwardly cringe, thinking right away of my father. Even though this is Jared, and I love him more than anything in this world, I find it hard to trust anyone who is drinking. I don't like being this way, and I know not everyone is like my father when they drink, but I still can't help being paranoid around anyone who drinks. With the way my father drinks and what he becomes because of it, I think I will have that paranoia for the rest of my life, not to mention the trust issue is with me to stay. I find it hard to trust many people, and that includes Jared. Sure, I trust him and my friends more than most people, but not completely like I wish I could.

I can't help but feel like it is too good to be true and I am constantly paranoid over the fact that there is a chance that any of them could hurt me. I know I shouldn't be paranoid and afraid, but I can't help it... my father made me this way.

I stand up suddenly, not wanting to sit anymore, and go stand beside Jared, who in turn hands me my soda. It is nice to have a cold soda to drink for once, at home father only allows me to have water. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things I can't do at home. I can't watch TV or listen to music; I am not allowed to eat unless father says so and even then there are only small portions. I am not allowed to go out with the family because I think my father is ashamed of me, or he does everything he can to make me feel like shit. Another sad thing is I am at a party and all I can think about is my bad home life, how pathetic is that?

I am suddenly pulled from my thoughts when I hear Jared talking about Sandy, how typical of me right? He is saying how beautiful she looks tonight and how he wishes he could just go talk to her. I try not to let it bother me, but once again I fail miserably. He is watching her from across the room with that dazed expression on his face. He keeps repeating how he wants to talk to her and I think Tom is getting just as annoyed with it as I am because he tells him to stop talking and just go do it already. Jared picks up his beer with a determined expression on his features.

"That’s exactly what I intend to do," he says and walks off.

I just stand there with a morose look and watch as Jared makes his way toward Sandy. I wish he would have stayed with me and talked to me instead, but I know that would be asking a little too much. Why would he want to talk to me when he can talk to her?

I start to feel uncomfortable when Tom walks away to talk to his friend Susan and I know that soon Mike will walk away as well. I don't expect them to stay by my side all night anyway. Besides, it is not like I need a baby sitter. I look in Mike's direction when I feel someone staring at me and smile uncomfortably when I see him staring intently back at me. Out of all my friends I think he is one of my best, but the way he is looking at me is making me feel uneasy. I watch as he stands up and tells me he is going to go find Milo so he can make fun of his outfit. I let out a soft laugh and nod my head. My eyes widen in shock however, when he looks me up and down with an indescribable expression on his face and then he quickly walks away. _Was he just checking me out? No, there is no way he would be looking at me in such a way!_ I thought to myself, yet I still have to wonder...

Wanting to get Mike, and this thought out of my head, I look around the place in search of Jared. Once I spot him I scold myself for trying to find him in the first place because I find myself getting depressed. He is standing with Sandy and she is laughing every few seconds at something he says. Not to mention, there is a constant smile on her face. They look like a happy couple and that really bothers me. She looks like she likes him a lot, but then again can you blame her? He is absolutely perfect, and surely I am not the only one who sees it. Sadly enough, I am sure they will eventually get together, it is inevitable. What will I do then? Will I be able to handle it? I don't want to think about Jared and Sandy together, but I kind of have to at this point.

"Don't worry Jensen, it won't last long." I hear Chad's voice from beside me, and I jump in alarm because I didn't even know he was there.

"Calm down man, no one's here to hurt you." Sophia says with a friendly smile, and I blush in embarrassment.

"Sorry, but what are you talking about Chad?" I say with a slight chuckle trying to hide my embarrassment.

"You know very well what I'm talking about." Chad says with a smirk. "I know you like Jared. Don't worry about Sandy though, because this little crush he has on her won't last long."

"It's more than just a crush." I say with a sigh as I turn my gaze back to Jared.

"Maybe so, but eventually he will see who truly cares for him and realize that there was love for you inside of him all along." Sophia says as she rubs my back soothingly, not realizing how painful it is for me.

"He is too blinded by his love for her." I say softly, discretely moving away from Sophia's hand.

"I don't think you give him enough credit." Chad says; looking at me intently like he often does.

"Look, guys, I'm grateful to you for trying to cheer me up, but I know I have no chance with Jared. I appreciate what you're doing for me, but I don't want to give myself false hope."

Chad and Sophia both look at me sadly and I give them a small smile before excusing myself to the bathroom. I really don't want to have that conversation with them. For one, I had no idea that anyone noticed my feelings toward Jared, which makes me feel uncomfortable, and for another, I don't need them putting any false hopes in my head. Jared loves Sandy, there is no way he would want me and I accept this. Well, maybe not accept it, but I try and deal with it.

Fighting my way through the crowd I make my way down the hall to the bathroom and luckily there is no one occupying it. Locking myself inside, I look at my reflection in the mirror and feel like smashing my fist into it just so I won't have to look at myself. I keep myself under control, of course, and simply lean my body against the wall. My tired mind seems to be over worked since I feel a headache coming on and still, thoughts won't let it rest. Just looking at my reflection I have to ask myself what Jared would ever see in me. The answer I come back with is there is nothing about me he would find attractive. I mean, how could he? My appearance is a mess and even on the inside I am a wreck! I never speak in a loud, confident voice because it has been beaten out of me, so I speak just above a whisper. I find it hard to trust anyone let alone myself and I am constantly afraid and jumpy, especially when someone talks to me when I don't know they are there. I have more baggage than a person would want to deal with!

I am suddenly startled when there is a knock on the door and someone asks if I am going to come out anytime soon. I let out a sigh and unlock the door; I open it and get out just in time for the person to rush inside. Jumping slightly when the door slams shut behind me, I slowly begin to make my way down the hall to return to the party. I yelp in alarm, however, when someone grabs onto me and pulls me into one of the bedrooms. I feel myself being slammed against the wall and pinned there, I close my eyes tightly in fright. When I finally force my eyes open I come face to face with Tim Parker. Staring at him in disbelief, I silently wonder what he plans on doing to me. I flinch when the stench of alcohol hits my face as he begins to speak.

"I knew I would get you alone eventually." He whispers as he runs his hand down my cheek.

"What the hell do you want?"

"Do you know how hard it is to keep my feelings hidden? The guys would think I was a freak if they knew I liked you. Seeing you practically everyday of my fucking life is torture when I know I can't have you. But now we are alone and I don't have to hide any longer." He slurs, showing just how wasted he is. "I have dreamt of this day forever Jensen... you have no idea."

My eyes widen in shock when I hear this and before I have time to react his lips are forcefully on mine. It is such a shock that something like this is happening and all I can think about is that my first kiss is with Tim... _Eww!_ I push against his shoulders, but sadly enough he doesn't budge. Soon I feel myself being pulled away from the wall and pushed onto the bed. Tim is on top of me within a matter of seconds, kissing me again with alcohol laced breath and all I want to do is gag. He is getting aggressive and it is starting to really scare me. I frantically try to push him off of me, but he grabs my wrists and pins them down against the bed; I am no match against his strength. The feel of his left hand roaming my body makes my skin crawl and I want so badly to stop him, but I am not strong enough. It's times like this when I wish I wasn't so damn skinny and weak, I feel helpless and vulnerable.

When he begins clumsily trying to unbutton my pants, his hand constantly running up the front of my jeans, the reality of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks. Tim's legs spread mine and I feel him hard against my hip, rocking back and forth. The possibility of what is about to take place dawns on me and leaves me frightened and paralyzed. He works my zipper down and reaches his hand inside, warm fingers playing over top of my boxers. Tears fill my eyes as I turn my head away from his kisses on my cheek and his crude words. Usually I won't allow myself to cry, I try to keep my tears in at all costs, but considering my current situation I can't keep them at bay any longer. Words like _hard_ and _deep inside_ are coming out of his mouth, as he tries to get my pants down my thighs. He moves over top of me once more, grinding down and I finally have enough strength to tear my mouth away from his and start to scream hysterically. I pray to God that someone hears me over the loud music and saves me from this nightmare!

Tim sits up with wide eyes, as if he just realized what he is doing, and stares at me in shock. He opens his mouth to speak, but I use this opportunity to knee him in the crotch with as much strength as I can muster up. He doubles over in pain and I push him off of me. Quickly getting off of the bed, I unlock the door and rush out of the room. I quickly fix my pants and wipe my eyes before running into the living room in search of Jared. At this point there is nothing I want more than to go home, and that is saying a lot considering I hate going home. I have just had enough of this party!

I finally spot Jared standing by the wall with Sandy and I quickly rush over to him. Frantically, I tap him on his shoulder and he turns around with an irritated expression on his face; obviously not in a good mood.

"Jared I can't stay here, I want to go home." I say as I fight to contain the sobs that threaten to overtake my body.

"So? Then go home if ya want," he says and turns back to Sandy.

"Can you walk with me? I really don't want to be alone right now." I plead with him; desperation in my voice.

"God Jensen, I'm not your babysitter, you can make it home just fine on your own!" He snaps; frustration clear in his tone.

I stare at him with wide eyes; he has never talked to me like this before. I am more then a little hurt by how he is treating me because I really need him right now.

"But Jared..." I start to say.

"You know what... everyone's lives don't revolve around you, can't you think of me for once? I give up so much just to be your friend and it is times like this when I really begin to wonder why. If it weren't for you I could have so much that would make my life better, but I am a loyal friend and don't want to do such a thing to you. My life would be so much better if you got out of it. You have ruined my life Jensen!" Jared shouts the last part over the music.

Tears break past my barriers and spill down my cheeks once again. Why is he being so cruel towards me, what did I do wrong? This is how he truly feels, he regrets ever being my friend and he obviously hates me. Is this all my fault, like he says it is? Do I only think of myself? Am I selfish?

I lower my head as pain courses through my heart. "Sorry for ruining your life," I say in a small voice, slowly turning around and making my way towards the front door. Once there I open it and look back in Jared's direction. He has a sad look on his face and Sandy looks like she’s having a serious talk with him; a disapproving expression on her face. Not caring what they are talking about, I exit the house and begin walking down the street. Uncontrollable tears are streaming down my face, but at the moment I could really care less.

When I reach all the stores in town I walk around to the side of Wal-Mart. Out of everyone's sight I sit down with my knees against my chest. Breathing a heavy sigh, I finally force my tears inside and won't allow myself to shed even one more; hating how weak I am. I feel so depressed and I can't help but wonder: did I just lose the one person who means the world to me just by being myself? This can't be my fault like he says it is, because I did nothing wrong. Sure, I have a lot of problems and they consume most of my thoughts most of the time, but not once have I ever burdened my friends with them. Besides, Jared and his feelings are a top priority to me; I care about what he wants in life. It is not my fault he isn't popular like he wants. I don't see why he wants to be popular anyway; all the popular people are assholes. This little incident just proves to me that I can't trust Jared. I can't trust anyone because of fear of getting hurt in the end.

I hate my insecurities, I hate my paranoia, I hate the fact that I have trust issues, but most of all I hate myself in general. My father made me this way and I resent him for it. I could have been raped tonight and I needed a friend, but now I am glad I didn't tell Jared. I don't know if I could trust him with this kind of information, _no one_ must know about what happened tonight.

Because of my father, I find it hard to trust anyone, and it is pretty sad when you are not sure if you can trust your own friends. I hate to cry because _he_ says that is a sign of weakness. I hate how weak I really am. I play everything on the safe side and have more secrets than a normal teenager should have to be burdened with. I am constantly afraid to let anyone in for fear of getting hurt, or having them find out about my father's form of punishment. That is not how I should have to live, and yet I have no other choice. I have only one person to blame for everything, and that is my father. Jared says I ruined his life... well; my father is the reason for me having no life at all.


	10. Suspicion

I wake up in the morning to a pounding headache. The events from last night re-enter my mind and I let out a groan. With much effort, I sit up on my cot and rub my eyes in an attempt to wake up. Turning off my alarm, I let out a yawn and stand up slowly. I am still wearing my clothes from yesterday and don't plan on changing. I am also wearing Jared's hoodie, which I need to return to him once I get to school. I probably won't give it to him directly though because I don't really want to talk to him right now... not after last night. I will just give it to one of the guys so they can give it back to him.

Walking out of my room I head into the bathroom and do my morning routine. After I am finished brushing my teeth I exit the bathroom and return to my room so I can put on my shoes. I can hear father downstairs and have to let out a sigh. I am sure that he is going to bring up the fact that I went out last night. It is bad enough that I had a horrible night, but now I have to deal with my father for even going in the first place. I wish so badly that I could go back in time and refuse to go out at all. I know there will be consequences to suffer so I decide to just suck it up and deal with what I have coming to me.

Hesitantly I exit my room and make my way downstairs. Upon entering the kitchen my father turns to me with an evil glare on his face. He stalks over to me and I wait for him to hit me, but nothing ever happens. He is just staring down at me; my guess is he's trying to intimidate me as usual. I keep my face as hard as stone and force myself not to cower in fear, which I have to admit is something I really want to do. I won't allow him to know this, but he does in fact intimidate me.

"So you wanted to go have fun at your little party, huh?" He asks in a cold tone that makes my insides turn with fear. "I bet you feel good about yourself now."

I lower my head; I just can't find the courage to look into his eyes any longer. I know he is angry with me and I am sure the outcome will be painful. I knew better than to go to the party, to disobey him, why didn't I listen to my instincts? My punishment would be inevitable so why did I allow myself to be put in such a situation? Why do I always cause myself more pain than I am normally put through? Normally I do everything I can to do what he asks of me without any complaints, and yet I find myself doing something wrong time and time again. I never seem to learn my lesson. Is there something wrong with me?

"So, what, you can't even talk now?" He asks with a sneer. I lift my head to look into his cold eyes.

"You're more pathetic than I thought; just a waste of skin is what you are," he spat out.

Lowering my head back down, I close my eyes and let him continue to insult me. I have to admit though that I am not listening to a word he is saying. I know he thinks I am worthless; I don't need to hurt myself by listening to his cruel words every time they pass through his lips. I am sure he is ranting right now, informing me of my every flaw. He takes pleasure in criticizing me and I just don't want to hear any of it. I had a horrible night and I am in a bad mood; dealing with my father just makes it worse.

I yelp in pain when my father punches me in the head, saying something about not paying attention. The blow was so forceful that I find myself on the floor with an aching forehead. He must have used all his strength because I am feeling really dizzy from the blow. Feeling disoriented I realize that I am no longer on the floor but being held up by Jared's hoodie. Father has his hands fisted into it and then he slams me into the nearest wall. He keeps saying how I used my mother against him and that I should rot in hell. I just seem to piss him off more by not saying a word, or even flinching when he hits me. I have become numb on the inside and uncaring of the fact that he is torturing my body with his cruel hands.

My eyes widen and I gasp for air when father's hand tightens around my neck. With each gasp I make his grasp on my neck tighten and I am forced to look at his sneering face. He is proud of what he is doing, choking the life out of me; finally getting a reaction out of me. My head feels like it is going to explode as I feel his grip tightening. I am sure I'm turning blue and father couldn't be happier to see this, in all honesty I think he wants me dead. I can't breathe at all and I feel like I am going to pass out; my body is giving up on me. Who knows, maybe I will die and finally make my father happy.

The last thing I see is my father's face before everything goes black...

~*~

My eyes open to find my vision blurry and I feel a little disoriented. I am lying on the floor in the kitchen and thankfully my father is nowhere in sight. Slowly, I sit up and wait for my head to stop spinning before I stand up. Leaning against the wall, I inhale a large amount of oxygen into my lungs before letting it out slowly. I cough slightly and my throat feels a bit sore, but other than that I am feeling better than I expected. I am just in shock over the fact that my father tried to strangle me to death. My question now is why did he let me live? Could it be that he wants me around to be his slave and punching bag, or was he just scared of being arrested? Or is it quite possible that deep down inside he does care about me and doesn't want me dead? The last thought seems a bit far fetched, but it is possible, right?

Glancing up at the clock, I start to panic when I see that I should have left for school five minutes ago. I know deep in my heart that father didn't wake me up on purpose; he wants me to be late for school so he will have a reason to "punish" me more tonight. I refuse to let him win though so I force my body to rush up the stairs so I can grab my backpack. Once I have it I rush out of the house and begin running down the street. I keep telling myself that I can't be late; I refuse to let my father win. People watch me as I run by, but I ignore their watchful eyes. All I care about at this moment is getting to school on time, nothing else matters to me. My head is aching, my throat is sore, and my legs want to give out on me, yet I force myself to keep moving.

By the time I finally reach the school grounds my lungs feel as though they are going to explode any minute, but I still feel relieved because I made it just in time. The students are all heading into the building because the warning bell has rang so I make my way through them in search of one of my friends. The first one I see just so happens to be Jared, but thankfully he doesn't see me. I quickly rush to the side of someone and make it passed him unnoticed. Luckily I find Mike and he smiles when he sees me walking his way. I smile in return, forced as usual and hand him Jared's hoodie as soon as I reach him. He looks at me in question, but I just ask him to give the hoodie to Jared. He nods his head as an answer and then motions to my forehead. I, of course, just laugh nervously and come up with an explanation before changing the subject.

"Look, Mike, I couldn't help but notice the way you were looking at me last night... uh, can I ask why?" I ask cautiously.

He looks down at the floor with shame written all over his features. "It doesn't matter," he says in a quite voice.

"No, I'd really like to know."

"Well, it's just that... I've seen you wear that same outfit a dozen of times and, hell Jensen, you're wearing it right now. I just was thinking is all." He looks away and I can tell he feels uncomfortable. Hell, even I feel uncomfortable now, not to mention stupid. He wasn't checking me out and I should have already known that!

"If you need some clothes Jensen, I want you to know you can come to me. I know used clothes aren't the best, but if I can help you out I will in any way possible."

"I uh, really appreciate that Mike... I'll be alright though." I reply with a soft smile on my face.

When I see Jared and Chad headed our way I start to panic because I am not ready to talk to him... that is if he even wants to talk to me. I quickly tell Mike that I have to leave and make a fast get away before they can reach us. When I am sure they are a few good feet behind me I let out a sigh of relief and enter my homeroom. I can't sit where I usually would so I take a seat toward the front of the classroom. I make sure to sit next to someone so I am positive Jared won't try to sit next to me. The guy I am sitting next to I don't really know because I have never really spoken to him before and to be completely honest I don't want to know him. I am sure though that the feeling is probably mutual. When Jared walks in he gets a frown on his face when he sees where I am sitting, I turn my gaze away and refuse to look in his direction.

The teacher walks in moments later and orders everyone to sit down. I silently take out my notebook and begin doodling on the paper because I don't have much else to do. I can feel eyes on my back but not once do I look back to see who it is. Besides, I have a pretty strong idea that it is Jared and Mike. I am sure Mike is very confused, first I tell him to give Jared his hoodie back and now I am not sitting with them. I feel bad for the poor guy; I will have to explain everything to him later.

I look toward the loud speaker and let out a groan when someone tells me to go to the nurse’s office. Slowly, I gather all my things and then make my way out of the classroom. When I leave though, I can't help but steal a glance in Jared's direction and see him watching me with a morose expression on his face. As I walk to the nurse’s office, thoughts rush through my mind. Does Jared regret treating me like an inconvenience? He seems pretty sad today so it is a possibility. I wonder if he is going to ask me for my forgiveness. The thought makes me smile, but yet I wonder... can I find it in my heart to forgive him? If I do forgive him I am not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. Sure, I didn't trust him fully before, but I trusted him more than most people and now I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him at all. Even though he has hurt me unimaginably I still love him as much as I always have. I guess nothing will ever be able to break that. Jared isn't the only thing on my mind however; I am also wondering why the nurse wants to see me. What could this possibly be about? She most likely wants to talk about my bruises and that terrifies me. What will I say if she questions me? Will she believe my lies?

I reach the nurse's office moments later with a queasy stomach and knock lightly on the door before entering the small room. The nurse gives me a smile when she sees me and has me sit down on the examination table. I just remain silent and patiently wait for her to explain why she wanted to see me. On the outside I am calm and collected, but on the inside I am fidgety with nerves. She hasn't spoken as of yet and that bothers me, I would like to get this over and done with. She seems to be thinking, probably trying to figure out how to express her thoughts correctly into words. The fact that she isn't talking though unnerves me. I can already tell that I am not going to like this conversation. I can only hope that she isn't going to want to examine me. What would I do then? There is no way I could get out of it then, is there? Can she do that against my will? All I know is I wish she would speak, paranoia is eating me alive from the inside.

"Okay Jensen, I have had quite a few of your teachers come and speak with me recently. They are very worried about you, as am I now. It has been brought to my attention that you have quite a few bruises on your body, and the one on your forehead looks pretty bad." She states in a soft tone.

"So? Plenty of young people get bruises, especially guys." I say in my defense.

"That's true, but not as many as you seem to have. I have heard from many teachers Jensen, you _always_ seem to have them. Please, I need you to be honest with me here. How did you get that bruise on you forehead or any of your other bruises for that matter, past and present?"

"The one on my forehead I received while playing baseball with my brother, the ball hit me pretty hard." I repeat what I told Mike. "As for the others, well, what can I say...? I can be a pretty clumsy person."

She gives me a disapproving expression, at this moment I feel like digging myself a massive hole and dying. "I asked for no lies or excuses." She mutters with a sigh. "Jensen, how is your home life?"

"Fine," I respond; shifting nervously in my seat. "Like any normal family I guess."

"Why do I get the feeling you're not being honest with me?" She asks more to herself as she yet again releases a sigh. "There is nothing I can do since you won't open up to me, but there is the counselor if you ever need to talk. I am always here as well. Let me just remind you that if you don't speak up nothing will change, the pain will never go away or ease up if you don't confide in someone," she says pleadingly.

It feels as though a lump has formed in my throat and I can't utter a single word when she confronts me about the suspicious finger imprints on my neck. I feel numb and completely terrified. I slowly stand up feeling as if I am in a dream; the nurse takes the hint and says that I am free to leave. Once I hear those words I bolt out of the room and find myself in the nearest bathroom. I flinch when I look in the mirror, I finally see the horrendous bruise on my forehead and the bright red finger shaped marks on my thin neck.

All at once bile rises in my throat and I throw up what little I have in my stomach and soon all I am doing is dry heaving. When I finally control my trembling body I lean my back against the stall wall and pull my knees up against my chest. While in the nurse's office I felt like a scared child again... she pretty much knows what is going on, but, like she said, she can't go around making accusations when they could be false. Yet the fact that she is suspicious frightens me... will she ever leave me alone now and will she ask my teachers to keep a close eye on me just in case a new bruise forms? The thought isn't comforting in the slightest.

~*~

Walking outside with no food once again, I make my way over to a picnic bench that is shaded. With my feet on the bench, I sit myself down on the table and put my head in my hands. What a day this has turned out to be. First my father strangles me and then I have to deal with the suspicious school nurse. Not to mention that practically all day I have been avoiding Jared. I will be glad for this day to come to an end so I can start fresh tomorrow, hopefully it won't be as bad.

"Jensen, can I please talk to you?" Jared says shakily.

I snap my head up and glare at Jared. "Didn't you say enough last night?" I ask, even though my tone nowhere near matches the glare on my face.

"That's just it, I need to explain myself," he says coming to sit beside me.

"Can you honestly explain your words; you seemed to be pretty honest when you said that I was an inconvenience."

"Jensen please… hear me out!" From his tone I can tell that he is desperate for me to hear what he has to say.

"Alright fine... say what you need to say." I let out a sigh because I am not sure I want to hear what he is about to tell me.

"Well... last night started out good for me, I got to hang out with you and talk to Sandy. While I was talking to Sandy Tim approached us. I expected him to start saying the same shit he usually does. Instead of saying that I should be hanging out with the popular crowd he said you were bringing me down with you. He said I'm not worthy to hang out with him and that I was a loser. He just kept putting me down and I... I couldn't take it," he said hanging his head in shame. "I realize that taking my anger out on you was wrong and I'm sorry Jen...I'm so sorry about that."

I wait a few moments to see if he is going to continue talking and then I let out a sigh. "What you said to me was really harsh Jared; I don't think I can just forgive you so easily." I say as I stand up and begin walking away.

I nearly jump out of my skin when Jared grabs a hold of me and spins me around to face him. I shrug his hands off of me, my heart pounding in my chest and my body trembling uncontrollably, thoughts of Tim and last night flash before my eyes. Jared looks at me with wide eyes and I lower my head in shame. Not only does my father's "punishments" cause me to jump in alarm like an idiot, but now I have Tim to blame for it as well. I still can't believe he could have easily raped me.

"Listen Jensen... I know what I said was cruel, and I don't expect you to forgive me, but I don't want to lose you. You're my best friend and I love ya man. I am being honest when I say that, I didn't mean a word I said, I was just angry and taking it out on the wrong person. I promise you that nothing like that will ever happen again. If I ever hurt you again you can walk away from our friendship and never glance back, but I am _begging_ you... don't give up on me yet," Jared pleads.

I know I said I didn't know if I could forgive him, but damn his words have touched me! I had no idea that our friendship meant that much to him, I mean he is close to tears! I would have no heart if I didn't forgive him and I can't just give up on our friendship so easily, he means too much to me. Besides, everyone deserves a second chance, don't they?

"Alright Jared, you have my forgiveness this time, but there better not be a next time. You can't just hurt me and expect to always be forgiven." I say in a soft yet stern voice. "Besides, you mean a lot to me, I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I love you too man," I say to him timidly.

When I say I love you, I mean it from the bottom of my heart and soul. Silently I am hoping he catches on to the true meaning of my words; I want so badly to tell him my true feelings. Now that he has my forgiveness he looks so happy, and even gives me a hug. Of course, I gladly hug him back and cherish this moment; moments like this are few and far between. I would like to be able to do this more often, but I have to settle for rare occasions such as this one and hopefully not under these circumstances again.

My hopes of him finally realizing my true feelings for him on his own quickly vanish when he begins talking about none other than Sandy. He is saying how she is the sweetest person on earth and how he thinks she likes him but is too shy to say anything. He is going on about how much he loves her and how he thinks she is the greatest. I can't help but feel a little disappointed... when is he going to realize that I love him? How can he not see that my feelings run deeper than friendship? Is it better for the both of us if he doesn't know, though? Would that kind of information ruin the friendship we have built? I just wish I knew the answers because I am killing myself inside.

~*~

"Every time I told a joke, even if I knew it was idiotic, she would laugh anyway." He says with his eyes shining with joy. "That's got to be a sign, right? She has to like me if she laughs at my stupid jokes! Oh man she has the best laugh, I feel privileged just to hear it. Plus she has the nicest smile I have ever seen, but get this... she says _I_ have an adorable smile! Doesn't that kick ass?"

"Yeah... that's really... cool." I say with a sigh, which goes unnoticed by him.

"She is the most perfect woman on this planet, no one else comes close."

"Yeah she seems nice." I say, trying to sound interested, while inside I am hurting.

"She is nice, and beautiful... man she has God given beauty. I love her every feature! I am determined to get up the courage to ask her out, I'm sure she'd say yes." He says, sounding happier than ever before and I truly wish I could be happy for him. "I don't know man, but I think she's the one."

I just can't handle listening to this anymore and quickly stand up. Jared watches my fast movements and I tell him that I have something to do before class, which is supposed to start any minute. Not giving him a chance to speak or come with me, I quickly walk away and don't look back. I know I will officially have lost him soon. He is going to ask Sandy out and there is no way she isn't going to say yes. I just couldn't handle hearing him talking about her that way, not when I want to be the one he feels that way for. I know I have to get used to it but... why can't he love me the way I love him? What is wrong with me, why doesn't he like me? Why can't he see that the love he needs lies with me? Why can't he see that the person who loves him more than life is me? Why can't he love me in return?

  
_How many times have you told me you love her?_   
_As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth_   
_How long have I stood here beside you?_   
_I lived through you, you looked through me_   


  
_Ooh solitude_   
_Still with me is only you_   
_Ooh solitude_   
_I can't stay away from you_   


  
_How many times have I done this to myself?_   
_How long will it take before I see?_   
_When will this hole in my heart be mended_   
_Who now is left alone, but me?_   


  
_Ooh solitude_   
_Forever me and forever you_   
_Ooh solitude_   
_Only you, only true_   


  
_Everybody leaves me stranded_   
_Forgotten, abandoned, left behind_   
_I can't stay here another night_   


_Your secret admirer, who could it be?_

  
_Can't you see all along it was me?_   
_How can you be so blind as to see right through me?_   


  
_Ooh solitude_   
_I can't stay away from you_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Solitude - Evanescence


	11. Abandoned

Finally, the end of the day has arrived and I am allowed to go home. Not that I am especially happy about this, but I don't want to stay at school any longer, hearing about Sandy for the majority of the lunch hour was _almost_ as painful as my dad half strangling me. Of course, as my luck goes, I get cornered by the nurse and stuck talking to her once more before I can leave. She tells me that it is not healthy to be hiding things such as situations that are harmful to me both physically and mentally. I defend myself by saying that there is nothing wrong with me, except my own clumsiness, and that she seriously needs to stop with all these false accusations. I was awarded with a heavy sigh from her and I actually feel guilty for lying to her. She is only trying to help me, but my main concern is... Can she honestly promise to take me away from this torment if I tell her my darkest secret? Without knowing for sure that I will be safely taken care of, I am not opening my mouth, especially if it only lands me back into my father's hands. I know he would hurt me worse than this morning…he would actually kill me for speaking a word of this to anyone.

When she finally allows me to leave, I rush out of her office; eager to get as far away from school as possible. As soon as I step outside I breathe a sigh of relief, only to come face to face with Jared. I give him a confused expression; he usually doesn't wait for me once school is over. He says he is going to walk me home and I am quick to object; saying I will be fine on my own. He is persistent however, and says he needs to talk to me as well. It is clear to me that there is no getting out of this so I just surrender with a nod of my head. We begin walking in the direction of my house; silence claiming the both of us and I am left wondering how long it will be until he starts to talk about Sandy. The silence is deafening and I wonder if it may be something else he wants to talk about. He is looking down at the ground as he walks; clearly thinking about something.

"Just tell me what's on your mind." I urge him to speak.

He finally looks up at me with an uncertain expression on his face. "You see... well, promise not to get mad?"

"Jared, you know me, I won't get mad," I say, but am feeling a bit apprehensive of what he is going to say.

"Okay here goes..." He takes a deep breath and then lets it out. "Firstly, where did that bruise on your forehead come from?" He asks, coming to a stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

I let out a sigh and am quite surprised that the question was about me and not Sandy. I tell him the story I have been telling everyone else. He seems to believe me as well, so that is a good thing. Though, now I am worried about what else he wants to ask me. He won't mention anything about my neck, will he?

"Okay… well secondly, I wanted your opinion on something... do you think I should ask Sandy out tomorrow?" He says starting to walk again.

I let out another sigh and my stomach tightens at the mention of _that_ name, why did I even think that he would have a conversation with me without bringing her up. "Well, that is up to you. If you can build up the courage… why not? Better late than never, right?" I say to him in my ‘best friend’ voice.

"Yeah you're right, I should ask her out tomorrow and not back out of it like I usually do." He says with an adorable smile.

Silence falls between us once again and I am trying to think of a way to get him to not walk me the rest of the way to my house. I don't want him to come there again, he might actually want to stay for a while, that is something I _can't_ have. I have to do everything in my power to get Jared to go home so I stop walking and turn to him. He stops walking and turns to me with a questioning look on his face.

"You should go home now, don't need to go out of your way just for me,” I say looking into his eyes. “Besides, I think I can make it home on my own."

"I really don't mind." He protests.

"Seriously Jared, I can..." I start to say before being cut off.

"Jensen where did those finger shaped bruises on your neck come from?” He asks with a more determined expression on his face.

My blood runs cold and my body freezes when I hear this question. He was so blunt when he asked as well, very confident in a way… like he knew. I go through every lie and excuse in my head, but in the end come up with nothing. There is no way I can explain the reason for finger shaped bruises on my skin and saying I did it to myself is just stupid. Jared knows there is no way I can lie my way out of this. I would be surprised if just by looking at me he didn't figure out my secret all on his own! Fuck, I am really in a bind now and I feel trapped, not to mention I probably look like an idiot for just standing here staring at him. When he didn't ask this question before, and things fell silent between us, I thought he wouldn't ask the dreaded question. Stupid on my part, I know. I mean, how could I think for even a second that he wouldn't notice the bruises on my neck? God I feel so stupid and terrified beyond belief right now, my heart is pounding in my chest! All I can focus on is the fact that I can't lie about this and Jared probably knows my secret now for sure.

"Come on Jen, you know you can tell me anything, I'm your best friend." He pleads desperately and with a sad expression in his eyes. "Come on; just tell me the truth for once."

"Jared, there is nothing to tell, so just let it go. Stay out of things that don't concern you," I say trying to walk away from him.

"Why can't you just answer this one question?" he says and walks to catch up to me. I can tell by the tone in his voice that he is getting frustrated.

"How did you get those bruises Jen? You can't tell me it happened by accident because I _know_ that was no accident!" he shouts.

"Why can't you just leave me alone Jared? Why is it that you feel the need to know everything that is going on in everyone's lives? Just let it go and worry about your own damn life!" I yell more out of fear than anger, my face reddening, I run as fast as I can in the direction of my house.

I didn't mean to yell at Jared, and feel really guilty for doing so, but I felt trapped and when I feel that way I lash out. I was caught and I knew it, there was nowhere for me to turn and I panicked. Nothing could stop that conversation and I hated it, I hated not being able to come up with a lie to protect myself with. I am so close to tears right now, but am too stubborn to let even one fall. Crying is a sign of weakness, at least it is in my father's eyes, and I refuse to be weak! I feel so helpless and stupid right now though. How could I have allowed Jared to see the bruises? Granted there was, and is, no way for me to hide them, but I still feel as if I should have done something. How will I ever be able to face Jared after this, it is impossible now!

By the time I reach my house I am feeling really upset and down, so I silently enter my home and prepare to do my chores. Of course, I have to compose myself before my father sees me, don't want him calling me a wimp and bringing me down further than I already am. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I walk up to my room and drop my backpack onto my cot. Silently walking back downstairs, I head into the kitchen and get straight to work on the dishes. I know my father is in the living room because I can hear the sounds of the football game coming from the television. Blocking out the sound, I focus solely on the task at hand. There is the normal amount of dishes in the sink, which is something I am thankful for. After this I have to go to the garage to see if I have any laundry to do. I am sure there is though because I always have laundry duty. After that I have to clean the bathroom. It hasn't been cleaned in a couple of days and I am sure it is getting dirty.

Once I am done with the dishes I decide to take the trash out earlier than usual. I am right here so I might as well get it done while I am thinking about it.

As soon as that task is done I walk back into the house and head into the garage. As expected, there is a load of laundry that needs to be washed and this time it is sheets. I quickly put the sheets in the washer once I have the water running and then I add the laundry soap and fabric softener. I nearly jump out of my skin; however when I feel someone put their hand on my shoulder. I spin around only to come face to face with my mom. I let out a sigh of relief and look at her with crimson adorning my cheeks.

She lets out a laugh and smirks at me. "Someone's jumpy today."

"I'm always jumpy mom." I say with a sigh.

All of a sudden she gets a frown on her face as she inspects my neck and then a look of rage takes over her features. "That is it, I have had enough! Your father has gone too far this time!" she says anger laced in her voice.

I cringe when I hear her yell and watch silently as she storms away from me; flinching when the garage door slams behind her. I rush over to it and try to listen to the argument that is about to ensue. My mother is screaming and father can't get a word in, I have never heard her so angry before. I can't help but allow myself to hope that she stops father's abuse. By the way she is carrying on; I think it is safe to have a little hope. He is now yelling as well, but this just seems to make her angrier. My eyes widen in shock when I hear her say that she can't deal with this anymore, that she is leaving and taking me and Jason with her. I nearly jump up and down in excitement, but manage to stay calm and collected on the outside.

He is now talking in a low, firm voice and I can't make out a word he is saying. I strain my ears to catch even a few of his words to try to understand what is being said, but it is impossible. He is talking too low and from what I can tell his tone sounds menacing. My mother is crying now and I hear her sob out, "You can't do that!"

Not able to listen any longer, I turn away from the door and sit down on the floor, not caring that it is dirty. I am feeling worried and anxiety has kicked in. I want to know what they are saying, but deep down I know it can't be anything good.

Everything is quiet now and that only manages to make me even more nervous. What could possibly be going on in there? Are they still arguing, are we leaving, or did they make up? Silently, I pray that my mom will walk in here and tell me to pack my things because we are moving. Yet, somehow, that seems too good to be true...

~*~

I jump in alarm when the garage door suddenly opens, but relax once I see it is only my mom. I quickly take notice to the suitcase in her hand and the tears on her face. Instantly, I stand up and embrace her, trying to comfort her in the only way I know how. She cries onto my shirt and I keep asking her to explain what happened but she can't seem to speak because she is choking on her words.

I quickly calm her down and tell her to explain everything once she isn't crying so badly. She nods her head and keeps her face pressed against my shoulder; not wanting to let go as of yet. My shirt is getting soaked, but right now that is the least of my worries. I hate seeing my mom cry but I know that she needs me right now. Whatever father said to her must have really hurt and she is probably having a hard time leaving him because she still loves him. She has my deepest sympathies, I know it isn't easy for her to just up and leave like this. Yet, I am also grateful to her for doing this for me.

"I just... I can't take it anymore, I... I can't live with that man a second longer." She chokes out when she pulls away and wipes her eyes. "He is terrible and I'll lose my mind if I stay here. He is a difficult man to deal with day in and day out; I can't handle his drinking anymore... I have to leave!" She says finally.

"Calm down mom, everything will be okay, I promise." I say soothingly as I rub her back. "Do you want me to pack up my things? I can even pack Jason's stuff if you need me to."

"Jensen, you don't understand." She says sadly and I look at her in confusion.

"What don't I understand?"

"You remember a few years ago when I had that nervous breakdown?"

"How could I not? That was terrible; I thought we had lost you." I shiver as I recall the dreadful memory, it seemed more like a mental breakdown to me.

"Well, if I try to take you boys with me your father will take me to court and use that against me. Your father said he will claim that I am unstable and am incapable of taking care of you. He will tell the judge I am mentally unstable, and he has proof." She says sadly as she begins to cry once again.

I stare at her as a numb feeling takes over my body, the reality of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks; she is leaving without me. I feel like crying, but I don't even have to hold the tears back because none fill my eyes. I feel so let down that my heart actually aches. How could she leave me here with him? What kind of mother does that to her own son?

"I'm so sorry Jensen." She says with a look of shame on her features. "Please don't hate me forever."

When I don't utter a single word, she lets out a sigh and kisses me on the forehead before walking away. She opens the garage door and stands in the doorway for a second. She smiles sadly at me, says she loves me and then I watch as she walks back into the house. Deep down inside I know that this is the last time I will see my mom again and a deep depression falls upon me.

~*~

Building up enough courage, I walk back into the house and am overcome with a sense of emptiness. My mom is no longer here, but she left most of her possessions behind. She only took the necessities; obviously eager to leave us behind. I look at her picture that is hanging on the wall and I am overwhelmed with anger and hate. How could she leave me here to face hell alone? She knows what father puts me through and yet she left anyway. She was only thinking about herself and her own pain, which doesn't even come close to mine. She was being selfish.

At this point I could care less if I ever see her again, yet at the same time I am going to miss her. I just feel so miserable and unloved. How could she leave me behind? Aren't mother's supposed to protect their children at any cost? Was I not worth a little extra effort? I know it wasn't easy for her to leave, but did she have to leave at all if I wasn't able to go as well? I just wish she would walk back through that front door and tell me to gather my things, but I know that is never going to happen. My mom is gone for good, she escaped and I am forced to stay. Basically, there is no hope for me and I have to learn to accept this.

My breath catches in my throat when my father enters the kitchen with a scowl on his face. I know he is angrier than usual and I fear the consequences. I watch intently as he grabs a beer from the fridge and slams the door shut. He swallows down all of the bitter liquid before slamming the empty bottle down onto the table. He sets his angry glare on me and I find it hard to swallow, my mouth has suddenly become dry. He can't seem to walk straight as he makes his way toward me and I can't help but wonder how many beers he has had because he seems very intoxicated.

"You were late for school you little shit." He slurs as he backhands me.

My eyes widen when I hear this and I stare at him in disbelief. "No I wasn't," I say grabbing my cheek.

"Don't you dare lie to me boy, you were passed out on the floor, and there is no way you woke up in time." This time he punches my shoulder and I have to ignore the throbbing pain.

"I woke up five minutes later, but ran to school and made it just in time." I explain in a tight voice; getting frustrated with this conversation already.

" _Bullshit!_ " He yells as he pushes me into the nearby wall and I grunt in pain. "There's no way you made it on time, you're a liar! Not to mention your mother left because of you; couldn’t stand having such a worthless son! Do you feel proud of yourself? Even your mother got sick of you; the only one who defended you can't even stand you now," he spits out.

Every word cuts into me deeply, but not once do I let it show. Somehow, I get the feeling that he knows just how much he is hurting me though. I know my mother didn't leave because of me, but what is hurtful is how cruel my father can be. How he can treat his own son in such a way is beyond me.

I am startled when he suddenly grabs my upper arms and pulls me toward him. His grip is very painful and I am sure I will have more bruises later. My eyes widen when he grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls it over my head; leaving my torso bare. He throws my shirt somewhere behind him and proceeds to hit my upper body before throwing my frail form to the floor. He keeps saying how he is going to teach me a lesson for being late to school and for making my mother leave. I am being punished for things I didn't do. I guess rushing to school this morning was all for nothing, but really I shouldn’t be surprised. My father believes only what he wants to believe and I will never be able to change that.

I watch with frightened eyes as he takes off his belt and gives me a sinister smile; placing his foot on my back so I can't move. I know what is going to happen next will be very painful so I grit my teeth and close my eyes tightly; awaiting agony. The first hit my back takes hurts like hell, but I just grit my teeth and bear it. By the fifth hit, however, there are tears streaming down my face and my back is stinging painfully. Father seems to be nowhere near finished; he just repeatedly slams his belt down upon my sensitive skin. The pain is excruciating and I find myself not able to hold in my cries of pain. I am almost screaming because of the agony my father is putting me through.

The cracking sound the belt makes once it comes in contact with my skin is enough on it's own to cause me to flinch. It is a sound I know I won't be forgetting anytime soon. He hits me one last time with all his strength and stares down at my broken trembling form. He calls me a few discouraging words before grabbing another beer from the fridge and then walks out of the room.

After he leaves I just remain lying on the floor, I can't seem to move anyway; in too much pain. I know that I have to get up to the bathroom though, so I push myself to my feet no matter how painful it is. I am unsteady and feel sick to my stomach, but I somehow force my weak and beaten body up the stairs. Walking into the bathroom, I shut the door behind me and look at my back in the mirror. I visibly cringe at the sight. My back is covered in oozing bloody sores and I am sure I will be in pain for days; if not weeks.

Ignoring the pain as best as I can, I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower. Once the water hits my back I nearly scream out in pain and I bite down on my lip to keep from doing just that. I know I need to wash myself though, so I do my best to deal with the excruciating pain. I can't reach my back though so I stay under the spray long enough for it to wash away the blood. I watch as the crimson water runs down the drain around my feet until the water becomes clear once again. After that, I wash my body the best I can before turning off the water and stepping out of the shower.

Taking a look in the mirror once again, I whimper at the sight but don't look away. Covering my back are angry red welts, it looks as though I was whipped. But that is what happened to me, right?

For the first time in a while, I allow myself to look over my entire body. There are bruises covering my legs and torso, my back is now adorned with red welts along with bruises, my neck has finger shaped bruises and I have a cut on my head. In all; my body is in horrendous shape and looking at myself right now... I hate myself.

Sitting down on the bathroom floor, I pull my knees against my chest and take in a deep breath to keep my tears at bay. I am in dire need of someone's help, but have no one to turn to. Usually I would go to my mom if I needed someone to talk to but I can no longer do that. I have only myself to rely on now and maybe that is for the best. I don't need anyone when I can handle my life on my own.

Standing up, I slowly put my clothes back on and exit the bathroom. I walk back down to the kitchen and put on my shirt, father would be pissed if I allowed Jason to see my back. He turns around from the stove and places a plate down on the table. He motions for me to come closer, so I do what he tells me. On the plate I see a piece of hamburger and a very small portion of macaroni and cheese. He tells me that the food is for me and I gladly start eating it, I can't remember when I ate last.

"Don't get too used to this because I am certainly not going to be cooking all of the time!" He says as he sits down across from me. "Since your mother is no longer here you will be cooking from now on."

I drop my fork and stare at him in shock. "But father, I don't know how to cook!"

"Then you better learn quickly!" He yells, glaring intensely at me before standing up and walking away.

I quickly finish my food and then run up to my room. I shut my door behind me and then take out my notebook from the hole in the wall. Sitting down on my window sill, I open my notebook and begin to write; needing this release. Everything is just terrible right now, to think I didn't believe my life could get any worse before... I feel damn stupid now. Life just keeps finding ways to make it harder on me.

  
_Going day to day_   
_Carrying all this pain_   
_Willing it to go away_   
_Only my attempts are in vain_   
_Breaking down a little more_   
_I feel like giving in_   
_The crimson rain starts to pour_   
_As I cry out from within_   
_Can no one hear my pleas?_   
_Do they even care?_   
_I beg for release_   
_The pain I cannot bear_   
_Tormented in this hell_   
_Trapped inside a hole_   
_Darkness comes to where I fell_   
_And once again takes my soul_   



	12. A Day Away

I awake to the sound of my annoying alarm clock and slam my fist down on it to get it to shut up. I had to sleep lying on my stomach because my back was in too much pain. I can't even bear to have anything touch it without causing myself agony. I am sure I will have horrendous scars on my back once my wounds have healed; these scars will be with me the rest of my life as a constant reminder of last night and my father’s wrath. The mere thought of this is enough to put me in a depressed mood first thing in the morning.

Pushing myself to my feet is quite difficult, every move I make seems to cause my back pain, but I somehow manage. After fighting with my dresser drawers, I pull out my last outfit; knowing I have to wash my clothes once I get home from school.

Once I am dressed, I exit my room and walk into the bathroom to do my morning duties. Once that task is done, I leave the bathroom and slowly make my way downstairs, almost afraid to face my father. I am surprised however, when I see Jason sitting at the kitchen table with father eating breakfast. He catches my confused expression and tells me about how he woke up early this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I merely nod my head in understanding and move to get the dessert dishes ready to be washed. Father stops me with his voice, telling me that I don't have to do the dishes until I get home from school. I know he is only being civilized because Jason is here. I gladly listen to him though and sit down at the kitchen table; making sure my back doesn't touch the back of the chair.

Father mumbles something under his breath and lucky for me I heard what he said. He told me I could get myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast if I wanted to. I know I am taking advantage of the situation, him being civil because Jason is at the table, and I will probably pay for it later, but I am hungry so I quickly pour myself a bowl of captain crunch. Once I have added the milk, I sit back down at the table and quietly eat my breakfast. It feels good to be eating at the table with them. I know it won't be for very long, but I am definitely going to enjoy it while it lasts.

I find myself looking to the spot where mom usually sits at the table and I find myself getting more depressed. I wish so badly that she was here eating with us, that she never left me… abandoned me. I have mixed emotions when I think of her. On the one hand I am sad and miss her so much, but on the other, I am extremely angry at her for walking out on me when I need her so badly.

Once I am done eating I place my bowl in the sink and announce that I am heading off to school. Grabbing my backpack from my room, I head to the front door but father stops me.

“Listen you little shit, don’t go getting used to my generosity,” he says jabbing a finger into my chest with every heated word.

“Yes sir,” is all I can say.

When he seems satisfied with my answer he allows me to leave for school. I was half expecting him to hit me, or something equally as bad, but thankfully he decided to take it easy on me this morning. I am glad about that, this way I know I won't have to deal with the school nurse; she won't bother me if there are no new visible bruises. As I glance up into my father’s eyes, I briefly wonder if he ever feels badly about the torture he puts me through.

Before I leave the house to go to school, I tell Jason I will see him later, I can see him from the living room and he looks sad. I wonder if he knows mom is gone, that she is not coming back.

One thing I have always hated about walking to school is when I walk past the homes in the neighborhood I see so many parents telling their kids to have a good day. I see how a family _should_ be and those are the times when I realize just how badly I want to be a part of a _normal_ family. A family that has a mother and a father that loves their kids, not one where the father is abusive and the mother walks out on her kids when they need her. I scold myself for thinking my life could be ever be normal.

The closer I get to school I start to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and anxiety kicks in. The argument with Jared yesterday is so fresh in my mind and I am wondering what is going to happen now. He will surely have something to say about me running away and I really don't want to deal with that... ever. I know I can't avoid him forever, I don't even want to, but at the same time I am scared to talk to him because he is too close to uncovering the truth. How did I ever allow it to come to this? How could I have been so stupid?

Knowing Jared, he won't give up until I tell him everything. I don't think I can handle that, him looking at me with those eyes, knowing what I have been through, but I don't want to lose him either. I have never voiced my secret to anyone and I don't plan on starting, if I can help it. If Jared is persistent and keeps pushing me to tell him what is going on, I will be forced to avoid him. That is something I don’t want to have to do and I am afraid I will lose him because of this secret and that thought alone kills me. I am only keeping this secret to protect myself; there is nothing wrong in that. This is about survival, keeping myself safe. I have no one I can count on to protect me against my father; even my own mother couldn’t do that for me. All these thoughts running through my head are starting to give me a headache.

Upon reaching the school I see all my friends standing by the entrance and I let out a groan. Slowly I make my way toward them; undecided on whether I should hang out with them or not. Jared wouldn't say anything with all the guys there… would he? He wouldn't do something cruel like that, right?

"Hey, Jen!" Jared greets me happily once I finally reach them.

"Hey," I say and look at him in confusion, wondering why he is so happy.

"So, Jensen,” Chad starts. “I never got to ask before, but why did you leave my party so quickly the other night?" he asks. Once again I am reminded of _that_ night and can’t help the onslaught of memories.

_"I have dreamt of this day forever Jensen... you have no idea," Tim slurs drunkenly._   
_“I have wanted to know so badly how’ big’ you are, how you will feel underneath my hands. How my cock will feel filling you up, fucking you hard,” he leaned in and whispered. Smell of beer thick on his breath._

“Jen…,” Chad says waving a hand in front of my face.

"Oh I… I wasn't feeling too good," I reply to him as I visibly shake off the memory, not able to bring myself to tell them the truth.

Jared looks at me intently and I have to look away; he can tell I am lying. There is no way I can tell them that I was almost raped by Tim, all I want to do is forget that night ever happened. That night's events are permanently in my memory though, no matter how much I would like to pretend it didn't happen. But I don't want anyone to know about it either.

"I should get to class." I say quietly and begin walking into the building.

"Hold up there, Jen." Mike says as he grabs my arm, making me turn around.

With a sigh I hesitantly turn around, sure that they want to ask me more about that night. I don’t want to appear mean, but I don't exactly want to talk about this subject any longer. Not only that, I am just feeling shitty this morning; too much drama happening all at once. Having to deal with my mother abandoning me in the middle of the night seems to be getting harder and it is just the first day! Maybe I should talk to one of my friends about this; perhaps they can give me some advice. If nothing else, they could listen and possibly make me feel a little better; comfort is something I could really use right about now.

"We were thinking...,” Mike starts to say, looking back towards the group. “Why don't we just ditch school today?” He says, looking to Tom for support.

“Yeah we never get to hang out, let’s take today off to have a little fun. I think we deserve it." Tom says, obviously doing everything he can to convince me.

"I don't know… doesn't sound like such a good idea," I reply softly. Thinking immediately of my father and the beating I would get if he ever found out I had skipped school. I felt so uneasy about the whole idea; so many things could go wrong.

"For once, don't worry so much, Jensen. Just go with the flow," Jared said. Giving me the ‘puppy dog’ look with his eyes and making a pouty face. "Please... for me?" he begged.

With a groan I give in and everyone smiles in victory. Instantly they begin walking off school grounds, I glance back at the front doors, wondering if this is a good idea, but then Milo grabs my wrist to get me to start moving. I am still unsure with every step I take and the worry creeps up inside me, I think I am making a huge mistake, but who knows, I might end up having fun. That would be nice for a change. I should stop being so paranoid anyway and just let myself have fun for once.

They decide the mall is our lucky destination and thankfully it isn't that far away from the school. It only takes about twenty minutes to get there on foot. Since it is first thing in the morning, and the middle of the week, there are mainly older people and younger couples who I am sure don't go to school anymore. That is a good thing though; at least we won't have to fight our way through a crowd of people.

I walk along beside Tom as we make our way around the mall; trying to decide on what store to enter first. Chad and Jared want to look at clothes, which is no big surprise to anyone. Mike wants to go to the movie store, while Tom wants to check out the music and Milo wants to go to the toy store. Milo is a little weird that way, but that is why we love him, he is a big kid at heart. Myself, I don't really care what we do, I am just glad to be at the mall.

When we finally decide on where we are going first, I silently follow them to Hot Topic; obviously Jared and Chad got their way. I have heard that the store is pretty cool, a lot of nice fashionable clothes. Knowing that Chad is a total shop-a-holic, I decide to go sit on the bench outside the store and wait for them, God knows how long they’ll be in there for. As I sit down on the bench I think that it’s pretty sad I have never been to the mall. Father has never let me go with them whenever the family would go. I just like the fact that I am in a new setting though; I can actually be a normal teenager for once. I know I shouldn't be here, but that kind of makes it exciting. For once in my life I am doing something I shouldn't and it feels good. In a way, I am slowly warming up to the idea and letting go of my paranoia.

I am startled when Tom suddenly sits down beside me and I give him a smile, for once it is genuine and not forced. This seemingly doesn't go unnoticed by him.

“You look happy today, Jensen,” he says and smiles back at me.

“I’m… great actually,” I say. I am surprised that for once… it’s the truth.

“Let’s let these fashion dorks do their shopping while we go check out some music,” he says standing and waiting for me. I gladly accept his offer by standing up and following along beside him.

Once we reach the store, Tom leads me over to the rock section and he begins to look at many different bands. As I expected, I don't know who half of the bands are, well more than half actually. I feel like such an idiot for not knowing today's cool bands. However, when he picks up a Metallica CD a big smile forms on my face and I can't help but tell him that I love that band. He seems surprised by my outburst because I have never told him what bands I like before, but he smiles nonetheless and tells me that I would most likely be into Alice in Chains as well. I have no idea what band he is talking about, but I just nod my head and take his word for it.

Before we leave, Tom turns to me and asks me if I want a Metallica CD. I am shocked by this and feel really special because I never expected him to offer to buy me a CD, but I quickly decline. I would feel as though I was taking advantage of him and I refuse to be that type of friend. He simply rolls his eyes as he picks up a CD and asks if I have it. I don't have any CDs, so I simply shake my head. He seems happy with my answer because he takes the two CDs in his hands to the cashier and proceeds to buy them. I keep asking him what he thinks he is doing, but he refuses to answer me.

He grabs me by the arm after he pays for the CDs and drags me out of the store. With a big smile on his face, he reaches into the bag and hands me the Metallica CD. I give him a disapproving look, but can't keep it on my face for very long because of the smile that spreads across my face. I thank him endlessly, of course, and take a look at my CD. It is the one with "Sad, But True" on it, I absolutely love this song! Putting my CD in my backpack, we walk to the movie store; guessing that is where the guys can probably be found. I have nothing to play my CD on, but it’s the thought that counts and I am just glad to have it.

Upon reaching the movie store, we see the guys in the horror section. Silently we walk over to them and just stand behind them; waiting for the opportunity to scare the crap out of them. Mike is talking about the movie he is holding in his hands, from where I stand I can’t see the title of the movie, but he is really getting into it. He starts to turn around to place the movie back onto the shelf and as soon as he sees us standing right behind him, he lets out an undignified, high pitched, scream of surprise. Of course this makes Tom and I laugh hysterically; the look on his face was priceless. His eyes were wide with shock and he practically jumped a foot in the air. He stands glaring at us, eyes narrowed to slits and he is breathing heavy; one hand clutching his heart trying to calm his nerves. The other guys are trying hard not to laugh, but I can tell from their amused expressions they thought it was as funny as Tom and I.

"So where did you guys go?" Chad asks after stifling his laugh.

"The music store," Tom replies, his face red from laughing so hard.

"You guys ditched us to go to the music store," Chad says in surprise.

"Well, duh... with the way you shop, I couldn't handle listening to you talk about the importance of fashion a second longer," Tom says and rolls his eyes.

"Hey! There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good." Chad says in his own defense. "I happen to care about how I look, unlike someone I know."

"Sorry for not being obsessed like you are, but I don't care how I look. I don't know how Sophia can deal; I swear you're worse than a woman!" Tom says a bit more heated than he meant to.

Before Chad has time to retaliate, Jared suggests we go get something to eat. This, thankfully, stops their argument and we all head toward the food court. Milo quickly runs off to the toy store though; saying he will meet us at the food court. None of us really wanted to go to the toy store anyway, so this works out just fine.

Once there, the guys decide to get a pizza for all of us to share, my stomach rumbles at the mention of food and I am surprised that I am so hungry. It doesn't take long before we have our pizza and sit down; me in between Jared and Chad. Everyone quickly grabs a slice of pizza and I grab one of the smaller slices for myself. I can't help but smile when I take the first mouth watering bite. I am enjoying the fact that I get to have a whole slice of warm pizza, it tastes delicious. Usually whenever father orders pizza I don't get a whole slice, he will eat half and give me the rest. Sometimes he will give me Jason's crust; that kid hates crust and just wastes it.

Milo suddenly sits down beside Tom with a wide smile on his face and a bag in his hand. Whatever he has in that bag he seems to be very proud of, we’re all a little curious as to what it is. We watch as he puts his hand in the bag and lifts out a stuffed frog. Immediately I let out a short laugh, not being able to help myself, while Jared just rolls his eyes... we should have known.

"I named him froggie." Milo says proudly.

"How original," Chad mumbles under his breath.

"What was that Murray?" Milo asks; looking at Chad with a challenging expression on his face. "Were you mocking me?" He says defensively.

"Just hand that frog over here and see if it still has a head," Chad snarls.

Milo's eyes go wide and he quickly clutches the frog to his chest. "You wouldn't dare!"

We all chuckle and steer the conversation in a different direction.

We are all so caught up in talking that we fail to notice how much time has gone by. When I look at Jared's watch I realize that it is three o'clock and I am very late. Of course I start to panic and quickly stand up; drawing everyone's attention to me. I tell the guys I have to leave and quickly start walking away before they have a chance to question me. All I can think about is how dead I am as soon as I get home.

~*~

When I finally reach my house, I have to take a deep breath to calm my nerves, but to be honest, it does nothing for me. I know my father is probably furious and that thought frightens me. I wonder what I am about to walk into? I can count on it being worse than the normal beating that is for sure. This is the first time I have come home late and I know I am not going to get away with it. I should just be thankful for the fact that he doesn't know I ditched school. If he knew that detail, the price I would have to pay would be severe, probably worse than what I am about to go through. Knowing whatever is going to happen is inevitable I take a deep breath and enter the house. _It is very quiet for some reason, maybe father isn't here at the moment_ , I think wishfully.

I look into the kitchen and frown when I spot Jason sitting at the kitchen table doing his homework. I know my father is here, he would never leave Jason alone in the house like he has done to me many times before I was Jason’s age, but I would like to know exactly where he is.

“Hey,” Jason says, as soon as he notices me.

I look around nervously before nodding my head in acknowledgement.

“Where have you been?” He asks me.

“Just out,” I say, half expecting my father to appear any second.

He just shrugs his shoulders and returns to his homework. I decide to drop my backpack off in my room, so I exit the entryway of the kitchen and cautiously make my way up the stairs. I look into my room before entering completely; wanting to make sure my father is nowhere insight.

Dropping my backpack onto my cot, I let out a shaky breath and try to calm my nerves a bit; maybe I will get off easy tonight. Before that thought is even finished I notice my father’s looming presence standing in the doorway; I begin to panic. Just by looking at him I can tell he is furious, ditching school wasn't such a good idea. Slowly he stalks toward me with an evil glint in his eyes and I find it difficult to swallow.

"Where the hell were you?" He asks in a menacing tone of voice. I can’t help but flinch at the sound of it.

"I… I had to stay longer at school; had some things to finish," I say meekly.

"Don't lie to me you little shit! You went somewhere after school, didn't you?" He practically screams.

"No, of course not." I lie; fear flooding my entire body.

“Lie to me will you,” he growls, as he pushes me to the floor and straddles my thighs.

The hard push to the floor becoming too much for my tormented back, I can’t help but wince in pain. He smiles in satisfaction and before I know it he is sending blows to my upper body. It is excruciatingly painful, but not once do I let even a whimper escape my lips. I won’t give him the pleasure of hearing me cry out once again. This however, seems to piss him off more and he stands up and pulls me with him. Slamming me into the wall with all his force, my head bounces off it before resting against it. He enjoys throwing me around like a rag doll, feeling superior and dominant, and I soon find myself crashing against my dresser; causing my back even more pain.

“Dad… please,” I beg. My words have no meaning to him; he just ignores me as he grabs my wrist and pulls me to my feet.

Before I know it, he has my left wrist in a tight grip and is holding it against my back. He kicks me behind my knees, causing me to fall and that is when I hear a snap and pain floods throughout my arm. I scream in agony, harder and louder than I have ever done before, and father actually releases me. I slump to the ground clutching my lifeless wrist. He appears to be just as shocked as I am; knowing he went too far. I can’t move the pain in my wrist so severe I feel that I might pass out. Father begins to pace the room as Jason rushes in. As soon as he sees me, he rushes to my side; asking me if I am okay.

“I’m fine,” I manage to say between clenched teeth and unshed tears in my eyes. Although I feel like I am going to die. I think this time father broke my wrist.

Father crouches down next to me and pulls my hand away from my injured wrist. It has started to swell severely.

“Alright, we have to go to the hospital. Jason, go get your coat." Father commands sternly. Jason quickly does what he is told.

"If they ask, tell them you fell off your bed and landed on your wrist," he says sternly.

By now I know the routine and simply nod my head. I try and stand up, with much difficulty I might add, as Jason walks back into the room with his jacket on. He sees me struggle and rushes to my side, placing an arm around my waist to steady me. I accept his help, leaning on him as he holds me tight, making our way out to the car. As we drive down the street, I stare dazedly out the window, pretty close to passing out in the back seat, and wince in pain whenever father hits a bump in the road.

~*~

It took five hours of sitting in emergency before I got my wrist set in a small cast, father did indeed break it.

Now I find myself sitting alone at my window and staring out at the silent neighborhood. A terrible sense of loneliness and sadness overwhelms me. I wish so badly that my mom was here with me, offering me encouraging words and a comforting hug. I wonder where she is, if she found some place nice to live. Does she is even think about me or Jason, are we in her thoughts at all, or is she too busy living her ‘new’ life now?  
  
I quickly look toward the door to my room when I hear it creak open. I am relieved to see that it is only Jason.

“How are you feeling?” He asks, coming to sit down on my cot.

I simply shrug my shoulders and look away, a tiny tear rolling down my cheek.

I hear him let out a sigh and I close my eyes at the sound, knowing that he is going to want to talk about what happened tonight.

"I know you didn't fall Jensen," he says, eyes downcast.

I quickly snap my attention to him.

"I heard what was happening up here, I know dad broke your wrist," he says bluntly.

"Jay, you don't know what you're talking about." I say softly, not knowing why I am trying to protect my father.

"I'm not an idiot, Jen. I know this isn't the first time he's beaten you," he says rather angrily.

Hearing those words cause me to cringe and I tightly close my eyes. It’s silly of me to think that Jason doesn’t know what is happening to me, but for some reason I hoped that he didn’t.

"We’re brothers, Jen. All I’m saying is that I’m here for you if you ever need to talk," he whispers.

With that said he puts his hand on my knee and gives a gentle squeeze before he leaves my room. I am left to think over our brief conversation and the fact that Jason has known all along that our father has beaten me. I never really knew he paid any attention to what happened to me. I guess I never gave him enough credit, I just assumed that he didn’t really care. Somehow this knowledge, the knowledge that someone knows what is happening to me, brings a smile to my face. I realize now that he is there for me if I ever need him... I'm not completely alone after all.


	13. Confusion

~* Jared's POV *~

After finishing breakfast, I run upstairs to get ready for school. Of course, my mom yells at me for running in the house, but old habits die hard. Walking into my room, I open my closet and search for something to wear. I want to look extra cool today because I plan on asking Sandy out. I was going to ask her out yesterday but the guys and I decided to take Jensen out instead. I was worried about him when he ran off on me the other day and I was happy to spend time with him and the gang. Today I plan on taking that nerve wracking first step though and asking her out, let’s hope the outcome ends up in my favor.

After much searching and deliberating I finally settle on something to wear. A pair of black tight jeans that hug me in all the right places and a white wife beater with a black button up shirt over it. Of course, I leave the first few buttons left undone for that trendy look. I have also decided to wear a pair of black combat boots. I put my wallet in my back pocket and hook the chain onto my pants. Lastly, I spray on some cologne, grabbing the one that Jensen has said smells good on me and take a last glance in the mirror. All in all I think I look pretty hot, but it is Sandy's opinion that counts the most.

Grabbing my hoodie and backpack, I head out of my room and walk downstairs. My mom is still in the kitchen eating her breakfast. It’s like this unwritten rule that before I leave for school I have to give her a hug and kiss goodbye. I would never admit this to the guys… but it’s something I don’t mind doing at all.

“Have a great day at school, J.T,” she says kissing me on the cheek.

“You look handsome today… smell really pretty too,” she says over her shoulder.

“Mooooooom…,” I whine as I quickly head out the back door before she has a chance to see my face redden from embarrassment.

As I make my way to the bus stop my mind gets overwhelmed with thoughts. There are so many changes my life seems to be going through right now that it’s stressing me out more than normal. The first person I would usually turn to would be Jensen, but he seems to be going through his own troubles right now. I couldn’t really talk to him anyways because some of my problems are to do with him. I am sure Chad would be there for me, but I don't usually go to him with my problems. He is more of the ‘clown’ of the group anyway; I can’t talk to him about anything serious. Simply I feel like I have no where to turn.

Once I round the corner to the bus stop, I see that the bus has already arrived. I break out into a run the rest of the way to make sure I don't miss it. As soon as I climb on, I take a seat in the back where I usually sit. I stare out the window and my mind begins to work overtime once again.

One of the main things consuming my thoughts these days is that my parents are getting a divorce. They keep saying that it won't affect me in any way, but how can it not? My family is being split apart, how can that not affect me? They have always fought a lot, but never did I think it would come to this. I guess in my mind I always thought they would work things out and everything would go back to normal. That is what I was hoping for anyway. My dad says that once the divorce is final, he is going to move to New York where he was offered a job at some company. I will only see him on summer and Christmas vacations. Even then I will have to fly out to New York if I want to see him. My family is falling apart and I am powerless to stop it. I guess I’m naïve, but I didn’t see this coming. I am totally shocked and terrified of how we will make it without my dad.

Another thing plaguing my mind is the fact that my dad has such high expectations of me. He expects me to graduate, go to University and become a lawyer. He is trying to live out his dreams through me and I don't have the heart or courage to tell him what I really want in life. In a way, I crave his acceptance and want him to be proud of me. He is a very stubborn man and has no problems voicing or showing just how disappointed he would be in me if I chose not to be a lawyer.

I don’t think I am cut out to be a lawyer; I don’t have the ruthlessness and the drive. In all honesty, my dream is to become a fire fighter. I think it’s the coolest job, and it is honorable and noble. My dad will never accept this though. He has his heart set on me becoming a lawyer and won't accept anything different. I also think being a cop would kick ass, but there is no way in hell he would allow me to do that either. Why can't he see that I need to make my own choices in life? He can't turn me into him, I have my own set of dreams that I would like to make a reality. The only thing holding me back is knowing that he won't approve, that he would be extremely disappointed in me. I feel like I am trapped between a rock and a hard place. I need someone to talk to.

Another problem that has been troubling me lately is this infatuation I have with Sandy. I have liked her for so long now that I don’t know if I actually love her… or is it just this pursuit that I have been on for over the past year has led me to asking her out. Lately though my feelings towards a certain ‘friend’ has been changing. It’s leaving me confused and a bit afraid to be honest, cause I want so badly to go out with Sandy… yet my feelings for Jensen are becoming overwhelming as well.

At first I thought these feelings were becoming more like brotherly love, but then I started having different thoughts… and sometimes dreams, that were _way_ more than brotherly. I am trying to do a good job at hiding it, but I am constantly worried and afraid that everyone can see right through me. All these paranoid thoughts are eating me alive.

Everything started back around the time of Chad’s party. I was so excited that Jensen actually came out with me; he usually just blows me off, so when his mom said he could go and he stepped out of his house, I just felt… happy. When we walked to Chad’s and I leant him my hoodie and we were talking and goofing around… it was just so ‘natural’. We have always gotten along, Jensen and I, but he is the one person I can totally be myself with. Even around Sandy I feel like I have to pretend to be something that I’m not.

I feel so guilty for the way I treated Jensen at Chad’s when he asked me to walk him home. At the time I was being a conceited jerk and didn’t pay any attention to him, although I knew he was very upset about something. He needed me and I blew up at him; shows what a good friend I am. I know that Jensen isn't the type of person to open up to a lot of people and by being such an ass that night, I probably blew the only chance I had for him to let me in.

Knowing Jen like I do, if I were to ask him now about what had him so upset that night I know he wouldn’t tell me. I just hope that it was nothing too serious. How could it not have been… he was so upset? My words were so cold to him; I said he never thought about me or my feelings. _I_ am the one who doesn't think about him and his problems. There isn't a selfish bone in Jensen's body. God I am a horrible friend, I made him _cry_ and Jensen doesn't cry in front of anyone. I never meant a word I said to him; I would rather be only his friend than be popular. I need to learn to deal with that asshole Tim's taunting; I won’t take the risk of ever hurting Jensen like that again.

A tear starts to form in the corner of my eye as I think about how shitty I treated him. He may have ‘said’ that he has forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself. When we were standing outside at lunch that day, I just wanted so badly to hug him, feel him in my arms and tell him how very sorry I was, not just with words. That is why I changed the subject so quickly and started talking about Sandy; I thought he could see right through me, see how badly I wanted to hold him.

The bump of the bus hitting a hole in the road jars me back to reality. This reality being that I have a massive hard on that has grown under the weight of my backpack that is lying across my lap. Thank God. I quickly look around and palm myself and will it to go away. When I touch myself, though, I can’t help but think of the person that put it there in the first place. The first name that pops up in my head is… _Jensen_. I close my eyes against a massive headache I can feel coming on, but I am pulled right back into thinking of my best friend.

Jensen's bruises haven't gone unnoticed by me and I feel sick in the pit of my stomach when I see a new one almost every day. It’s so hard for me not to touch him, try and take some of his pain away. One thing I know for sure is that something is happening to him at home. I feel powerless to say anything to him about the situation. He always seems to have some excuse to back up every scrape, bruise or bump. People don't get that banged up all the time like he does and I know he is not as clumsy as he says he is. He’s lying to me about what is going on and that makes me upset. I wish I could help him but I can’t if he won’t open up to me. I have tried talking to him but he freaked out on me. I am afraid he will push away from me if I keep questioning him, and the last thing I want is to lose him. I just wish so badly that he trusted me enough to talk to me about whatever is going on in his life. If I could only get him to open up and confide in me, I might be able to help him.

I am pulled from my thoughts again when the bus finally stops at school. I sling my backpack onto my shoulder, glad that my hard on has finally calmed down and I can walk off of the bus. I immediately start to look around for any sign of my friends. The first person I see, however, happens to be Sandy. A small smile quickly forms on my face as I remember my original plans for the day. Her dark hair is down for once; showing just how long it is. She is dressed nicely as usual, although she has always been ultra conscious about how she looks. Showing just how beautiful she is, she’s wearing a white tank top with a pair of black, skin tight jeans. I smile to myself as I think about her. I am sure I look like a fool, but I don't have the sense to care at the moment. She is just too amazing for words.

“You look beautiful today, Sandy,” I say when I come up and stand in front of her.

“You look pretty hot yourself, Jared,” she says, her face turning a shade of red.

When she smiles I can see her eyes twinkle, and she gives off a small laugh that when I hear it I want to hug her.

Taking a deep breath to build up my confidence, I begin walking with her; determination flowing through my veins. Today is the day I make a move and I won't allow myself to chicken out. If I don't ask her out now, I never will. I am feeling pretty positive right now about my chances so I better do this before I lose my nerve. I’m sure she likes me so what am I so afraid of? One person comes to mind and I try not to think of him.

"Hey, Sandy… I was wondering if I could talk to you, in private,” I say, touching her arm lightly.

"Yeah, sure... um, Brittany..." She says softly to her friend that had come walking up beside her.

“I’ll catch you later okay,” she giggles as her friend gets the hint and makes a quick exit.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" She asks looking towards the ground.

"Well... you see..." I pause; a lump forming in my throat.

Feeling my confidence rapidly evaporating I knew I needed to do this quickly. "I wanted to ask you a question," I ramble quickly.

She makes a gesture with her hand for me to keep talking, so I inhale a large amount of air and let it out slowly in order to calm my nerves so I don't stutter like an idiot.

"Well, I think you're an amazing girl, Sandy and I like talking to you. I would love to get the chance to do it more often, so my question is..." I pause; finding it difficult to ask such a simple question. "I was wondering if you would like to go out with me," I say trying to read the expression on her face.

I watch as a smile slowly forms on her face and she bites her lower lip in the most adorable way.

"You want me to be your girlfriend?" She asks excitement evident in her voice.

"Well... Yeah. I mean we could go somewhere this Friday, a movie or something?" I ask softly, silently praying she says yes.

"I would love to go out with you, Jared," she says sweetly; blushing slightly. "What time would you like to go?"

"How does 6:30 sound to you?" I ask, trying to play it cool.

"That sounds great, I can't wait," she says leaning into me.

I am about to say something else when I suddenly hear my friends' mocking voices from behind me. I turn around and glare at them playfully as they make love sick looks at one another; mocking my conversation with Sandy, which I’m sure they just heard all of. I know they are just messing with me and besides, nothing could bring me down at the moment.

“I’ll see you Friday, Jared,” she says and tilts her head up to give me a quick kiss on the cheek.

“Yeah… see you Friday,” I call to her as she runs off in the direction of her friends.

I immediately yell at Mike and Milo for making fun of me, but can't help laughing at their actions. Tom walks over moments later with Chad by his side. Milo quickly fills them in and soon the three of them are laughing and making ‘kissy’ faces at me. Chad on the other hand is a different case; he’s just staring at me with an unpleasant look on his face. I look away from his intense eyes; not able to handle that look for much longer.

“What is your problem, Chad,” I say getting up in his face.

“I don’t have a problem, Jared,” he spits. “Have you seen Jensen today?” He asks eyes boring into mine.

Why the hell would he be asking me about Jensen… does he know or suspect how I have been feeling? Has he seen me looking at Jensen? _Why did he have to pick_ this _moment to talk about Jensen, didn’t he want me to be happy_ , I quietly think to myself, unaware that Sandy had come back to the group.

I feel her grab hold of my hand and I can't stop from smiling broadly; not that I would want to anyway. She smiles sweetly when I look at her and I squeeze her hand affectionately. Suddenly my eyes widen and I let out a small gasp when I see Jensen walking our way. Today there is no new bruise, not that I can tell from this distance, but something much worse. A white cast adorns his left wrist; indicating that it was recently broken, as in just last night. Instantly my heart sinks and I have to hold back the urge to run to him. A million thoughts rush through my head and I actually feel dizzy. He looks more worn out and depressed than I think I have ever seen him.

When he spots me, I can see the small smile that creeps onto his face. As he walks towards us his gaze drops to the place where mine and Sandy’s fingers are entwined, his smile fades and his eyes turn dark. I see that spark go out of his eyes, the one that was just there a moment ago and I want to drop Sandy’s hand instantly, knowing that it’s the reason for the change in Jensen. Is that a normal reaction for me to have when I have just landed the girl of my dreams? When I see him hurt like this though, my feelings of ‘best friend’ go out the window and I have this sudden urge to protect him more than ever.

After a few minutes, I finally find my voice.

“Jen…what, what happened?” I say, voice coming out shaky as I drop Sandy’s hand and move towards him.

“God you won’t even believe me if I tell you,” he starts to say with a chuckle in his voice.

He begins to tell us that he fell on his wrist the wrong way. I can tell that he is lying, but I don't utter a single word, hurt and pain raging in my gut. I know he would just freak out on me and I really don't want that to happen, but I’m getting to the point where I just want to shake him and tell him to stop lying to us… to me. As hard as it is becoming, I bite my tongue and don’t say anything, hoping that he will come to me on his own without me pressuring him.

“I’m so sorry, Jensen,” Sandy says grabbing for my hand again.

“Thanks, Sandy,” he says noticing the move. “I’m going to go into class now, catch you guys later,” he says and starts to walk towards the front doors.

We all stare at the back of him walking towards the school, each of us having a sad expression on our face. Something is telling me to go after him, but I am paralyzed to do anything except watch him dejectedly walk away. Sandy tells me that she should get going as well, and kisses me on the cheek before walking into the building. I smile at the thought of her and slowly make my way into the building as well. Mike and I say bye to our friends once we reach our class and we separate from them.

Upon entering the room, my eyes fall on Jensen and I get this strong longing in my heart. He is hunched over his notebook with a look of pure sorrow on his face. I really want to help him but I know he won't listen to a word I have to say. I just want him to know that I am here for him, but he would probably take my words the wrong way, get all defensive before I even have the chance to explain what I am really trying to say. There is no getting through to Jensen when it comes to this subject because he simply doesn't want to discuss it.

I decide that since I can't talk to him directly, maybe I could write him a poem. That way I can get out what I am trying to say and he will actually have to listen. I quickly take a seat next to him and pull out my notebook. He glances at me but then goes back to whatever he is writing. Deciding that this is definitely the best idea I have come up with so far, I take out a pen and begin writing; choosing my words wisely.

~*~

It has taken me the entire period to write this poem but I am finally finished. I am actually very proud of this. I am hoping Jensen will like it; maybe it will help him to trust me a little bit more. I know I killed that trust he had in me when I hurt him, but I am sure I can earn it back. I can't handle knowing I screwed up our friendship because of something some jackass said to me. I am determined to get this back to the way we used to be and I refuse to allow Tim to get to me so much.

As everyone exits the room, I rush after Jensen and hand him the poem I just wrote.

“Jen I…I know okay. I know that you didn’t just fall and hurt your wrist…,” I start to say and immediately see the scared horrified look on his face. “Look I don’t want to argue with you, I just want you to have this… to know that… Well just read it,” I say and look down towards my shoes. If I was honest, I didn’t want Jensen to see how very hurt and scared I was for him.

I could feel him look at me before I heard him open up the paper to read what I had written, what my heart spoke.

  
_I know that life ain't always good to you_   
_I've seen exactly what it's put you through_   
_Thrown you around and turned you upside down_   
_And so you, you got to thinking there was no way out_   
_You started sinking and it pulled you down_   


  
_It may be tough, you gotta get back up_   
_Because you know that life ain't over yet_   
_I'm here for you so don't forget_   
_You can count on me_   
_To carry you 'til you carry on_   


  
_Anytime you need someone_   
_Somebody strong to lean on_   
_Well you can count on me_   
_To hold you 'til that healing is done_   
_And every time you fall apart_   
_You can hide here in my arms_   
_And you can count on me_   
_To hold you 'til that feeling is gone_   


  
"You wrote this for me Jay?” He asks with wide, shocked eyes.

"Yeah, I wrote it for you. Maybe one day you’ll be able to trust me again, Jen, let me inside," I say and look around to see if there is anyone else around, feeling a bit uncomfortable at how ‘girly’ this has all gotten.

"I… I don’t know what to say Jay. I can’t…,” he says and stops there, a small tear forming in his right eye.

“Jensen I just want you to know that you are not alone, never alone. You have me,” I whisper as I lightly brush the fingers that are sticking out from his cast on his broken wrist.

I watch as he understands what I am saying and a smile plays at the corners of his mouth, his eyes finally coming to rest on mine.

I have never noticed until now just how amazing Jensen's smile is; I can't help myself from smiling as well. I thought Sandy had a beautiful smile, but even she doesn't compare to Jensen. There is just something about it that I find to be gorgeous; makes me feel all warm inside. It is nice to see him so happy for once too, I should write poems for him more often.

Before I know it, Jensen is hugging me tightly and I gladly hug him back. I refrain from hugging too tightly, though, because I don't want to hurt him. I am sure he has more bruises than what is already revealed and I don't want to hurt him by hugging him too tightly. I never noticed before, but he is way too skinny. In fact, it seems to be on the unhealthy side, and again I kick myself mentally for not taking more notice.

I try not to think such thoughts, though, and just enjoy our embrace, which is over before I would like it to be. God, what is happening to me? I finally have the girlfriend I have always wanted and yet here I am, thinking about my best friend in this way. Am I ever going to move past these inappropriate and confusing feelings? Maybe it’s just that Jensen has had more ‘happen’ to him lately and I’m still feeling guilty from what I said to him. I guess I should be more patient considering I just started dating Sandy today, I mean we haven’t even gone on our first date yet.

Jensen gives me a small smile before looking at the poem once again. I can't stop the smile that forms on my face as I watch him re-read it. This is a better reaction than I could have hoped for. I have never seen him so happy and, in turn, it makes me happy. I feel like I have done something to be proud of. Now I can only hope that this brings us closer. I would give anything for him to trust me like he once did, and hopefully even more. Enough to confide in me whatever deep dark secret he is keeping locked inside of him. I don't know what it is exactly that I am feeling for him, but his friendship means the world to me and I want him to know that he can trust me. I have learned my lesson and will never betray his trust again; I only wish I could get him to believe this.

"I'll see you at lunch Jen, okay?" I say catching that smile again.

"Alright, Jay, I'll see you then. Jared,” he says before I can walk away. “Thanks again for the poem, you have no idea how much it means to me."

"You're welcome Jensen." I respond with a genuine smile. "See ya later dude," I say and give him my dorkiest grin, which makes him laugh.

As I begin to walk away, I find myself wanting to run back to him. Of course I don't, but it is a strange feeling all the same. I have always felt a connection with him, but it just seems to be getting stronger. God I shouldn't be feeling, or even thinking, this way. I have a girlfriend! Did I forget already? I am dating Sandy, someone I have wanted for such a long time and I can't fuck it all up because of some confusing feelings that I shouldn't even be feeling in the first place! I have wanted to be with her for too long to just throw it all away now.

I wish I understood what was happening and why it is happening now; it might be easier to deal with if I did. I can't stop thinking about his arm, that cast, the bruises. His face enters my mind and I can’t help but smile to myself. I think about his scent, sweet yet masculine at the same time. I find myself wanting to pull him into my arms and make every single one of his bruises disappear. I realize how much I want him near, and when he isn't, how much I miss him. I want to make him happy, or at least smile. When he is sad or depressed I find myself to be in the same mood lately even though moments before I was happy. I want to spend more time with him and since I can't it just brings me down. What the hell is happening to me? What does all this mean? Why now of all times, when I have everything that I have wanted… but I want more. I want Jensen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Count On Me - Default


	14. Broken Home

~* Jensen's POV *~

As I watch Jared walk away, I find myself smiling, pure happiness written all over my face. No one has ever done something like this for me before. It is just so sweet and very thoughtful; lets me know that he does indeed care about me. The fact that he suspects what is going on with me still frightens me, but re-reading that poem makes me feel special in a way I have never felt in my life. Makes me feel that he really is there for me and maybe I can take a chance on him, let him into my broken world, see the ugliness that I hide inside. I shake my head as I walk to my next period, feeling the paper between my fingers. I still can’t believe he wrote a poem… for _me_ , usually he just writes them for Sandy. I bite my bottom lip as I think about him… how can that not give me a good feeling?

I make my way to English class; knowing I should not be dawdling because the hallway is nearly empty. I touch my finger to my lips, imagining it is Jared’s, for once loving being lost in thought, not thinking about my home or my father. Dazedly I think of Jared, lunch time and the last few lines of the poem, the poem that was for me…

_You can hide here in my arms_   
_And you can count on me_   
_To hold you 'til that feeling is gone_

_God do I want him to do that, to hold me till I feel whole again_ , I think to myself as continue on my way to English class.

My stomach is turning over and over again and for once it has nothing to do with hunger. The only explanation is my feelings for Jared. The first thing that comes to my mind when I say his name over and over again in my head is love. I am so deeply in love with him, deeper than I even realized until he gave me that note. I think it would make people sick, but I can honestly say I don't really care. I love him and that is nothing to be ashamed of. No one makes me happier than he does, when he says ‘hi’ to me it makes my stomach flip and I feel like I can’t breathe. I know that me being in love with someone untouchable, like Jared, is foolish and could eventually lead to a broken heart, but I can't help it. I don’t choose who my heart decides to love, but I am glad it is Jared. Whoever said that teenagers don't know what love is, obviously must not remember their teenage years.

After what seems like forever, I finally reach my class and I am glad to see that Milo saved my seat for me. Slowly, I make my way down the aisle of desks, but before I make it to my seat I trip and fall flat on my face. This of course hurt like a bitch, but I am just grateful I didn't try to catch my fall with my broken wrist.

As I start to stand up I feel a hand on the back of my neck and hot breath close to my ear.

_“Should have fucked you good that night,”_ Tim says in a haunting whisper that only I can hear, but what he says out loud is something totally different.

“Watch where you’re going you big moron, don’t want to break your _other_ wrist,” Tim says and starts to laugh.

I feel nauseous with the thought of Tim and his hands on me, touching me, feeling me… down there. Tim is smirking in satisfaction as he leans back in his seat; probably thinking he looks cool… I think he looks like an idiot. I mutter _"asshole"_ under my breath as I walk the rest of the way to my seat. Some of the students are snickering, while others are laughing out loud, but I just block out their voices. It is too early to be dealing with this shit. Besides, I am in a good mood for once and I won't allow these jackasses to ruin it for me.

Milo asks me if I am okay and I simply nod my head in answer. He goes back to whatever he is doing just as the teacher enters the room. She starts to give instructions just as my mind decides to go on ‘vacation’. I am unclear on what she is saying; instead thinking of how very close I was to having my first sexual experience be with Tim. I sit and stare a ‘hole’ in the back of his head, wishing so bad that I had the strength to go up to him and beat the shit out of him. Maybe I could knock him out with my cast, but then I would only be hurting my wrist… so I decide he isn’t worth it. I look down and see the folded piece of paper… I smile.

Lunch comes and goes quickly, seeing Jared makes me smile and I notice him looking at me more today than I have ever noticed before. His smile is big and he hides his hazel eyes behind his long bangs, I think he looks so cute when he does that. As I stare at him and he stares back, I can’t help think that it’s like we share this secret connection now. The poem is tucked into my pants pocket; every once in a while I will put my hand inside just to make sure it’s still there, that it’s real and not something I imagined. The bell rings to end our lunch time and when I look up to see Jared, he is staring at me and mouths _‘wait for me after school’_. I nod and head back inside, feeling my stomach tighten once more when he waves and gives me a wink.

  
~*~   


The day has finally ended as I rush out to my locker and go to meet Jared outside. The thought of going home doesn’t excite me in the least, on the contrary I am actually dreading it, but knowing that Jared is waiting for me out weighs any negative feelings I have.

“Dude… catch you tomorrow,” Mike calls to me as he passes me in the hall.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow Mike,” I say after him.

Just as I am rounding the corner to meet Jared I hear a sweet ladies voice call out to me. I don’t even have to turn around to know that it is the school nurse. My stomach gives a violent jump, I really didn’t expect my cast to go unnoticed by anyone, but I was really wishing that it wouldn’t get back to her.

“Jensen, may I please have a word with you,” she asks coming up beside me.

“Sure,” I say hesitantly. I can see Mike ahead of me looking back.

I follow her to her office and sit down on the chair as she closes the door. Damn my father for making me go through this yet again. If he knew the nurse was getting suspicious I am sure he would be more discreet with how he "punishes" me. Yet, I haven't told him and don't intend to in fear of something even worse happening. What if I told the nurse what has been going on and my father just makes it look like I am the clumsiest person in the world, they would have to believe him cause I have been telling them for so long how clumsy I am. They would never believe me, and then my father would know that I had talked to someone and make my punishment even worse, but this time he would know to hit me where they can’t see. No I can’t take that chance, can’t risk telling someone and them not believing me and it getting back to my father. Part of me wants to open up to someone though, but it won’t be the nurse. I feel so ashamed of myself for keeping my father’s dirty little secret, but if I was to tell anyone… it would be Jared.

“Jensen, tell me what happened to your wrist,” she says coming to sit beside me with a very concerned expression on her face.

I let out a sigh and repeat the story of me falling on my wrist the wrong way. I am already getting tired of giving everyone this lie.

“Look, I know it must look suspicious, I come to school with this cast just after you talked to me about the bruises,” I start to say to her.

“I really am just a klutz. My momma always said that I was way too ‘adventurous’. She tells me it’s a miracle I haven’t broken my neck yet with all the falling and banging into thing’s I have done,” I say and chuckle a bit, but then lower my head at the mention of my mom.

“I wish I had a better story ma’am, but that is the truth… I promise,” I say to her and look her dead in the eyes. It kills me inside to lie to her, I know she is only trying to help me but I am just too scared to take a chance.

She doesn't seem to know if she should believe me or not, which doesn't come as a surprise. She sighs once she hears my repetitive words and tells me I am free to go. Just by the frustration that is clear on her features, I can tell she wants to force the truth out of me, but I simply exit her office and don't even glance back.

I glance at my watch and realize that if I don’t hurry I am going to be late getting home, and really I am in no mood to get yelled at, although I do realize it has become inevitable, no matter what I do. Jared has probably given up on waiting for me as well, so I make my way to the front doors to walk home… alone.

As soon as I exit the building I see Jared sitting on the front steps. A smile instantly forms on my face when I see him and I sit myself down next to him. He gives me a small smile when he notices me and brushes against my shoulder.

“The nurse talk to you again,” he asks.

“How did you know?”

“Saw Mike and he told me that she cornered you. Everything okay,” he asks leaning his leg into mine.

“Yeah… everything is fine,” I reply. I know I can’t keep lying to him, it’s like his eyes can read the truth about me.

He shifts in his seat and I can tell that there is something else on his mind, something he wants to say to me.

“Are you doing okay, Jay?” I ask, noticing a slight tenseness in him.

I watch as he lets out a sigh and lifts his head to stare up at the sky. After a few moments of silence, he finally opens his mouth to speak.

"It's just my dad..." He trails off, once again gazing down at his hands.

"What about him?" I ask.

"He... well... he just expects too much from me, ya know. He puts all this pressure on me and doesn't even realize what he is doing to me. He wants me to be a lawyer, Jen. Has drilled this into my head for years,” he says with a huge sigh. “I don't want to be a lawyer, but I can't tell him this because I know how disappointed it would make him. He is trying to push his dreams onto me and I don't know what to do." He explains; getting more emotional by the minute. "I have my own ambitions; I can't do what he wants from me. I just feel so lost," he says resting his head in his hands.

Once I am sure he is finished, I take a deep breath and wait a moment to collect my thoughts.

"Well... you know, eventually you are going to have to build up enough courage to confront him about this. You need to tell him how you feel and put a stop to this. I know you don't want to disappoint him, but this is _your_ life, not his. You need to take control of it Jay, besides you are only fifteen, you shouldn't have to worry about your future just yet."

"Yeah, I know you're right. I just can’t stand to think of my dad being disappointed in me though, I know that sounds dumb…,” he says letting those words just hang there. “Thanks for listening Jen, makes me feel good that I have you to talk to," he says with a deep sigh.

I simply nod my head; sensing he is still troubled, but not sure what else I can do.

"We should head home," he says and starts to stand up.

I agree with him and stand up; silence engulfs us as we walk together; thoughts consuming our minds. I can't help but think about the advice I gave him. Those words apply to me just as much as him. But how can I take back control of my life? Mine and Jared's lives are total opposites with completely different problems. I would love to confront my father, but I know he would just laugh and beat me for speaking out against him. Being brave would get me nowhere and I know this. God, I painfully know this. Sometimes I think my torment will never end and standing up to him would just make things worse.

I feel trapped and helpless, there is nothing I can do to make my father love me again... if there was ever a time he did.

We come to the corner where we go our separate ways.

“Hey… Jay,” I start to say as we are about to head our separate ways. “Thanks again… for today,” I say and reach my hand into my pocket.

Jared starts to walk towards me, a sad sorta smile on his face.

“I meant every word of it, Jen… you aren’t alone,” he says and again brushes my fingers lightly with his own.

I look down to where are fingers meet and have this incredible urge to grab him and tell him everything, to pour my soul out to him. I look up at him and smile, my heart breaking inside for him.

 

~*~

Finishing up the dishes, thankfully the last of my chores, I turn off the water and dry my hand. Washing dishes one handed wasn't exactly easy, but somehow I managed to get them all cleaned. Took me longer than usual, of course, but I am finished now and that is all that truly matters.

Exiting the kitchen, I see my father sitting in the living room watching TV with a cigarette in his hand. Ever since mom has left he’s taken up the habit of smoking. He doesn't show it, but I know he doesn't know how to deal with her absence. I never thought he could drink more than he already did, but once again he has proven me wrong. He is drinking more than he ever has; at times making my torment ten times worse than before.

I turn my attention to the front door when Jason enters the house; he had been over at his friend's place for a while. Right away I can tell that something is bothering him, so I quickly rush to his side and put my arm around his shoulders; softly asking what is wrong.

“Nothing’s wrong with me!” he yells in my face.

I jump in shock as he throws my arm off of him, giving me the angriest glare I have ever seen.

“Why don’t you just mind your own God damn business and leave me alone!” he screams as he bolts for his room upstairs.

I stare after him dumbfounded wondering what just happened, obviously something is bothering him. That was not a normal reaction for him, Jason has never raised his voice to me, I know something is wrong and I hope he will confide in me.

I shut my eyes tightly when I hear my father push back the chair he was sitting in, practically knocking it over, and start to yell at me.

“What the hell did you say to him you little shit,” he barks at me.

I let out an inaudible sigh and slowly turn to face him.

“I didn’t say anything dad… I just asked him what was wrong,” I say, but can tell that he doesn't believe me, he never does.

“Bullshit… you said something to him to make him upset,” he says as he grabs me by my good wrist.

I wince when he takes my arm in his tight grip, but I mentally prepare myself for a beating. He manages to surprise me though, and my eyes widen when he turns his cigarette upside down so that the cherry is facing my skin. Before I can react, he pushes his cigarette down onto my arm and a yell is ripped from my throat. My knees buckle out of reflex and soon I find myself in a kneeling position.

Father drops his hold on my arm and I watch in horror as he relights his cigarette. With an evil glint in his eyes he reaches for my arm once again, but I back away from him in fear.

“Dad… _please_ ,” I beg, although I know that never does any good.

I keep backing up away from him, but I can see in his eyes that it is only making him more mad.

“Don’t you try and get away from me boy, you take your punishment like a man or it’s gonna be a hundred times worse,” he sneers.

I wonder what could be worse than a broken wrist, bruises, whip marks, and the hundred other things he has done to me.

I cry out in agony when my skin is reacquainted with his cigarette, only this time he leaves it there longer; the burning sensation taking over all of my senses. He torments me with his cigarette until it is gone, and by that time I have about fifteen or more cigarette burns adorning my right arm.

He finally releases his hold on me and my arm drops like dead weight. I wince at the pain flaring up the appendage and suck in a deep breath when a cry threatens to escape.

“Go make yourself useful and make me some dinner,” he says pushing me towards the kitchen.

Forcing my body to move, I slowly make my way into the kitchen where I head straight to the sink. Turning on the cold water, I place my arm beneath it and close my eyes as relief sets in. I know I can't stand here with my arm under the water forever, so I shut off the faucet and gently dry my arm off. Once that is done, I open the fridge and pull out some hamburger for dinner. Lastly, I take out some frozen french fries and put the food on the counter. I wonder how I have become so immune to the pain, not that I don’t feel the pain, but just numb inside… emotionally.

  
~*~   


After taking the fries out of the oven, I place the pan on the stove and take two plates out of the cupboard. I can't stop from frowning when I look over the food I made. The hamburgers are burnt and the fries are hard. I know my father is going to be pissed off. I made a horrible dinner and I am sure he is going to throw this fact in my face. He will probably do worse than that and that is what I am afraid of. I have to tell him that dinner is ready though. He will get angry if I take too long, meaning I can't make something better.

With a sigh, I walk into the living room and tell him that the food is ready. In turn, he tells Jason to come down to eat. When he walks into the kitchen, however, he stops dead in his tracks before slowly turning to face me. I timidly look into his eyes and have to force myself not to look away when I see just how disgusted he is. This is the moment Jason walks in and cautiously walks over to the kitchen table; watching the scene in front of him. Father backhands me and begins yelling in my face.

“You expect us to eat this shit,” he yells.

I remain silent; figuring there isn't anything I can possibly say. I know that what I made isn't great, but this is the first time I have ever attempted to make a meal. What more did he expect?

With a groan of distaste, he walks to the fridge and pulls a few items out; telling Jason that they are going to have to force themselves to eat the meal. He then thrusts the items he pulled out of the fridge into my hands, saying that this is my dinner. He then pours a glass of sour milk, hands it to me, and then orders me to sit outside on the porch.

Lowering my head, I do what he says. As soon as I am outside, I sit down on the porch and inspect what I have been given for dinner; stale bread, cheese that has bits of mold on it and a glass of milk with big white curds in it. Looking at the disgusting food all I want to do is scream in frustration, but I manage to control myself.

Knowing I won't be getting anything else, I force myself to eat what has been given to me, picking the green bits off the cheese before eating it. I refuse to drink the sour milk though; I pour that onto the ground. It is disgusting and I have to fight off the urge to vomit, but at least he isn't going to starve me. In a way, I should be grateful, right?

  
~*~   


  
After taking out the trash, I walk back into the house and lock the door behind me. As I am walking up the stairs I hear my father calling out for me in the living room. All I want to do is go to sleep, but I slowly make my way into the living room nonetheless. I don't need him any angrier at me than he already has been today.

Upon entering the living room, he beckons me over to the couch where he is currently sitting.

"I can't have you getting sick again, that would just look suspicious, so I bought this from the thrift store." He says as he hands me a black hoodie.

I stare at the coat as my father is holding it out to me. I can’t believe my father is actually thinking of my well being.

"Besides, the sleeves will cover those cigarette burns," he adds and throws the hoodie in my face.

The last remark was something that didn’t come as a shock to me, why would I think he would ever do anything nice for me, there is always an ulterior motive.

I look at my new hoodie in shock. "Thank you," I say and hate the way the words sound pleading, even to me.

He rolls his eyes and waves his hand in a dismissive manner. "Whatever, just go up to your room."

Hugging the hoodie to my chest, I head up to my room and shut the door. Sure, it has one minor tear in it, but I am just so glad to own a hoodie. Now I don't have to worry about being cold. Whether my father was thinking of me when he bought it or not doesn't matter because I am still grateful for it.

Sitting down on my cot, I lean my back against the wall wincing in pain as the marks haven’t quite healed. I am grateful that none of my buddies have slapped me on the back lately, wouldn’t want them to become more suspicious, although I know Jared knows.   
  
I am startled when there is a knock on my door, but right away I know who it is. Father doesn't knock; he just walks in without permission. Softly, I tell Jason he can come in. He steps into my room and falls forward onto the floor, crying almost uncontrollably.

I rush to his side as my hand goes to his back to sooth him.

“What’s wrong Jason,” I say, concern dripping from every word.

It takes him a moment before he can speak properly, he tries to take a deep breath but it is only making him stutter. Once he calms down enough, he moves to lean up against the wall and wipes his eyes even though more tears fall.

"I am so sorry for yelling at you earlier, I feel so guilty Jen." He says as he lowers his head in shame.

"Don't worry about it Jason, its okay," I say, leaving my hand on his back.

"Dad… dad burned your arm because of me. I'm a terrible brother!" he sobs, coming to lay his head in my lap.

"I’m so sorry Jen, never meant to hurt you,” he keeps repeating over like a mantra.

"Don't even worry about it, okay? It wasn't your fault; he would have done it anyway, he just used you as an excuse." I say soothingly, hoping I can clear his conscience. "Can you tell me what was bothering you earlier?"

At my question, he lets out a pained sigh. "I was watching my friend with his mom tonight after school, and it really hurt. I mean… why did mom have to leave? Why would she leave us in the middle of the night? What did we do that was so wrong,” he says as his breath is coming out in short pants. "God, I hate her so much! How could she do that? Doesn't she love us anymore Jen?” he says, voice almost coming out in hiccups. “I promise to be good Jen… just make her come home, _please_.”

I look down at him lying in my lap like a baby, tears staining my jeans and his body shaking so bad that I have to cover him up with my own to get him to stop. I pull him into my arms and he hold onto me tightly; his only comfort. I didn't realize this was bothering him so much, but it is understandable. After all, I have been feeling the same way. It hurts to see him in so much pain, and I want to cry right along with him, but I force myself to be strong for him.

I don't know the answers to his questions because they are on my mind as well, but I whisper words of comfort and hold him close to me as he cries. I wish there was more that I could do, but I have nothing else to give him.

For the first time in a long time we are acting like brothers; holding onto each other for dear life, both of us feeling more pain than anyone should feel in such a short lifetime.


	15. Let Down

As I sit in the cafeteria with my friends, my mind drifts in and out of their conversation, something about a guitar wars game or something. I am too consumed with thoughts of last night. The new black hoodie I am wearing a constant reminder of what I am hiding underneath. I think about Jason and how he fell apart in my arms, it haunts me to see him as broken as I am emotionally. I should have known that our mother's abandonment was affecting him. He just never showed it and so I assumed that he was dealing with it just fine. How stupid on my part, I should have spoken to him, asked him if he was alright instead of just assuming. I mean he is only ten years old; it’s hard enough for a sixteen year old to deal with this.

In a way, though, it is like we bonded last night; something we never had the chance to do before. Sure, it was under painful circumstances, but we were being brothers for once and I can't help getting a little joy from it. I don't know how long we stayed sitting on my cot, our arms wrapped around each other, but I do know that it was late. Neither one of us wanted to let go of that moment we were sharing, nor of the comfort we were both receiving. It brought us closer and let us realize that we can count on each other, and as much as I feel alone… I know that I am not. If there is ever a time I need someone to talk to I know I can go to him. He may not know the full extent of what father puts me through, but he is the only one who knows even a fraction about how much I suffer.

I am torn from my thoughts when I feel someone standing beside me. Looking up, my throat closes and I can feel sweat starting to bead on my forehead. I can't stop my body from trembling in fear… Tim is looming over me. He sneers as he puts his hand on my shoulder and brings me to a standing position.

“I need to talk to you asshole… oh I mean, _Ackles_ ,” he says and pulls me over to the tree near our lunch table.

I stumble forward and manage to yank my hoodie from his grip, his hands twisting in the material and making it painful on my scarred back and fresh burns. I look past Tim and see the guys look at me in surprise. I want to get as far away from Tim as physically possible, but he is blocking my way with his body. I can feel all the color drain from my face and feel ill being this close to him.

"No need to be afraid of me ya little bitch. I just want to talk is all," he says and smirks over at the group of guys.

Why he has to be such an asshole all the time I’ll never know. He clearly remembers Chad's Halloween party, this being the second time he’s cornered me or singled me out and now has decided to mock me and generally make my life a living hell. You would think he would try to be nicer to me considering the fact that I know his _secret_. Although, who would believe me if I told anything about what happened that night? People would laugh in my face; probably call me a ‘fag’ if I told them that the most popular guy in school has a crush on me and tried to rape me. I would look like a damn fool, not to mention what Jared would think. Tim knows he has me trapped and that is what bothers me so much. There is not a damn thing I can do and I know it.

"Get the hell away from me, Tim," I gasp out trying to get away from him.

"You weren't saying that at Chad’s party were you?" He sneers.

“You can deny it all you want, Jensen, but I _felt_ that you weren’t saying ‘no’ and we both know it,” he says close to my ear and snickering.

I lower my head in shame and look away; his cocky laughter ringing in my ears. I _was_ saying no and fighting against him, but for some unknown reason, to which I feel ashamed, my body betrayed my words. When Tim lay heavy against me, grinding his hips down on top of mine, I could feel his hardness and my body reacted in a way that is still inexplicable to me. Recalling that night, I close my eyes as the memory invades me, haunting me.

_As I lay there in that bed, fighting and telling him “no… please stop” my pleas seemed to go unheard. Tim reached his hands in my pants; felt me harden and stroked me, slow and long in my jeans till the head was moistened with pre cum. My begging becoming more frantic, but still he wouldn’t let up. He took his thumb and rubbed it over the sensitive tip, my body vibrated from the feeling, and then he wiped up the wetness and smeared it on my lips before kissing me hard and bruising. The feeling of his breath hot on my face as he licked down my neck, his hands frantically trying to unzip me and finally pulling me free of the confines of my boxers. His leg was wedged in between mine, rubbing, pulsating his hips till I saw a small wet spot through his jeans._   
_“Now I’m going to fuck you so hard, Jensen,” he said slow and sultry._

I visibly tremble, shaking at the thought of what he _almost_ did to me. Why can't he just leave me alone? Why can't he make my life a little bit easier by just staying out of it? No matter how much I try to forget that night ever happened, the moment I see Tim it all resurfaces again, tormenting me.

He laughs at my obvious discomfort and licks his lips suggestively just to make me feel even more uncomfortable. He then places his knee in between my legs, putting pressure on my crotch, as he steps away from me. A noticeable shudder runs throughout my body and he raises one eyebrow; laughing cruelly, but an unspoken warning shoots over his face. It isn't until now that I notice my friends shooting me questioning looks. I lower my head down; avoiding eye contact with everyone at this point, sure they can see how red I am from embarrassment.

“Everything okay here, Jen?” Jared asks from behind Tim.

“Its fine dork. You come to babysit your boyfriend,” Tim laughs and pushes me hard against the tree, going off in the other direction.

“Thanks,” I say, lowering my gaze.

“What was that all about anyway,” Jared asks.

“Does it have to be about anything? Tim just likes to be a prick, he doesn’t need a reason,” I say and move past him to go sit back down at the lunch table.

To my surprise Jared grabs my arm just as I am about to sit down.

“Jen… don’t,” he says firmly.

“Don’t what,” I ask, my face so hot I can feel it burning.

“Don’t lie to me… don’t you do that to me,” he says, eyes glassy.

Just as I am about to say something the other guys come closer to where we are, concern written on their faces. There was no way I was going to be able to lie my way out of this, not with all of them now hounding me to tell them what was going on between Tim and I.

“Jen I saw what he did to you the other day in English class,” Milo says from the group.

“He did something to you in English?” Jared says defensiveness in his voice.

“It’s… it’s nothing really. You probably wouldn’t believe me even if I told you,” I say trying not to look at anyone in the eyes, especially not Jared.

“Jensen we are your friends, why wouldn’t we believe you,” Tom says and moves closer to me.

"Okay, fine, I'll tell you." I say with a heavy sigh; closing my eyes.

"At the party... Chad’s party… Tim kind of... well, he cornered me in one of the rooms. He told me... well, he was pretty drunk, but he told me that he has been hiding feelings for me. He said his friends would make fun of him for it… basically he told me that he has a crush on me," I say in a rushed voice sure that my face is the color of Jared’s red hoodie.

Tom stares at me in shock before bursting into laughter. "Whoa, Tim likes you? Man, I feel bad for you!"

"Yeah, he's someone you wouldn't want liking you." Milo agrees with a chuckle. He waits a bit then adds; "God, it gives me the chills when I think about it, and I'm not even the one he likes!"

“So what… now he’s stalking you,” Mike giggles.

“No, he’s just being his usual shit head self,” I say.

I can see Jared looking at me from the corner of my eye and I pray to God that he doesn’t ask anything else.

"I get the feeling there is more to this." Jared says, looking at me intently. "What aren't you telling us Jensen?" worry in his voice.

On the outside I remain calm, but on the inside I am panicking. This isn't something I want to tell them, but they are my friends and I should tell them. If anything, they could make me feel better about everything, since they believe me so far. Yet, I can't seem to find the courage to tell them, especially Jared. I lie by saying that was all I had to tell them.

It’s almost the end of lunch time and the guys start to chat about Tim and the whole being ‘gay’ thing. They don’t seem shocked by that so I wonder if it is something they have known or suspected for a while.

I tune them out, focusing on Jared’s eyes from across the table. He looks sad and mad at the same time.

“Jen… can I talk to you for a minute,” he says standing up and moving over to the tree where only moments ago I was standing with Tim.

I stand up and walk with him, afraid of what he’s going to say, maybe he doesn’t believe me.

“Jensen… tell me the truth. Tell me what happened that night between you and Tim,” he pleads. “When you came down those stairs I knew something was wrong, but I was…” Jared stops and takes a deep breath. “I was being a selfish asshole and couldn’t see that you were upset. Now I know that something happened… in that room with you and Tim,” he whispers, sadness in his voice.

I can’t look at him; I can’t make my eyes see the sadness, the guilt, the pity that shines there.

“Please Jensen,” he begs. “Trust me… let me in,” he practically sobs.

“Jay I… I can’t, I’m too embarrassed,” I say to him, my hand coming to hide my face.

Jared catches it and bends to look me in the eyes. “Jen… tell me please, I need to know what he did to you,” he says softly.

"There is more to the story, Jay... details I would rather forget,” I say swallowing hard and looking at him. Seeing only compassion I continue. “Tim... Well, he kissed me, which was beyond disgusting,” I say and brush my hand across my lips in memory. “After that he... he, um...,"I stutter not knowing how or if I can go on.

"Come on Jen, you can tell me," Jared says encouragingly as he puts his arm around my shoulders. "What did Tim do?"

"It's not so much what he did, but what he _tried_ to do." I confess softly; avoiding eye contact and feeling humiliated.

"Please don't tell me it's what I'm thinking, anything but that," Jared says in a horrified voice and louder than he expected.

I look over to where the guys are sitting and am relieved to see that they did not hear what Jared and I are talking about.

“He didn’t… I mean, he never…,” Jared says all the color gone from his face.

I just lower my head in shame and, in just above a whisper, tell him that Tim tried to force himself on me.

“He tried to hold me down, he forced my pants down and…and he,” tears form in my eyes, but never fall. “I was able to get away though, punched him and ran,” I say wiping my face with the back of my hand. Not able to tell Jared the rest of it, that I had gotten hard and Tim managed to take me into his mouth for a few seconds before I got the chance to get away. That when I got home I just _had_ to jack off, not thinking of Tim, but the sensation of a body, that tight wet heat wrapped around me and how badly I wished it was Jared. The shame that I felt, still feel at having done that.

After the truth is revealed, however, an awkward silence falls upon us. Once I am brave enough, I lift my head to see him, see the blame written all over his face. I feel really bad at that moment because I never wanted him to feel guilty; we were moving past that incident. Now I am wondering if I should have even told him. Was it worth it? Not if it makes Jared feel horrible.

"That's what you wanted to talk to me about, why you wanted me to walk you home." Jared whispers in anguish. “You were almost…,” Jared lets the sentence hang. “I was a shitty friend to you that night Jensen, how can you forgive me,” he says, sorrow written all over his face.

“Jay… I don’t blame you. I forgive you because you are my best friend and if I was only straight with you I know you would have handled everything differently. You didn’t know what happened, I wasn’t honest with you so you couldn’t have known,” I say taking hold of his shoulder. “This isn’t your fault and you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty… I forgive you and I just want to forget about the whole incident,” I say squeezing his shoulder.

“Yeah, well I don’t know if I can forgive myself. God, if he would have… I’m _so_ sorry Jen, sorry I let you down,” he says.

“Jay… don’t worry, please, I know how bad you feel and I don’t blame you, like I said I could have been honest with you. It’s something I have to work on,” I say, the last part more to myself than to Jared.

As we walk back over to the lunch table, Jared’s arm slung over my shoulder, I sit down and tell the rest of the guys what happened that night, just telling them the very basics. They all apologize to me for not noticing something was ‘off’ when I left the party abruptly. I tell them it’s okay and that they are not ‘babysitters’ and that I can handle things on my own. The bell rings at just the right time as we pack up our stuff and head inside. I feel good that I have told my friends about this and that they are here to support me; makes me feel that I am taking little steps towards trusting them, especially Jared.

~*~

Today I have decided to try and make my father proud of me, or at least happy. I am going to clean the house until it is spotless. It might take a while, considering my arm, but it will be worth it if my father acknowledges my effort. Maybe then he will see that I am not worthless, that I truly do try. I can't help but get the feeling that he wishes I was never born and that Jason was born first. I honestly don't think he has ever forgiven me for being born, which is such a hard thing for me to think about. I don't know if this is how he truly feels, but it is the only conclusion that makes sense to me.

I am going to try to earn his respect, though. This is just something I have to do. I will never know what the outcome will be unless I try my hardest. If I want my father's love and respect I can't just sit around and wait for it to happen, not like I was doing that before, but I have to make more of a conscious effort. That is one thing I have learned, if you want things to happen in life you have to make them happen. Let’s just hope it works.

Walking into the living room with a cleanser in hand, I get to work on cleaning the coffee table and the two end tables on either side of the couch. I know I have enough time to get all of my work done because my father has to work late tonight. The only thing I have to worry about is him coming home earlier than expected. To get my work done to perfection, I have to stay focused on the task at hand. I am determined to do this because if I want to make my life easier I have to make sure I don't fuck this up. Of course, this could go in either direction. My father could wake up and realize that I'm not worthless, or he could like the job I have done and expect this from me on a daily basis. I don't think I could do this everyday without exhausting myself, so let’s just hope this goes the way I want it to, that he realizes that I am a good son and that I am not worthless.

Once I am finished with the tables, I straighten the cushions on the couch and then use some wood polish on the entertainment center, book shelf, and wooden cabinets. Lastly, I vacuum the carpet before heading up to his room. His bedroom is never cluttered, but it is dirty. With a sigh, I get to work. First, I make his bed, which is something he should notice right away since he never fixes his sheets and blanket. After that is finished, I straighten everything on his nightstand and dresser; making sure everything is organized after I wipe them clean. Taking all his clothes that he has carelessly thrown in a corner, I place them in the dirty clothes basket that he has in his closet.

Walking into his private bathroom, I can't stop from grimacing at what is ahead of me. Towels are all over the floor; dirt is covering the sink and counters, not to mention the shower is beyond disgusting. I suck it up, however, and force myself to do this dirty job.

~*~

By the time I am finished it is already 4:35. It seemed to have taken me forever to get this small room clean. I am proud of myself though; it is sparkling clean and smells fresh once again. Exiting the bathroom, I find Jason standing in the hallway with a smile upon his face. That is when I notice the cleaning supplies in his hands, and I question him on this.

“What are you doing Jason,” I ask in surprise.

“I cleaned my room… you know to help you out. One less room you have to clean,” he says with a broad smile on his face.

“Thanks little brother that is a very big help to me. I want to make the house really clean for when dad comes home, don’t want to give him an excuse to be angry with me,” I say and ruffle his brown shaggy hair. He smiles one last time before walking back into his room and I slowly make my way back downstairs.

Walking into the garage, I take the load of laundry I washed earlier out of the dryer and separate them. First, I fold all of father's clothes, then Jason's, and lastly I fold my own before placing them in the clothes basket. After taking them upstairs and putting them in their rightful places, I head back into the kitchen to wash dishes. Thankfully, I was smart and decided to soak them while I cleaned the rest of the house, that way they will be easier to wash. I always like to think ahead, makes things a lot easier for me.

About fifteen minutes later I am finished with the dishes, so I wash my hands and prepare to take out the trash. I go to every room in the house and dump all the trash cans into one big bag before taking it out.

After that task is done I finally realize just how heavily I am breathing, so I sit down in the kitchen and allow myself to rest for a moment. I am working my ass off and the possibility that I could be doing this for nothing is in the back of my mind, but it is worth it, right? If this could change the way my father treats me, even if in just the slightest bit, I think it is worth the extra effort.

Deciding that I have rested long enough, I stand up and open the fridge. Taking out roast beef, I put it on the counter as I grab a pot from one of our many cabinets. I did a little research at school on how to cook the meal I am about to prepare, and feel confident on the fact that I can do this. From what I read, it doesn't seem too difficult.

After washing the meat thoroughly, I place it in the pot and sprinkle some seasonings on it. Pouring some water into the pot, I turn on the stove before peeling some potatoes to make mashed potatoes for dinner. At this moment, Jason enters the room and sits down across from me at the table. For a while he just sits there watching me silently, but eventually begins to speak.

"I think this dinner is going to turn out great." He says in an encouraging tone, which is something I am grateful for.

"I hope so; I'd hate to screw this up." I say as I continue to peel the potatoes; allowing a sigh to pass through my lips. If this doesn't work I don’t know what I’m going to do, I think I’ll be all out of hope.

"Don't stress on it too much, if nothing else, you know I will like it no matter what. Seeing how much effort you are putting into it, that will make the meal good. At least, for me it will," he says with a grin.

I feel so touched by his words; he is such a sweet kid. I feel horrible for how jealous I used to be of him. "Thanks Jason, that means a lot." I reply with an appreciative smile. "I just hope dad approves," I add getting back to work.

"If mom were here…,” he sadly says. “She would appreciate it too," he whispers the last part.

"I'm sure she wanted to take us with her Jason, it's just... well... she had no other options," I say, struggling to come up with an excuse for our mom's actions. Why I am trying to defend her I am not so sure, because I am angry with her as well. To be honest, I don't think I can forgive her for abandoning us. She took the easy way out, leaving me to suffer. There is no way I can tell Jason that though.

"If you say so,” Jason says with a sigh, obviously having his own opinions regarding this subject. "I just can't understand why she left, and I don't think I ever will. I mean, how can she walk away from her sons, Jen? The way she left was... it was just cruel. She didn't even say goodbye to me,” he sobbed.

I go around the counter to try and comfort him, but before I get the chance he says that he doesn't want to talk about it anymore. I watch him leave the kitchen and am left dumbfounded, I had no idea she left without saying goodbye to him. How could she do that to him? Did she honestly want to leave that badly? What was so terrible about her life that she had to run away so quickly from it? All of father's rage and anger has been directed towards me… not her. If anyone should have gotten up and walked out it’s me. I can’t help but wonder what Jason and I ever did to deserve this?

  
~*~   


  
Placing the plate of roast beef on the table, I take a step back and look at my dinner. I am very proud of myself because the food looks and smells great. The meat is very tender, the mashed potatoes are smooth, the garlic bread isn't burnt like I expected it to be and the corn was surprisingly easy to make. Taking a small piece of the roast, I place it in my mouth and am overjoyed to find that it tastes as good as it smells. I feel very accomplished and am hoping my father will approve of my cooking skills. I have worked very hard on this dinner; it would be nice to see all my hard work appreciated. The house looks great and I have prepared a delicious meal, what more could my father ask for?

When I hear the front door open I try to remain calm, but my stomach is doing flip flops, as I walk out into the hall. Father doesn't acknowledge my presence, just makes his way up the stairs. Silently, I follow along behind him and watch as he enters his room, hoping that he is going to be pleased at the cleanliness. He stops in front of his bed for a moment before dropping his jacket down on it. I wait in anticipation for him to say something about the work I have done, I believe it is obvious that I have worked extremely hard today, this house has never looked so clean before.

When he finally exits his bedroom, he gives me a glare.

“Would you stop following me around like a moron,” he spits. "Though that may be hard for you," he chuckles with a roll of his eyes.

“Sorry dad,” I reply timidly and walk down the stairs. My hopes of him wrapping me in a huge hug and telling me how proud he is of me diminishing with every stomp he takes around the house.

Moment’s later dad enters the kitchen and, once again, doesn't acknowledge my presence as he sits down at the table. He yells for Jason to come down to eat as he makes himself a plate of food. As soon as Jason enters the room he makes himself a plate of food as well. I patiently wait by the wall for their reactions, but the suspense is killing me.

“The food looks really good Jensen,” Jason says, and I can see him looking at father in hopes that he will say something kind as well.  
  
My father just takes his time, finally taking a piece of roast in his mouth. Moments tick by slowly as I intently watch his facial features for any kind of reaction. Somehow deep inside I already know that I am going to be let down again; it is inevitable. Nothing ever goes the way I want it to, so why should this be any different? He already showed no interest or acknowledgement in how hard I worked at cleaning the whole house; not even a single word. Thinking about it though, it is probably better that way, nothing that comes out of his mouth is ever encouraging.

I cringe when he spits out the piece of meat, Jason even jumps when he begins yelling at me.

"What the fuck do you call this boy? It definitely ain't food! All I want is for you to make a decent meal for once… is that too much to ask for?" He yells and pushes back from the table.

All I can do is remain silent as he insults me.

He sneers at me when he takes my dinner out of the cupboard. He makes a point to tell me that the half eaten donut is from a week ago, and then sends me outside. All I will have for dinner tonight is this half eaten donut that is hard, and a small bag of graham cracker crumbs. If I weren't so stubborn I would sit down on the porch and cry.

Well, I have tried my hardest and now I will never make the same mistake again. My father will never forgive me for being born and he will always hate me. Nothing I do will ever earn his love and respect. I refuse to put myself in this position again; won't allow myself to be let down.


	16. Unusual Behavior

~* Two Months Later *~

  
Thanksgiving and Christmas were getting near, as well as Jared's birthday. I wasn't able to go to his party this year, as usual, nor did I have any money to buy him a present. Instead I drew him a picture, hoping it wasn’t going to be the lamest gift ever, and made a frame for it. I wrapped it up as best I could and gave it to him when we walked home from school the last day before Thanksgiving weekend.

“God, Jen this is so beautiful,” he said when he unwrapped the gift.

“Well it’s not much…,” I started to say.

“Jen it’s everything,” he said stopping and giving me a hug. “It means a lot to me that you would take the time to do this… for me,” he said letting go and looking at me.

“You’re my best friend; I only wish I had money to get you a real gift. Like a new hoodie, cause dude this one is starting to stink,” I said and playfully punched him in the arm.

“Ackles… you love this hoodie and you know it,” he said and got me in a head lock.

We continued to wrestle around a bit, joking back and forth. In the past two months something had changed between Jared and I. We were becoming closer and it was a nice feeling. I didn’t want it to ever end and not seeing him over Thanksgiving break was going to be hard. I was definitely not looking forward to spending extra time with my father… that thought made me shudder. At our corners we said good bye and wished each other a happy Thanksgiving. I turned and headed for home, wondering what this year was going to be like with out my mom.

 

This Thanksgiving wasn't as bad as it usually is though. My grandfather came to visit, along with my aunt and uncle. They gave us short notice, as in they called the night before saying they were heading into town could they come and stay with us. Of course my father said yes, but he wasn’t pleased at all. The next morning he actually rushed to the store and bought me an outfit for the occasion. I figured he didn't want his father or sister to get suspicious, so he bought me a new outfit. That fact doesn't bother me, though, I am just glad to have some nice clothes to wear for once.

He bought me a nice pair of dark blue jeans, thankfully they weren’t those ‘skinny’ jeans that seemed to be so popular these days; I hate those types of pants. The shirt he bought was a black button up type, with long sleeves. Of course, I left the cuffs unbuttoned because that’s how Jared always wore his, and he looked so cool that way. To top it all off, he even bought me a pair of black combat boots. It felt like Christmas had come early, not only did I get new clothes; as long as my grandpa was around I was actually treated like part of the family.

Just to put up a good front in front of everyone, my father was nice to me the entire night; actually talking to me in a way a father should. It had felt like the past ten years had been just a dream and I had finally awoken. I knew it was all too good to be true and I didn't fully let my guard down, though I am not sure I even know how to do that anymore. However, it was nice seeing my grandfather again; he is always full of cheer. I have never really had the chance to get to know my aunt, but she seems like a sweet lady. Her husband is just as nice as her, if not nicer. He made it a point to talk to me most of the time he was here. I wasn't sure why, but I definitely wasn't complaining.

The only awkward moment we had that night was when my grandfather brought up my mom. He had wanted to know why my mom wasn't there and what had happened. Of course, my father altered the story quite a bit; making himself seem like the victim in the situation. I didn't say a word through the whole conversation, just bitterly listened to my father make my mom seem like the bad person. I shouldn't have expected anything less; that is just how my father is.

This Christmas was no different than the ones before it. I remained silent on the couch and watched as they opened presents. My dad only received a couple of gifts considering my mom wasn't there, but he made sure that Jason had lots. In a way, I just enjoyed seeing the expressions that overtook Jason's face as he opened them. Other than that, though, I wasn't excited about Christmas. When am I ever, though?

Once everything was done I was left to clean up the mess and take down the decorations. The hardest part was the tree because it is fake, meaning I had to pull it all apart and place each piece back in its box. Not to mention the tree is pretty damn tall, so my task was a difficult one. After I was done I was so glad to be able to go to bed. It took me a while to take all the decorations down and then I had to take the box up to the attic. That is the way my father is, though. As soon as all the celebrating is finished he wants all of the decorations and such taken down right away. He doesn't do this himself; of course, it is expected of me to take on this task every year.

Also, I was able to get the cast off my wrist. Taking it off wasn't exactly a pleasant experience, but I am glad it is over with. It is great to finally be rid of that damn thing. It is nice being able to use both of my hands and I hope to never go through that experience again.

I am startled from my thoughts when I hear my father yelling for me to come downstairs, so I grab my backpack and exit my room. As soon as I enter the kitchen he motions for me to sit down at the table and places some toast in front of me. There are two pieces and they have both been half eaten, but I honestly don't care. I have grown used to eating food that someone was just going to waste. I don't see how anyone can waste food, but I guess that is because I don't get to eat as much as a normal person does. In a way, I am glad my family wastes so much food because that is what I am given to eat on a daily basis.

It only takes me a minute to eat and I am still hungry, but I know I won't be receiving anything else, so I stand up and place the plate in the sink. Whispering a timid thank you, my father rolls his eyes and tells me to leave for school. I do so without uttering another word; knowing he doesn't want to hear my voice anyway.

Slowly, I make my way down the driveway and follow the sidewalk that leads to school. As I walk by Mrs. Martin's house I see that she is outside tending to her garden. When she sees me, she waves with a smile upon her face. Of course, I return the gesture. I helped her bring her groceries into her house a couple of weeks ago and I must have made an impression on her because whenever she sees me a conversation usually ensues. She is such a sweet old lady, who recently lost her husband. She is dealing with it like a little soldier, though; saying that she will see him again soon and that she is patiently waiting for that day to arrive. She says that she is just glad the he isn't in pain anymore and how that knowledge makes every day a little easier for her. She is an inspiration, she truly is.

Once I finally reach school, I am met with none other than Sandra McCoy. Ever since she and Jared got together I can't seem to get rid of her. I am dealing with their ‘relationship’ the best that I can, though it still hurts to see him with someone else. She obviously wants to be my friend, for what reason I am not quite sure, but I decided to make an effort for Jared's sake. She really is a nice person and I don't mind talking to her from time to time, but I am still trying to adjust. At least I don't make a quick exit whenever they are together anymore. It tears at my heart to see them acting like any couple would, but I think I am handling it pretty well. Chad keeps telling me that their relationship won't last, but I have my own opinions concerning this subject. They look very happy together and I don't see it ending anytime soon. I am just glad to see him with someone he truly cares about; even if that person isn't me. I am just glad to see him happy. He really deserves to be happy, and if Sandy is the one who is able to achieve that then I can accept their relationship. Besides, I realize one thing... I have to let him go.

Sandy's eyes light up as she looks over at me. I can feel myself start to blush.

"Looking good Ackles, I like the new outfit," she says walking towards me.

"Thanks, I like it too," I say not really knowing what else to say to her.

"Which you should," She says with a friendly smile upon her face. "So, where are ya headed?"

"Home room and yourself?”

"Nowhere yet, just waiting for Jared to show up,” she says with a slight sigh.

"You don’t sound too happy about that," I say in confusion.

"Well, it just seems like something is bothering him, but he won't open up to me. We have been having some problems as well and I get the feeling that... well, that he's going to break up with me,” she says taking a deep breath. “It could just be me being stupid, but that's the vibe I've been getting from him. He seems distracted by something; he doesn't talk to me as much as he did before. I think I'm losing him," she says, tears filling her eyes.

I have to admit that I am surprised by the fact she has confided in me so easily. I honestly didn't think she would talk to me about her problems with little to no hesitation. I am also surprised to hear that she and Jared have been having problems. I wonder what has been going on with him lately. I hope he is okay because I know he wouldn't want to screw things up with her. He has wanted to be with her for so long, and to hear he has been distant with her... something must be wrong.

"I don't know what is going on with him either. I haven’t really had a chance to talk to him over the break, but I can talk to him if you want me to; try to convince him to confide in you." I say softly, not really wanting to utter these words. Jared hasn't confided in me, and I would like to think that he would come to me before her, but who's to say he wouldn't go to her first?

"You'd do that?" She asks with a hopeful expression on her face. "Thank you so much Jensen, you're such a great friend!"

_I didn't realize we were friends, but, now that I think about it, I'm not really complaining_ , I think to myself before responding. "It's no problem; just remember that I'm making no promises. It will be up to him if he talks to you or not."

Just then Jared walks up to us and asks what we were talking about. Sandy quickly comes up with a lie; saying she asked me to show her a few things concerning art. I have to say it was a good lie because he appears to believe it.

With an ache in my chest I watch as she takes his hand in hers and places a tender kiss upon his cheek. To my surprise, however, he gives her a small smile, which seems a little forced, drops her hand and says he has to get to class. He tells us that he has some unfinished work to do before he makes a quick exit and we are left to watch him walk away. I must admit his actions are rather unusual, and I am left with a guilty feeling in my gut. I have been too consumed with my own troubles and despair to notice my friend is upset. I can't help but feel terrible because I should have seen it. I have been blind to the fact that the one I love is suffering. Maybe he was right all along; I only think about myself.

Turning my gaze back to Sandy, I am met with one of the most depressing sights. Tears brim her eyes but she is refusing to let them fall, her lower lip is trembling slightly, and a pained expression is covering her features. I am seeing how much his behavior is hurting her and one thing is painfully obvious to me; she may very well be in love with him.

For some reason I am not too clear on, I do something I am definitely not known for doing; I pull her into my arms. She looked to be dealing with so much mental anguish that I couldn't stop myself from trying to offer her a little comfort. She doesn't seem to mind, though, as she buries her face against my chest and finally allows a few tears to fall. I just simply hold her against me and soothingly rub her back. I don't really know what else I can do.

For the first time I finally see why Jared likes her, and I truly hope they can work things out. He has someone who cares deeply for him, and is hurting because he is, I don't want him to lose her. She seems to care about him almost as much as I do. I have loved him for years and she can't love him that much since they have only been together for two months, but I can see part of her is beginning to love him. I don't know, maybe she is the type of person that falls fast.

After a moment she finally pulls away and wipes her eyes; an embarrassed smile on her face. I reassure her on the fact that I will talk with Jared and try to convince him to speak to her. She smiles gratefully and thanks me for doing this for her. I simply nod my head; unable to form any encouraging words, and then we both make our way into the building. We separate once we reach her homeroom and before I know it I am sitting beside Jared.

“Hey,” I say to him and lean over his desk. After a few minutes of him not responding I wave my hand in front of his face.

“Earth to Jared.”

He seems to be in his own little world, and after a few minutes of trying to strike up a conversation, I give up.

While I sit here with nothing to do, I let my mind take me away. I can't help thinking back on that conversation I had with Jared two months ago. His father has expectations for his future, but Jared has his own dreams for his life. Everyone has a dream in life, but what good do they do us? That is what I would like to know. All they do is place hope in our souls that will be destroyed later on in life. No one really gets to turn their dreams into reality, though, do they? Sure, there are the few lucky ones, but for the majority of the population they have to watch as their dreams slowly fade out of sight; never to be fulfilled. My father always wanted to be a movie director but had to settle with being the manager at the local bar.

Of course, like everyone else, I have my own dreams and aspirations. One of them is to form a bond with my father and the other is to become a famous artist or to do something in the field of science, but the chances of either of them happening are very slim. I think it is foolish to hold onto your dreams when in reality nothing ever goes the way you want or plan them to. Why hold onto something when you are just going to be let down in the end? We all have dreams in life, but that is all they will ever be, at least it seems that way to me, just pipe dreams. At some point we all realize, though, that we all have to settle for what we are given. We have to let go of our dreams, while other people get to live out our dreams when they don't even want them; having dreams of their own that were never fulfilled.

It is all kind of sad when you think about it, but that is just the way life is. We all live the best we can, while simply waiting to die. It doesn't make any sense, and it is pretty discouraging when you think about it, but that is what I have learned about life.

~*~

Entering the cafeteria, I stand in the entryway and scan the room for any sign of Jared. Surprisingly, though, he is nowhere in sight. As Mike is walking past me I ask if he has seen Jared, but to my dismay he shakes his head. Sandy is sitting at a table with her friends; looking more miserable than I have seen her in quite a while.

Glancing around the room once more, I exit the cafeteria and continue searching for Jared. First I head to his locker, thinking it is a possibility that he could just be running late. That thought is soon discarded, however, when I see that the hall is nearly empty, with no sign of him. Getting frustrated, I let out a groan and head out of the building; hoping he is outside.

I let out a sigh of relief when I see him in the distance, sitting beneath a big oak tree… our tree. Slowly I make my way towards him and sit down beside him. Leaning my back against the tree, I stare intently at him; wondering what could be troubling him so much. He lets out a sigh and turns his gaze toward me with an annoyed expression on his face; obviously not too happy about the fact that I was staring at him. Blushing a deep crimson, I look away and let out a sigh of my own.

"What's going on with you Jared?" I ask after a moment of silence.

He looks away from me when he hears my question. "I don't know what you're talking about," he says.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. Look... I know something is bothering you,” I say hesitantly. “Sandy can see it as well. You can talk to me you know," I say pleadingly.

He turns his gaze back to me and smiles sadly. "A lot of things are bothering me. My head is so messed up right now."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask.

"I don't know where to start..." He trails off with a deep breath and looks to be trying to find the right words to explain how he is feeling. "Well, I haven't told anyone about this, but my parents... they're getting a divorce Jen. Well, I should say they are divorced, since it became official about a week ago, and... My dad is moving to New York. I am just so lost right now."

I simply stare at him in shock. I had no idea things were so rough on him. Maybe if I had noticed sooner I could have been there for him to talk to, made it a little easier on him. "I'm so sorry Jare; I really don't know what to say. I know what you're going through, though, so I can understand what you're dealing with... the pain, anger, betrayal, and confusion. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here for you," I say and lightly touch his shoulder.

"What do you mean you know what I'm going through? What happened, Jensen?" He asks softly, looking at me in concern.

"My… my mom left about two months ago. I haven't seen her since." I whisper as I lower my head; depression taking over when my mind focuses on my mom's absence.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" He asks as he places his arm around my shoulders.

"I don't know, I guess I didn't want to think about it," I say truthfully.

"I'm so sorry, Jen, and don't worry, if I need someone to talk to you'll be my first choice. Just keep in mind that you can talk to me too."

I nod my head and smile slightly. "So... what else is bothering you?"

He lets out another breath and removes his arm from around my shoulders; taking the warmth with him. "I really like Sandy, and have for such a long time, but recently I realized that I'm in love with someone else,” he says and pauses for a moment. “I was blind to it before, but I believe I have been in love with this person for a long time. I am just so confused; I don’t know what to do. I don't want to hurt Sandy, but it's wrong to stay with her when my heart belongs to someone else, isn't it?" he asks.

"Are you positive this person means more to you than Sandy?" I ask softly; quite shocked from hearing this unexpected information and wracking my brain to think who this ‘mystery’ person could be.

He just stares at me intently, causing me to feel rather uncomfortable; wondering why he is staring at me like that. I shift uncomfortably, while his eyes bore into mine. Clearing my throat, I start fidgeting with my fingers nervously. Slowly, a wide smile forms on his face and he nods his head, saying, "This person means the world to me."

I can't help smiling when he looks away with a blush flaring up his cheeks. Whoever this person is, they are lucky. Jared is obviously in love with them.

"Then this relationship with Sandy isn't a healthy one. If you decide to break up with her, though, go easy on her. But do it before it causes her any unnecessary pain," I suggest to him.

Slowly, he nods his head and smiles at me gratefully. "Thanks for the advice Jensen."

"No problem man, that's what I'm here for. Just one question, though... who is this mystery person who has your heart?"

He blushes a deep crimson and quickly shakes his head. "No offense, but I'd rather just keep that to myself."

I let the subject go; deciding not to pressure him. There are things I refuse to discuss with him, even though he questions me. He never pressures me into telling him, though, and I won't be a hypocrite by pressuring him. I will give him the same respect that he gives me.

Remaining in our leaning position against the tree, a comfortable silence engulfs us. No words are needed; just enjoying each other's presence. Knowing that he trusts me enough to share his problems means the world to me, but it also makes me feel a little guilty. I want to share my problems with him as well but just can't seem to find the courage to do so. What would his reaction be if I told him the truth? I am afraid of knowing.


	17. Repeated Actions

Heading off school grounds, I slowly make my way home. I am not sure what type of mood my father will be in once I arrive at my house because he seemed rather irritated this morning. I can only hope that he goes easy on me, maybe for once he won't find a reason to beat me. I know that is only wishful thinking because, in his opinion, everything about me is a reason to punish me. Hope is the only thing keeping me strong enough to continue walking home. If I wasn't so worried about the consequences, I wouldn't even go home right now.

I can hear my name in the distance and slowly turn around to see Jared running to catch up to me. A smile plays over my lips as I see him jogging towards me, so I stop and wait until he is panting in front of me trying to catch his breath. Without saying a word to one another we both start to walk side by side. After a while he glances in my direction and smiles, I can feel my face flush with color as he bores his brown eyes into mine.

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything before, but I like the new outfit. It looks good on you," he says as he looks me up and down.

"You really like it?" I ask and subconsciously run my hands over the front of my new shirt. "You really think this style suites me?" I say, red cheeks getting more red by the minute.

"Yeah… totally hot," he says and winks. "Never seen you look better, Jen,” he replies and puts his hands in his pockets.

"Thanks, Jay," I say and hit him playfully on the arm.

 

~*~

 

I can't stop the gasp of pain that escapes my throat as I curl my body into a fetal position. The floor is cold against my naked upper body but I don't have the strength to move and am afraid of the pain that action would cause. My back feels like it is on fire, the pain won't ease up even though I am motionless. On the floor is a large pool of blood; my blood. I am sure there is even more on the other side of me. The only thing I am grateful for is the fact that my new shirt and pants lie in a heap a few feet away; untainted.

Gasping in pain, I place the palm of my hand against my head and wince when the sting of my wound reaches my senses. Removing my hand, I see that it is covered in blood and I let out a groan. I know that if I don't take a shower soon my hair will be matted to my head and it will be hard to get the blood out. Gritting my teeth, I force my aching body into a sitting position and am overwhelmed with the need to vomit. Wincing in pain, I slowly force my body into a standing position and grasp onto the kitchen counter to keep my balance. My eyes are slightly blurry and my head spinning; making me very dizzy.

After the dizzy feeling disappears and my vision clears, I slowly make my way upstairs. Once I am in the bathroom, I shut the door behind me and gaze at my reflection in the mirror. I can't help but flinch at the mere sight of my appearance; father has done some job on me this time. I strain to look at myself, trying hard to remember what I did to cause this punishment.

_I arrived home after school and to my surprise father was no where in sight, he must be working late tonight, I think to myself. I breathe a sigh of relief and start to take out the trash. I head back into the house and go straight into the kitchen where there is a pile of dishes awaiting me. Jason is sitting at the table eating a snack and doing his homework. As soon as I reach the sink I fill it with water and add a little dish soap. With a sigh, I begin my nightly chore; finding it to be getting old and frustrating._

_I hear a gasp from Jason's direction when I feel someone hit me on the back of my neck. I stumble forward from the impact but hands prevent me from falling into the sink. Before what is happening can register in my brain, I am thrown to the side and the back of my head collides with the counter; a sickening thud can be heard. Pain floods my senses as my frail body falls to the floor._

_"Jason, get up to your room… now!" Father yells in a menacing tone of voice that leaves no room for arguments._

_I turn my head to see the frightened expression spread across Jason's face. He looks at me in hesitation and slowly I nod my head; silently telling him to leave. With the way my father is acting it wouldn't surprise me if he suddenly decided to take his anger out on my younger brother. I have never seen him so angry, or drunk. The stench of alcohol is clinging to his body and the bitter aroma is strong._

_"Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?" I ask weakly once Jason runs from the room._

_"Surprisingly, you've done nothing… yet, but I’m sure if I had waited any longer you would have pissed me off one way or another. Besides I am you father, I don’t need a ‘reason’ to punish you, you just being here is reason enough," he answers casually, as if it is the most natural thing in the world._

_Forcefully, he pulls me up by my new shirt and punches me in the face. My head flings to the side from the impact and my cheek is stinging, but I have had to deal with a lot worse. I cringe when he raises his fist and I am thinking he is going to continue this assault but he must have changed his mind because he is removing my shirt instead. I try to fight him off, my mind wildly thinking of Tim and Chad’s party, when he begins to take off my pants. He effortlessly pins my wrists above my head, one hand holding both of mine while his other hand is fumbling with the button on my pants. He finally gets it undone and starts to pull down the fly. I can feel his fingers skimming across my crotch and panic is rising inside of me, one that I have never felt since ‘that’ night. I can't begin to understand what my father is doing. Is he just making his job easier by ridding me of my clothes so that he can beat me with more efficiency? My father has made me nervous in the past, but it has never been this bad. I just don't understand where such a strong feeling is coming from._

_I am pulled away from this thought when he successfully removes my pants. He then throws my clothes off into the corner of the kitchen and I watch with horrified eyes as he lights a cigarette. I know it is useless, but I still attempt to stand and get away from him, feeling very naked and vulnerable with only my boxer briefs on. Before I can even get to my feet though, my father grabs my legs and pulls them from beneath me, causing me to once again fall to the floor. A scream of agony is ripped from my throat when I feel his cigarette burning my right leg. I thrash my body around on the floor in hopes of removing the cigarette but also because of the pain. My father leans his weight on my legs causing my movements to cease._

_I am forced to endure this torture; hoping it will all be over soon. He simply continues to relight the cigarette and torture my leg with it. I bite my lower lip as he continues his assault on my leg; I am biting so hard that I can taste the metallic coppery blood in my mouth. It is taking all the willpower I possess to keep from crying out in pain. In my mind, I keep telling myself that I can't give in and cry out because that means he wins. The pain is intense and I want to beg him to stop, but I know my pleas would be in vain. He will only quit when he is ready._

_With a sigh of relief, I close my eyes and let my damaged lip free from my teeth's death grip. Father has finally released my leg from his torture and is now placing his cigarette butt in the ashtray. Thinking he is finished tormenting me, I turn over onto my side._

_“Did I tell you to move,” he screams out and kicks me in the stomach. I force my body to lie motionless on the floor; hoping that soon he will end his torment and leave me alone._

_In horror, I watch as an evil smirk consumes his lips, and he tells me that he will teach me not to move as he begins to remove his belt. With his foot, he roughly pushes me onto my stomach and I am painfully aware of what is to come. With a fragile mind, I can't help but think one thing: oh no, please... not again._ Oh God please, anything but this!

I push the memory of moments ago out of my mind and grip the counter. Taking a deep breath, I let it out slowly and remove my boxers. I have to bite down on my lip because this simple action causes me more pain than is imaginable. It hurt like hell the last time he whipped me with his belt, but this time is so much worse. I thought he would never stop; the assault lasted so much longer than the first time. At least, it seemed that way to me.

Turning the water on in the shower to a warm temperature, I step inside and allow the liquid to run down my front. The water instantly relaxes me and I let out a sigh of content. I am finally putting my guard down and my mind at ease. My father left immediately after beating me, yet I still kept my defenses up; afraid he would walk through that door and once again start beating me. I have a good feeling on where he ran off to and I am not happy about it. Right now he is probably at the bar drinking his problems away.

Turning around in the shower, I allow the warm water to run down my back. The water stings my fresh open wounds, but I manage to keep my cries of anguish inside. Once I am sure all the blood is washed away, I turn off the water and start to step out into the chilly air. As soon as I open the shower curtain I am startled by a small figure holding a towel. Jason is standing in his pajamas and holds out a towel for me. I can see that he has been crying and I feel so ashamed and guilty. Shivering slightly, I wrap a towel around my waist and proceed to dry myself off.

“I got these from your dresser,” he says as he hands me a clean pair of boxers.

I go to slide them on, but loose my balance slightly, falling forward into Jason. He grabs me under my arms and guides me to the toilet. He helps me sit down and immediately goes to get the first aid kit. I manage to slip my shorts on the rest of the way, feeling less exposed. I hang my head as Jason puts the first aid kit next to the sink.

"I… I could hear you scream from all the way in my room," he says with a sob in his voice.

Jason pours some peroxide on a cotton ball and begins to dab it onto my wounds.

I suck a deep breath of air in as the cool liquid touches my scorching wounds. I can’t help but wince in pain, the peroxide irritating and stinging my broken skin.

"I was really that loud?" I ask through gritted teeth.

"Yeah..." He trails off with a sigh. "Dad really scared me. I mean, I have never seen him so angry, he’s never yelled at me like that before,” he says and goes to walk completely behind me to get the full view of my injury. “Your back Jen… it’s… it’s so ripped up,” he says tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “Why… why does dad do that to you? Why does he hate you so much Jensen?” he asks and balls up his fists and jams them into his eyes to stop the tears from pouring even more.

"Jason dad's different when he drinks, I just think that he misses mom and he is angry so he takes it out on me,” I say to him and try to get him to look at me in the eyes. “I think he would probably be a better person if he didn’t drink so much, “I say, trying to give Jason an explanation that he could understand and not ‘hate’ dad for. Even though I don't think he would be the person Jason believes he would be. I won't take that illusion away. I keep that opinion to myself; it seems to be the better option, plus I honestly don’t know why my father hates me so much.

"I am so sorry he does this to you, Jensen,” he sniffs. “I must have seemed like such a brat to you all these years. I never meant to hurt you, it’s just I never realized just how badly he hurt you. You must've thought I was a horrible brother, “he says with shame in his voice.

"Don't worry so much, Jason,” I say to him and pull him closer. “Not once have I ever blamed you for anything. You are young and had no idea just what father puts me through. None of this is your fault and I don't want you feeling as though it is, you're innocent in all this." I say soothingly; hoping it eases some of his guilt. _Sure, for a while I was jealous of you and hated the way you treated me, but that is in the past and I feel terrible for ever feeling that way in the first place_ , I think to myself.

"I still feel terrible, but I am just glad we are getting along now. I was scared you would hate me. I mean, I acted like a spoiled brat," he says and looks away in disgrace.

"You're my brother, Jason and I could never hate you. The slate has been wiped clean; we have a fresh start now. I believe we're becoming closer, which is all that counts. Let's just forget this and move on." I make him look at me as I say this so he gets the full effect of the words. "Now come on, let's get out of the bathroom, I have to start dinner."

I follow Jason out of the confining bathroom and head downstairs. Upon reaching the kitchen, I pick up my discarded clothing from the floor and, as difficult as the task is; I somehow manage to put them on without causing myself a tremendous amount of pain. Letting out a sigh, I get to work on finding something to cook for dinner; knowing that no matter what I decide my father will probably hate it anyway.

  
~*~   


  
I jolt awake in panic; breathing erratically and sweat covering my entire body. The dream, or should I say nightmare, I had just a moment ago still fresh in my mind; clinging to my memory and shaking me to my core. I hate how realistic some dreams tend to be, the ones where you wake up and question if it were reality; thinking that what was happening in your subconscious is still in motion.

My breathing is starting to calm down somewhat, but my heart is still beating fast. I close my eyes to the memory.

  
_“You are a worthless piece of shit…no better than a dog and dogs need to be tied up.” My father says as he spreads me out on the kitchen table and ties my hands and legs to each corner. I can see my mother staring at me from the kitchen door, laughing and mocking me…telling father he is doing a good job and that I deserve to be punished for my sins. Father cinches the rope tighter against my wrists and I feel something cold and sharp against my thigh, but can’t bring myself to look at what I know is a knife that he’s holding. “You were supposed to be a girl you know,” mother says coming closer to me on the table. “I wanted a little girl first, never really wanted a boy first. You were a mistake and I could never really love you. You were always so clingy, wanted to be held all the time. That’s why I named you ‘Jensen’, because then I could call you ‘Jenny’, pretend you were the daughter that I wanted. I can’t pretend any more, you ruined our perfect family,” she said looking into my eyes, her eyes devoid of feeling. I cried out as I felt the sharp object pierce my skin above my thigh. The knife dragged up my body, leaving a trail of blood in its wake. I clamp my eyes shut, but open them when I hear a familiar laugh. Jared is in the room now and he comes to the other side of me, staring with disgust in his eyes._

_"I know you have been lying to me the entire time, and I don't associate with liars Jensen. I also know what you've been keeping from me… about Tim. You honestly think I could love someone like you; some pathetic excuse for a best friend?” his breath is ragged and his face full of hate. “I hate you, Jen and would never love a weak, worthless piece of shit like you! I bet you liked what Tim did to you…you wanted him to fuck you, got hard and everything. Had to go home and jack off because you wanted him so bad. You are nothing but a big faggot and I have been your friend long enough; I want you out of my life," he sneers._

The dream was so real that I can feel the wetness on my cheeks, those words echoing in my head. The pain in my entire body where my father was cutting me, stabbing me as the three of them stood around and proceeded to mock me until I took my last breath. It was the worst dream I have ever had and I just can't seem to shake it.

I frown in confusion when I hear faint sobbing coming from somewhere outside my room. Slowly, I stand up and, as silently as possible, exit the room. I follow the sound and end up standing in front of my father's bedroom. The door is cracked open just slightly but enough for me to see into the room. He is sitting on his bed with his back turned to me. His body is trembling ever so slightly as he tries to tone down the sobs that echo in the room. Grasped tightly in both of his hands is a photograph, one of him and my mom. This is a rare occasion for me; he never shows any signs of weakness. This leads me to wonder if he cries often at night when Jason and I are asleep. This also shows me that he isn't as strong as he wants everyone to believe. His heart is hurting; he misses my mom.

I watch as the photograph falls from his grasp and he buries his face in the palms of his hands. The sight is too much for me to bear so I quickly run back to my room and lock myself inside. I just can't believe what I just witnessed; so foreign to me. He has always told me that crying is a sign of weakness; that no man should sink that low. Yet, I see that he cries when he is alone. He is human just like everyone else, but is ashamed of how weak he thinks he is. Maybe he punches me for it because he is, in a way, ashamed of himself. That makes sense to me, but I could be totally wrong. I just wish I could understand why he hurts me like he does. How could I possibly deserve what he puts me through?

With a sigh, I walk over to my cot and take my notebook from the hole in my wall. Once I have retrieved a pen from my backpack, I sit down on the window sill and let the moon give me the light I need. Opening the notebook, I put the point of the pen down onto the paper but don't write anything down. I am not quite sure how I want to start this poem, and no words are coming to me. I know I want to write about how I feel deep inside, but I can't seem to find the words. I am feeling so many emotions when I think about how I am treated and what the abuse has done to me, I believe it is permanent.

After a while of just sitting here thinking, words finally form in my head and I quickly put them down to paper before I lose them.

  
_A lonely figure stands_   
_In the shadows of the night_   
_Pain remaining to keep them_   
_Hidden out of sight_   
_Unfaithfulness and broken trust_   
_Is all they've ever known_   
_Feeling lost and empty_   
_Keeping them from being shown_   
_Tired of all the lies_   
_And not wanting anymore betrayal_   
_Staying lost inside themselves_   
_Is something they can't fail_   
_Voice is a mere whisper_   
_And sounds so hollow_   
_Immobilized by fear_   
_And swallowed by their sorrow_   
_Smiles of happiness_   
_Are something they recognize_   
_But is just a memory_   
_Beneath a mountain of lies_   
_Wishing the pain would disappear_   
_So they could be healed_   
_But numbness and isolation_   
_Is what is revealed_   
_Disturbing images_   
_In the back of their mind_   
_Trying to push them away_   
_Yet more of them they find_   
_Wishing someone could take them away_   
_From this hell they're living in_   
_But no one knows they're there_   
_Therefore, cannot save them_   
_Silently wanting to be seen_   
_But frightened by the light_   
_Feeling so much safer_   
_Hidden in the shadows of the night_   


I jump when I hear a door close and instantly know my father went into the bathroom. I know he will check on Jason and me, so I quickly put my notebook back before lying down on my cot. I can't lie on my back because of the job my father did on it, so once again I am forced to lie on my stomach. I turn my head so I am facing the wall, and try to steady my breathing as I hear my door open. I silently pray that he doesn't know I am awake and let out a sigh of relief when I hear the door close again. I remain in this still position for a while longer just in case my father is trying to trick me. It wouldn't be the first time he has done something like that. When I am sure I hear no movements, though, I cautiously turn my head to see that my room is empty.

With a groan, I push myself into a sitting position and simply stare out my window. I know I won't be getting any more sleep anytime soon because I am wide awake, and I don't see the point in even trying. A morose feeling takes over me as I stare out my window. I know that my mom is somewhere out there. I wonder how her life is now that she escaped. Does she ever think about what she left behind? It hurts deeply because she never even writes to us to show us that she at least cares.

Why does everything have to be so fucked up?


	18. A Wrong Decision

As I look in the mirror I let out a sigh. Staring back at me is a reflection that has me disgusted and feeling like I am a worthless excuse for a human being. I have always been self conscious and have constantly doubted myself, but staring at my reflection right now proves just how ugly I really am. My eyes are blood shot from not sleeping last night and my naturally light skin tone is horribly more pale than normal. My hair is sticking up in all directions and after countless minutes of trying to fix it, it’s still unruly. I look and feel like shit and I know it; even my clothes are wrinkled past the point of ironing. Nothing seems to be going my way, but then again, do they ever?

My father has once again left an ugly bruise upon my cheek that I can't hide. Even slightly touching it sends a stinging pain through the right side of my face. I wish he would stick to leaving bruises in hidden areas because I am running out of excuses; at least new ones that no one has heard a thousand times. My leg is also killing me because my pants keep rubbing against the cigarette burns. I have no way to relieve the pain so I have to deal with it. Of course, my back doesn't feel any better either. I am just a mess… as usual.

Exiting the bathroom, I slowly make my way downstairs after grabbing my backpack from my room. Slowly, I walk up to my father, who is sitting at the kitchen table, and timidly ask if I can have something for breakfast. I watch as a sneer forms on his face and he nods his head. He stands up and walks over to the counter; his back turned to me so I can't see what he is preparing. Deep inside I get the feeling that I won't like what he has for me. Turning back to me, he places a bowl on the table and I cringe in disgust at its contents. My father just recently bought a puppy because Jason wanted one, and now he is trying to feed me the puppy food. He better think twice if he thinks I am going to eat dog food for breakfast, I’d rather take a beating anytime than to eat dog food.

Right away I am painfully aware of the fact that I will not be receiving any breakfast.

“Eat up boy,” my father laughs cruelly.

My stomach lurches at the smell coming from the ‘stew’ like contents and so I place the bowl on the floor for the dog.

After the puppy rushes in to eat its breakfast, I turn to father and ask if I can leave for school. He grunts in response and I silently leave the house. Once I am a good two blocks away I let out a sigh of relief; glad to be away from that house and my father.

 

~*~

 

When I reach the school grounds I notice that there are only a few students, indicating that I am early for once. Not having much to do, I walk to the nearest bench and sit down. To pass the time I open my binder and begin doodling on one of the papers. Like in a trance I begin to draw, pencil moving ferociously over the paper.

Once I am finished with the picture, I stare and shudder in shock at the disturbing image in front of me. A cut up wrist that has blood dripping from it, a bloody knife is sketched right next to it. Beneath the wrist lies a pool of blood and on the wrist the cuts spell out the word death. I don't know why on earth I would draw something like this and, to be honest, I even find it to be disturbing.

Not wanting anyone to see it, I quickly close my binder and prepare to put it in my backpack, but before I even get the chance a hand roughly tosses it onto the ground. Timidly, I raise my gaze and let out a sigh when I see Tim standing there with three of his friends. For the past two months he hasn't come near me and I had figured that he decided I wasn't worth his time. Unfortunately, like any other situation, I guess I was wrong.

"What? You thought you and your friends would get away with what you did the last time we met?" Tim sneers with an angry glare on his face.

I stare at him in confusion trying to remember what he’s talking about. Coming up blank I ask him, "What are you talking about?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what your friends did," he says and steps closer to me.

"Tim, I honestly have no idea what this is about." I reply in frustration. The last thing I want to do is deal with his attitude.

"Okay, well then, let me refresh your memory," he says, more pissed off then I have ever seen him.

"Two months ago your friends, Chad and Tom, thought it would be fun to kick my ass. I don't take that kind of thing too lightly and I don't appreciate being humiliated in front of my friends," he says getting right up into my face.

I am honestly shocked by what he is telling me; Chad and Tom beat him up? That must be why I hadn’t seen him around in the last little while. Sure, I am grateful to them for sticking up for me, but didn't they realize their actions would bring me more pain? Now I have to deal with a very pissed off Tim; I am taking the brunt of their actions. Despite all of this though, I won't yell at them for what they did. A large part of me is glad they did it. I know they were only doing to on my behalf.

Before I realize what is happening, Tim pushes me off the bench and drags me behind the school where there are no other students or teachers to see what is going to happen. I land on the ground and wince out in pain when my back roughly collides with the dirt and Tim stares down at me in shock.

"I didn't even push you that hard, what the fuck is wrong with you… you fucking wimp," he scoffs.

His friends seem to ignore this as they take turns holding me down and punching my already abused body. Every time they hit a sensitive area I shriek out in pain, but other than that I hold everything else inside.

“You guys go keep look out, I have some unfinished business to take care of,” Tim says coming to take his turn sitting on top of my chest.

Tim’s friends round the corner to keep a look out for any students or teachers. I lay on the ground with Tim looming over me… alone and the look in his eyes tells me he doesn’t want to just ‘talk’.

I try and buck him off my chest, but with my back digging into the ground and his weight over my chest it’s useless… I am no match. I grunt with the added weight, the gashes on my back being pulled open and I can feel the seep of blood through my shirt.

“Now you can’t call your friends to help you,” Tim’s voice drips with venom. “I’m going to finish what I started at Chad’s party,” he says as his hand reaches back and unzips my jeans.

“Tim please… don’t… stop,” I say, hysteria starting to overwhelm me as I thrash on the ground beneath him.

“I knew you wanted it Jensen… and don’t worry I won’t stop this time,” he says, hand finding its way inside my boxers and grabbing me firmly. He leans over me and licks up my neck as his hand is stroking me. I close my eyes, embarrassed at my hardening cock, as I feel his thumb slide over my head, feeling the slickness as he smears the pre cum around my sensitive tip. I don’t say a word, knowing that anything I say would be futile, but a small moan escapes my lips as he strokes upwards and twists his wrist when he reaches the top. I can feel the spill of tears down my cheeks as he leans in and whispers “I know you like it Jensen, fuck I can feel how hard you are for it.”

His hand speeds up and I can’t help but feel this ‘knot’ in the bottom of my stomach and with each twisting stroke I can feel my release getting closer and pray to God he’ll stop before I climax.

“Tim… please stop. I don’t want… don’t make me…” I start to say; voice sounding broken even to me, but it was too late. After a few more glides of Tim’s hand up and down my length, varying speed and tightness, I turn my head and clench my eyes tight as I spill into his hand. The tears start to come more easily as my body shakes with the aftershocks of my orgasm.

“God… you are so hot Jensen, want to feel those cock sucking lips wrapped around me,” he says as he ignores my tears and pulls himself out of his pants.

He is fully hard as his hand comes to my face and squeezes my cheeks, forcing me to open my split bloody mouth. I cry out in pain as he shoves himself down my throat. I can hear him grunting as I choke back the acid that is burning my throat. I gag each time I feel his head hit the back of my throat. It only takes a few more strokes until Tim is spilling into my mouth. When he’s done he lets his softening cock slip from between my cum slick swollen lips. I turn my head letting the putrid liquid dribble out of my mouth. He tucks himself in, letting up on my chest for the first time in what feels like hours. I take this chance to push him to the side just in time to throw up; dry heaving till my stomach is emptied out of anything in it for the last week. As I lay on my side I hear Tim gasp.

“What the hell happened to your back…? Your shirt is covered in blood Jen… I didn’t do that,” he says in a loud voice scrambling to his feet.

I don’t have to feel my back to know that the wounds opened up, now my shirt was soaked.

“You mention this to anyone Ackles… I swear you will wish that you were never born, because next time it will be your pretty ass that gets it,” he spits and takes off around the corner.

When everything is finished I stand and try and make myself look presentable, putting on the hoodie that was shoved inside my back pack. I can sense blood from my mouth dripping down my chin, and left over cum dripping from inside my boxers. I feel so ashamed, how could I have let Tim do that to me, I was strong enough to fight him off once, why couldn’t I do it today. At that moment my back starts to spasm and I fall forward onto my knees, the pain radiating from what feels like my feet to the top of my head. As I kneel and let the pain subside, I can feel cuts and bruises in other areas of my body where Tim’s friends used me as a punching bag. I get up once again and stumble to the side of the school, grasping onto the wall for support. My back is hurting me more than ever, and my throat is raw and sore. I can see Tim and his friends walking back to the front of the school and I catch Tim looking back towards me. The look of sympathy in his eyes catches me off guard. I wonder if he is ever going to leave me alone. I wipe the back of my hand against my mouth, still tasting Tim on my tongue, my stomach clenches and I bend over willing the pain to subside.

I jump when a hand is thrust in my face and I look up to see Sandy standing over me. Slowly, I take a hold of her hand for support as I stand up.

“What the hell happened here Jensen,” she gasps, seeing the cuts and bruises all over my face.

“It’s fine Sandy… really, just a misunderstanding,” I say trying not to look up at Tim. His threat still fresh in my mind, and I have no doubt that he would collect on it either.

“Jensen you need to get to the nurse…,” she starts to say.

“NO!” I say louder than expected. “I said I’m fine okay; just… just help me to the bench over there,” I say and put my arm around her shoulder for some support.

Once we reach the bench, she hands me my binder that must have dropped out of my back pack. As she sits across from me at the table I finally take notice of her reddened eyes. She looks away when she realizes I am staring at her, and right away I know something is wrong.

"Is everything alright Sandy?" I ask softly, memory of mine and Jared’s conversation replaying in my head.

"Is it that obvious?" She asks with a half-hearted laugh. I simply wait for her to continue. "Jared finally opened up to me and, well... I can't say I'm happy with the outcome. I mean, I had suspicions, but it hurts to hear the words come out of his mouth yah know. I'm sure you can already guess that he broke up with me. It was bound to happen, though, I guess."

"I... I'm really sorry Sandy; I don't know what to say that would make you feel better."

"Don't even worry about it. I just hope you and I can stay friends through all of this."

"Uh, yeah, I'm sure there is no need to worry about that." I say, feeling rather uncomfortable. I am still getting used to the fact that she considers us to be friends.

I don't see why she and I can't be friends, though. I mean, it wouldn't hurt anything. She really is a nice person, and being friends with her could be possible. It seems weird being friends with someone I used to be jealous of, but I guess weirder things have happened.

She makes a quick exit when Jared walks over with Tom and Mike. They sit down across from me, while Jared sits right next to me.

“What the hell happened to you,” says Mike.

Jared turns to look at me for the first time and immediately his hands are on my face. Thumbs wiping the blood dripping from my cut lip.

“What the fuck happened,” Jared says, anger painting his face red.

Before I can even say a word he has me by the front of my hoodie and is pulling me towards the school. “You guys wait here for the rest of the gang, I’m going to help Jensen get cleaned up,” Jared says over his shoulder.

We walk into the boy’s bathroom and right away Jared pushes me against the sink. “Don’t lie to me Jen… I know this was Tim wasn’t it? Tom told me what he and Chad did and now he’s come after you,” he says getting some paper towel and wetting it.

Tim’s words play over in my head, but looking into Jared’s eyes I just couldn’t lie to him. I flinch when the cool paper touches my split lip.

“Fucker!” Jared mumbles under his breath.

“It's nothing; don't even worry about it," I say around the wet paper.

"Don’t tell me it’s ' _nothing'_ Jensen. Have you seen your face,” Jared asks, turning my face to the mirror.

I’m shocked by what I see. My lip is split pretty bad and there are bruises and scrapes forming on my face. I am kind of happy that you can’t tell where my father started and Tim and his friends ended. The longer I stand and stare at the mess my face is in, I notice how swollen and red my lips are, faint finger shaped bruises on my cheeks. An image of Tim forcing himself down my throat invades me and overpowers my every sense. Clutching my stomach I make it to the garbage can, dry heaving till my stomach feels like it’s turning inside out. I can feel a soft hand on my back and try my hardest not to flinch away from it. The last thing I need is for Jared to find all the welts on my back.

"I'm going to kill him," Jared hisses out.

I look up and see a determined gleam in his eyes.

Instantly I grab a hold of his wrist and he looks down into my eyes in surprise; caught completely off guard.

"Jared, please don't do anything. It's not worth it. Please, just let it go. It's not going to help anything," I say wiping the back of my hand over my mouth. I can still feel him, hands all over me, dick inside my mouth, him heavy on my chest. My eyes well up with tears and I turn away from Jared. How could he look at me, stand to be near me after what I did.

A sound that I never even knew I could make escapes past my lips as I slink down to the floor, bringing my knees to my chest. Heavy sobs wrack my body and I can’t seem to stop shaking. Jared comes to me and sits down on the floor, draping his long arm around my shoulder.

“Jen… Jen its okay. I’m here now,” Jared says pulling me to him. “He’s never going to come near you again… I promise you that.”

“Jay… please don’t. Just leave it. Promise me you’ll leave it alone this time. He said he’d…,” I say into the side of his shoulder, the thought of Tim actually raping me sending shivers down my back.

“He said he’d what Jen?” Jared asks pulling away slightly to look at me in my eyes.

“He said he’d… nothing. Nothing Jared just leave it alone,” I say burying my face in my hands.

“Jensen tell me. What did he do to you? You told me at Chad’s party he…,” Jared stops and I can hear him suck in a deep breath.

“Just fucking leave it alone Jared!” I yell finally, anger starting to well up inside me.

“Jensen,” Jared says softly. “Tell me what he did to you. Either you tell me or I’ll go find him right now and beat the shit out of him until HE tells me what happened,” he says color draining from his face.

“Jared please… please don’t make me tell you,” I say, more tears forming in my eyes.

“Jensen… nothing you can tell me will make me feel any different about you. You are my best friend… I…” he says running his hands through his hair.

We sit like that for what seemed like hours, Jared whispering soft reassurances in my ear and his hand on my thigh rubbing small soothing circles.

The warning bell sounds loud in the empty bathroom, startling both of us. I jerk up and jump to my feet. Jared just looks up at me, eyes dark and slightly red.

“Jen… this isn’t over. I want you to tell me what Tim did to you. You know you can trust me, you asked me not to say or touch him and I won’t. It’s gonna kill me, but I won’t do anything to him, you can trust me,” he says slowly standing up and brushing the back of his pants off.

“Thanks Jared, I do trust you,” I say splashing cold water on my face. “You have any gum?” I ask hating the taste of ‘Tim’ in my mouth.

Jared fishes around in his back pack and comes up with a stick of gum. I go to take it from him and notice my hand is shaking slightly. He grabs it and squeezes gently. I look from his hand holding mine up to his face, hazel eyes shining in the dim light.

“I’ll be right here when you want to talk,” he says and lets my hand go.

We quickly gather our things and slowly make our way out of the bathroom; neither of us too excited about going to class. I can't help myself but steal glances at Jared as we walk down the hall. He looks so adorable today. I just want to reach over and take his hand in mine. He was so nice just now, so caring. I wonder if he can tell how much I like him, and how much my feelings have changed for him from friends to want-to-be lovers?

It is getting harder and harder to keep my feelings to myself, especially after an episode like we just had; him being so close to me, comforting me. I wanted so badly to tell him everything that happened with Tim, to just curl up in his lap and cry till I had no more tears to cry. There is no way Jared will still think the same of me. When he finds out what Tim did… what I did without fighting. I shake my head and try not to think of that, as my stomach gives a tiny jump at the thought.

I look at him once more and wonder what he would do if I told him that I love him. How would he react to my words? I find it hard to believe, or even hope, that he could possibly feel the same, I can’t help but always expect the worst.

I am so confused; I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him as my best friend, and I don't want my heart broken, but I don't know how much longer I can pretend that I don't love him. I want him to know how I truly feel, but these feelings could ruin everything we have. Sometimes I hate these feelings that are deeply embedded in my heart, but I also know that I couldn't live without them.

_God, why does everything in life have to be so damn complicated?_ I think to myself as we enter our homeroom. Jared smiles at me once we sit down and once again I feel that familiar warmth spread throughout my heart. _Damn, I love him so much. Why can't I just find the courage to tell him?_

~*~

  
Once again I have received a beating for not paying attention while doing my chores. My mind has been pre-occupied all day with thoughts of Jared… and Tim. The need to tell him my true feelings is just getting stronger and stronger; the inner struggle I am facing is wearing me out. I’m glad that he never mentioned about this morning either, by the end of the day my stomach was finally beginning to settle down. The slap to my face brings me back to my current situation, my lack of “attention” to detail. My father didn't appreciate how the house looked and now I have a bruised jaw, a cut on my eyebrow, and my split lip has reopened. Thankfully I have finished all of my chores, though, and even cooked dinner. My father even broke down and let me have what little there was left over. Now I am in my room, sitting on my window sill, with my mind consumed with indecisive thoughts of Jared.

I jump when I look behind me only to see Jason standing there. He smiles slightly.

"I knocked but you didn't answer, so I figured I would let myself in," he says and comes to stand next to me.

Slowly, I nod my head and blush in embarrassment. Like stated before, I have been out of it all day and this just proves it. It is kind of sad when you don't hear a knock on the door because your mind is so over-run with thoughts.

I watch as Jason leans against the window frame and looks out upon the quiet neighborhood. He then turns his gaze on to me and asks what I have on my mind. I tear my eyes away from his and let out a sigh as I stare out my window. He doesn't even know I am gay, so how could I possibly tell him about what I have on my mind? I mean, what would he say?

"I know I am only ten, but I will be eleven soon and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything." He says as he looks away; a shy smile on his face. "Just give me a chance Jensen; you obviously need someone to talk to. Whatever it is that's bothering you, it's okay to tell me, I will help you the best I can. You are my brother, and I want to help you. I am always here if you need an ear to listen to your problems or..."

"Okay Jason, I get the point." I interrupt him, laughing slightly. "Something is bothering me, but it's complicated. There is something you don't know about me and I don't want you to hate me for it," I say, really wondering if I should be telling my ten year old brother that I am ‘gay’.

"I could never hate you." Jason replies firmly; sincerely. "Whatever it is, you can tell me because I won't judge you," he says sitting on my cot.

"Well... okay." I say taking a deep breath. Jason is mature for his age, even more mature than Chad. I slightly laugh to myself comparing Chad to a ten year old. I find this very hard to say but push on, knowing I have to tell someone or I’m going to burst. "Well... I... Jason, I'm... I'm gay," I say quickly almost stuttering out the last word.

His eyes widen when I say this and at first I take this as a bad sign. He quickly reassures me, "You shouldn't have been afraid to tell me that. Sure, it's a shock, but I have no problems with you being gay. Is there someone you like?" he says nudging me with his shoulder.

"Well, yeah, but unfortunately it's my best friend. There is no way he would like me," I say lying back on the cot.

"You never know until you're honest with him. I know him being your best friend makes it hard but eventually you're gonna have to tell him because you can't keep it in forever. It's not just gonna go away." He says, obviously much thought put into this.

"I know, but I can't risk losing him."

"If you lose him over something like this then he wasn't a very good friend in the first place. Besides, you never know what the outcome will be until you take that risk. Mom always told me that if you want something bad enough you can't wait for it to come your way because you may be waiting in vain. You have to use a little effort to achieve your goals in life. I believe every word she said, and in this case I think it applies to you. She also said that anything that means a lot to you is worth fighting for, but you may never get it if you don't fight for it. So Jen, if your best friend means that much to you, you're gonna have to make that move."

"Are you sure you're only ten?" I ask with a laugh, and in turn he laughs as well. "How did you get so smart at your age?"

“I have a very smart older brother… and mom,” he says the last part in a whisper and leaves the room. I can't help but think about what he said. For being ten, he had a good point. I should go tell Jared that I love him. It has been eating me alive, and I don't know how much longer I can hold it inside. If I want to be with him then I have to make the first move, I won't know where it will lead me until I do.

Feeling determined, I decide that I better tell him now before I lose the nerve. Silently, I exit my bedroom and slowly make my way downstairs. I make sure I have my house key, which is in my pocket, before leaving the house. I know that what I am doing is very risky, but I don't let that knowledge prevent me from doing what I should have done a while ago.

~*~

Jared doesn't live that far from me; soon I am standing at his front door. A storm has rolled in and has left me soaking wet, but I barely acknowledge that fact. All I am focused on is telling Jared how I feel about him. Now that I am standing at his front door, though, my nerves have kicked in. With a shaking hand, I reach out and knock on the door; having mixed feelings about this whole idea. Part of me is hoping he didn't hear my knock, while the other part of me hopes he did because I really do want to get this out in the open.

After a moment I decide that he is probably asleep since it is pretty late, I shouldn't even be here. Quickly, I turn around and begin walking away. I stop dead in my tracks, though, and my heart jumps into my throat when I hear Jared's voice from behind me.

“Jensen?” he says, shock in his voice.

Slowly, I turn around and stare at a confused Jared. He smiles after a moment and opens his door wider; inviting me in. He shuts the door as soon as I am inside and leads me into the living room.

"You're lucky I even heard your knock, it was so light."

"Yeah, sorry about that,” I reply, blushing slightly.

"So, why are you here?" He asks softly.

"Well, you see... Jared... there's something I have been wanting to tell you for quite some time now."

"What is it Jen?" He asks, and I can see the curiosity on his face.

"Well, I don't really know how to say this... and it's... it's kinda scary. Um, can I have something to drink?" I ask, simply trying to stall for time.

He asks me what I want and I tell him to get me anything he has. He leaves the room and I let out a nervous sigh. Damn, this is the hardest thing I have ever had to say. I just can't seem to get the words out. I want to tell him so badly but nerves are holding me back. I mean, how will he react when I tell him? I guess there is only one way to find out, but I wish this could be easier.

Jared returns to the room moments later with a coke in his hand and I look at him hesitantly. As I stare at him, I think back on what Jason said. It was good advice he gave me and I shouldn't let it go to waste.

“Jen is this about Tim?” He asks. “I want you to know that you can tell me anything, I would never judge you.”

"Jared, I like someone." I say suddenly, and it catches his attention.

"What?" he asks shocked. “You… you like someone? Who is it,” he asks taken aback by my comment.

"That's just it. I probably shouldn't like this person because he is a good friend of mine, but I can't help it. When he is around me he somehow manages to make even the darkest days a little brighter. As corny as that sounds, it's true. He always makes me feel so special, and I would do anything for him."

"Whoa, I never knew you were gay!" He blurts out and then blushes in embarrassment. "Okay, sorry, um... who is this person you like so much?"

"I... well, you see..." I trail off; mouth suddenly gone dry. I clear my throat and prepare to try again. _It's now or never_ , I think so myself as I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my nerves. "I... I can't help it, but I know I wouldn't want to be attracted to anyone else. Jared, it's you... you're the one I like so much."

As soon as the words are out it feels as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Jared is looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face, though.

"Jared, would you please say something?" I plead, with a matching expression on my face.

He opens his mouth but then closes it again. He never takes his eyes off me, but doesn't utter a single word either. When I can no longer handle the silence or tension, I utter an almost silent, "sorry", and quickly run out of the house. Tears are stinging my eyes but I am too stubborn to allow them to fall. I feel so terrible for telling him now. How could I have been so stupid? I may have just ruined everything and I have no one to blame but myself. I mean, seriously, what was I thinking? I knew there was no way he could feel the same about me, so why did I risk it? I should have never come to his house.

I can hear Jared yelling for me to come back but I just keep running. I am just too damn hurt and embarrassed to face him right now. I want to just hide out in my room and pretend that I never told him about how I really feel. The pain wouldn't disappear, but I could possibly save what friendship we have left if I just never brought this night up again.

I just feel so lost right now. Did I just make the biggest mistake of my life? Jared means the world to me, and I may have ruined all we have by voicing my true feelings toward him. I have to deal with wherever this may lead us, but I just hope I didn't lose him.


	19. An Unwanted Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a rough and extremely graphic chapter, some might not even want to read it, so don't say I didn't warn you.

I am startled when I hear a voice yelling my name; I slow down and realize that it is Jared. My heart beats a little faster; I didn't realize he was still following me. So many things are going through my head at the moment, what could he possibly want? I stop running, bend over and try to catch my breath. I am actually afraid of what he is going to say to me when he catches up. Does he hate me now, or is he trying to save our friendship? Part of me is still wishing that he loved me in return, but I know it is stupid to wish for such a thing.

I feel bad that he has been chasing after me, the rain is pouring down and he could get sick if he stays out here any longer. I am already soaked and cold, so I am sure he is in the same condition. The thought of him catching pneumonia or something because of me makes me feel guilty.

I jump when I feel his hand on my arm and let out a scream when I begin to fall; landing on my back. Thankfully I landed on someone's lawn; the concrete would have knocked the wind out of me and been a killer on my already torn apart back. I look up at Jared, who is on top of me, with wide eyes and he blushes in embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry Jen; I didn't mean to hurt you. I lost my balance when I though you were going to start to run again. Are you okay?" he asks out of breath.

I clear my throat and smile somewhat shyly. "Yeah I'm fine, sorry I didn’t stop running; I never heard you at first and... I’m embarrassed," I say lowering my head.

"Look, Jensen, I was just shocked when you told me, I couldn't seem to find the right words to say. I just didn't know how to respond because I never expected you to tell me something like that. I actually thought you were going to tell me what happened with you and Tim today, so I was just stunned. Don't take my reaction the wrong way, though. Do you remember when I told you that I liked someone other than Sandy?" he says running his shaking hands through his wet hair.

I stare up at him in a mixture of curiosity and anticipation; having an idea of where this conversation is heading. "Well, yeah, of course I do."

"I... I was talking about _you_ Jensen," he says bashfully.

I can't help but stare up at him in disbelief. _Is this really happening?_ I silently question myself. I never really thought this would ever be a possibility, I always thought it was just a stupid dream.

"Deep down I... I think I have felt these strong feelings for you for a long time, I just didn't know how to deal with it,” he says slowly letting out a breath before continuing. “Since you are my best friend... I didn't think it would go anywhere. You mean so much more to me than just a friend, though. You found a way into my heart and held on with a tight grip. I care so much for you Jen, I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to tell you sooner," he says and takes a step back.

I feel like I should pinch myself, did he just say that he’s felt like this for a long time? He’s had the same feelings for me as I have for him... and we were both afraid to tell each other. I take a deep breath, a smile crossing my face.

"Look how long it took me to tell you. I was afraid of the same thing you were." I say, my heart feeling so happy at the fact that he likes me in return. "You are my best friend Jay and I was afraid I would lose you if I told you how I really felt."

Slowly, he helps me stand up and we begin to walk down the street in the rain; we head back in the direction of his house. Stopping just outside his place though, I feel his hand grab my wrist and turn me to face him. He has this adorable smile on his face and I watch as rain drops slide down his eyes and cheeks. He slowly raises his hand to cup the left side of my face and he slowly leans in. I can smell cinnamon on his breath and instinctively my eyes flutter closed and wait for what feels like an eternity. Finally I feel his soft warm lips on mine, breath ghosting over my face. A tiny gasp escapes my lips; as I feel my face heat up and a warm feeling descends on my whole body. I have waited forever to feel his lips against mine and now that it is happening, it seems so surreal.

Almost cautiously he begins kissing me; kitten kisses at first as if he’s afraid of hurting me or going too fast. My lips still hurt from the beating I took at school, but Jared’s feel so soft and warm against mine that I can’t help but open my mouth wider, inviting him in. I feel him deepen the kiss, body moving closer to mine and I can't help but grab onto his upper arms and pull him closer still. Jared’s tongue searches out mine with uncertainty and when I feel it slick and hot against mine I can feel myself get hard, rocking my body forward for that extra contact. I start to shiver every time he groans into my mouth, every once in a while saying, “God I want you... so gorgeous Jen.”

My knees feel weak and it’s a good thing Jared has his arms around my waist, or I think I might actually fall down. The feeling of his tongue pressing against mine, mapping out my mouth with his is amazing. I never knew kissing could be so pleasurable. I feel his hand roaming down my side and I pray that he doesn't touch my back. My eyes widen and I am surprised however, when his hand moves down to my ass and presses his hardness against mine. I pull away shyly.

"Getting a little ‘fresh’, aren't we?" I ask with a smirk on my face.  
  
"Yeah sorry ‘bout that.” He says, chuckling softly. "I'll try to control myself, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while...and," he stops and stares right into my eyes, as if he’s seeing me for the very first time.

As I am staring at him, I see him from the corner of my eye, gently raise his hand and take his thumb and rub it over my wet swollen lips. He leans in once again and kisses me till I can’t breathe.

I don't want to leave him and I guess he can sense this because he pulls me into his arms, I can feel him so hard pressed against me. Wrapping my arms tightly around his waist, I lay my head against his shoulder, breathing him in deeply, the smell intoxicating. I feel him place a tender kiss on my head as he slowly grinds his hips up into mine, causing me to groan deep into the side of his face “God Jared”.

Raising my head off his shoulder, I stare at his beautiful face for a moment before placing my lips upon his. He runs his tongue along my bottom lip. Of course, I give him entrance right away and once again allow him to explore my mouth; each sweep of his tongue has him rocking harder and faster against me.

I can’t help my body; its reaction to Jared’s attention has me so hot and wild. I feel my release start at the bottom of my stomach and I know if I don’t stop this I’m going to end up cuming like a pre-teen in my already wet jeans.

“Jay... please you gotta stop this,” I pant out in his mouth as he continues to grind against me. “I... I’m not going to last,” I say embarrassed and trying to pull away from him.

“God Jen, just have to be near you. Wanted this for so long,” he says and runs his hand down the front of my jeans.

“Don’t!” I say and back away from him, the memory of Tim earlier flooding back to me.

“Jen...I”m sorry I didn’t mean,” he starts to say.

“It’s... I have never done this before, Jared. I mean I have not even kissed anyone, just don’t want to embarrass myself is all,” I say lowering my head and hating myself for lying to him. Well it wasn’t all a lie, I had never kissed anyone like Jared and I just did and I’m pretty sure I would have been uncomfortable if we didn’t stop and I had to walk home with more than just rain soaked jeans.

He pulls away moments later. “I should probably get going back inside,” he says.

“Yeah... it’s getting late,” I say, but not moving to leave.

One last time we embrace each other, lips locking and moving slick against each other. He grabs the back of my neck, pushing our foreheads together before he sighs “night Jen” and disappears into his house. After a moment of just staring at his closed front door I begin walking in the direction of my house. It feels as though I am walking in a dream, the fact that Jared likes me hasn’t sunken in yet. This all seems too unreal to me.

  
~*~   


  
For the first time since I can remember I can't keep a smile off my face. Jared and our encounter repeating in my memory, it leaves warmth in my heart. The thought of seeing Jared today leaves butterflies fluttering around in my stomach and a longing in my chest.

Surprisingly enough, when I got home last night my father wasn't even waiting in the living room like I was half expecting him to be. He had no idea that I was gone last night and, if I have anything to do about it, he never will. He doesn't seem to be in such a good mood this morning but this doesn't darken my spirits. In a way, I have come to expect this kind of mood from him, even in the early mornings. He never seems to be in a good mood anymore. In fact, it is hard for me to remember a time when he wasn't in a bad mood.

I jump slightly when he drops a plate down in front of me that has a piece of toast on it. Quietly I thank him for my breakfast and he grunts in response before walking away from me. Silently, I eat my piece of toast and then stand up from the table. Slowly, I walk into the living room where my father is finishing off his coffee before he heads off to work. I ask him if I can leave for school and he glares at me like I am interrupting something important. He tells me to get the hell out of his face and I take that as permission to leave.

Walking up to my room, I grab my backpack and then quickly leave the house.

  
~*~   


  
As soon as I arrive at school I spot Jared standing by the entrance with Tom. Slowly, I make my way toward my friends and stop a few feet in front of them. A smile forms on Jared's face when he notices me and I can't help the blush that colors my cheeks. I look away from his intense gaze.

“Hey Tom,” I say trying to look anywhere but at Jared because I’m afraid if I do I’ll end up grabbing him and kissing the smile right off his face in front of everyone.

“What’s up with you two,” Tom says looking suspiciously between Jared and me.

I can’t help but blush even deeper as I glance at Jared and he is smiling at me. His intense stare leaves me feeling so hot, I move my backpack in front of myself and palm my growing ‘enthusiasm’. Tom notices this and his eyes quickly light up. He gestures towards us, pointing from Jared to me. Jared laughs slightly and nods his head in confirmation as he takes my hand in his. I hear a whistle from behind us only to find Chad standing there with a huge smile on his face.

"It's about time you guys got together," Chad says and slaps us both on the shoulder. I just roll my eyes, but with a smile on my face.

All of a sudden a shiver runs down my spine and I feel very uncomfortable. I sense someone staring at me from somewhere, so I look around the campus; trying to locate this ‘mystery’ person. It could just be me being paranoid, but that thought quickly disintegrates from my mind as my blood runs cold when I lock eyes with Tim. I feel all the color drain from my face and sway the slightest bit into Jared. I feel myself quiver from the intensity. Jared looks at me in confusion but frowns when he sees who I am looking at. He pulls me into the school and I am thankful not to be under Tim's icy glare any longer. He obviously saw Jared and I holding hands and is very pissed off, just the thought troubles me.

Jared leads me to a deserted hallway by the gym and hugs me reassuringly. “Jen, I won’t let anything happen to you,” he says into the side of my face as he strokes my hair and turns my face up to meet his. His eyes are dark and I can tell that he is mad, not at me, but at Tim. He leans down and captures my lips with his, tongue searching for permission to enter. I open slightly and shudder when our tongues meet once more. The lingering flavour of mint toothpaste on his tongue has me moaning softly and leaning in towards him, all thoughts of Tim fly from my mind. Out of the corner of my eye I can see Chad smiling at us. I simply smile back and then pull out of the embrace. Taking Jared's hand in mine, I lead him back in the direction of our home room. Once there we sit down at our usual table. Mike walks in moments later and looks at us in confusion when he sees the wide smiles upon our faces. I quickly fill him in and, thankfully, we get the same reaction from him as Tom and Chad, he couldn't be happier for us.

I smile at Jared one last time before the teacher enters the room. Taking my binder out of my back pack, I place it on the table. I forgot to put my back pack in my locker so I will have to do that before my next class.

I can't keep the smile off my face, though. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. My wildest dream has come true and I still find it difficult to believe that this is real. Jared feels the same, though, and I can now call him my boyfriend. It sounds too good to be true, but we are actually together.

"Oh my God, Jensen, did you draw that?" Jared whispers to me, staring at the doodle I drew yesterday.

"Uh... yeah, I did. I know it's disturbing, I don't know why I drew it. I keep forgetting to throw it away." I say as I look down at my hands in shame, I never wanted him to see it.

"I'm... I’m just stunned is all. It’s so violent,” he says with a worried expression on his face.

“That doesn’t have anything to do with Tim and what happened yesterday does it?” he asks sitting up straighter. “I know I told you I wouldn’t touch or say anything to him, but... if he did anything to you Jen...” he turns and looks out the window.

How do I tell him what happened yesterday, and not just about Tim, but about my father as well? How can I tell him that I am weak and that I let Tim... I don’t even want to think about it. My stomach clenches and I feel instantly ill. My past is so dark and I’m sure that once Jared knows the truth about me he won’t look at me the way he is right now. The truth is I have thought a lot about suicide, every day seemed to be getting worse and worse for me. My drawing was just an outlet for my dark feelings and really it was totally unconscious, I mean I didn’t even know what I was drawing until I lifted my pencil.

I shake myself and clear those negative thoughts out of my head. I finally have everything I have ever wanted; I’m not going to let what happened in my past ruin it for me.

I quickly tell him that he has nothing to worry about, but he still appears to be a little shaken. He doesn't utter a single word on the subject, just goes back to reading.

 

~*~

  
Before I meet up with Jared and the rest of the guys I head into the bathroom. I have had to go for the past hour and holding it in even one more minute would have killed me. Once I am done I feel much better and am more than ready to see Jared. Quickly, I wash my hands and am about to leave when I turn the corner and Tim walks through the door. A glare forms on his face as soon as he sees me and before I know it he has me pushed backwards and cramped inside a stall with him.

"So, I see you're with Jared now,” he sneers. “I can't say I'm too happy about that Jensen,” he says, blocking the door so I can't get out.

"You should be with me I would treat you right, I mean just look at yesterday. You liked it Jensen, you proved that to both of us," he says with a bitter laugh. “Your mouth was made for sucking cock, I mean fuck, it only took a few long glides of my cock in your mouth to have me squirting down your throat like a porn star,” he groans and palms his hardening cock at just the memory.

"What you did to me yesterday is your way of ‘treating me right’ Tim? You're ashamed to be seen with me; you have to pretend you are this big tough macho guy. You practically raped me, Tim," I say half yelling and pushing him backwards into the door.

I yelp in surprise when he pins me against the wall beside the toilet and presses his body against mine. I stare at him with fear in my eyes, his breath so close to my face, he’s breathing hard and grinding himself against me. ‘Not again’ is playing out in my mind as he leans in and whispers close to my ear, “Have you told Jared about us... have you told Jared about your dad.” A strangled noise escapes my lips, how could he possibly know about my father.

“You think I’m dumb... you think I don’t know what’s been going on with you Jensen. I know your dad hits you, I mean the blood on your back yesterday, where did all those marks come from?” he asks looking at me, waiting for the excuses I always come up with. “I know you more than you think Jensen. I bet _daddy_ has even touched you like this,” he says as he places his hand on my stomach, thumb catching up under my t-shirt and feeling warm skin. “I bet he has, the way you just ‘submit’ without even a fight,” he cackles as his hand makes its way down to the front of my pants. A whimper passes through my lips as I start to sway on my feet. I feel Tim’s palm rubbing me through my jeans. This action all of a sudden, triggers a memory in me that I had long since blocked out...

 

_The chores for the day are finally done and mom has allowed me to go up to my room. I am feeling kind of tired after such an exhausting day and all I want is to go to bed. I had the worst day at school. Some kid kept making fun of me because of my clothes. I swear I hate my life so much at times. Kids torture me at school, I have too many chores to do at home, I get beaten by my father, and I never get any time to play, not that I have anything to play with, but that is the point. This is no way an eleven year old should have to live._

_I look timidly toward my bedroom door when I hear it slam against the wall, my father standing there with a glare fixed on his face. My mother runs up behind him and looks at me in concern. It feels good to know that at least she cares about me, she happens to be the only one. She softly asks if I am alright and my father swiftly turns to face her._

_"Go buy me another twenty-four pack of beer from the store." He tells her, a slur to his speech. "And get some KFC for dinner. Take Jason with you."_

_"But you still have some beer in the fridge," she stutters._

_"I didn't ask you to tell me how much beer I have, I told you to go buy me some more. Go!" He screams in her face and she jumps from the anger directed at her._

_With a sigh, she walks away and once again I am left alone with my drunken father. Once he hears the door slam downstairs he fully enters my room and locks the door behind him. With an evil smile he tells me that we are going to ‘play a little game’. I tense at his words and begin to back away from him. He inches closer to me and pushes me onto my bed, forcing me to lie down. My whole body tenses and a sudden fear consumes me._

_I whimper when he grabs at my jeans and rips open the button and zips the zipper down. He pulls my torn jeans down, leaving me to lie there in my underwear._

_“Daddy... please,” I start to say, but I am quickly silenced by a hard slap to the face._

_His rough calloused hand rubs me through my underwear as I start to feel him take a firm hold of my penis. Instinctively I try to move away from him. He laughs cruelly at my actions and pins me down on the cot as he mockingly asks, "What, you don't want to play with your dad? You are always bugging me to play with you, well you got what you wanted now didn’t you,” he says, eyes going dark._

_A louder whimper escapes me as he begins stroking me up and down. I start thrashing my body in panic, trying to get his unwanted hands off of me. He growls in anger and punches the side of my face with all his strength. I cry out in pain from the blow and a nauseous feeling overcomes me. He smiles in satisfaction and, to my relief, removes his hand from my most private area._

_I wince when he pulls me up by my hair and gasp when he removes my shirt from my body. Once my shirt is thrown into the corner of the room, he drops my body to the floor and proceeds to remove my pants completely. My heart is pounding in my chest and I swear I can hear the echo in my ears. This just can't be happening to me. In panic, I begin kicking my father with all my might and scream at the top of my lungs, trying everything I can to keep this from happening. I am not quite sure what is happening exactly, but I don't like it and want him to stop. He gets annoyed with my weak attempts at fighting back and simply punches me in the stomach; knocking the air out of me._

_A groan of pain escapes me when I am thrown onto my stomach and I freeze in fear when he tears my underwear off my body. I try to crawl away from him but feel helpless when he simply pulls me back. He keeps yelling at me, telling me to shut up every time I plead for him to stop._

_“Daddy please... I don’t like this game,” I cry out._

_“Shut up... just shut your damn mouth,” he screams at me and pulls my hair._

_His rough hands lift me up by my hips. I am on my knees with my head resting against the floor. I feel my father open me up, spreading me as wide as I can possibly go. Tears start to fall down my cheeks as I feel something smooth poking the entrance to my body. I start to hyperventilate when I realize what it is. Time seems to stand still as a burning sensation makes me gasp, my butt feeling as though it is on fire. A deafening scream rips through my throat. “Daddy... NO!”_

_It’s like he doesn’t hear me, doesn’t care that I can feel something wet and sticky run down between my thighs, that I feel like my body is being split into two._

_I hear a moan pass through my father's lips. I feel utterly sick to my stomach and more tears start to pour down my face like rain. He begins moving in and out of me, hard thrusts filling me till I can feel his balls against the back of me. His breath sour on my face as he keeps saying, “So tight....God so tight,” over and over again._

_Mentally I can sense something break within me, leaving me feeling lost and empty inside. My innocence is being taken, ripped away by my father, someone whom I am supposed to be able to trust and I am powerless to stop it. It hurts deep down inside to know what my father is doing, it goes far beyond the normal abuse he puts me through._

_All of a sudden he angles his hips a bit differently and hits something inside me that ‘tingles’. The more he hits that spot the tinglier it feels. I don’t understand what is happening, I can feel the sweat pour from my head and I cry out loud as I start to feel myself harden. I curse myself for my body’s reaction to this torture, why is this happening to me? My father is speeding up and becoming more rough, breath laboured, grunting and groaning over top of me._

_"No! Please stop... dad... stop... Oh God, please stop! It hurts! Dad, please... stop!" My ignored pleas fill the room and on the inside I silently pray to God to end my suffering._

 

A scream rips through my throat and I throw myself down onto the floor; petrified of the memory that just invaded my mind. I am sitting on the dirty floor, leaning against the wall with my knees pulled tightly against my chest; arms wrapped protectively around them. Tim is staring at me in shock.

"What the hell is your problem?” he shrieks and backs away from me.

I make no attempt to answer him. Someone must have heard my scream, though, because the next thing I know a voice can be heard from somewhere inside the bathroom, asking if everything is okay.

Tim lets out a curse and tries to calmly collect himself before opening the stall door. I take this as the perfect opportunity, so I push Tim out of the way and run out of the bathroom at full speed. Tears are streaming down my face, but that is the least of my worries at the moment. I pass Mike on my way out of the building, and there is a concerned expression on his face but I don't stop running when he asks me what is wrong. I just want to get away from everyone right now; I am feeling too fragile and have no desire to talk to anyone. I need to be alone so I can calm down and make some sense out of the memory that just ripped through my mind.

As I am running down the front steps Jared suddenly appears in front of me.

“Jensen? Oh my God Jensen, what the hell happened,” he asks grabbing onto me and pulling me into a hug.

I want so bad to push him away, but he’s too strong. Those arms are like a vice around me and he won’t let me go.

“Jared... please just let me go,” I plead with him.

“No... You aren’t running anymore Jensen. I won’t let you run away from me,” he says.

I can’t help the tears that escape my eyes and even though I am wrapped up in the one person that I love... I feel so lost and empty inside; just like I felt all those years ago.


	20. First Date?

Jared holds on to me and leads us around the side of the school. He’s murmuring something but the words are like echoes in my ears. I have a pounding headache and my stomach feels queasy.

“Just take it easy,” Jared says to me, pulling on my wrist making me sit beside him in the grass.

The back of the school is vacant, no one or anything around. I feel a clench in my stomach at the memory of what had happened just days before with Tim at this exact same spot, but quickly put the thought out of my head. I feel so bombarded with emotional overload the past few days.

I feel his strong arms pull me into a hug. He takes my head and lays it against his shoulder and strokes my hair.

“God, Jensen what happened to you,” he whispers into my ear. “I know there is a lot of stuff that you don’t or can’t tell me, but I want you to know that whenever you are ready I am here for you. I’ll wait as long as it takes, I’m not going anywhere,” he says and places a soft kiss on my forehead.

I have no words, the tears just slide down my cheeks and land on his shoulder. I close my eyes, willing my mind to clear of the ugliness that is my life. The more I try to forget the more I remember, the hands, touching, hurting, abusing. My body being used and broken, I turn my head into Jared’s shoulder and cry like I haven’t cried in a long time. Body shaking and wounded; my whimpers escape my tear slick lips. I feel like I can’t breathe, that I will never stop the flood of tears now that they have started.

“It’s okay babe... I got you,” he says pulling me tighter till I’m actually sitting in his lap like I was five years old.

I cling to him, never wanting to let go of the warmth and love that is radiating off of him. We sit there for most of the afternoon, him just holding me and me crying against him.

The fourth period bell rings, school is almost done and I shift in my seat, feeling sorry for Jared. He must be really uncomfortable; me laying on his crossed legs for what must have been two hours.

I can't believe I forced _that_ memory out of my mind. It was so horrific and haunting, but I remember learning something about disassociation and how kids or people do that when something traumatic happens to them. It hurts so badly, I thought I hated my father before, but now, hate isn’t even a strong enough word. I wish I could have kept this locked inside myself forever, never remembering the humiliation, the excruciating pain. How could my father do such a thing to me? I was only eleven years old! There is nothing he can't take away from me now because he took it all. My childhood, teenage years, dignity, respect, and my innocence... everything is gone.

“Hey,” Jared says leaning over and placing the softest kiss on my lips. “You gonna be okay? Can you... do you want to talk about it?” he offers.

“Jay I... I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to tell you, it’s just... I don’t know how,” I say pushing up into a sitting position.

“I understand. When you are ready,” he says looking at me with that beautiful face.

I die inside knowing I have nothing to offer him now. Everything I have has been taken away from me by my father... or Tim.

This new realization leaves a hole in my heart. I don't know if it can be filled, if I’ll ever feel whole again. I just don't see how I could have totally erased something like that from my memory. Well, I guess I blocked it out more than erased it. That is the point, though. I know it was a horrific experience and it is understandable to want to forget it, but I don't see how I _could_ forget something like that; something so terrible.

How can Jared not see what a disgrace I am? How could he possibly like a dirty, weak, used piece of trash like me? Trash that was raped by their _father_.

My body shudders violently once again at the thought of my own father using me that way. The memory keeps flashing before my eyes; haunting and tormenting me at the same time.

I look up into Jared’s eyes and see nothing but love and acceptance. I wish so bad I had the guts to tell him what was going on inside my head right now. Tell him how scared and sorry I am.

I know how much Jared loves me; I mean I never saw it before because I thought his love was for Sandy, but looking at him now I can see it plain as the nose on his face. His feelings for me are as strong as mine are for him and it kills me that I am not being honest with him. I decide that I am not going to tell him about my father...not right now when I am still trying to recover from this ‘realization’ myself, but I should tell him about Tim.

“Jared,” I say quietly, not knowing how to begin. “I... I have to tell you something, something about Tim,” I say, looking anywhere but in his eyes.

I can feel Jared move closer to me, I glance up and see the worry and anger in his eyes before I have even gotten to say anything.

“Before I tell you though, you have to promise me that you won’t go and do anything crazy,” I say and grab his hands. “I know that’s a lot to ask, but please... I don’t want this to get any worse than it already has,” I whisper and lean into him.

“Jen, I... I can’t promise. I can’t do that if he hurt you,” Jared says.

I see the red in his face already at the anticipation of what I’m going to tell him.

“Jay,” I murmur in his ear. “ _Please_.”

“Okay Jen... okay,” he responds to my plea.

“Tim, he... he,” I start to stutter.

“Just tell me, Jensen,” Jared starts to fidget with the strings on his hoodie.

“God... it’s not easy Jared, I mean he was really mad after Tom and Chad beat him up. He came looking for me the other day at school, the only day I was early, and he cornered me and he... he says he likes me, but what he did...” I take a breath.

I can see Jared’s face pale, he knows what I’m going to tell him, but he lets me talk, lets me take my time.

I take a few deep breaths, visibly shaking before continuing.

“He sat on me, held me down, while his friends kept watch and he... he made me touch, suck...” I say the last word in a quiet, ashamed voice.

Jared holds up his shaking hand, puts his finger over my lips. “You don’t have to tell me, Jen,” he says in a shaky voice.

“I have to tell you Jared, have to get it out, want to be honest with you,” I say.

“He put his hand down my pants, while he sat on me. He just kept at it till I couldn’t help it, Jay I...I,” I stammered. My face more red than it has ever been, I’m sure. Not able to tell him the words _‘he made me cum’_ I just buried my face in his shoulder and whispered, “I... in my pants.” My body starts to shake with humiliation, more tears form at the corner of my eyes.

“Shhhhhhhh,” Jared whispers. “I understand Jensen, I know okay. It’s okay that you did that. It’s okay,” he just keeps whispering over and over again.

After I calm down again I finish. “He made me suck him Jared, made me take it all in. I couldn’t stop choking, wished I would have,” I say wiping my face with the back of my hand.

“I’m so fucking weak, I can’t believe I let him do that,” I say anger creeping up inside me.

“Jen... You didn’t _‘let’_ this happen; you couldn’t do anything about it. He was sitting on your chest, how would you have gotten away. I don’t blame you... I wanna fucking kill Tim though. I mean I want to beat him so bad even his own mother won’t recognize him,” he says, hands cupping my cheeks.

“You promised Jared,” I say quickly. “He said if anyone found out that next time... next time he would rape...” I just let the word hang between us.

“I’d like to see him fucking try it,” Jared says shooting up from his spot on the grass and begins to pace. “Just thinking of him putting his hands on you... making you,” he stops there. “God I’m so sorry Jensen. Wish I was there for you; wish you would have told me sooner,” he says pulling me up and into a hug.

“You don’t hate me?” I ask embarrassed.

“I could never hate you Jen... no matter what. I love you,” he whispers and puts his lips over mine. Tenderly he kisses me, tongue licking at my bottom lip, asking for entrance. I open my mouth and a ‘mewl’ escapes when our tongues meet.

After what seems like hours, our lips part and Jared rests his head on mine.

“Come on, we should go get our stuff from school. I’ll walk you home, maybe even carry your books for you... if you’d let me,” he says and shoves his shoulder into mine.

I blush like a girl at the thought of walking home with Jared and him carrying my books. “You’re a real romantic,” I say and squeeze his hand.

We go into the school and to our lockers where we get our books and backpacks. We run into Mike on our way back out of the school.

"Where the hell were you two all afternoon?” Mike asks.

I let out a sigh and bite my bottom lip; thinking about everything that has been going on in the last few days has me reeling.

I can see out of the corner of my eye Jared shoots him a look that says ‘don’t even ask’ so Mike just walks beside us quietly.

“You okay Jensen?” Mike asks after we get out of the school.

“Yeah, totally fine,” I say and grab for Jared’s hand.

“You know that you can talk to anyone of us... not just this Sasquatch right,” he jokes and punches Jared in the arm.

“He just happens to be in love with this Sasquatch,” Jared teases back.

I feel my cheeks redden at the openness of Jared’s and my feelings for each other, it’s like we were _‘out’_ forever and its second nature or something.

Mike sees us holding hands and rolls his eyes, “You two need to get a room,” he scoffs. “I’ll let the _love birds_ be... catch you two tomorrow,” he says and runs to catch up to Chad and Tom.

Jared turns to me and catches me off guard when he softly connects our lips; our teeth accidentally clashing together. I groan into the kiss but instantly melt into it; momentarily forgetting the day and how draining it has been. What started out as tender kissing ends more hurried and _needy_. Jared pulls away slowly but remains extremely close to me. He looks deeply into my eyes and he presses against my thigh. I can feel his length as he leans in close and says, “See what you do to me.”

"No complaints here." I let out breathlessly; wanting so badly to kiss him again. Knowing he loves me feels so much different than the times before, when I was forced to... I shake my head and hug him tighter, letting him feel that he does the same to me, gently rocking my hips forward.

"I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere with me. I have a little bit of money and, well, we could spend some time together... alone." He says softly; lightly stroking my cheek.

I close my eyes and just enjoy the feel of his hand on my face. I am very unsure about his idea, though. My father will kill me if I don't come home when I am supposed to. I really want to spend time with Jared, though. Whatever happens to me at home would be worth it so long as I get to spend some time with him.

"Yeah, that sounds great." I say without giving it much thought.

I smile when he takes my hand in his and I allow him to lead me off school grounds. We engage in a small conversation until we reach Pizza Hut. Upon entering the restaurant my stomach gives a very loud grumble. I can hear Jared giggle and I jab him in the ribs.

“I must have forgotten how hungry I am,” I say to him while following our waiter to our private booth. There is soft music coming from the jukebox in the corner, the song is unrecognizable to me. I sit down opposite Jared and I can't help but feel very comfortable.

Once we are sitting in the booth, Jared grabs my hand from across the table and lightly squeezes it affectionately. This small action causes a wide smile to form on my face, and he seems glad to see it because a smile soon grows on his face as well. The public show of affection has my knees weak, so it's a good thing we are sitting down. The waitress clears her throat and that catches our attention; both of us blushing in embarrassment. She quickly takes our order of drinks and then walks away.

Jared laughs slightly at what just happened and the amused expression stays on his face. I decide to be daring for once in my life and lean over the table; capturing his lips instantly. I feel him smile into the kiss and warmth spreads throughout my body. I pull back moments later and the waitress once again interrupts us by placing our sodas down on the table. She asks if we are ready to order and Jared looks in my direction; asking if sausage is okay. I simply nod my head and the waitress writes down our order before finally walking away.

"So, have you talked to your dad yet about the whole lawyer subject?" I ask, not wanting to focus on me anymore, but instantly regret my choice of questioning when a frown forms on his face.

He releases a heavy sigh and I feel guilty for bringing it up.

"No, and he has already left for New York. If I want to talk to him about it I will have to do it over the phone. I am scared of telling him, though. I know that is one conversation that won't end well."

"I'm sorry Jared; I shouldn't have brought it up. I mean, we are supposed to be having fun, not thinking about our problems." I say apologetically.

"Don't even worry about it Jensen, I don’t mind that you asked. It shows you care and are interested, that means a lot to me," he says and brushes his knee against mine under the table.

I smile; relieved to know I haven't ruined his good mood.

~*~

We both turn our heads when the waitress walks up with our pizza. She places it down on our table and says she will be around if we need her. As soon as she walks away Jared grabs himself a piece of pizza and then I do the same. Once again, it feels great to be able to eat after throwing everything up that you have eaten in the past two days.

"You're really enjoying that slice of pizza, aren't you?" Jared states with an amused expression.

"Why do you say that?" I ask, feeling self conscious.

"The biggest smile imaginable is fixed on your face. Looks to me like you're savoring that slice of pizza,” he laughs slightly and his words cause a blush to form on my cheeks.

"I am just hungry, haven't really eaten today. Throwing up does that to you," I say and look down.

“Awww shit, I’m sorry Jen, I forgot,” he says and immediately puts his piece down and rubs my hand.

“Its fine, I must look like I’m in love with it or something,” I laugh.

“Not more than me I hope,” he giggles and picks his piece back up.

My jaw drops again when he throws a piece of sausage at me and it just so happens to hit my forehead. This, of course, causes him to start laughing hysterically. His laughter ceases, however, when I toss the same piece of sausage at him and it hits him on the nose. He stares at me in disbelief and I simply stare back at him in a challenging fashion. When he can no longer hold a serious expression, laughter rips through his throat and I find myself laughing along with him.

When both of our laughter dies down, he smiles adoringly at me and takes my hand from across the table. I blush shyly but squeeze his hand affectionately. I look away when I feel eyes upon us and frown when I see Sandy glaring at us from across the room. She obviously is pissed off at me for getting together with her ex-boyfriend. I have wanted to be with him for so long, though. She can be angry all she wants because I don't care. I won't screw up my chance at being with him just because she hates the fact that he likes me more than her. I feel bad for her, of course, but this knowledge also makes me feel so good inside. She has always held a special place in Jared's heart, but since I am the one he wanted to be with in the end... well, that just means so much to me.

Jared follows my gaze and lets out a sigh; softly telling me not to look at her. I tear my eyes away and stare out the window. I can tell he feels uncomfortable and that is the last thing I want him to be feeling at the moment. We are supposed to be having a good time and as of right now I don't think either of us are. The strained smile on Jared's face just proves that to me.

~*~

After we finish most of our pizza, we both stand up and Jared takes a hold of my hand. I give him a small smile and slowly lead him out of the restaurant. Of course, we don't get out of the building without being under Sandy's and her friend's intense glares. By the time we are outside, however, we can let out a sigh of relief and laugh about that little incident. What else can we possibly do at a time like this? Dwelling on the fact that Sandy ruined our little moment seems senseless and, besides, laughing the matter off sounds so much better to me anyway.

Hand in hand we walk aimlessly with no particular destination in mind. A silence has over-shadowed us but it is a comfortable silence that neither of us seems to want to break. No words are needed anyway; the other's presence speaks volumes to the both of us. I can tell that he is happy again and that is all that matters to me.

After a while we come across the park that is not too far from our houses and Jared leads me through it. This is a very nice park; the only place in town that actually has grass. There is only a small area with playground equipment; most of it is just scenic. I am sure a lot of families have picnics here. That is something I would love to do. Maybe I should run this idea by Jared some time.

I am caught off guard when Jared suddenly pushes me playfully and I let out an undignified scream as I fall. Somehow, I grab a hold of his arm to try to keep myself from falling but all that manages to achieve is Jared falling as well. I land hard on the grass and Jared ends up on top of me. I glare up at him and he just starts laughing, informing me on the fact that I had the most hilarious expression on my face as I fell. I simply roll my eyes in response and push him off me.

Once I am standing again, I dust myself off and turn to Jared, who is standing as well. He smiles sheepishly and pulls me closer; claiming my lips instantly. Smiling into the kiss, I wrap my arms around him and run my tongue along his bottom lip. He grants me access to his mouth and I get to explore it once again. By the time we pull away we are both panting but manage to give each other a smile.

"You want to come over to my house for a little while? You've never really been there just to hang out before. I would really like it if you did." He says with a shy smile once he gets his breathing to regulate.

"Yeah, that would be nice." I reply without giving it much thought. I just want to spend as much time with him as possible, to hell with my father.

 

~*~

 

It doesn't take us that long to get to his house, once inside, we head straight into the kitchen. Jared pulls out two cokes from the fridge and hands one to me. I swear I am going to get spoiled. He then leads me up to his room and I take a look around at my unfamiliar surroundings. I have never seen his room before but I always expected it to be really nice. Some clothes have been carelessly thrown onto the floor but other than that it is very clean and organized. I like the fact that he has posters on his walls; something I wish I had. Most of the bands I don't recognize but they define the room as his own. It is also a decent sized room as well.

Standing awkwardly in the doorway, I watch as he kicks off his shoes and sits down on his computer chair. An amused smile forms on his face when his eyes land on me, and he stares at me for a moment.

“You gonna come in or stand in the doorway all day,” he asks wiggling his eye brows.

Slowly, I walk over to his bed and sit down on the edge of it; placing my backpack on the floor. I watch intently as Jared walks over to me.

“Can I look at your binder again?” He asks.

I look at him in confusion, the question is odd to me but I take my binder out of my backpack and hand it over to him nonetheless. He opens it to the page that has the disturbing doodle on it and tears it out. He looks into my eyes as he crumples up the paper and I can't help the smile that forms on my face; he really hates that drawing. He throws the paper away and then turns to me with that familiar, concerned expression.

"I didn't get to ask before but, how did this happen?” He asks as he lightly touches the cut on my forehead and I instantly pull away.

"Just me being my clumsy self,” I reply with a nervous smile. I really don’t want to talk about any of this, not here, not now after the week I have just had. “Jay... _please_. I don’t really want to talk about this right now, not after...” I say and lean my shoulder against his.

"You're not that clumsy Jensen." He states softly and I look away in shame. "It's okay; you don't have to tell me right now. I told you that I’m here for you, whenever you do want to talk," he says and brushes the hair off my scar.

I feel his hand on my face and soon we are looking into each other's eyes. He tenderly runs his hand down my face and my eyes close in contentment; a soft sigh escaping my lips. I am slightly startled when I suddenly feel his lips on mine but quickly melt into the affectionate gesture. His lips are barely moving against mine and I already feel breathless. It amazes me just how much of an affect he has on me. Just the mere sight of him causes me to forget everything and the simplest of touches makes enjoyable shivers run all through my body. I will never get tired of feeling his lips on mine, feeling him hold me; touch me with his strong hands.

Our light, barely there kiss rapidly becomes an open mouthed one and I find myself panting. Knowing he doesn't need permission, Jared slips his tongue into my mouth and massages mine in slow, sensual circles. I find a small moan escaping my throat caused by this mere kiss and warmth spreading all throughout my body. Jared pushes against my shoulder gently until I am lying on my back and he lies partly on top of me as our kiss becomes more desperate.

I close my eyes tightly when his lips leave mine and make their way to my neck. This sends pleasurable shivers through my body and I find myself moaning and thrusting upwards with my hips, trying to get any contact I can. I pull away slightly embarrassed when I feel him hard against my thigh, my heart racing the tiniest bit.

“Hey,” he says and lifts my chin up. “It’s okay, I would never hurt you. If you want to stop though...” he says backing off a bit. I respond by rolling my hips on top of his, lining up our lengths and pressing against him, slowly grinding down into him. I can feel pre cum leaking out of my engorged tip, and my eyes flutter closed as I think that if I continue doing this I will not last.

“I just need...” I say out of breath. “I just need to be in control Jay, never was in control,” I say wrapping my hand around the nape of his neck and kissing him deeply.

I feel his body go relaxed, like he’s giving me permission to do what I want and it makes me roll my hips down into him even more feverishly. 

I hear him groan as his head is thrown back, I trail my hand from his hair to the front of his chest. Feeling the hard muscles beneath his shirt and going down further to his taut stomach. I feel his breath coming out in pants as I kiss behind his ear, nibble it and groan low “I want you.”

I am not ready for sex or anything like that, but making out is harmless, and I want to experience this with Jared; there is no one else I would rather be doing this with.

Slowly, my hands make their way to the hem of his shirt and I pull it over his head; throwing it on the floor as he rolls us once more. Jared smiles down at me before he once again, connects our lips. His right hand gently caresses my chest through my t-shirt and I swear I feel like I am in heaven. He is being so careful with me; like I could break if he touches too roughly. It is an amazing feeling that I have never felt before; no one has ever been so gentle with me. I find myself needing more of his tender touches; craving them. It is like an addiction that can't seem to be satisfied. His hands never leave my body, though, and mine never leave his. I am finally getting what I have wanted for so long; to feel loved, and I don't want this feeling to disappear.

"What in God's name is going on in here?" comes a voice from the door way.

Jared instantly jumps off of me and I look toward the voice to see his horrified mother standing there. I cringe when I see the expression on her face and bite my lip when she begins screaming.

“I asked you what is going on Jared!” his mother screams again. “You bring this...this _boy_ here and you are doing sinful things under _my_ roof,” she yells.

Jared is staring down at the floor; not daring to raise his head, but instead trying to hide his enormous hard on. I do the same by grabbing my back pack and placing it over my lap. I feel so bad for him right now. I can't help but feel as though this is entirely my fault.

"I should probably go." I softly say as I stand up.

"You better get the hell out of my house." His mother screeches angrily, with an icy glare directed at me.

I look at Jared and he wordlessly nods his head. Quickly, I grab my coat and rush out of the room. As I am running down the stairs, the last thing I hear his mom say is, "I will have no faggot as a son. You have shamed this family, Jared, with your sinful ways..." and instantly I feel guilty for leaving him in there to face this alone. I have no choice but to leave, though, so that is what I do.

As I walk down the street I silently pray, hoping Jared and his mom can work things out between them. She reacted rather badly, and said some hurtful things. I am sure her words got worse after I left. Who knew she would react in such a way? It doesn't matter who he loves, she should support him no matter what. I can't say I like his mom, because of how she treated him, but for his sake I hope they work things out. He doesn't deserve to get discriminated against by his own mother and I can’t help but worry what effect it’s gonna have on Jared.


	21. Complications

As soon as I enter my house a sense of regret comes over me. I have come home late and I know my father is somewhere around here waiting for me, which is not a very comforting thought. Slowly, I make my way up the stairs and walk into my room. I place my backpack on the floor by my cot and let out a sigh when I realize I left my binder at Jared's house. I can only hope that he takes it with him to school tomorrow because there is no way I can go get it now.

A groan of pain escapes me when I am suddenly pushed to the floor, and I timidly look up at my father; the memory of what he did to me thrust back into my mind. I flinch when he roughly grabs my arm, and out of instinct I try to pull away, but he effortlessly pulls me off the ground. He pushes me out of my room and slams me into the opposite wall. Thankfully, I am not bleeding.

I can't help but hiss in pain when my father pulls me up by my hair. I stumble, and nearly fall, when he pushes me toward the stairs, but I somehow manage to keep my balance. Knowing he would push me down the stairs given the opportunity, I descend them at a quick pace. Once my feet hit the hard wood floor, my father grabs the back of my neck and practically drags me into the kitchen. He hasn't said a single word so far and that unnerves me because he is clearly pissed off; in this kind of mood there is no telling what he will do to me.

He pushes me down onto the cold tile floor and once again I let out a groan of pain. The pain intensifies when my side receives a swift kick from his work boot. I always hate getting kicked when he has his work boots on because they are steel toed.

“Where the hell do you think you were till... 5:30 pm?” he yells. “Haven’t I told you that you have to be home right after school,” he screams angrily and kicks me once more in the side as I try and roll away.

His voice pierces my ears, and I can’t say that I am surprised. This was the risk I was taking going out with Jared after school. I knew he would be angry, so I shouldn't have expected any less from him. He keeps telling me that he will teach me not to come home late again.

“You want to act like a _child_... you are going to be treated like one,” he spits and pulls me up from the floor. He sits down on the nearest kitchen chair and bends me over his knee. The humiliation is almost too much for me to bear, until he pulls down my pants and exposes my bare ass. I grit my teeth as I feel his hand come down hard once, twice, three times.

“You will learn to obey me... or so help me God, Jensen,” he says with every hard downward smack.

“Where were you tonight?” he asks not letting up.

I don't open my mouth to speak; I just bite down hard on my cheeks, willing my tears away, not wanting him to have the satisfaction of breaking me. Plus, he doesn't need to know where I was and I don't think he would really listen to me anyway. My answer wouldn't help my situation so it is better that I don't utter a single word.

“No good...” he muttered as he dropped me to the floor.

I go to pull my pants up, ass stinging against my boxers. Out of the corner of my eye I see him walk to the stove. I laugh to myself thinking he’s going to want me to cook dinner for him now and I close my eyes tightly and grit my teeth. He pulls me up and once again slams my body back down on the ground. He does this a couple more times and by the time he is done I feel like passing out.

“I can’t even stand the sight of you...” he grunts as he roughly pulls me to my feet and pushes me into the stove.

I clutch onto the edge and wince when I feel the pain in my stomach.

My father carelessly pushes me out of the way and I watch as he turns on one of the stove burners. An expression of confusion and a bit of fright crosses my face when he stands aside and just leaves the burner on. _Has he finally lost his mind_ , I think to myself. What crazy idea does he have for tormenting me now? He is just standing there, looking at me with a wicked smirk on his face.

I watch as he turns off the burner and then am surprised as he painfully grabs my right arm. Instantly, I am aware of what his plan is and the thought leaves me trembling in fear.

“Dad...dad please don’t...”I begin pleading, voice shaking.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for coming home late. I’ll never do it again...please dad,” I say, tears streaming down my face.

As expected, though, he doesn't listen to me, and through all my fighting, he pushes my arm down onto the burner.

A pain filled scream rips through my lungs and my knees buckle from beneath me. My father forcibly keeps my arm on the burner; making me endure this torture.

“Dad please!” I scream, voice cracked from screaming so loud. Big salty tears fall from my eyes as I feel myself start to fall to the ground.

When he finally releases his death grip on my arm I slide to the floor and curl up on my side; cradling my seared arm. I see in the doorway my brother standing, a look of horror on his face and I pray to God that he wasn't standing there this whole time. Father either doesn't know Jason is there or he just doesn't care as he strips my shirt from my body and takes off his belt.

“Come on dad... I said I’m sorry already,” I wail. I know it does no good though; my abuse is nowhere near finished. I am dumbfounded by all he is putting me through tonight, he has never went this far before. I already know I am going to be in a tremendous amount of pain tomorrow. The only saving grace is that from the first thwack of the belt, blackness over takes me.

~*~

  
No matter what I do I can't make the pain go away, I have even taken some Advil to try to ease it. My arm is killing me, feeling like it is on fire, and there is nothing I can do to stop the sleeve of my hoodie from rubbing against it; agitating it more. My back isn't feeling any better, my father has left it an open wound once again... many opens wounds actually. Last night he forced Jason to leave, locking him in his room. I found this out this morning when Jason came to check on me.

_“You okay Jensen,” he asks from the other side of the bathroom door._

_“I’m...I’m fine Jason,” I reply shakily._

_“Let me in... let me see,” he says._

_I hesitantly open the door, looking away ashamed. I stand in only my boxers clutching my arm._

_“Jen...” he says before he starts to cry._

_I try to comfort him, but every part of my body is either on fire or in excruciating pain._

_“Jen... dad was so cruel, I mean I have never seen anything like that in my life. We have to do something Jensen. If he didn’t drag me to my room and lock me in it I would have saved you,” he says sobbing._

_“Jason... just please,” I say tired and just irritated._

Now I am trying to get ready for school but am finding it difficult because my clothes are aggravating my injuries. I feel like shit and am once again hating my life. The only thing that is brightening my spirits is the thought of seeing Jared again. Although, with how things ended last night, I am a little worried about him and can't help but wonder how everything went after I left. His mom seemed really angry and, dare I say, disgusted. I hope I haven't ruined his relationship with his mom, because I know what it is like to live in a house where your parent hates you and that is the last thing I want for him. I hope to God they were able to work things out, it would be so much better for Jared if they did.

Wearing my nice clothes, I exit my room with my backpack in hand and walk downstairs. My father is in the kitchen as usual, with his morning coffee in hand, and I silently stand a few feet away from him. A grunt can be heard from him when he realizes that I am in the room and he informs me on the fact that he didn't make anything for breakfast, meaning I won't be eating this morning. I am not too pleased to hear this, but, for some odd reason, I am not too hungry today anyway.

"I have to work late today and afterwards I'm gonna stop by the bar. I need you to look after Jason; make sure he gets fed," he informs me in a casual tone of voice, which is something I am not used to.

I let out a meek, "alright," and with that father stands up. He finishes the rest of his coffee in one big gulp and then motions for me to follow him outside. I do so silently and he locks the door behind us. He motions for me to head to school and I slowly begin walking in that direction; feeling rather confused. He was being oddly nice to me this morning and I am not sure what to make of it. He is never nice to me, so why is this morning different? He couldn't possibly feel guilty for how bad he hurt me last night, could he? That seems highly unlikely, but his odd behaviour just doesn't make any sense to me.

~*~

I am still rather confused by how this day has started out, but I am trying to push these thoughts aside. I manage to do just that when I hear a familiar voice from behind me, and a smile instantly takes over my face. Quickly, I cease walking and turn around; waiting as Jared rushes to catch up. By the time he reaches me he is out of breath but manages to have a smile on his face.

"Why didn't you ride the bus?" I ask.

"I knew you would be walking so I decided to walk with you. Plus, you left this at my house and I figured I should return it to you," he replies as he hands over my forgotten binder.

I look at it and remember the drawing I did in it. A tear forms in my eye. Last night I wanted that picture to come true. I wanted it to be real, that I wouldn’t wake up from the torture I endured. Then I look up into those puppy eyes that are staring at me, and remember why I fought so hard, why I wouldn’t let him win, wouldn’t let him break me.

I fall into his arms and just cling to him.

“Jen... what’s wrong?” he asks rubbing his face in my hair.

“I just... I missed you,” I say brushing my lips over his. “Are you okay? I mean, things with your mom...” I say and wipe the tear from my eye.

A pained expression comes over his face and I can't help but feel sick to my stomach that I could be the cause.

"She won't talk to me now, barely even looks at me. Some of the things she said to me, Jen. They were just hurtful and cruel. I never knew my mom would hurt me so much with just a few words," he chokes out.

"I am so sorry Jay. Maybe she'll come around, though, once the initial shock wears off." I say as soothingly as I can, but feeling as though I haven't said enough.

"Maybe, but you didn't see the look on her face or hear what she said... I don't think she'll ever accept this, accept me," he says brokenly, but then tries to play it off with a fake smile. "I don't want to talk about this anymore; we’d better get to school before we’re both late."

_I know how you feel Jared, God, I know how you feel all too well_ , I think to myself as we walk the rest of the way to school in silence.

~*~

Jared grabs hold of my hand as we walk onto the school grounds. I give him the widest grin and my stomach does a tiny flip. It feels so good to simply hold his hand, to know that he is there for me and actually cares. I wish I could tell him about what happened to me last night, but I don’t want to burden him with my problems. He squeezes my hand and I look up at him.

“You okay Jen?” he asks as if he can read my mind. “I am when I’m with you,” I say quietly and squeeze his hand in return.

I can't help but feel very uncomfortable, though, when I notice that practically everyone is staring at us and the expressions on their faces are ones of disgust. I can tell that Jared is feeling the same way as his eyes dart in every direction; examining everyone's face. He gives me an unsure look and I try to sooth him with a weak smile. It is difficult to comfort him when I am feeling the same way, though. I don't like having their eyes on me in such a judgmental way, and that leads me to wonder why they are looking at us this way in the first place.

We both try to ignore their stares, but Jared drops my hand and walks slightly ahead to find our friends. I feel in that instant that something strange is going on and I want to know what it is. Why is everyone looking at us like we are a couple of disgusting freaks? Sure, I am used to this type of reaction, but not by the whole school at the same time! Jared definitely isn't used to this and I can tell by his demeanour that he is feeling really uncomfortable. I can only imagine what he is thinking and it scares me a little how this is going to affect him... us.

I let out a groan once we enter the building and I see Tim and his friend Brandon walking our way. Out of instinct I grab for Jared’s hand, my stomach clenching into a tight knot. I don’t want to be anywhere near Tim. I know it is no use wishing he will leave me alone, but that is what I find myself doing. Just the sight of them, him and that sneer on his face, tells me that we aren't going to be so lucky. All eyes are on us as we walk down the hall, I feel Jared tense up. He hasn't said a word since we stepped foot on school grounds... I am not sure if this is a good or bad sign.

"Hmm... wonder why everyone is staring at you guys like that," Tim says once he’s standing in front of us with a smirk on his face. "Could it be that everyone wants to stare at the freak show."

I feel my face pale... my hands start to sweat as I see out of the corner of my eye, Jared deflate.

"How could you do that Tim?" I say in disbelief, feeling both angry and hurt. "How could you be so cruel... after what you did,” I whisper.

"Don't get too close to them Tim, they might infect you with their disease." Brandon says laughing cruelly. Tim starts to laugh uneasily in response.

Getting tired of their taunting, Jared grabs a hold of my wrist and pushes past them. I can only imagine what shit they said to everyone to make them look at us with such disgust. Is it the fact that we are gay, or did they bend the truth? Or it could be the fact that _Jared_ is with _me_. I have a feeling it is the latter though, because it is the only one that makes sense. I mean, I am not the most liked person in the school, and since I am dating Jared, someone who is liked by almost everyone, I am sure people aren't too happy about it, especially Tim. Whatever it is doesn't matter I guess. I just wish they weren’t treating Jared so terribly.

"So what I heard is true," Milo's voice is suddenly heard from behind us.

I close my eyes tightly and instantly feel horrible. We told all our friends yesterday about our relationship except for Milo. I can only imagine how he must be feeling, having to hear about it from students in our school. We should have told him, he deserved to hear it from us.

"I am so sorry you had to find out the way you did, we wanted to tell you personally," I say as we turn around to face him.

"I can't believe this... how... how could you two possibly be _together_?" he asks in disbelief. "This is just so wrong, you're both guys! You don’t see something seriously wrong with that,” he says, voice raised.

"Why would we?" Jared asks in confusion, his expression matching my own.

"You two are friends; you're not supposed to be in a relationship!" He exclaims, looking at us like we are aliens he just discovered. "I can't believe I have gay friends."

"I... I thought you knew Milo. I mean, all the other guys weren’t surprised at all,” I say to him. “Why are you taking this so hard? We're still the same people you have always known," I add, trying to reason with him.

"I'm sorry, I just... I don't know how to deal with this. I find this to be so wrong, I don't agree with that type of lifestyle."

"Milo, don't be this way," Jared says, not even trying to hide how hurt he is.

"I'm sorry guys," Milo whispers before walking passed us; not even looking back.

I am hurt by how he reacted, there is no denying that. I never thought he would turn his back on our friendship just because of a simple thing such as sexuality. I thought he would at least try to be more open minded; not just push us out of his life. He is supposed to be our friend and be there for us no matter what. I guess I have a lot to learn about friendship.

Jared seems to be taking this very hard. He and Milo have been friends longer than Jared and I. Jared considered him one of his best friends and now he’s just turned his back on Jared because he is gay. Being with me seems to be bringing him nothing but pain. I hate to think that way, but it is the truth. Jared can be pretty sensitive, and I know all this scrutinizing is killing him.

“Jen... I’ll catch you in homeroom,” he says.

Before I can even utter a single word he quickly walks away. My heart hurts so bad for him, watching him walk away from me, it’s almost as painful as my physical injuries, which I have put in the back of my mind until I lean my body against someone's locker and let out a cry. My eyes start to water at the pain in my back and arm. This day is starting out as one of the worst; I can only hope that it doesn't get any worse. I don't know how much more drama I can take.

  
~*~   


  
Trying to find Jared when he seemingly doesn't want to be found proves to be a very difficult task. The lunch period is almost over and I have yet to even catch a glimpse of him. He never showed up for homeroom, meaning he ditched the class and I have been trying to find him ever since. With the way he is feeling I know he needs someone to talk to and I would like to be that person. I just hope that he hasn't ditched for the whole day, I don't think I can wait until tomorrow to talk to him. He needs to get his feelings out in the open. I know what it is like to hold it all inside, I inadvertently touch my bandaged arm; it would be best if he could just talk to me about it.

I sit down on a bench with a sigh and watch as students pass me by, glaring. I am startled, yet relieved when Jared suddenly sits down beside me.

“God... there you are. Where have you been all morning,” I ask and place my hand over his. To my dismay he takes his hand away and places it in his lap. This only manages to worry me. Just a day ago holding each other’s hand was comforting. I am suddenly afraid of what he is going to say.

He decides to remain silent which only leaves me in suspense.

" _Jared_?” I say timidly.

"I was mostly in the library when I had the time." He finally answers.

"Figures, it was the only place I forgot to look," I mutter with a sigh and a shake of my head.

"It was the only place I could think and that was quiet," he adds.

“What were you thinking ‘bout,” I softly ask him.

"Important things, life changing things," he says before going silent once again.

This conversation doesn't sound like it’s going in the direction that I want it to, but I urge him to continue nonetheless.

"Jensen, I don't think...” he stops and looks down. “I never imagined that us being together would have this much affect on this many people,” he says sadly. “I mean two important people in my life won’t even look at me anymore, much less talk to me, “he whispers.

"Jay they’ll come around, you just have to give your mom and Milo a chance,” I say eagerly.

“Jensen you didn’t hear what my mom said, you never heard her crying all night long. She wouldn’t even look at me this morning. And Milo...” he just stops there.

“You don’t think I know... you don’t think I feel the same way you do,” I say to him.

I want so badly to tell him, to shout at him that every day I go through this. That _today_ for him...is what I go through _every day_ of my life. That my mother left because of me... that my father can’t stand me. That he hates me and has for ten years or more and that every day he beats me for just breathing. That every kid in this school hates me and could care less if I was living or dead.

His words cut through my thoughts.

"Don't you see that this isn't a good situation?" He says obviously in frustration, arms flailing around to emphasize his point. "The entire school is looking at us like we're freaks, and I just lost one of my best friends. And for what? Because we're being us! It's just not worth it Jen, I'm sorry," he says finally.

I try to grab hold of his hand, to tell him that we can't let them win, but he roughly wrenches his hand out of mine and stands up. There is so much pain in his eyes as he stares down at me, and I feel as if I am choking. I want to talk him out of his decision but he seems to be beyond reasoning at this point and in the back of my mind I knew... I knew this was all too good to be true.

With one last whispered, "I'm sorry," he walks away from me. It feels as though something has died inside of me. I just lost the one person who means the world to me... I just lost Jared, one of the only people I had left to hold on to.

A faint _‘please Jay’_ escapes my lips as he turns one last time and looks at me... a single tear rolls down his cheek.


	22. Putting on a Show

I am trying to do my morning dishes but can't seem to focus on this simple task. It has already taken me a half an hour to do something that usually takes me fifteen minutes or less to finish. Yesterday's events keep repeating over and over in my head, I can't seem to escape it. I feel more alone than I have in a long time and that is saying a lot considering the life I lead. I feel so lost, I don't know what to do with myself now that Jared is gone. I am dreading the day that lies ahead. How will I handle seeing Jared; knowing I can't just walk up to him like I usually would? I won't be able to talk to him... touch him and that kills me. Why did this have to happen? I shouldn't have told him how I felt about him in the first place. At least then I wouldn't know that he feels the same and we could continue being the friends we have always been. Telling him my true feelings was in no way worth losing him as my best friend.

Even if he decided that he still wanted me in his life and couldn't give up on our friendship, I don't know if I could trust him again. What if I opened my heart and let him in only for him to turn around and run at the first signs of trouble. I will end up getting hurt again in the end. I don't think I could recover from it a third time. Hell, he has worn out all the trust I had in him... now he will have to earn it back. Although, there is still the fact that he might not want to earn it back; I am no longer a part of his life. That thought only seems to bring me down further.

I yelp when I am pulled backwards and grunt in pain when my back makes contact with the hard floor. My father is standing over me glaring and I know what he is so upset about.

“You’ve been standing over those dishes for a God damn half an hour now boy...” he begins screaming. “Now you are going to have double to do tonight. You’ll just never learn, I guess my little ‘lesson’ did nothing to improve your common sense,” he shouts and pushes me back to the ground.

When he suddenly straddles me I freeze in terror and stare up at him with wide eyes. The fact that he is sitting on me brings back unpleasant memories and I close my eyes to them, willing them away. I begin squirming frantically; trying desperately to get out from underneath him, not caring that my back is in pain. This only angers him and he hits me with all his strength; I am sure I will have a bruise on my cheek again. My squirming instantly comes to an abrupt stop when he hits me another time and I just lie still on the floor.

He flips me over onto my stomach and lies on top of me, my gut wrenching as I can feel his hot breath close to my ear. “Why must you look so much like your damn mother,” he whispers and grinds down on top of me. He holds my head down to the ground, pressing my poor bruised cheek against the cold floor as he humps into my jean covered ass, moaning and groaning with every forceful shove. I can feel his hard length against me and I shudder, closing my eyes, praying that he will stop this soon. He gives one more violent shove against my ass and I feel him shudder on top of me. My mind screams as I realize what he has just done. “You always were more on the ‘feminine’ side... little pussy,” he says, voice stuttering. He gets up and forces me to my feet, my head dizzy from the memory of _before_ and what just happened.

“No good little shit,” he spits and pushes me towards the living room, palming himself and trying to hide the small wet spot on the front of his jeans. I stumble slightly before regaining my balance; still breathing heavily, swallowing hard the lump rising up in my throat.

“I’m going to be late again tonight,” he says all of a sudden casually. I swear the guy has multiple personality disorder; acting like he didn’t just kick the shit out of me and dry hump me just a moment ago. To be honest though, I prefer this kind of treatment. At least he isn't beating me, anything is better than that.

In a firm tone that leaves no room for arguments, he tells me to leave for school and I do so without having to be told twice. Once I have my backpack, I leave the house and begin my walk to school. My cheek is aching intensely and I just know a bruise has formed or is in the process of forming. I shake my head and try and get a handle on _what_ just happened back there. My world is slowly spinning out of control.

~*~

  
With my head lowered, I round the corner to school and instantly hate being here. Like yesterday, everyone is staring at me in disgust and I really wish I wasn't the center of their attention. I do my best to ignore their intense glares and simply make my way into the building. I head straight to my locker and place my backpack inside. Hugging my binder to my chest, I close my locker and slowly make my way further down the hall.

I spot Jared at the end of the hall, talking to Mike and Chad. My heart flutters at the sight of him; I long to talk to him, hug him, feel his strength around me. _God... I need him so much right now_ , I think to myself. As I get closer to them, Jared notices me and instantly a sad expression forms on his face. I feel an ache in my chest when he says something to the guys and then quickly walks into our homeroom. I knew today was going to be hard on me though, so I try to mask the pain and pretend that I am alright.

“Hey Jen... you doing okay?” Mike asks once I reach them. I just shake my head in a dismissive manner and head into class. He follows me and my heart sinks when I see that Jared is sitting by someone else. Pretending nothing is bothering me; I walk past him and sit down in my usual seat. On the inside I am breaking down slowly. How could I let things get to this? How could I let myself think that I would ever have anything good in my life... like Jared.

"Hey Jensen, what happened between you two? A couple days ago you guys couldn't stay away from each other, now you aren't speaking and he's sitting away from us. What changed?" Mike asks, both out of curiosity and concern.

Letting out a deep sigh, I look down at my hands and try to choose my words carefully. "We decided that our relationship wasn't such a good idea, we broke up yesterday. Things might be a little weird for a while, but I am sure things will work themselves out. We'll be friends again before you know it, so don't worry about a thing," I say, voice cracking just the tiniest bit.

"Shit, man... I’m sorry Jen. You're okay with this? I mean, you're doing alright?" He asks in concern, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah... sure," I say with a smile, hoping he doesn't notice how fake it is.

Thankfully, he seems to believe me and our conversation ends when the teacher enters the room. I take the chance to glance over at Jared but he is staring down at his binder. I don't know why but I would just like to catch his eye one more time, see his eyes staring into mine. That way I could tell if he misses me like I miss him. I know I am only hurting myself, but to know that he misses me would bring me some relief that I can’t explain. Just as the teacher starts to write on the board I take one last glance and catch him looking at me. His eyes, now that I can see them more clearly, are red rimmed and puffy. He’s been crying and that makes me want to go to him even more. He blinks and I can see a small tear form in the corner of his eye... he misses me too.

A lump forms in my throat as he looks away and gets out his binder. I do the same, pulling out the binder he returned to me yesterday. Just touching it brings back everything. I am hurting so much right now and as usual I don’t show how tormented I am. Having Jared and then losing him, the memory of my father raping me... and then Tim.

My life is spiralling out of control and now I don't even have Jared by my side. I don't see how my life could possibly get any worse. Just when it starts getting even the least bit bearable, I am ultimately let down once again. It is a never ending cycle that is killing me slowly and I am getting tired of it. It is like I am on a railroad train of pain and I can't get off because it never makes its stop. I can't handle this life but am forced to go through the motions.

Taking out a pen, I flip to the back of my binder and open my fairies notebook. I need to get my feelings out onto paper and right now is the perfect time since I have nothing in particular that I need to do. I have so many emotions shadowing my heart right now and I need a release. I feel as though I am breaking down inside. All this mental anguish is really starting to take its toll on me and I find my life no longer worth living.

My father has always beaten me and that is something I have learned to cope with, but knowing... remembering that he raped me...and now this morning. It’s killing my soul, and for the first time in my life I don't know how to handle it. Just yesterday it seemed bearable when I had Jared, but now... This seems to be out of my control and that frustrates me beyond belief. I am holding on to that memory unwillingly and I don't know how to let it go, or even if I can.

I wish there was someone who could comfort me, or isn’t afraid of what people think at least... God I _need_ Jared, want him so badly. I wish he could kiss the memory away, embrace me tightly and make me feel loved, wanted and safe. He is not here for me when I need him the most, though, and I have to find a way to let him go.

All these thoughts and emotions boiling inside of me form the lyrics from a well known song that makes me close my eyes tightly and take a deep breath. It is short but gets the message across. It is how I feel deep inside, and to be completely honest, it feels fitting for this point in my life. I desperately wish I could act on these words; make all my pain and despair disappear.

  
_Life it seems will fade away_   
_Drifting further everyday_   
_Getting lost within myself_   
_Nothing matters, no one else_   
_I have lost my will to live_   
_Simply nothing more to give_   
_There is nothing more for me_   
_Need the end to set me free_   


  
I quickly close my binder when I notice that Mike is trying to read the words on my paper. He raises an eyebrow in a questioning gesture and I blush sheepishly. With an apologetic smile, I explain that I don't like letting others read my writing and he, thankfully, seems to understand

I gather my things once the bell rings and the teacher tells us we can leave. A deep sigh escapes me as I watch Jared leave the room as quickly as he possibly can and I wonder if things are going to stay this way. Plastering a fake smile on my face and in a cheerful voice, I tell Mike that we should get to our first period classes. Seemingly buying my act, he nods his head and follows me out of the room.

 

~*~

 

Dragging my feet along the tiled floor, I enter the cafeteria and search the area for my friends. I see them toward the back of the room talking to Jared and instantly I know I can't go over there. As much as I want to, I know Jared would just walk away the second I got close to them, so I figure I will spare myself the heartache by leaving the cafeteria.

Students pass by me in the hall without a care as I hang my head low and stare at the ground beneath my feet. I wish I could just press rewind and go back to yesterday, a time when Jared and I were happy. I miss him so much, I feel as though I am suffocating, but at the same time I know I have to let him go. Things can't go back to the way they were, the damage has been done. How could I possibly find the strength to trust him again after this? I barely trust people as it is. In fact, I don't trust many people, so when I do finally put my trust in someone it can easily be torn to shreds, as I have easily found out.

I let out a groan when I hear my friends' voices from behind me, asking me to stop so they can catch up. When I turn around I see Chad, Tom and Milo walking my way at a fast pace.

I wonder why Milo is even coming after me, I mean after all he is _one_ of the reason’s Jared and I are not together in the first place.

I turn to them trying to put on the best ‘brave little soldier’ face that I can, but honestly it’s getting very wearing.

“How come you’re not getting lunch Jensen?” Chad asks.

“Just not that hungry,” I say and look straight at Milo. He hasn’t looked me once since I stopped and turned around. Makes me wonder if the others know how badly he reacted to the news of Jared and me.

"We heard about you and Jared... we're really sorry." Tom says in a tone laced with sympathy. "We were shocked to hear he broke up with you,” he says and puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Were you,” I say kind of sarcastically and not taking my eyes off Milo. He must have felt me staring because he fidgeted and then looked up briefly. I couldn’t help the tear that was coming to form in the corner of my eye. I wish he knew what he had done... what his words did. Why couldn’t he just be happy for Jared and I like the rest of our friends.

"Look, I am fine guys. It's not that big of a deal. Jared and I weren't even serious; we didn't have a chance to get that far,” I say and again turn my eyes to Milo. “You don't have to worry about me. I am taking this whole situation just fine, and I am sure Jared and I will be friends again in no time,” I say, but not really believing myself.

"Okay, 'cause we don't want to see you hurting Jen. As long as you're alright... that's all that matters," Tom says with a smile that I am glad to see.

“Yeah I know and I appreciate that Tom,” I say. “It’s so nice to see that I have friends that care, that don’t judge and that accept me for who I am. I can never thank you guys enough for that. Jared and I will be fine,” I say, hoping Milo caught the condescending tone that was directed at him.

Chad obviously wasn’t convinced, but I honestly didn't think he would be. I’m pretty sure he also caught the uneasiness between Milo and me. He always seems to know almost everything; it is hard to hide anything from him. I give him a look that clearly says, "Mind your own business", and he lets out a sigh.

“Well, we’d better get back to lunch,” Tom says and they head back into the cafeteria... all except Milo. An ashamed look comes over his face and he clears his throat uneasily.

"Look, Jensen... I'm sorry, okay... you know, if I offended or hurt you by what I said yesterday," he says as he lowers his head.

“ _If_... what you said offended me. _You_ are the reason that Jared broke up with me Milo, because of you and your closed mindedness,” I say anger rising in my voice.

"I didn't mean to break you guys up,” he stutters. “I was just taken off guard. I mean, come on Jensen, the two of you have been friends forever, all of a sudden you spring this on me,” he says fidgeting.

“Milo... this has nothing to do with _you_ , it has to do with Jared and I. Do you have any idea how long I have been in love with him? Do you have any idea how much I did not want _this_ to happen. It just happened Milo, we fell in love with each other, why is that so wrong,” I whisper. “Why do you and everyone else have to make it seem so evil and wrong. You can’t help who your heart falls in love with Milo, trust me I have been fighting this for years. I have denied it for so long... and now it looks like I’ll never be able to be happy with the one person that makes me the happiest in the whole world. You made sure of that,” I say and go to walk away.

“Jensen I’m sorry, it’s just... that’s the way I have been taught. I was raised to believe it's wrong... two guys together is wrong, but seeing you, hearing you,” he bows he head. “How can I make this right, between you and Jared,” he says moving towards me.

"I don't see Jared and me getting back together anytime in the present or future." I say and steal a glance in the cafeteria.

“Look Milo... I get it okay, I know how hard it is to break away from things that you were taught as a child and whatever, but sometimes you just have to think for yourself,” I shrug and walk off.

~*~

Feeling frustrated, I hit my locker and try, once again, to open it. Of course, my luck sucks, so once again it doesn't open, leaving me even more agitated. Mocking laughter can be heard behind me and I let out a sigh of annoyance. Turning around I come face to face with Tim and shoot a glare his way. He laughs once again while pounding his fist against my locker and I watch in disbelief as it swings open. He winks at me as he says, "Sometimes you have to be a little rough." I can't help but groan at this comment. With a smirk, he walks away and I fix a glare on his retreating back.

"Was he bothering you?" Chad's voice is suddenly heard from beside me.

I turn to see my friends standing there, including Jared, which surprises me. There is a look of pure hate in his eyes as he stares at Tim walk down the hall. My heart flutters the tiniest bit at the thought of Jared being bothered by Tim just being near me. I plaster a fake smile on my face and shake my head, saying, "He just opened my locker for me." They seem glad to hear this and I just smile softly.

"Uh, Jensen, what happened to your cheek?" Milo asks softly, staring at my face in suspicion, and immediately Jared's head snaps up.

The bruise must have worsened as the day went on, I never even thought to look once I got to school. Now my hand goes to my face instinctually.

"Just being my clumsy self this morning as usual, fell out of bed, hit my cheek against my nightstand,” I respond with the best laugh I can muster and rub at it gently.

Jared takes one step towards me, eyes going soft. He looks as if he wants to say something, but before he does I turn back to my locker.

“I... uh gotta get home,” I say and retrieve my backpack and sling it over my shoulder.

“Yeah we should be heading off as well,” Chad says walking past me.

“See ya tomorrow Jen,” Tom says and Milo pats me on the back. I turn to leave the other way when I am startled to come face to face with Jared. He just stares at me, then blushes sheepishly when his expression becomes serious and he lightly runs his fingers over my bruised cheek. I close my eyes at the tender gesture and lean into the touch; I have missed this so much, but then quickly come to my senses.

Stepping back so his hand isn't touching me anymore, I smile softly. “ _Jay_ ,” I whisper and tilt my head down, ashamed that I need him so much.

He takes a step towards me, leans in and inhales. I look up and his eyes are closed, as if in a trance his hand once again moves to my face.

“Jay... don’t,” I simply say. My voice sounds shaky, even to me and I don’t believe my own words, I want him so much to touch me, to just hold me.

“I... I’m sorry Jen,” he blushes in embarrassment.

“Jay I...God,” I say to him, my eyelashes fluttering in time to my heart beat. After a moment I let out a fake laugh.

“I’d better get going, Jason is home alone and I have to make dinner for him,” I say and look up at him one last time. I want to kiss him so badly, feel his hot lips on mine, tongue playing over mine, wet and warm.

"I really hope we can be friends again Jensen," he says softly, no longer able to keep eye contact with me.

"Yeah... me too,” I say with a smile.

With a twinkle in his eyes, he says, "Maybe," before walking away and leaving me alone in the empty hall.

I let out an inaudible sigh and finally stop pretending that everything is fine; that I am handling everything with such ease. Slowly, I make my way out of the school and begin walking in the opposite direction of my house. I have no desire to go home just yet and can't seem to force myself.

I feel so lost inside and I don't know what to do. I wish I could get all these thoughts out of my head, but they are all my mind is focusing on. Walking around town sounds like a decent option to me, maybe it will help me to clear my head. Changing scenery can sometimes be a good thing and I can't usually take this opportunity. Thankfully, my father has to work late tonight, so I don't have to worry about anything. Jason just recently turned eleven and is a pretty independent kid, so I know he will be just fine on his own for a little while.

Those lyrics I wrote down earlier today is really bothering me as well. How could I have let things get this far? I have never written about suicide before, and now that I have... I must admit that it scares me a bit. I wish I had the courage to take my own life and that in itself shakes my very soul. How could I have lost faith? Is there any strength left within me to continue the fight, especially now that I have lost Jared?

This couldn't have come at a worse time. I mean, who do I have to help me through this? I feel like I am all alone and lost; no one to lean on for support. My life is meaningless because I have nothing to look forward to and no one by my side. Everyone has left me including Jared, and I refuse to lean on my younger brother for support because that would put too much pressure on him. Without anyone to hold on to I know I will surely fall, so why am I still fighting against what is so obviously my fate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Fade to Black - Metallica


	23. Say Goodbye

As soon as I enter my house I see Jason sitting in the living room.

“Hey bud... has dad called,” I ask a little afraid he is going to say ‘yes’.

“Nah... just been sitting here watching the tube,” he replies not taking his eyes off the TV.

Walking up to my room, I take my fairies notebook out of my backpack and place it in my usual spot in the hole in the wall. After zipping up my backpack, I head into my father's room and gather his dirty clothes; before I head into the garage I grab Jason's dirty clothes as well.

Once I have the clothes in the washer, I add the fabric softener and detergent before heading into the kitchen to wash the dishes. I nearly jump out of my skin when Jason calls out to me from the doorway. I give him a playful glare and he smirks like the brat that he is.

"I found this in your backpack." He says, holding up my Metallica CD.

"Why were you snooping through my backpack?" I ask while giving him a disapproving look.

"I saw you holding the CD one night and thought you might want to listen to it while doing your work," he says with a smile as he holds up his walkman.

I stare at him in shock and slowly nod my head. He hands me his walkman and I can't help but pull him in for a hug. He hugs me back for a moment before pulling away and handing me the Metallica CD. Placing the CD in the walkman, I look up at Jason and he tells me that he will be in his room if I need him. With a nod of my head, he turns around and I watch as he walks out of the room.

I put the headphones on and press play; seconds later "Enter Sandman" fills my ears. A wide smile forms on my face, I remember Jared telling me this is one of his favourites from Metallica. Turning back to the task at hand, I begin washing the dishes as I listen to my CD for the first time.

  
~*~   


  
After I am sure dinner is done, I turn off the burner and take a plate out of the cupboard. I place the pork chops on the plate before taking the green beans out of the microwave. I still haven't taken out the trash, so I quickly grab the trash bag and head out of the house.

Once it is placed in the outside trashcan, I head back into the house only to find Jason in the kitchen making himself a plate of food. I smile at the sight and silently make my way into the garage. Opening the dryer, I take the clothes out and fold them. I place father's clothes on one side of the laundry basket and Jason's on the other. Afterwards, I take the clothes out of the washer and place them in the dryer before taking the laundry basket back into the house. I quickly put the clothes away and let out a sigh of relief when I can go back downstairs; having nothing I have to do for a short while.

Upon entering the kitchen, Jason hands me a plate full of food with a smile on his face before asking me to watch a bit of TV with him. I watch his retreating back in disbelief, but then a smile soon forms. Walking into the living room with my plate of food, I sit down on the couch and watch as Jason flips through the channels on our television set. He stops at Family Guy and instantly the grin on my face widens. He laughs at my expression and quietly says, "I knew you'd like to watch this," and I simply nod my head as I place a fork full of food in my mouth.

It feels good to be sitting here just watching TV with my younger brother. This is something we have never had the chance to do. Of course, I have never had the chance to do many things, and watching TV with my brother wouldn't seem like such a big deal to many people, but it is a rare and special occasion for me. I wish we could have more moments like this, but I am just glad for this one chance.

By the time I am finished eating I can hear my father's car pull into the driveway and know that my time with Jason has been cut short. Jason gives me an apprehensive look.

“Jen... hurry into the kitchen so dad doesn’t catch you,” he says and hands me his plate quickly. Taking his plate, I practically run into the kitchen and place the plates in the sink just as the front door opens.

Wetting a wash rag, I begin wiping down the counters to make it look as though I have been doing this all along. Seconds later my father staggers into the room, the smell of beer thick in the air. My stomach cringes at the possibility of what tonight could bring. I hesitantly look towards my father; he’s shooting a glare in my direction and then opens the fridge and takes out another beer. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t need any more to drink, but I keep the comment to myself.

“I’m going to finish the laundry,” I softly say.

“Do I care,” he grunts.

I make my way into the garage and quietly shut the door behind me. Once I reach the dryer, I take out my clothes and it doesn't take me long to fold them. Taking them into my room, I have to fight with my dresser drawers but eventually I get my clothes put away. It is times like this when I am grateful for the fact that I don't have a ton of clothing.

Walking back downstairs, I go into the living room only to feel a hand grab the back of my shirt and yank me backward. I land hard on my ass and can't help but let out a groan of pain and frustration. _Why can’t he just leave me alone...for one night_ , I think to myself as he grabs my arm. My father lifts me to my feet and drags me into the kitchen. Pushing me down to my knees, he walks over to one of the cabinets and throws a sponge down onto the floor in front of me. I look up at him in question and he simply rolls his eyes in annoyance, as if I am automatically supposed to know what he wants me to do.

"Clean the floor, you moron! It needs to be scrubbed, and I want it spotless," he yells in a demanding voice.

Slowly, I rise to my feet and grab the mop bucket from the broom closet. I fill the bucket with water and add some Pine Sol before dropping to my knees once again and beginning to scrub the floor.

“Put some elbow grease into it boy,” he says as he punches me in the shoulder. Thankfully he can't see my face because I just rolled my eyes and I know that action would have only pissed him off and gave him an excuse to beat me more. Not that he ever needs one.

He sits down on one of the chairs and watches intently as I scrub the floor. I can't help but let out a sigh because I know this chore is going to take me forever to finish. I only have a small sponge, and I have to scrub the entire floor using all my strength. His watchful eyes don’t make the situation any easier; they simply make me nervous and uncomfortable. At this rate, this task is going to take me hours to complete and I know he won't be happy about it.

  
~*~   


  
As expected, it took me forever to finish scrubbing the kitchen floor. I didn't get to sleep until close to midnight. My father stayed awake until I was done, meaning I had no chance for a break. By the time I was finished my hands were hurting badly. Of course, he hit me a couple times for taking too long, but I didn't expect any less from him. Thankfully he didn’t do anything like he did this morning, being on my hands and knees I was very nervous that it would give him some... ideas.

Going to school today seems like a repeat of yesterday, I once again wish I was anywhere but here. I can see Jared off in the distance, talking to none other than Sandy and the sight just sends a pain into my chest. It was just a few days ago we saw her at Pizza Hut, her glaring eyes, now she’s talking to Jared like she didn’t see us together there. I have no idea what they could possibly be talking about and, for my own sake, I tell myself I don't want to know.

As I walk, I continue looking in his direction, wishing it was me he was talking to. He glances towards me and I quickly look away, butterflies in my stomach when he gives me that look. I wish that I could tell what he was thinking, that I could hold him and tell him everything would be okay, but the truth is I don’t know if it will ever be okay again.

Instead of bothering myself with all these thoughts of Jared, I make my way over to Mike, who happens to be by his locker. I give him my best smile when he notices me. The fact that my smile is fake doesn't matter because he seems happy to see it. Maybe I should cheer myself up for my friends' sake, because I am sure they have better things to do than worry about me. I need to cheer up anyway; I won't let this thing with Jared tear me down.

“Hey Jenny,” he says and laughs knowing I hate that nickname... at least when he says it.

“What’s up Mike,” I say continuing to walk to my locker.

As soon as he has his things in his locker he follows me to mine. I see Jared walking down the hall and quickly pull Mike toward our homeroom. He gives me a questioning glance, of course, but doesn't push me to tell him the reason for my sudden action.

“Would you mind changing seats with me today Mike?” I asked once inside our homeroom.

“Sure Jen...” he says hesitating, but then not asking anything further.

When Jared enters the room he looks disappointed to see me sitting at a different table. He has no choice but to sit next to Mike in his usual seat. I chance a quick look at him and he stares straight at me, eyes boring into me, until he looks away with a sad expression. I feel bad for disappointing him, but, then wonder why he would be disappointed in the first place? Isn't this what he wanted? He’s the one that broke up with me... he’s the one that gave up on us. I am only giving him what he wanted; I need to slightly distance myself from him. This is truly difficult when all I want to do is be near him, to feel his arms around me and reassure me that everything is going to be okay, but I have to remember that it’s not going to happen. No matter how much I want it to, so as tough as it is I have to push him away, I must force myself to do this.

I finished all my homework, so I have some free time in homeroom and find myself extremely bored. My mind starts to wander and I can't help but wonder if my life is ever going to get any easier. I am not just talking about my home life either; I'm talking about everything in general. My father, Jared, the way I am treated at school... will anything ever change? Will I ever receive the love and respect I long for, or am I going through life holding onto a hopeless dream? I try to think of things in my life that I can use to hang on... to make each day a bit more bearable. Jason and I have become a lot more close than we were in the past and for that I am extremely thankful. He has grown to be a great brother and someone that I can count on. Jared was my other saving grace; now that I have lost him...I just hope that I can find the strength to hang on, to not lose hope.

  
~*~   


  
I walk down the hall at a crawling pace and stare intensely at the ground, feeling so damn depressed and lonely. Today has been hell for me so far and it’s only half over. I have to try my best to avoid Jared at all costs, but for some reason it seems like he has been trying to talk to me all morning. It could just be my imagination tormenting me once again, placing absurd thoughts in my head so I will possibly hold on to false hope. I am not letting it get the best of me, though, because even if Jared wanted to get back together I don’t know if I could accept. This whole situation has affected what little trust I had, and I don't know if I could take him back even if I wanted to. I mean, what if he all of a sudden changed his mind again if things got a bit rough? It is very possible that our relationship was doomed from the very beginning.

I let out a sigh and try to rush past the nurse's office when I see her standing in the doorway; intently watching the students as they pass by. It seems as though she is searching for someone in particular, and this deep feeling in the pit of my stomach says that person is me. It is just my luck when she spots me and calls out to me.

“Jensen can I see you for a moment please,” she says waving me over to her office. I try to pretend that I don't see or hear her annoying voice, but she keeps calling out my name and there is no way I can avoid her forever.

Reluctantly, I turn around and make my way over to her; purposely taking my time. When I am finally standing in front of her, I let out a sigh and look at her expectantly. She places a warm smile on her face and I find it hard to decipher whether it is fake or genuine.

"It has been a while since the last time we talked. How have you been?" she asks, eyes going to the bruise on my cheek.

"I've been fine; you don't have to check up on me you know. I am a big boy," I say with a groan of frustration.

"Well, I noticed the cut on your eyebrow a few days ago; nice to see it's healing so well," she says suspiciously.

"As much as I am enjoying this conversation, I would like to go to lunch. Am I free to go?" I ask flippantly.

“You know, Jensen, as much as you feel like I am hounding you or spying on you; I only care about your well being. It’s my job if I see something suspicious to follow up,” she says bending down to look into my eyes.

“Why is it suspicious that a young man comes to school with a few bruises? Boys get in fights all the time; I don’t see you hounding the other guys in the school,” I say, going to stand up. “I am not the most popular kid in school, it’s not a secret that I have some ‘enemies’ here, but it’s nothing that I can’t handle on my own,” I add.

She nods her head reluctantly and I leave her standing in the doorway of her office. I am just glad to be away from her and that conversation she forces me to engage in every so often. Although I am not sure how long she is going to keep believing my lies.

I just wish she would leave me alone, but I guess that is too much for me to ask for. As long as my father continues leaving bruises and cuts in exposed areas, she will keep asking these questions.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you practically all day," Milo says as he slaps me on the back.

A half cry, half yelp rips through my throat and instantly tears fill my eyes. I knew this was going to happen eventually. My father whips me often now and it was only a matter of time before one of my friends hit me on the back.

Milo looks at me with wide eyes and steps back a few steps after my outburst. A concerned expression takes over his face and everyone is staring at me in confusion. I smile sheepishly and tell Milo that I recently hurt my back. Thankfully, he doesn't question me, though he still seems shocked by my actions. I can tell that my cry of pain has him thinking, so I quickly say I will see him later and then walk away. My back is now aching in the most irritating way and I know there is nothing I can do about it.

"Wait up Jen I want to talk to you," I hear Jared call out from behind me.

Automatically I stop walking and turn around just as Jared catches up to me. He takes me by the sleeve of my hoodie and leads me outside. I am curious to know what he wants to talk about.

He leads me to a secluded area in front of the school and smiles at me shyly. My heart jumps at the close proximity that we have. I can smell his cologne and I close my eyes, remembering just a few days ago in his room.

_“God Jared... I love how you smell,” I say inhaling deeply as he runs his hands up my bare back._

_“I know... why do you think I wear this cologne,” he says slyly and licks up my neck. I shudder as his finger tips brush the front of my pants, I can feel how hard I am, how uncomfortable it is. I shift a bit beside him and press myself more against his strong hand, grinding my hips upwards._

_“Jen... you are so hard,” he says breathlessly into my ear. “I... I have never...” he starts to say and then bends his head into my shoulder._

_“What Jay?” I ask kissing his cheek softly._

_“I have never felt... I mean, besides my own,” he says eyes wandering down to the hard line on the front of my extremely tight jeans._

_Embarrassed I place my hand over the front of myself, willing it to go down. “I haven’t either,” I say shyly._

_Jared grabs my hand away. “No Jen... I like it. I like the feeling of you. How hard you are when I touch you,” he says and goes in for another deep kiss. He moves his hands to my head and pulls me in close so that he can align our bodies. Our cocks line up and he presses hard into me, pulsing his hips forward. I moan lightly as I shift and lift my hips up to meet his._

“Jensen?” Jared says clearing his throat.

I shake my head, feeling myself _growing_ with the memory. I immediately place my backpack in front of me and feel my face go red.

“What is it you wanted to talk to me about,” I ask trying to get my mind off of that day... and the hardness that is pressing up against my backpack.

I watch as he shifts from one foot to the other nervously and I try to wait patiently for him to start speaking. His nervous habit leaves me feeling impatient, though, and I wish he would just get out whatever he has on his mind. Whatever it is, though, seems to be hard for him to say because he keeps opening his mouth like he is going to say something only to end up closing it again.

I hesitate for a moment before finally placing my hand on his upper arm and immediately he looks into my eyes. I can't stop myself from blushing under his intense stare.

“Whatever it is... you can tell me Jared,” I softly say to him.

He releases an uneasy sigh and I remove my hand from his arm.

With an unsure expression, he finally opens his mouth to speak and this time words actually come out.

"Jensen, I've made a huge mistake," he says with a sigh but never takes his eyes off me. "I know I can't take it back, but I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for how I've been acting, and for breaking up with you that day. You mean so much to me, and I hate myself for what I did," he says looking ashamed.

To say I am shocked to be hearing this would be an understatement. I never thought he would apologize or regret breaking up with me.

“Jared... you don’t know what you want,” I say taking a deep breath, feeling a bit annoyed with his changing mind. “Do you have _any_ idea how hard it was for me to open up to you, it was a chance I was taking telling you how I truly felt. When I learned you felt the same... Jared you mean everything to me. When you broke up with me... it was like you were giving up on me... on us. Why?” I ask, chest feeling tight.

"I don't know how to describe it other than I was weak and scared. Everything felt like it was falling apart so quickly. My mom finding us, then coming to school and being faced with all that was just overwhelming to me. I felt like I was losing everything I had and that terrified me, so I ran away,” he said quietly. “I am ashamed of myself and realize I made the biggest mistake of my life. I can't live without you Jensen, I won’t. I know that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, and if you don’t ever want to talk to me again then I guess I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting every word I uttered to you the other day,” he says with a choked sob. “I know nothing I can say will make you trust me again. I promise you though... if you can find it in your heart to forgive me... I’ll never let you down again. I’ll never walk away from you... ever,” he brushes his hand against mine and gives me a pleading look.

It’s all I can do to stop myself from pulling him into my arms, I’m kidding myself if I say that I don’t want Jared. I love him and I know that he has never done anything to intentionally hurt me.

“Please don't give up on me yet; don’t tell me it’s too late. I was being stupid, I know that, and I am _so_ sorry for hurting you," he says and breaks down, tears rolling down his cheeks.

I run my hand down his back, feeling him shake under my touch. I feel so terrible, my heart is bleeding for him, but I am so scared that something like this could happen again.

"Jared I know that you didn’t intentionally hurt me... but you did. How do I know that this isn’t going to happen again? That you won’t run at the first sign of trouble? I couldn’t take it... I mean, if you left me again Jared I don’t know what I would do,” I say feeling vulnerable.

"I know I screwed up, but I'm asking for a second chance," he says. "Everything with my mom, school, and Milo... it all just really got to me. I’m not strong like you Jen,” he says looking down at me.

I am completely shocked at his words... he thinks that I am strong. He has no idea how badly I need him and that _he_ is the reason that I am strong. Without him in my life I don’t think I would even bother. That my love for him carries me through my days and my tortured nights.

“I need you Jen... I have to have you in my life,” he says softly leaning into me. “I just hope I'm not too late. I was afraid of losing everyone, but I realize now that if they can't accept us then I don't need them in my life. I don't care what everyone here at school thinks either; their opinions aren't the ones that count. You are all I care about, and I don't want to lose you. You're the only person I would be willing to lose everything for. As long as I have you I will have everything I will ever need," he finally says.

Every word cuts me deep inside and makes what I have to do that much more difficult. He honestly means everything to me, and he obviously wants to be with me, but I don't think that I can let him be that close to me again... I don’t think I can take the chance of things going badly again, it would kill me. He is all I have ever wanted, but it just seems as though it was never meant to be. Even though I want so desperately to be with him again, I know I have to let him go.

"I... I’ve always loved you Jared, always will. You... you are the reason I’m so strong, but I just... You hurt me. More than anyone and I just... I’m sorry,” I practically whisper, feeling as though I am bleeding inside. "Just let me go, please let me go."

An expression overcomes his face that I can only describe as fear/shame/hurt/pain all rolled up into one. I see his chest shake as he takes a deep breath and wipes at the tears that have fallen over his cheeks. He reluctantly nods his head in understanding.

I ball up my fists, digging my nails into my palms so I won’t reach up and brush his tears away. With a sad smile I begin to walk away. As I turn to watch him go back inside the school I see him stagger to a nearby bench and sit down. I see his shoulders shake uncontrollably and it’s all I can do to stop myself from running to him and embracing him. With an aching heart, I walk away from the one I love. I round the corner to the school and finally break down emotionally.


	24. Regret

This weekend has been horrible for me, as usual, and my last conversation with Jared has been haunting me. I spent the whole weekend, when I wasn’t doing chores, laying in my bed wishing I had a time machine to take me back to Friday afternoon. Wishing that I wouldn’t have had to see Jared break down, see him so broken and know that I was the cause. I thought a lot about that day and a big part of me regrets rejecting him. It was a knee jerk reaction, I was hurt and the first thing that I have always done is to push everything and everyone away and retreat within myself. How could I think for even a second that I could let him go? God... I love him so much it hurts. It is possibly the stupidest move I have ever made, yet I don't know how to make things right.

After I finish washing the last desert bowl, I turn off the water and dry my hands on a piece of paper towel. It is almost time for me to leave for school, so I head up to my room and put on my boots. My nice clothes are dirty so I have to wear my ripped jeans and hole filled t-shirt. I don't really care how I look, though, because I am not trying to impress anybody. If people don't like how I am dressed then that is their problem.

My father left a little earlier for work today thankfully, so he isn't here to harass me before I leave for school. He will be here when I get home from school though, so I have to make sure I am not late. He has been pretty decent to me lately so I don't want to give him a reason to 'punish' me. He seems to be pretty busy with work lately so that might be the only reason for him giving me a break for once, but I’ll take what I can get.

I quickly grab my backpack and head out the door, really not looking forward to going to school after what happened between Jared and me on Friday, but I can’t hide forever. When I step outside I’m surprised that it’s actually a beautiful day. The sun is shining bright in the clear blue sky and the sun is warm on my face.

  
~*~   


  
By the time I actually reach the school it is almost time to head to homeroom. I don't care though; it was nice feeling the hot sun beating down on me.

Spotting my friends standing by the entrance to the building, I make my way over to them and instantly notice Jared has a smile waiting for me. I smile slightly in return, my heart beating extra loud in my chest. I want so badly to tell him what a huge mistake I made, but I don’t say anything.

Coming to stand beside Tom I see Jared shift slightly from foot to foot, an awkward silence falls over the group. I wish I could say something to ease the tension, yet I am left speechless when it comes to words. I don't know how to fix this and that disturbs me.

"So, how was your weekend Jensen?" Milo asks me, sounding genuinely interested.

"It was alright, nothing exciting. What about you?" I ask to be polite.

"I met this really hot girl at the skate shop. Of course, I didn't have the guts to ask her out,” he says with his head slightly bent down. “We talked for a while though and apparently she goes there all the time, so I'm sure you already know where I'll be spending most of my time," he says with a chuckle.

I let out a laugh and smile. "That's great man. I hope everything works out for you," I say and start to head inside.

Just as we get inside the doors the bell rings and before I can utter a single word Jared is gone. I let out a sigh and slowly make my way into the building, wishing things were different but not knowing what I can do to change what has already happened.

  
~*~   


  
Taking my eyes away from the poem I am currently writing I rub them tiredly and look around the school yard. The ending of this poem is really frustrating me, the words just don’t want to come out; even though I know what it is I want to say.

Everything that has been going on between Jared and me is tormenting my mind, so I figured it would be a good idea to get my thoughts out onto paper. Now if only I could speak these thoughts aloud to Jared, but I am afraid he will reject me like I did him. I know I would deserve it if he did, but I can't seem to muster up enough courage to tell him I want to be with him. Why I ever told him to let me go I can't begin to fathom.

Letting out a deep sigh, I turn my gaze to the paper once again and search deep within my mind for words to complete this poem. I seriously think I should just give up for now and try again later.

I hear a familiar voice and instantly lift my head. Jared is standing a few feet away with Tom, and when he catches my gaze he quickly turns away. Automatically, words form in my head and I quickly write them down before I forget them. A few lines later the poem is finished and I smile satisfyingly. All I needed was to see Jared for inspiration to hit me.

I quickly close my binder when I feel a pair of eyes peering over my shoulder and reading the poem. Chad gives me a half smile and rolls his eyes as he comes to sit beside me. Staring at my face intently for a moment, he finally opens his mouth to speak.

“Instead of writing that shit down... why don’t you just tell him,” he says nudging my shoulder.

“I... I think it’s too late for that now,” I say and look in Jared’s direction.

I know that Chad’s right, I should talk to Jared, it’s just that I don’t have the guts. I don’t have the confidence to make that move.

I look over at Jared, he looks really good today, and I can’t help but notice him laughing at something Tom has said. I wonder why I am waiting so long to talk to him, to tell him what a mistake I made. He still wanted to be with me three days ago, so I don’t think his feelings would change that quickly. I guess there is only one way I am going to find out.

Turning to Chad with a wide smile on my face, he motions for me to go to Jared and almost instantly I am walking in that direction. When Jared notices me, a nervous expression crosses his face but he looks happy to see me nonetheless. I stop a few feet in front of him and smile shyly. Tom takes the hint and with a smile he leaves us alone to talk.

For a few moments an awkward silence is all that is shared between us. I am unsure how to start this conversation.

"So, was there something you wanted to talk about?" Jared asks finally, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, there is... I... Well, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for what I said the other day.”

"You don't have to apologize Jensen,” he says softly, guilty expression on his face. “I hurt you... badly, and I understand why you said what you did,” he adds.

“I... I was hurt and I felt betrayed so I lashed out at you. It’s not easy for me to trust people and with you I really opened myself up. I was afraid that I was going to get hurt again,” I say and take a step towards him. “This weekend though... I realized I don't want you to let me go Jay,” I whisper.

A few minutes of silence pass until I add, “I was just scared. You mean a lot to me, and I have wanted to be with you too long to just give up on us that easily," I say with a shy, nervous smile on my face.

I take that moment to look at Jared, to see if he understands what I am saying. He goes to open his mouth, and then closes it again. A single tear flows down his cheek.

"I honestly didn't think you would say any of this. I had thought there was no chance left," he says as a smile slowly grows on his face. "You're seriously willing to give me... us another try?"

"More than willing...," I whisper softly. "Jared, will you go out with me?" I say trying not to laugh at the cheesiness of that line.

Without uttering a single word, he pulls me into his arms and embraces me tightly. I take this to mean 'yes' and I lean in and inhale his scent deeply. I have missed being in his arms, I wasn't sure I would ever get the chance to feel this again and now that I am _here_... I never want to let go.

Slowly we pull out of the hug and I take his hand in mine. He smiles warmly at me and slowly begins to lean in; my eyes close automatically as I feel his hot breath on my cheek. When I feel Jared pull back I open my eyes and let out a sigh when Tom approaches us before Jared can kiss me. When I turn to face Tom, I see all our friends standing there with smiles on their faces and I can't help but blush in embarrassment. I am caught off guard when Milo pulls both of us into a tight hug.

"I'm so glad you guys worked things out." Milo says before releasing us and I watch as a look of shame grows on his face. "I'm so sorry for what I said," he adds.

"I thought you couldn't handle us being together," Jared says curiosity in his tone.

"Like I already told Jensen, it will take some adjusting but I'll be cool about it. I felt like I took part in the reason for your break up and couldn't handle the guilt. I'm sorry for being a jerk. I'm really happy for you guys. You're my best friends and I'll support you no matter what."

"That really means a lot to me Milo, thank you," Jared says with a smile. I am just so glad everything is working out.

After talking some more, the guys head into the building and Jared once again pulls me into his arms. I lean in and close my eyes laying my head on his shoulder in contentment. I open my eyes however when he pulls away and gently runs his hand down my face. Looking intently into his eyes, I place my hand on the back of his neck and capture his lips with my own. The kiss is gentle and not at all rushed. His lips are barely touching mine, giving it a feather light sensation, yet I still feel breathless.

Slowly, he pulls away only to stare deeply into my eyes. I blush under the intensity of his stare and he smiles.

“God... you’re gorgeous you know that,” he says.

This makes me blush even more, so I playfully hit his arm.

“Shut up,” I tease.

He laughs and it is the best thing I have heard in a long time. I can't help but smile when he takes my hand in his and leads me over to a bench. We sit down close to one another with his arm wrapped around me and I snuggle in against his warm body.

"So, do you have any special plans today?" Jared asks casually.

"Nope, no plans. What about you?" I ask back.

He stares at me in disbelief and I just look back at him in confusion, feeling sort of uncomfortable; unsure why he is looking at me that way. I don't see anything strange in what I just said, so he shouldn't be looking at me like that, at least I don't see a reason for it.

"You're kidding, right?" he says incredulously.

"No, why?" I ask, utterly confused.

"Jensen, today's your birthday, you're telling me you have no plans at all?"

My eyes widen in realization and an embarrassed smile forms on my face.

"Oh God, I completely forgot! I... I'm sure there are plans for tonight. I'm such a dumbass," I say and pull away from him.

"I can't believe you forgot your own birthday!" He exclaims with an amused smile; trying desperately not to laugh.

"Yeah, that is pretty bad." I say while flushing slightly.

"Hey, don't feel too bad, I'm sure you've just had a lot going on lately." He says, trying to make me feel better. "Come with me, I have something for you."

He once again grabs hold of my hand and makes me stand up. He practically drags me into the school I don't mind because he looks so excited and I find it to be adorable. When we finally reach his locker it takes him a minute to get it open because his hands are fumbling with the lock. Once he finally manages to get it open, he hands me three neatly wrapped presents with a wide, proud smile on his face.

“You got me something,” I say in disbelief.

“Of course I did,” he says. “You think I would forget my best friend’s birthday? Even if we weren’t boyfriends, I planned on giving you these anyway,” he says shyly.

“Jay... you shouldn’t have,” I say.

He gives me a look that clearly says, ‘Shut up and be happy’. I take the gifts and carefully open the first present. When I finally get it open I quickly look up at Jared as I hold up the black leather bracelet. He takes it out of my hands and puts it on my wrist for me.

Before I can thank him for it he rushes me to open the next present. I happily oblige and find an ebony box. Taking the top off, I can’t help but grin when I see a simple silver cross necklace inside. Once again, Jared takes my present out of my hands and clasps the necklace around my neck.

I smile appreciatively at him before opening the last present. My eyes widen at the sight before me and I look up at Jared in amazement. He just lowers his head with a blush on his cheeks. I look back down at the forest green picture frame in my hands and smile at the sight of Jared and me with our arms around each other's shoulders. This picture was taken at the beginning of the school year; Jared had been forcing everyone to take pictures with him.

"I... I don’t know what to say,” I say, feelings overwhelming me. “Thank you... God thank you so much Jay. I've never had such a great birthday in my life. I absolutely love everything you've given me," I say with tears of joy in my eyes.

No one has ever done so much for me on my birthday, not even my mother, and in a way I feel as though I don't deserve it, but I am so very grateful nonetheless.

"You're welcome Jensen, I'm just glad you like everything. I wasn't sure if the picture would be a bit too much, but I'm glad to know it wasn't," he says with a wide smile and adds, "Happy Birthday Jen!”

  
~*~   


  
Before I walk into my house I take off my bracelet and necklace so my father won't see them, I don't want him to take them away. After they are safely in my backpack, I enter my home and find my father sitting in the living room watching football. Not wanting to disturb him, I walk up to my room and drop my backpack on my cot. My father is in the doorway when I turn around and that familiar sickly feeling settles in the pit of my stomach. Ever since I remembered what he did to me when I was younger, and what he did to me in the kitchen, I haven't been able to be in the same room with him without feeling sick and uneasy.

With a glare and a grunt, he orders me to go mop the kitchen. I walk past him with an inaudible sigh, heading downstairs and then into the kitchen. Once I have some water and cleaner in a bucket, I take the mop out of the closet and begin my chore. The floor isn't very dirty though, so it won't take me that long to get it clean.

I look up from cleaning when my father enters the room.

"You're not cleaning right, you moron. You move the mop counter clockwise and make sure you get all the dirt, make sure even the hard to reach places are spotless," he says with a smirk, he simply loves to make everything difficult for me.

"Yes sir," I reply politely and I thank God when he leaves the kitchen.

With a heavy sigh I continue cleaning the kitchen floor. It doesn’t take long for me to start to feel very depressed. Even though Jared made me feel more special than ever today, I can’t help but wish that my mom was here. I usually don't have to do anything on my birthday but that has suddenly changed. Plus, my mom always went out of her way to make me feel special on this day. Now I just wish it would pass by quickly.

She should be here with me, instead she’s God knows where. I wonder if she is thinking of me and wishing she were here. I am not expecting to get a call from her just so she can wish me a happy birthday, but damn do I wish I would receive that unexpected call.

I guess I should just give up on wishing she will ever come back. I have the sinking feeling I will never see her again.

  
~*~   


  
I sit perfectly still on the kitchen chair as my father yells at me for once again making a horrible dinner. I honestly don't think I did _that_ bad of a job, but, then again, he never likes anything I make. He is pacing back and forth with a look of pure anger on his face; I get the feeling all his anger isn't entirely my fault.

He stops his movements abruptly and turns ice cold eyes on me. I try not to look intimidated but am sure my attempt has failed. Luckily, I move just in time when he throws his beer bottle at my head and it smashes against the wall. I can't stop my body from trembling as he stalks out of the room and moments later I hear the front door slam. I know he is heading to the bar, so I don't have to worry about him coming home for a couple of hours.

Once I get my trembling under control, I get the broom and dust pan out of the closet so I can clean up the glass. As soon as I have it all cleaned up and thrown in the trash I force my tired body up the stairs. I lightly shut my bedroom door behind me before collapsing onto my cot. I am planning on going to bed but Jason interrupts me when he knocks on my door. I sit up just as he enters the room.

"Hey Jen, I just wanted to say happy birthday and give you your present," he says as he places a package on my cot.

I quickly open the gift and find his portable CD player.

"You can't possibly be giving me this," I say. He simply nods his head.

"Jason, I can't take this, it's yours," I reply.

"I have a stereo in my room and besides, you can easily hide it in your backpack... Dad will never know," he says with a persuasive smile.

"Are you sure about this?" I ask, slightly reluctant.

"Of course, I want you to have it."

I can't help but be very touched by this. He is such a great kid and never fails to amaze me. I quickly pull him in for a hug and, in my most sincere voice, thank him endlessly. He simply smiles and asks if he can stay with me for a while. I would never turn down a chance to spend time with him, so obviously I say yes.

I pull out the gifts that Jared got me and show them to him. I can see a smile playing across his lips.

“What?” I ask.

“He’s already giving you jewelry,” he snickers. “I thought you gave that on your one year anniversary,” he laughs and lies back on my cot.

“Oh shut up,” I blush.

“He really loves you doesn’t he Jen,” he says turning over to me.

“Yeah... and so do I,” I say a bit embarrassed to be talking to my ten year old brother about this.

“I’m glad you have him Jen,” he says taking notice of one of my old notebooks.

He opens it up and begins pointing out various drawings that he is clearly proud of. I simply sit back with a smile on my face and enjoy the expressions that cross my baby brother's face.


	25. Road Trip

I awake slowly to the loud buzz of my alarm clock; I don’t want to abandon the dream I was just having. Jared and his warm skin against mine, but I reach blindly to shut off the annoying buzzing sound. Once I have finally accomplished this I open my eyes and release a sigh. I feel something stirring in my groin area. I turn over onto my back and slowly reach my hand down my smooth stomach. I stop just above the waist band, looking down where my thin pyjama pants are tented. This is the second day in a row I have woken up like this, Jared on my mind and this ‘trembly’ feeling all over me. I take my hand and let it slip inside. It feels so good when I wrap my fist around myself and move slowly at first up and down. I turn my head into my pillow as I move my hand from base to tip, varying speed and tightness. I twist my wrist when I get to the slippery tip, thumb swiping in the liquid pooled there, smearing it over the engorged head. I let out a moan as I can feel my climax close, tightening in my belly. A few more fast upward strokes and I cum all over my bare chest... saying Jared’s name over and over again like a mantra. My body feels sated and relaxed and I don't feel like getting out of bed today. I just want to lie around all day and neglect all of my responsibilities, think about Jared and how his lips feel against mine. I let out a groan, knowing my father would never allow that. I use my old t shirt to wipe up the drying cum on my stomach and swing my legs over the edge of my cot and slowly sit up. Wiping the sleep from my eyes, I stand up and make my way over to my dresser and slowly get dressed.

Today I have the pleasure of wearing a pair of ripped cargos and a stained t-shirt. My nice clothes are currently in line to be washed and I will have to do so as soon as I get home from school. I only have a couple of outfits so I have to wash my clothes every two days otherwise I would have to wear dirty clothes to school. That is the last thing I would want to do so I make sure to get my laundry done. If I don't do it, who would?

Placing my boots on my feet, I walk out of my room and head into the bathroom. My hair is sticking up in all directions so I am quick to wet it down with water before brushing it out. I would like to spike it up but my father won't buy me any hair glue or gel. I really should shave my head again; it is so much easier having a buzz cut. Maybe I will get Jason to help me. I will have to do it when father isn't here.

After I am done fixing my hair and brushing my teeth, I spray my body with cologne, the kind that Jared likes, before heading downstairs. Father is sitting at the kitchen table and he looks up from his newspaper briefly when I enter the room. Without having to be told, I get to work on the desert dishes from last night. There are only two bowls and three spoons, so it really won't be very difficult at all.

"I have to work late tonight, so don't worry about making me a plate of food. Just make some food for Jason,” he grunts before adding. “And... Well, you can have small portions of everything. Don't even think about taking more than usual though, because you know I will find out," he says the last part loudly, but not even looking up from his paper.

"I won't take any more than I am allowed. I will let Jason decide what he wants for dinner," I say softly, unsure if I should have spoke.

"Good idea, but don't make anything too big. You don't need a steak for just the two of you," he blurts.

I don't respond because I don't feel it is necessary. I am blown away, however, by how civil he is being towards me. He hasn't raised his voice very much this morning. I don't know how to feel about this. I’m almost more scared of how nice he’s being. Is he trying to trick me, make me feel a false sense of security, or is he being sincere? It would probably be best that I don't think too much about it because I might let my guard down when I shouldn't.

I simply nod my head and finish washing my last spoon. As soon as that is done I turn to my father and am thankful when he says that I can leave for school. I head up to my room to grab my backpack before leaving the house. When I am at a good distance from my home I pull my walkman out of my backpack and place the headphones on. Turning the volume up quite loud I begin my walk to school.

As I am about to round the corner on my way to the school a hand is on my shoulder and I nearly jump out of my skin in fright. Before I fall to the ground a pair of arms wrap around my waist and keep me on my feet. As soon as I regain my balance I remove the arms and turn around to face their owner.

"Man, you're jumpy," Jared says with a smirk.

"Fuck Jay... you scared the shit out of me,” I say in a panted breath. “You would be too if you had music blocking everything out," I say sarcastically but soon a smile quickly forms on my face.

"Well, my day has definitely brightened," he responds.

"Why do you say that?" I inquire curiously.

He smiles happily. "Because the first person I see is you," he says and leans in for a warm syrupy kiss.

Deep crimson floods my cheeks.

“Shut up,” I say playfully pushing him away, but inside wanting to hold onto him forever. I take his hand in mine and gently pull to make him start walking again. Laughter is released from him but he begins walking nonetheless, even though he is kind of clumsy because he is laughing. A pleasurable shiver runs down my spine when he leans into me and I wrap my arm around his waist. This is what I love about being with him; just being close to him brightens my spirits.

Carefully, he takes my walkman out of my hand and examines it. I keep glancing at him as we walk, trying to figure out what he is thinking. Probably wondering how I got it, I conclude to myself. I know he isn't stupid and is aware that something is going on at my house, only he doesn't know exactly what it is. If I have any say in it, he will never find out. I would hate for him to look at me differently, think of me as weak. I know that will be a difficult task though, especially since I am dating him.

"Where'd you get this?" He asks as he hands my walkman back over to me.

"From my brother, Jason... it was for my birthday," I say with a small smile on my face.

"That was nice of him. He seems like a good kid," he says softly. I nod my head in agreement.

"I'd like to meet him sometime... if that's okay with you," he adds.

I stay silent for a moment as I think this over. "Yeah, I’d like for you to meet him," I say with a small smile.

“I know you two would get along, even though he’s only ten, he has a great sense of humour... like you,” I say and tighten my grip on his hand.

He nods his head and we walk the rest of the way to school in silence.

  
~*~   


  
We reach the school not too much later and I am not too happy to see Sandy McCoy walking in our direction. Sure, I have nothing against the girl, but she did date Jared and I am sure she still likes him. I trust Jared and am sure he doesn't like her in that way anymore, but that doesn't make me feel any less threatened by her.

"Uh, hey guys," she says when she reaches us. I can tell she is nervous. "Jensen, can I talk to you... in private, please?" She says, not looking at all at Jared.

"Sure... um, Jared I'll meet up with you in a minute," I say before leading Sandy in the direction of a bench.

"Look, I know things haven't been great between us and I want to apologize for how I've acted. I was jealous when Jared wanted to be with you. I was angry when I found out he left me for you,” she says hanging her head before continuing. “I've always considered you to be my friend and I still do. I don't want him to come between our friendship," she says smiling shyly.

"Sandy I... I'm sorry about everything when it comes to Jared. I had no idea..." I say in utter shock of what she has just said.

"No, don't be sorry Jen," she interrupts me with a firm look on her face. "I hate to admit it, but even I see that you two are meant to be together. Plus, I know what he sees in you because I see it too."

She blushes as soon as this is said and I find myself at a loss for words. What am I supposed to say in response to that?

"What I'm trying to say is that I'd like to remain friends, if that is okay with you," she continues softly.

"Yeah... yeah, I see no harm in that." I respond with a smile.

"Great, I'm glad we cleared that up," she says happily as she stands up. "Well, I gotta get to class. I'll see you at lunch, though, right?" she turns to ask.

"Yeah, see ya at lunch." I say softly and watch her walk away.

I'm not alone for very long, though, because soon the guys are standing in front of me. They look rather excited about something and I am not all that sure I want to know the reason why. I am pretty sure it can't be anything good because I can tell they have some bright idea on their minds that I really shouldn't go along with.

"Chad just got a car from his parents." Milo explains enthusiastically. "Come on, we're heading out!"

Before I have the chance to utter a single word Jared and Tom are pulling me to my feet and pushing me towards a silver Jetta. As soon as Chad has fired up the engine I glance at all my friends only to find one missing. Sure, Mike wouldn't have fit in here with us, but I know we wouldn't have left him behind. Maybe he is sick or convinced the guys that there wouldn't be enough room for him and decided to stay at school. That doesn't sound like Mike though; usually he would be bouncing with excitement at the idea of ditching. I swear that guy despises education.

"Where's Mike?" I finally whisper to Jared.

He gives me a shrug. "He didn't show up, might be sick or something."

I nod my head in agreement and then suddenly a thought occurs to me. "Or maybe he's running late and we just left him behind without thinking twice about it," I say.

His eyes widen at the idea and is quick to tell Chad to stop by Mike's house. I watch out Jared's window as Chad turns the car around and heads in the direction of Mike's place. Not too much later I see a slim figure walking down the sidewalk and I point him out to Chad. We pull up alongside of the curb and at first Mike just stands there looking warily at the car, until he realizes that it is us.

Mike quickly climbs into the backseat with us and I find myself being more crushed than I was before. I don’t mind though, because now it gives me a reason to snuggle more into Jared than before. I look up at him and he just tightens his arms around me more and places his head on top of mine. This car just wasn't built for six people, especially for the size of us all. I laugh at the thought of how we must look and it draws a few confused expressions from my friends. I blush under their gazes and lower my head in embarrassment.

The feel of a warm hand in my own causes me to lift my head and I come face to face with a smiling Jared. I smile shyly in return and gently squeeze his hand. Mike is talking about Chad's car but Chad doesn't seem as excited as the rest of the guys. I make a mental note to ask him about this. Not that I think he will open up to me, but it is worth a try. Something must be bothering him, because under normal circumstances anyone else would be overjoyed about having their first car.

"So, where are we headed?" Mike finally vocalizes his curiosity. "Obviously you didn't pick me up for school, so inform me on your plan."

"We decided we deserved a break... lunch and maybe the mall. I guess we'll figure something out," Tom answers with a wide smile on his face.

"A mini vacation, huh? Sounds good to me,” Mike responds as he relaxes into his seat the best he can.

Silently I just sit back and watch as my friends carry on a conversation. I am not really focusing on what they are saying, but it feels good to just be in the background and allow their joyful expressions to put my mind at ease.

It is then that I realize Jared is arguing with Chad over what to play in the stereo.   
“House rules Jared, driver picks the music... shot gun shuts his pie hole,” Chad says.

As usual Jared wants to listen to Green Day and won't relent. Chad looks like he is about to explode and I can't help but let out a soft chuckle, I love these guys.

Suddenly, everyone in the car falls silent and stares at Milo in disbelief when they realize that he has slipped _Debbie Gibson_ into the car stereo during the argument. I can no longer hold back my amusement and burst into hysterical laughter. Everyone scowls at me for a moment but when they realize my laughter isn't going to die down any time soon, they eventually join in on my amusement with laughter of their own. All but Milo who, of course, is pouting like a child.

Slowly, our laughter ceases and I take in a deep breath of oxygen for my starving lungs. There is not much room back here in the back seat so I lean back against Jared and can't stop the smile that forms on my face when he wraps his arm once again around my waist. This position isn't very comfortable, for either if us I'm sure, but I am not about to complain. It feels good to just hang out with my friends and be so relaxed with Jared, but I know I must get home on time. I can't allow myself to lose track of time like I did before.

Lazily, I turn my head to look out the window only to have my eyes widen in surprise. I watch the passing scenery in disbelief and silently ask myself why we are leaving town. I look up at Jared for some kind of answer but he just smiles and turns away. Looking at the rest of my friends for an answer, I try to silently get their attention but they don't notice me.

Mike looks over in my direction, and looks to be just as confused as me. He raises one eyebrow in question but all I can do is shrug my shoulders in response. His confusion deepens as a frown forms on his face, and I decide to be the one to ask where we are going because I hope they aren't planning on driving too far.

"Guys, um... what mall are we going to? One out of town or what?" I ask after a moment.

"My parents have a cabin up in the mountains not too far from here in this really small mountain town and I thought we'd go have a little fun up there." Chad answers my question with a smile.

"What time will we be getting home? We won't be getting home too late, will we? I have to be back at the normal time," I say panic clear in my voice.

My father was actually being kind of nice to me today and I don't want to do anything to ruin that.

"Lighten up Jensen, for once just let go of your worries and allow yourself to have some fun," Tom says in a teasing sort of tone, but I can also tell that he is being serious.

I let out a sigh to calm my nerves and slouch back in my seat as much as I can with what little room I have. Jared squeezes my hand reassuringly and I give a weak smile in return. I can tell from the look in his eyes that he wants to ask me about why I am so adamant that we are not late, but he just sits silently; reassuringly holding my hand.

I can't help feeling like I am making a big mistake.

  
~*~   


  
Despite my nervousness, I can't stop the joyous smile that forms on my face at the sight of the town. It kind of reminds me of those small towns seen in movies, the kind that at first glance you wish you could live there. It is nice to feel this comfortable for once, in a town so far away from my father; in a place he doesn't know I am at. For a fleeting moment I can pretend I've run away from home and am now living a happy, free life.

I snap out of my thoughts when the car slows to a stop outside of a cafe. It looks like a pleasant little place; popular too. There are tables set up outside in random areas, only I doubt we will be sitting outside on account of the snow littering the ground.

"Alright, hope you guys are hungry 'cause this place makes the best food." Chad says as he steps out of the car.

We all follow suit and I take the chance to stretch my aching muscles and joints. Jared grabs a hold of my hand and I allow him to lead me into the cafe. Despite the rather cold weather outside, inside the cafe is quite warm and comfortable. The young guy at the counter is rather nice as well and quickly takes our orders. We find a table by one of the windows and I am fortunate to get the seat next to it so I can gaze out at the world outside as people go about their day.

The ground is covered in a white blanket of snow, except for the road, which has been ploughed to keep it from getting icy or difficult to drive on. I must admit that I am in awe over the snow since it never snows in Riverside and the closest I have come to seeing it is through movies and television. It is a perfect pearl white and so smooth that you feel like you wouldn't dare step on it.

Just at that moment the young guy from the counter brings our food to our table and everyone quickly begins eating. A smile forms at the first bite of my turkey and cheese sandwich. As sad as this may sound, I haven't had one of these in the longest time; I didn’t realize how much I have missed it.

"So, what exactly are we going to do at this cabin of yours?" I ask Chad around a mouthful of delicious sandwich.

He chuckles slightly at my actions before answering, "Anything we want... watch movies, play video games, have a snow ball fight, eat 'til we throw up, listen to really loud music, make fun of Milo... anything we want."

I smile at the glare this suggestion earns him from Milo and allow all my worries to melt away as if they were like the snow that litters the ground outside. I allow myself to enjoy the company of my friends, join in on unimportant topics of conversation, enjoy the sandwich I am devouring and savour every touch from Jared. Yes, this seems to be turning out to be a very good day.


	26. Fun & A Confession

We all leave the cafe with full bellies and pile in a heap of rushing limbs back into the car. As soon as we are all settled in, Chad starts the car and backs out of the parking space. I lean back against Jared's shoulder and smile when he wraps his arm around me.

Chad turns off the current CD that is playing and replaces it with Pantera. I don't really recognize the song, but it has a good beat and keeps the silence away. For once I am enjoying my time with my friends, I feel just like any normal teenager would; it feels good.

I am determined not to think about the repercussions that my actions will undoubtedly bring me once I get back home. Not one thought of my father is going to enter my mind while being with my friends. At least, not if I have any say in the matter. Today I am just going to pretend that I am just like every other teenager out there, not a care in the world. I am not the boy who gets beat by his father, I am not the boy whose mother abandoned him and I am certainly not the boy who is treated more like a slave than a son. No, today I am just Jensen, boyfriend of Jared, and this thought alone brings a rare smile to my face.

  
~*~   


  
Before long, we pull up in front of a weathered looking cabin and Chad shuts off the engine. Naturally, he is the first to get out and makes his way slowly to the cabin to unlock the door. He waves at the rest of us and one by one everyone climbs out of the car. Jared gets out and offers me his hand, I blush bright red, but take it and a warm feeling runs up my spine. I start walking up the drive way and all of a sudden lose my footing on the icy drive way. I try to stop myself, but there is nothing around to break my fall so I land flat on my back. I hear a gasp from behind me and wince before my body slides partly beneath the car. Shutting my eyes tightly in embarrassment, I squirm my way out from underneath the vehicle and carefully rise to my feet, cringing as I do.

"Well, everything's okay under there." I say, trying to add some humor to this embarrassing situation.

“Shit Jen, are you alright?” Jared asks and rushes to my side.

“Yeah... fine. Just checking to see if there were any... oil leaks,” I chuckle and brush off the snow that has covered my pants.

“You’re a regular Steve Martin,” joked Tom. “Anything for a laugh... you klutz,” Tom scoffs.

“Hey... lay off Tom, Jen could have really hurt himself,” Jared says defensively.

“I’m fine... really,” I say to him and grab his hand that he offered me.

“Aww... what a sweet couple. Now get your asses in here,” Chad says from the door.

I walk past Chad, grinning like a fool, and as I enter the cabin he ruffles my hair. I quickly flip him off and then smile to myself. He simply chuckles at my actions and follows me into the living room. I go to take a seat on one of the comfortable chairs but jump when Chad hollers at me.

“Umm, I don’t think you’re sitting your wet ass on my furniture Ackles,” he says sarcastically.

“What the hell am I supposed to do... stand here all afternoon,” I say.

“I think I might have some clean jogging pants. My mom always leaves clothes and shit here for when we come up,” he says and disappears into an unknown area of the house.

I take in my surroundings while waiting for Chad to return. The rest of the guys start to look around as well, Jared, however, stays by my side. He puts his arms around me and gently rubs my back.

“You’re freezing,” he says as he takes his coat off and wraps it around me.

“I’m fine... now that you’ve got me,” I say shyly.

Chad comes back a few moments later and throws a pair of grey jogging pants at me and goes to turn on the heater that is in the corner of the living room.

“Here, you can wear these till your pants dry,” he says.

“Where is the bathroom,” I ask, unwinding myself from the warm embrace I am in.

“Down the hall, second door on the left,” he says and goes about showing the other guys the cabin.

“Be right back,” I say to Jared.

“Oh no... You might get lost. I should come with you,” he says and trails behind me, grabbing my waist.

I snicker at him over my shoulder as we head to the bathroom.

“Well, surely you aren’t gonna come in and watch me change, are you?” I ask as he enters the bathroom with me.

“Why... is that a problem? I just wanna make sure that you didn’t really hurt yourself out there,” he says wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“What are you playing at Padalecki,” I laugh.

He pushes me onto the bathroom sink and goes to take off my runners. He looks up at me through his shaggy bangs. Once he has my shoes off he slowly goes to his knees, hands running up my wet jeans till they reach the fly. I close my eyes when I feel his thumb run over the bulge in the front of my pants.

“Doesn’t feel like you broke anything,” he says as he palms himself while rubbing me.

“Nguh,” I moan as I involuntarily push up slightly to get more pressure on that thumb.

I open my eyes and look down at Jared; his bottom lip is caught between his teeth as his hand is massaging up and down his own length.

“You know how long I have wanted to get you alone,” he whispers and comes to kiss me on the lips chastely, before going back to work on my wet jeans.

My mind is racing as he pulls down the zipper over top of my now very hard erection. I let my head fall back against the mirror and lift my ass as Jared rids me of my sodden pants. He tosses them over into the corner of the tiny room and then goes back to his knees. I can feel him stare at me and I feel a hot flush burn my cheeks.

“Jen,” he says and slowly lowers his head and nuzzles me; breathing in deeply before his tongue licks my cotton covered cock. I can feel the trickle of pre-cum soak through the dark material.

“Shiiittt,” I hiss.

I have heard of blowjobs, even gave one reluctantly, but never in my wildest dreams thought that... Jared and I would so quickly... I let that thought go as Jared pulls the front of my underwear down. _Shit, this is all happening way too fast_ , I think to myself as I could feel the beginnings of a panic attack settling in.

“Jared... _please_ ,” I murmur and go to pull my boxers back up over top of myself.

Jared looks up at me and right away can tell that something isn’t right.

“Oh God... Jensen I’m sorry. I just got carried away,” he says standing up, cupping my cheek.

I bend my head down into his hand and in a whisper tell him it’s fine, that it’s not him. He leans in and kisses me softly on the lips, letting his tongue swipe at my bottom lip. I shyly pull away as I feel his ‘enthusiasm’ digging into my thigh. He follows my gaze and turns a nice shade of pink, before placing his head against mine.

We both jump when there is a knock at the bathroom door.

“You two better not be doing anything... _weird_ in there,” comes Chad’s inquisitive voice.

I can’t help but laugh and Jared joins me.

“Just christening the place,” Jared says loudly.

“Oh my God... you’d _better_ be kidding Padalecki,” Chad jeers.

I laugh and quickly hop off the sink and put on the jogging pants. They fall loosely around my hips, slinging low so that the tops of my boxers are showing from the top.

“What?” I ask feeling weird at the way Jared is staring at me.

“Huh?... Oh nothing,” he stutters.

“Why are you looking at me like that,” I say, feeling self conscious.

“I just never realized how thin you were... how your hips look in those jogging pants,” he says and slowly raises his hand to my hip.

I bend my head down feeling embarrassed, trying to pull the pants up so that my hips aren’t showing.

“No,” he says unexpectedly and runs his thumbs over my hips.

I automatically get goose bumps, his thumbs dipping further into the baggy pants and I can feel myself getting hard again.

“Jay... come on, we’d better get going before we...” I say and heave a heavy sigh as he nuzzles his nose against my neck.

“You should keep these, they look really _hot_ on you,” he says leaning in close to me and hooking a finger in the front of them, teasing me before going to open the bathroom door.

I sigh heavily thinking about what almost happened, I love Jared, but I am not ready for that level just yet. Especially after what has happened within the last couple weeks; with Tim and my new found memory of my father. Not to mention the break up with Jared and then the getting back together again. It’s just way too much right now, but thankfully Jared is an understanding guy, that’s what I love about him.

As we venture back out into the living room all the guys are staring at us. I look around at each of them and they have the biggest smiles on their faces. This makes me go redder than I think I have ever gone. Jared laughs as well and pulls me into the love seat that is situated by the fireplace.

I have never had someone who cared so much about me before, or anyone that wanted to be near me like he does. I have never felt so deeply for someone as I do with Jared. He has captured my soul it seems and has given me a sense of belonging. Everything feels right when he is by my side. I have never believed in soul mates, and I am still not sure that I do, but I am sure I have fallen in love with him. I will admit that it is a scary feeling to care for someone so intensely, but I can't deny that I am enjoying the ride, either. I only wish I knew if Jared feels as deeply in return.

Milo finally returns from the kitchen with a can of Mountain Dew in his right hand. He sits down on the last available chair and gives us a wide grin when he notices our eyes upon him. I give a grin of my own in response, while the rest of the guys simply roll their eyes.

Chad stands up and says he is going to make some hot chocolate before leaving the room. I decide this would be a good time to speak with him, so I stand up as well. Jared looks up at me in question.

“You okay Jen?” he asks.

“Yeah fine babe... just gonna help Chad in the kitchen,” I say and bend down for a kiss.   
He questions me no further and places his long leg over my half of the couch.

Chad is busy boiling the water for the hot chocolate but acknowledges my presence with his eyes.

"Chad, can I ask you a question?" I ask after careful consideration.

"Sure, go right ahead," he says nonchalantly as he takes a cup out of the cupboard. "Do you want some cocoa?" he asks taking down more mugs.

"Yeah, sure, sounds good." I answer before asking my question. "You remember when you were talking to us about your car earlier?"

"Of course, what about it,” he asks absentmindedly.

"Well, you didn't sound too happy about having it... why is that?" I ask hesitantly.

He lets out a sigh and glances in my direction before returning his gaze to the kettle.

"Figures you would notice. Nothing gets by you does it Ackles," he says.

"Well, I just figured you'd be happier about having a car, I know I would be." I say while chewing on my lower lip.

"Don't get me wrong, it's great having a car, anyone would be overjoyed. But, you see, my parents are never around. I hardly see them and they never want to bother with me. I feel as though they are trying to buy me off, like these expensive things are going to make up for their absence. It really... really..."

"Hurts," I finish for him sympathetically.

"Exactly! It hurts... a lot." He says with a sigh. “I feel like such pussy complaining because I got a car, but you know Jensen, between you and me... I would rather spend a day with my folks than ride around in that car,” he says and lowers his head.

I look down at the counter; I know exactly how he feels. I would give anything if my mom would come back, if my father would even look at me once the way he is always looking and fawning over Jason. Sometimes it’s just the little things that matter in life.

"Enough about this, though, today we're supposed to be having fun,” Chad says as he’s spooning the cocoa into the cups. I look up, forgetting where I am for the moment and what we were talking about.

“Oh, and by the way, happy belated birthday,” he says. “You get an extra scoop of chocolate,” he snickers.

"Thanks, you really shouldn’t go out of your way just for my birthday though," I laugh and throw a dish towel at him.

“It’s the least I can do, seeing as I wasn’t able to get you anything,” he responds, coming around the counter and putting me in a head lock.

“You are such a loser,” I say wriggling my way out, while trying to hold up loose pants.

Chad hands me a cup and takes one of his own, he holds it up to ‘cheers’ me and we both start to laugh. A few moments later we hear the front door open and slam shut a couple seconds later. We share a confused look and place our mugs on the counter before we make our way to the living room. A smile instantly lights up both of our faces when we see through the window our friends engaged in a snowball fight. We throw open the door to go and join them. Chad runs over and immediately starts to chuck hand fulls of snow in Tom and Milo’s direction. I just stand and laugh at everyone getting hit, until a snowball hits me squarely in the chest. I look up in shock to see a laughing Jared and slowly a mischievous grin works its way onto my face. Jared pauses nervously and then lets out a cry while running away from me as I grab a handful of snow. I focus my eyes on his retreating back before aiming and throwing the snowball, which hits him directly in the back.

He turns around with shock written clearly on his face and I can't help but start laughing happily. I quickly start running in the other direction, however, when the expression on his face turns evil. As I run snowballs are hitting me in the back.

I let out a scream of surprise when a body collides with my own from behind and I find myself falling forward. The impact my body makes with snow covered ground doesn't hurt as much as I expected it to. My face gets pushed into the snow and I let out a gasp when the cold wetness attacks my flesh. I can hear loud laughter around me. As soon as the hands holding my head in place move away, I lift it away from the snow; taking in a large gulp of air. The hands move from my head to my sides, tickling me mercilessly. My laughter rises in pitch as the hands continue their torture and I squirm beneath the body on top of me; trying in vain to get away.

Finally the hands take pity on me and the body over mine raises enough to allow me to turn over onto my back. As soon as I am situated, I look up into the smiling eyes of Jared Padalecki. I allow a smile to form on my face and he happily returns the gesture. Everyone else is busy with the snowball fight they are engaged in and are oblivious to the two of us.

"You want me to get all wet again so you can come dry me off... don’t you,” I say slyly, wiggling my eyebrows at him.

“Yup,” he announces proudly then adds. “Want to go into the cabin for a while?"

I look over in the direction of our friends to see that they are still pre-occupied with the snowball fight and rolling snowballs for what looked like...a snowman. I chuckle to myself and then turn back to Jared.

"Yeah let’s do that," I say holding out my hand so he can help me up.

He smiles at me and helps me stand. My clothes are soaked, not just my pants this time either and it’s very uncomfortable.

“Hey we’re going in to get dry,” Jared calls over his shoulder as we are heading up to the door to the cabin.

All that is heard are woops of laughter, the guys don’t seem like they are coming in anytime soon so I close the door as I enter the cabin.

I sigh as the welcoming warmth greets us. We walk down the hall and Jared opens a door opposite the bathroom. It’s a bedroom and Jared smiles sheepishly and proceeds to shut the door behind us.

Jared backs me up against the door and pins me there. He smiles at me reassuringly before leaning in and kissing me tenderly. I kiss him back hesitantly, since I am still new to all of this, and I wonder if I’m doing it right. He breaks the kiss off and looks me in the eyes. His thumbs come up to run over my cheeks and I feel self-conscious that maybe I’m not that great of a kisser.

He smiles once again and takes me by the hand, slowly leading me forwards... to the bed. All the while, my heart is racing within my chest and shows no signs of slowing down any time soon.

We both sit down on the bed and he runs his hand down the side of my face rather adoringly.

“We better get you out of these wet clothes,” he simply says and goes to take off my second pair of wet pants.

“I don’t think Chad has anymore clothes to lend me,” I chuckle.

My body shivers from me being wet and also from Jared’s hands warm on my skin. I lift my hand to rest upon his and slowly lean in until my lips rest against his. After a moment of slow kisses, getting the feel of each other, he opens his mouth slightly and I tentatively reach out with my tongue to explore his.

He moves his hand to the back of my head, applying more pressure as he kisses me more passionately. His tongue pushes back against my own as he slowly eases me onto my back. He then proceeds to lay half of his body over mine and I gasp when his lips move to my very sensitive neck. A tremble runs through my body when his hand roams my chest through my shirt, making both my nipples turn to hard pebbled nubs. I can feel his lips turn upward in a smile; he is pleased with the reaction he received.

His hand continues to get familiar with my taut stomach underneath my t-shirt and then resumes kissing my neck. I can feel him suck and nibble there then he moves onto my shoulder. I can’t stop my own hands from creeping up his back and under his shirt. I can feel his muscles quiver from my slightest touch, so I become bolder and pull the shirt over his head. I then grab his ass and squeeze sensually.

“Oh God, Jensen,” he moans.

I put my right hand into the back of his jeans, feeling his smooth warm skin.

All of a sudden I tremble unpleasantly when his hand runs over my ribs. He hasn't hurt me, is being far too gentle, but I am certain there are bruises and I am afraid he will push too hard and I will end up crying out in pain. There is no way I want him to find out about them, who knows what his reaction would be.

Luckily for me, his hand moves away from my ribs fairly quick and returns to playing with my nipples. I moan in response to this unknown feeling and arch my back in pure pleasure. My hands quickly move to his head, lifting it slightly as my mouth quickly claims his lips. He moans into my mouth causing me to shiver with desire. He continues to lovingly torture my chest in the most delicious way and I tilt my head to the side to deepen the kiss further, giving us easier access to one another’s mouths. He tastes like cinnamon and I could kiss him for hours given the chance.

I am caught unaware when he grabs my forearm and I cry out in pain. Immediately, he moves away with shocked eyes and I look away in shame.

“Shit Jensen... did I hurt you?” He asks.

He didn't grab me too hard, but it was hard enough to aggravate the still healing burn my father gave me when he forced my arm onto the hot stove.

“No... it’s just,” I start to say until Jared turns my arm over and sees the scarring wound.

"My God, Jensen, how did this happen?" he asks in shock.

I sit up and move a little away from him, still unable to meet his gaze.

"It was stupid. I... I don't wanna talk...” I begin, but Jared quickly puts his finger over my lips.

"Jen don’t. Don’t tell me it was an accident,” he says going to sit up beside me.

“Just tell me babe, whatever it is you can tell me. I would never judge you," he says soothingly.

This time I actually turn to face him. I want so badly to tell him the truth, because I trust him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm afraid of what he will think; what he’ll say.

My father’s words are running around in my head.

_“No one will believe you Jensen. You are always lying, and who’s gonna believe a liar. If you did tell someone and they did believe you, all you would accomplish is getting you and your brother separated and living in a foster home."_

I shake my head; those words haunt me every day. I know that Jared just wants to help me, but I know even if I did tell him, he could do nothing about it anyways. Besides, I am too ashamed of what I let my father do; I don't want Jared to know. He'd never understand, he’d think I was weak.

"I tripped in the kitchen and reached out to grab whatever I could to keep myself from falling; unfortunately it was the stove and I burned myself instead. Stupid me," I say with a false laugh.

A disappointed expression quickly covers his face and it is enough to make me feel lower than dirt.

"I know you're lying, there's no way you received that from a fall. I wish you trusted me enough to be honest with me," he says sadly.

"Jay... _please_ don’t ask okay. It’s just that... I really don't want to have this discussion." I respond guiltily, once again reminded of how I don't deserve him.

"You have to know you're not alone in this, if something is going on, like at home, you have to know that I would be there for you,” he says and looks down at his hands. It’s a few minutes that pass between us before he speaks again. I’m not an idiot Jen... I know your father did this to you. I know that he’s done a lot to you. Every time you come to school with a fresh bruise, or a cut... it tears me apart inside. I just don’t know why you don’t trust me enough to tell me," he says firmly but with warm eyes. "You could lean on me for the strength you need, I'd support you through anything."

"I just... I don't wanna deal with this... not right now. Besides, you don't know what you're talking about, so stop acting like you do. You have no idea and _no_ right to be making any accusations," I say angrily.

"Okay, I don't want to fight with you Jen. I just thought you trusted me more, thought that you knew you could tell me anything,” he says morosely. “I'm sorry for bringing it up. It wasn't my place to say anything and I'm sorry,” he says and takes my hands in his.

I feel like crap for being so unreasonable and jumping down his throat. I want so badly to tell him about my father but I am so ashamed of myself. I don't want him to think badly of me, nor do I want him to think of me as weak. He doesn't deserve me yelling at him though.

“I’m sorry Jen... I’m so sorry,” he says and leans his head against my shoulder.

"No, Jay it’s me who is sorry. You are only trying to help, and I do trust you. It’s just...” I let the sentence hang between us.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, Jen. I just want you to know... when you are ready to talk... I’m here for you," he responds with a smile.

Touched by his words, I grasp onto the back of his neck and pull him forward, looking into his eyes, speaking more than words can say. I place my mouth over his and kiss him deeply, my tongue seeking his and I moan when the two collide. He explores every inch of my mouth that is possible, not one space being untouched.

We fall back onto the bed and I place my hand on his stomach. I’m fascinated to feel his muscles tremble beneath my palm. When I pull back out of the kiss I can see the silent plea in his eyes, even if he is unaware that he is pleading with me. Deciding to take mercy on him, I take a deep breath and slowly begin to slide my hand downward. I have never done this before and am quite nervous, but I refuse to shy away from it... from him. I want to do this for Jared, with him and want to show him that this is okay, that I want him.

My hand rests just below his belly button; I run my pinkie finger just underneath his pants and into his boxers. I slowly start to work his button open and when he realizes my intentions, he grabs a hold of my wrist and looks at me with wide, shocked eyes. I try to remove my wrist from his grasp but it is too firm. Underneath the shock I sense a bit of something else... fear. I know he likes what we have been doing so far. His body confirms it when I look down at the hard line running up his zippered jeans, but he seems afraid somehow.

Maybe he's afraid because of what happened earlier in the bathroom?

"It’s okay Jay, I want to do this." I say gently, looking at him with reassuring eyes. I can't hide forever from everything sexual and I'd like my first 'willing' experience to be with him.

Carefully, I pry his fingers from my wrist and take his hand in mine. "You're the only one I'd want to do this for... with, please let me," I whisper.

For a long moment all he does is stare at me. _He thinks I’m dirty; he doesn’t want to be touched by a used piece of shit like me_ , I think to myself. I go to pull my hand away when he tightens his grip and places it over top of his hardness. He leans back on his elbows and slightly presses up into my hand. Keeping eye contact, I slowly undo his jeans button by button. When I see him nod his head in approval I pull them all the way off, leaving him only in his white boxers. I can see his length through the material; a small pearl sized wet mark at the very tip. My heart skips a beat as I dare to slip my hand inside; feeling his warm moist skin.

His eyes close immediately and his breath stutters when I wrap my hand around his hard dick; giving it a few experimental strokes. It feels the same as mine, yet different somehow. Jared’s is longer, where mine is thicker. His moaning brings me back to the moment and I get a better hold of him and begin a slow, steady rhythm. Unsure of what he likes I twist my wrist when reaching the engorged tip, swiping at the pre- cum that is pooled there and rubbing it all over the head. I smile to myself when I hear a low growl escape Jared's throat.

Feeling as though I am on the right track, I continue to twist my wrist on each up stroke; gripping the base tighter and just teasing the tip. Jared moans in earnest this time and falls back until he is lying flat on his back, breathing coming out in short, quick pants.

He cries out in disappointment when I pull my hand back and lifts his head to look at me with disbelieving eyes. I smirk in bemusement as he watches me lick my palm and then begin jerking him off once again; finding it much easier now. I rub lightly at the soft spot between his balls and his ass, never slowing down my hands pace. At this point Jared is thrusting up into my hand and muttering unintelligible words around moans of pleasure.

“Oh fuck Jensen... guh that feels soooooo good,” he growls.

I silence him by placing my lips over his and kiss him thoroughly; not losing the smooth rhythm I have created with my hand. The kiss is sloppy and far too wet for my taste, but I don't care. I am just so glad to be giving him _this_. To know that _I_ am the cause of the moans coming from his mouth is just so amazing to me.

“Shit Jen...not gonna...,” he starts to say until it’s just my name he keeps chanting over and over again.

I am caught off guard when I feel a sticky wetness coating my hand. I stare down at him in surprise only to see a lazy, somewhat sheepish smile on his lips. With a trembling hand, he grabs the back of my neck and brings me back down into a passionate kiss; nipping softly on my lower lip.

"That was amazing," he says breathlessly when he pulls away.

I blush; looking away from his eyes shyly. "I'm glad you liked it," I say a bit worriedly.

"I more than liked it, Jen," he says and suddenly flips me over onto my back and straddles my legs.

I look up at him with wide eyes and begin shaking my head when he reaches back and feels me through my boxers.

"Jared, you don't... don’t have to do this. I didn't do _that_ with the expectation that you'd reciprocate," I say feeling a bit panicked.

"I’m not doing it because I _have_ to... I’m doing it because I _want_ to," He replies with a romantic smile.

“Jay... please,” I start to say before he places his finger against my lips and I fall silent.

He goes to pull down my boxers, getting on his knees so he is settled between my spread legs. My breath catches in my throat, his eyes never leaving mine. He watches me closely to see if I will object again, I simply close my eyes and let my legs fall wider apart. His hand runs up my inner thigh and I feel myself tense up before he takes a hold of me in his hand. I’m so hard that I’m sure a few strokes and I’m gonna be done. I gasp out in shock when it’s not only his hand that grabs me... but his mouth as well. My eyes shoot open and panic is clear on my face as I grip the sheets in my fists.

"Keep your eyes on me Jen, watch me and know it's _me_ touching you... wanting you," he instructs me softly and almost immediately the panic is gone from my eyes. "If... if you want me to stop, just say so," he adds.

I slowly nod my head, I trust him, it’s Jared and I know he’d never hurt me. I can't help but blush under his gaze; feeling exposed and self conscious as he looks down at my hardened cock curving up towards my belly button. Embarrassment floods my body but I try to push it away. The look in his eyes says that he likes what he sees, though for the life of me I can't imagine why.

The tentative, experimental lick to the head of my cock has me shuddering in pleasure and I can only imagine what it will feel like to have his mouth on me; surrounding me in his warmth. Just the thought of it is enough to almost make me cum prematurely. _God, now that would be embarrassing_ , I think to myself.

Lifting his eyes to capture mine, he slowly wraps his lips around the head and then licks it like you would a lollipop. I can't keep from moaning as I look down at him helplessly, pleading with my eyes for him to stop teasing me.

“Jared... please I can’t take any more teasing... _please_ ,” I practically beg thrusting into that warm heat. He takes pity on me and, thankfully, begins lowering his mouth further inch by inch. It takes everything I have to hold my hips down and let him do the work. He stops once he can go no further and then moves back up at a tantalizing slow pace; humming slightly that makes me moan at the vibration it causes. He smiles around me and takes a moment to suckle on just the head.

My eyes widen and a strangled cry leaves my slightly parted lips when he inhales deeply, hollows his cheeks and then slides down as far as he can go. He takes no mercy on me, picking up a smooth and steady pace as he gives me my first ever blow job. When he groans I find myself losing breath caused by the pleasure of it and I have to wonder if I will ever remember how to breathe again.

Grabbing my hips for better leverage, he quickens his pace the best he can without choking; stopping every once in a while to run his tongue along the slit and around the crown. I can feel the orgasm building in my stomach; I reach down to push at his shoulder.

“Jared, God... please I’m gonna cum,” I pant out, but he doesn't back off.

When he reaches down to fondle my balls, I can hold on no longer and I find my release.

“Fuck Jay... fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. God I love you,” I pant as he swallows around me, sucking every last drop of cum I have.

He wipes at his mouth, cum seeping out of the sides and crawls up my body until he is lying beside me; smiling softly. All I can do is smile back adoringly and try to get my breathing to regulate. He kisses me and I can taste myself on his lips... it’s a salty taste.

“Jen... what you said,” Jared says softly into the side of my hair.

“What... what did I say,” I ask turning onto my side, trying to catch my breath.

“You... you said you loved me,” he says sheepishly.

“I did,” I reply thinking it was just my imagination, not realizing I said the words out loud.

“Yeah you did, and I,” he says trailing off.

“You don’t have to say anything Jared, it kinda slipped out. I mean, I meant it... but I didn’t mean for you to hear it... you know... so soon,” I mumble and turn my head to look in the other direction. I didn’t want to see the rejection in his eyes. I didn’t want to see the disgust, see the same look that I receive from my father.

“Hey,” he says and turns my chin towards him. “I... I really like you Jen, I mean I love spending time with you, always have. You are my best friend, it’s just... I’m gonna need some time... you know to get used to... us. To this,” he says and wiggles closer to me, never taking his eyes off me.

“I love being with you too Jared, you have always been there for me and I don’t ever want to lose you. We can take this slow, this is new for both of us and if I wasn’t scared I would be lying to myself,” I say placing a soft kiss on his cheek. “It’s just that... I have loved you for a long time, it’s hard for me to keep those feelings in anymore, especially after...,” I whisper and wiggle my eyebrows.

He turns slightly red and I smile and wrap my arms around his neck while his slide around my waist. I start to kiss him, slow and lazy, nothing hurried about it, but savoring everything that is _Jared_.

“I’m so happy that we are here, together,” he says in between our kissing.

“Me too,” I reply and rest my head against his shoulder, sleep creeping up on me, I close my eyes.

_I just wish this moment could last forever and I didn't have to go home... to him_ , I think to myself despairingly.


	27. Punishment

The day turned out to be one of the best I have had in a very long time. Jared and I got a lot closer in the last few hours than probably our whole friendship. I found myself loving being wrapped in his arms, thus forgetting the time. As I rolled over I looked up at the clock on the night stand. It was close to three thirty. My heart starting to race, I jump up and look for Chad’s sweat pants that were tossed over in the corner. Jared stares at me as I frantically pull on the damp pants and go to get my shoes on.

“Where’s the fire,” he says sitting up on his elbows.

“It’s late Jay... we need to be getting back,” I say starting to panic.

I open the door to the room and tell Chad that we had better get back home. He agrees and goes to round up the rest of the boys. Jared comes up behind me and gives me a hug.

“It’s going to be fine,” he says.

After the comment he made in the bedroom, I have no doubt that Jared has an idea of what is going on at home. The thing is... he can’t find out how bad it actually is. I turn in his arms and put on a fake smile.

“Yeah I know. I just have to be home in time for Jason,” I say trying to cover the quiver in my voice.

We pack up everything, clean the mugs we used and head out. As I sit in the car, Jared’s hand resting on my thigh, I wonder if my father is going to be home or if he’ll still be at work. He did say he was working late tonight, but there have been times where he has said that and come home early anyways. I just hope this is not one of those days.

Jared squeezes my hand; I can feel it shake underneath his. I look up at him and he gives me a reassuring smile. I look away out the window, not wanting him to see how very scared and worried I am that I am going to be too late, that when I walk in that front door _he’ll_ be waiting for me.

What really bothers me is this morning; my father was actually being pretty decent towards me. He was allowing me to have small portions of everything I made for dinner, which is nice behaviour for him, and I screw up by not being home when I was supposed to. He will never be nice to me again and I know I blew my only chance.

Despite what fate awaits for me at home... I don't regret going to the cabin. I had a great time with my friends and shared very special time with Jared. There is no way I could regret that and I refuse to allow my father to ruin it for me. I do regret, however, not being home when Jason gets there. I know he is old enough to take care of himself, but he is my responsibility and in a way I feel as though I have let him down.

Before long, we are pulling up into my driveway and I look at Jared's watch to see what time it is; 5’oclock. My heart races when I notice that my father’s car is in the garage and I can feel a lump in the back of my throat, threatening to swell so that I can’t breathe. Inwardly, I groan and make a mental note to close it after dinner since I know he forgot to do it himself and will just blame me for it later.

"Are you gonna be okay Jensen? Want us go in there with you?" Tom asks with concern written all over his face.

_No, that would just make it worse, he'd be really pissed then_ , I think rather bitterly before answering Tom's question. "I really appreciate the offer but I can handle this. He'll be mad for a while but he'll get over it,” I say. _He’ll just beat me till he feels better and he thinks he’s broken me, I just hope he stops before he kills me this time_ , I think to myself.

"Well... alright... as long as you're sure," he responds hesitantly; unsure.

"Don't worry about me, all will be fine." I say as I turn to Jared and I want to kiss him goodbye but settle for squeezing his hand. "See you guys tomorrow," I add as I hop out over Jared.

I go to close the car door when all of a sudden Jared is standing beside me.

“I... I don’t want you to go in there alone,” he says quietly.

“It’ll all be fine. I’ll be fine,” I say in the most forced brave voice I can.

“Jen,” he simply says in a whisper and brushes his fingers against mine.

I look up into his eyes and notice a faint tear. My throat threatens to close up and I swallow hard against the urge to burst out crying and cling to him for my life.

I lean up to him and nuzzle my nose into his hair. I take a deep breath, memorizing his scent in case this is the last time I’ll get the chance.

Despite the circumstances, I can feel myself harden just being close to Jared, nose touching his hair and warm skin of his neck. I flick out my tongue, touching the outer part of his ear, nibbling just the tiniest bit.

“Guh... I love you Jared,” I whisper into his ear before turning to leave.

"Take care of yourself Jen." Jared chokes out, worry clear on his face.

I don't say a word; don't even think I could if I wanted to; I lower my head. After what seems like a long moment I nod my head numbly and slowly turn towards my house and begin walking up the walk way. I hear the car door slam behind me and turn to watch as my friends pull out of the driveway. I can see Jared looking back out the window at me, a small tear rolling down his cheek.

I stand for a second looking at the front door. How hard would it be to walk away right now and never step foot in this house again, I’m sure one of the guys would let me stay with them. As soon as that thought enters my mind I think of Jason, alone with _him_. I take a deep breath and enter my house and shut the door behind me. Not even a second after the door is closed I find myself pushed against it with my furious father practically on top of me. His hips are holding me down as much as his hands are and I can feel his hot breath on my cheek and it sends unpleasant shivers down my spine. I haven't forgotten how he raped me when I was younger and right now all I want is to get out of this position.

"Please let me go, I don't like this." I plead, but it comes out rather pathetically.

"You were supposed to be home hours ago. Do you even care that your brother was here alone?" He hisses in my face and I cringe at the stench of alcohol on his breath.

"Just leave me alone,” I say trying to push past him. “Let me out of here, do what you want but just get me away from the door." I say; voice rising in pitch as panic sets in.

His brow creases in confusion before a sneer forms on his lips. "You don't like this, huh?" He asks as he pushes his body into mine.

My heart rate rapidly increases and I have a sense of feeling like a caged animal. " _Go away_! _Leave me alone_!" I scream as I start pounding my fists against his chest and squirming frantically in an attempt to get away from him.

"What the fuck is your problem?" He yells as he tries to force me to stand still. "I'm not even hurting you, so would you stop?"

" _No_! Please just let me go; don't hold me here like this. _I don't like this, let me go_!" I continue to scream as panic deepens to the point that I am unaware of my actions.

I open my eyes long enough to see that my father actually looks scared. I am panicking beyond any comprehension and I feel like I have no control over my actions. All I can focus on is how badly I want him away from me and the memory of my rape is replaying over and over in my mind. I am afraid I'm going insane and my father is witnessing what he has done to me.

He is yelling at me but I can't seem to grasp his words. As I am frantically doing everything I can to hurt him, he grabs a hold of my arms and slams me against the wall. I release a groan from the impact and cringe when I feel the pain in my back; I will surely have a bruise later.

My father takes hold of my upper arms tightly and I can't help but whimper in pain. I can tell that he is holding me more tightly because he wants to leave as many bruises on me as he can, I just don't understand why. If he does leave finger sized bruises on my arms I will at least be able to hide them with my hoodie. That is something to be grateful for.

I let out a yell of shock when he throws me to the side and gasp in pain when the back of my head collides with the table by the door. The last thing I remember is my body hitting the ground rather roughly and my eyesight becoming blurry as darkness takes me away.

  
~*~  


  
I awake with a groan and attempt to sit up only to have a wave of dizziness falter my movements. Instead of trying to move again, I slowly open my eyes only to be met with complete darkness. In my disoriented mind I find this to be rather odd and my confusion deepens when I realize that I have very little room to move.

_Where the hell am I?_ I wonder silently as I attempt to sit up again, and this time I succeed. I am quite surprised when I raise my hand to my aching head and feel fabric brushing against it. Right then is when I realize that I am in the closet, only I don’t know how I got here. I am sure my father put me in here, but why would he put me in the hall closet?

I reach out for the doorknob and turn it but soon realize that it is locked. _Since when did this door have a lock on it?_ I think to myself. My baffled mind wonders as I try to get my senses back to me. Nothing is making any sense, I feel so lost right now. With a grunt, I force my stiff muscles to work and climb to my knees. I begin insistently knocking to get my father's attention.

After knocking persistently for God only knows how long, I finally hear footsteps heading in my direction and I wait to see if they will open the door. Before long I hear a key in the lock and then I am blinded by light. I shield my eyes to block out the offending light and, with squinted eyes; I look up at my father.

I attempt to stand up and leave the closet but my father pushes against my chest and I fall backward. From the floor I look up at him in confusion but he just smiles down at me cruelly. I am not really catching on to what his intentions are, but my eyes follow his movements as he places a glass of water down on the floor next to me.

"I bet you thought that little stunt of yours earlier was hilarious, didn’t ya?" he smirks.

His words confuse me because it wasn't a stunt, I was truly freaking out. I wasn't doing it to irritate him or give him more reason to punish me, I am not that conniving. He doesn't look happy, though, and I can tell he has a plan up his sleeve; I can only guess what it is.

"I put a lock on this door awhile ago. I knew you were too stupid to learn your lesson, so I did it just waiting for you to screw up again... just like I knew you would. You are going to stay in here until I decide you can come out. You are going to learn your lesson this time, you little shit. You _do not_ disobey me!" He hisses angrily and I lower my head to stare at the floor.

“You don’t think I see, you don’t think I saw you and your _boyfriend_ ,” he hisses.

My heart pounds in my chest... he knows. He knows about Jared and I.

"You are going to learn that; number one, you come home when I God damn say you are to be home. There will be no more of this _sneaking_ off with your friends. Number two, that little stunt you pulled earlier is unacceptable. Don't even think for a second that you were gonna get away with it!" He explains with a sneer.

I don't know why I am surprised to find out that he knew about Jared being my boyfriend, but that doesn't change the fact that I am. That is dangerous knowledge for him to obtain, I have no doubt in my mind that he will use it to his advantage.

"Am I allowed to eat?" I ask softly; dejectedly.

He laughs cruelly and right away I have my answer without him even having to say a word. "That is a stupid question, even for you. Of course I'm not feeding you; you're unworthy of that pleasure."

"What if I have to use the bathroom? What then?" I ask, though I fear this answer as well.

He smiles evilly and shrugs his shoulders. "Guess you better hope that doesn't happen for a while. Oh, and I'd take it easy on that water if I were you... you might be in here for a while without any bathroom breaks."

With that said, he shuts the door and once again I am engulfed in darkness. With a sinking heart, I sit back so I am more comfortable and take the glass of water in my hand. I only take a sip of it before placing it back down on the floor beside me. Inwardly I wonder how long he plans on leaving me in here. I don't know how long I can handle the pitch blackness of the closet, but I don't really have a choice in the matter.

Slowly, I curl up into a ball on the floor and use my arm as a pillow. I see no other choices but to get some sleep, there is nothing better for me to do within the confines of the dark closet. I am stuck here until my father allows me to leave, and only he knows when that will be.

  
~*~  


  
Slowly, I walk down the hall and enter my room only to find Jared sitting on my cot. My mouth drops in shock and I gape at the sight before me. What is he doing here? I silently question in disbelief. He hasn't noticed my presence yet and I am not sure if I am thankful for that or not. He is sitting on my cot and lying open on his lap is my poetry book. That is a very private book, almost like a journal in a way, and he is reading it.

After a long moment of standing in the doorway, I walk further into the room and sit down on my window sill; directly in front of him. I can't seem to find any words to say to him so I settle with staring at him. He is still reading, so he hasn't looked up to acknowledge my presence. He acts like he isn't aware that I am in the room but there is no way he didn't see me walk in front of him... he has to know that I am here.

After a long stretch of time, which I found to be awkward and intense, he closes the book and finally looks up at me. I can't read the expression on his face because he is staring blankly at me, therefore I don't know what he is thinking. Deep down in my soul I have a bad feeling, but I try to calm my raging nerves by taking a deep breath... it does nothing to help my current state.

He lets out a sigh as he looks down at my book lying on his lap. "This is a rather depressing book Jen. What were you thinking when you wrote these?"

For some strange reason I have the urge to spill my guts. I have kept silent for so long and it is tearing me apart. Besides, Jared is my boyfriend now; I shouldn't be keeping such a big part of my life from him. He deserves to know the truth.

"I was thinking about my father," I say softly and look at his face to see his reaction.

What I find isn't shock, he is looking at me as though he already knew. "Why would your father bring you such sadness? What has he done?" He patiently tries to get me to open up.

"Jay my... my father has been beating me since I was five years old. He calls it punishment, but its abuse, plain and simple." I say quietly, and I take a deep breath as I continue with the hardest part, "He also... he has also... raped me before. When I was a kid he... it was horrible and I don't like to think about it. I'm sorry I've never told you before. I wanted to, believe me I did, but I was scared."

He stares at me with wide eyes and then clears his throat as to be able to speak properly. "I can see why you've held it in for so long, that's terrible and disgusting." He says as his expression becomes more and more disappointed. "How could you let him do this to you Jen? Are you really so weak that you can't stop him?"

My eyes widen in shock, this being the last thing I expected from him. Sure, I had feared this would happen, but I had more faith in him than that. I never truly thought he would think of me in the same way that I see myself.

"No, that's not it...," I start but he continues speaking, as if not hearing me.

"The guys said you were weak but I never believed you were pathetic." He shakes his head sadly as he says this.

"Please Jared; don't think of me as pathetic." I plead as tears fill my eyes and spill down my cheeks.

"Did you enjoy what your dad did? When he raped you, did you enjoy it?" He asks cruelly; looking at me as though I am diseased.

This time I am disgusted, and more than a little angry... I am furious. "Of course I didn't enjoy it, I was _raped_!"

"Then why didn't you stop him?" He asks accusingly.

"I was only a kid, I wasn't strong enough!" I reply defensively. "How dare you ask me if I liked it! That was very low Jared."

"Okay, I'm sorry, but this is very hard for me to take in all at once." He says, and I can tell he truly is sorry.

"How do you think I feel? This is my life Jared, I'm living this nightmare!" I practically scream as I begin sobbing; not caring if my father comes in. Why did he let Jared in here anyway?

"I know, and I'm honestly sorry for you, but... well, I don't think we should go out anymore Jensen. I just don't know how to deal with this. I had wanted to help you, but I don't think that I can. I'm sorry." He says softly as he stands up. "I hope things work out for you... and I know you'll make better friends than the ones you have... er, had, I mean.”

I simply stand as still as a statue when Jared turns and leaves my room. I don't run after him or try to stop him because I know it would be a lost cause. I have truly lost him and there is nothing I can do to change that. He is disgusted with me and no longer wants to know me.

Numbly, I walk over to my window and look out. Below me Jared stands with the guys and looks to be having a serious conversation with them. As if feeling my gaze upon them, they look up and shake their heads sadly in disappointment.

Instantly, I turn away and search frantically for a razor. I have never had the nerve, or strong enough urge, to commit suicide, but nothing sounds more appealing to me now. When I remember there is a razor in the bathroom I rush there and take a blade out of my dad's favorite razor. I won't have to worry about the punishment because I will be dead by the time he realizes something is wrong.

Locking the door, I sit down on the floor and place the blade against my wrist. Without a second thought, I slice into my wrist and hiss at the instant, stinging pain but don't cease my actions. Once I have enough deep slices on my right wrist, which was hard for me to accomplish, I give my left wrist the same treatment.

After I am finished I throw the blade into some unknown area and wait for the inevitable. I am feeling rather weak now, so I lean my head against the bathroom cabinet and a smile grows on my face. I can feel all my pain and sorrow flow out of my body with the blood oozing out of both arms. I watch the thick red liquid drip down my arm, I can see my life source spill out onto the tiled floor...

 

  
I open my eyes with a gasp and look around frantically only to see nothing but darkness. I feel my wrists with my finger tips and am met with smooth skin, not torn from a razor blade. I now realize that it was just a dream, and this realization is slightly disappointing. I should have known it was a dream, though as of lately I would love to make it a reality. The only thing keeping me from this kind of end to my life is my friends... and Jared. In my dream, however, I no longer had them so there was nothing keeping me here any longer.

I will stay as long as they're by my side, but can't say I would be strong enough without them.

  
_And I find it kinda funny_  
_I find it kinda sad_  
_The dreams in which I'm dying_  
_Are the best I've ever had_  
_I find it hard to tell you_  
_I find it hard to take_  
_When people run in circles_  
_It's a very, very... Mad world_  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Mad World - Gary Jules


	28. More Lies

I can’t tell how long I have been in the closet, but it feels as if it has been forever. Father wouldn’t even allow me out to use the washroom. I have never felt more ashamed than at the moment when I had to wet myself, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer. My kidneys felt like they were about to explode, the warm liquid seeping through the front of my jeans. Hot tears fell down my cheeks as the putrid acidy smell filled my nose. It definitely was not my finest moment and the worst part is... my father is going to notice. He’s going to know that once again he won; then again he always does. I should be used to it by now.

He has come to me periodically to give me more water, but nothing else. After wetting myself I leave the water untouched, if I have no fluids in me the less chance of it happening again. I am starving, however, and would love to have something to eat. At this point I could care less what it is. My stomach is growling constantly and I have major stomach pains. I am feeling faint and physically ill, my eye lids are drifting closed every once in a while as I feel the energy drain from my body. When I close my eyes I can picture the pleased look on my father’s face of the new torture he is bestowing upon me.

The entire time inside the closet I have had nothing to do but sleep and dream. I think about the time spent with Jared at the cabin. It is a day that I shall always remember; it is a precious memory for me. I also think about the dream, or rather nightmare, I had as well; Jared saying those horrible things to me. I have had nothing but time to think about that.

As much as I think I would like to die and finally be at peace... away from my father, I would hate to leave this world with Jared thinking of me like that. Now that I have him I can't imagine being without him and I don't want to... I won’t. Along with Jason, he is the reason I continue to fight and I don't ever want to be without him.

My mind starts wandering as my stomach gives a violent rumble and I hunch over in pain.

I love him so very much; he gives me a reason to fight so hard. I know that his feelings are strong for me and with time he will be in love with me the way I am with him. I can tell from the way he looks at me, when he touches me. I don't think he would ever be disgusted with me if I were to tell him the truth. He basically has figured it out anyway; it’s just saying the words out loud to him that scares me. The sound of approaching footsteps snaps me out of my thoughts.

I listen intently as the footsteps draw closer and unconsciously hold my breath as I wait to see if the door is going to open. Before long I hear the key in the lock and then I am blinded by light as the door opens.

My father's figure is looming above me and I notice that he isn't holding a glass of water. _This could be a good sign_ , I think to myself as I shield my eyes from the bright glare of the light from behind him.  
  
"It smells like God damn piss in here. You piss yourself boy,” he asks with a slight smirk on his face.

I can’t bear to look at him, see the satisfaction on his face. I just cover myself and say nothing.

“Ha...you’re such a little pussy,” he laughs before adding. “Get the hell out and clean yourself up. Jensen... you better have learned your lesson this time," he says in a gruff voice and pokes me in the chest.

He doesn't have to tell me twice, I move forward to go past him when my legs start to shake from cramping up. I grab onto the door to keep from falling. I have no concept of what time it is and I can’t see out the window to see whether it’s day or night. My father leaves me standing by the door. I walk shakily to the bathroom and clean myself up, pulling on a pair of old jogging pants till I can get to my bedroom and change into some different clothes.

When I am done I head down stairs to where I can hear my father in the kitchen.

The sight and smell of bacon and eggs is a relief and a curse at the same time. I want to eat so badly, but I am also so hungry that I’m afraid I am going to eat too fast and I might vomit. I assume it is sometime in the morning, that means I was in the closet all night. Inside I die a little bit more at the cruelty that my father has once again displayed.

I look at the table, there isn't much for me to eat, but I am just glad to have something to put in my empty stomach. I wait until my father says I can start eating and I sit down at the table. I eat my breakfast at a slow pace; savouring the taste and not wanting to throw up from eating too fast.

"After you eat I want you to get dressed and then head to school. Once school is over you come straight home and not even a minute late. No more of this hanging out with your friends after school. I expect you to be home and that's exactly where you better be. Do you understand?" He asks in a stern voice; glaring at me the entire time.

"Yes sir," I respond quietly and after building up the courage I stutter, "May I ask a question?"

"What,” he responds agitated.

"What day is it today?" I ask before sticking a fork full of eggs in my mouth.

"Friday,” he says and walks to the sink. “You pull another stunt like you did and it will be a lot longer next time,” he states and walks out of the kitchen.

I think back to the day at the cabin... that was on Monday; I was in there for three days.

_What am I going to say if anyone asks why I have missed so much school?_ As I am trying to think up a lie that would explain my disappearance for so long my father comes back into the kitchen.

"I already phoned and told your principle that you were sick with a cold and wouldn't be there for a few days, so don't worry about them asking anything." He says as if reading my mind.

"Oh and don’t get used to this, but I did the laundry,” he says with a scowl.

I just nod my head mutely.

"Um..." I start a little unsure. "Just out of curiosity, how did you know about... about Jared and me?" I stutter.

Part of me really doesn't want to know, afraid of what he will say or do, but it is also really bugging me. I mean, I never bring Jared over to the house and he hasn't come over since Halloween. How the hell does my dad know about us?

"Drove by your school one day, saw the way you two look at each other." He answers nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders. "Besides, doesn't take a genius to figure out my son's a faggot."

What can I possibly say to that? At least I know how he figured it out. I don't know why I am so surprised to hear he drove past my school; I kind of figured that he kept an eye on me. Part of me wants to ask him if he drives by my school often, but I know that is one thing I really don't want to know. Plus, if he doesn't drive by every day, I don't want to give him any new ideas.

After I am finished with my meal I take my plate to the sink and wash it off. Once I have his permission to get ready, I head up to my room and am surprised to see Jason lying on my cot. He is clutching my pillow but other than that he is sleeping peacefully. This really shouldn't surprise me, though, because we have become closer and, no doubt, for those three days he knew I was in the closet... it couldn't have been easy on him. Knowing I was in there yet helpless to do anything about it, it would have bothered me if our roles were reversed. To know he cares so much, though, lightens the shadows on my heart.

Quietly I walk over to my dresser where my clean clothes lie on top and pick through them. I will put the others away when I get home and don't have to worry about waking Jason up. I see a pair of jogging pants that I haven’t worn in months because I never liked the way they hung off of my hips. I grab them and put them on, a slight smile lights my face as I remember how Jared liked the ones Chad leant me. I put on a white t shirt as well, it is on the small side, so there is the smallest showing of my stomach from where the pants hung and the shirt stopped just above, my stomach flip flops thinking of Jared as I leave my room.

Heading back into the bathroom I quickly brush my teeth and put some deodorant on. I also use the aftershave that I know Jared likes. I look in the mirror at myself. My face is pale and there are dark rings around my eyes. One look at me and Jared is going to know that something is up. I can’t keep hiding things from him, I don’t want to. I run my fingers through my hair, making it spiky in the front, before turning the light off and heading downstairs and out the door to school.

  
~*~   


  
By the time I reach school I am a little worn out, my legs not used to being used. I am glad to find the nearest bench and sit down. My head feels light and dizzy so I lean forward and place my elbows on my knees. After a moment I feel slightly better; I bring my knees to my chest and look around at all the kids coming up to the entrance of the school. My eyes hone in on one person in particular.

Tim... He’s standing with his goofy friends, trying to act all cool. Thankfully they haven't spotted me. I look around again and spot Sandy. She looks to be in a serious conversation with one of her girlfriends. I turn my face so that she doesn’t catch me staring at her. I don’t want her to get the impression I want to talk to her. I mean, if I wanted someone to talk to I would choose her, but as of right now I feel like being alone.

Of course, I am not alone for long, or as long as I would have preferred, because Milo is heading in my direction. I don't mind having his company, though. How could I when he is smiling at me, looking so happy to see me? I can't say I am not happy to see him as well. I am grateful to have such good friends.

He drops his backpack onto the ground by the bench and then sits down beside me. I give him a half smile and he pats me on the shoulder; sighing softly. He looks at me intently, and I can tell he wants to say something, but seems unsure whether he should or not.

"Is there something on your mind, man?" I ask lightly; smiling as best as I can in an attempt to reassure him.

"You weren't here for three days, Jen... right after we took off and you knew your dad was going to be pissed. That can't be a coincidence." He says, not able to look me in the eyes.

"What are you trying to say?" I ask; laughing nervously, though I hope he doesn't notice.

"It just seems rather odd that you missed three days of school right after the day you were so afraid your dad would be pissed at you." He says with a shrug of his shoulders, though there is a very serious expression on his face.

The fact that Milo, my usually oblivious friend, has come close to the truth bothers me and makes me wonder... do all my friends notice something strange is going on? I don't like the possibility, but I can't just ignore it, either.

"You're reading way too much into this Milo, it's not what you think at all." I say with a wide smile, worrying if it looks as fake as it feels.

"Am I Jensen?" He asks. The expression on his face shows just how much he doesn’t believe me. "I don't think so."

"I was home sick man; I got sick that night after we went to the cabin. We were playing around in the snow, after all."

"Yeah, we were playing in the snow, but none of us got sick... just you." He points out.

"Yeah, but none of you got your face pushed into the snow, and man I was soaked." I counter with a smile, I actually sounded pretty believable this time.

A sheepish smile forms and he turns his face away. "You're right, sorry for making accusations... I had no right."

"It's alright man, no harm done." I say softly and a smile grows on my face when I see the rest of my friends heading our way, Jared leading them all.

As soon as Jared is close to me he immediately takes my hand in his. I didn’t think it would be possible, but my smile grew even larger than it was moments before.

“Where the hell have you been?” Tom asks.

Milo fills them all in as Jared pulls me over to the side and places his hands on my face. Rubbing his thumbs on the side of my face, tracing the dark circles under my eyes.

I can feel him looking at me intently with a knowing expression on his face. I could be reading into this too much, though. He could just be worried about me.

Instead of meeting his gaze, I pull his arm until he sits down next to me. The truth is; I am afraid he might see straight through my mask if he looks into my eyes. Once he is sitting down, he releases my hand and wraps his around my waist; his hand resting on my hip. I relax when I realize he isn't going to call me on my bluff and lean back against him.

He leans his head against mine and I feel his hot breath whisper in my ear. "I'm just glad to have you back, I was worried about you, and Jensen... don’t tell me you’re fine, " he says the last part softly, lips coming to caress my ear.

I was about to tell him that there was no reason to worry, but I couldn’t lie... not to him. I simply wind my fingers in his and curl into his warmth, my head fitting in the crook of his neck. I breathe deeply, smelling his scent and wanting to cry.

He is silent for a moment, rocking us back and forth ever so slowly before saying another word. "So, do you want to get something to eat after school?"

"Uh, that wouldn't be a good idea." I say with a nervous laugh before adding. “I need to play things safe for a while until he forgets about Monday."

"Yeah, I understand. I really did miss you,” he says and bends down to brush his lips softly against mine. After what seems like forever he pulls his head back and stares at me.

“I know that we probably can’t see each other outside of school for a while, so I wanna spend every minute with you that I can in school,” he says and deepens the kiss. I open my mouth slightly, feeling his tongue lightly lick my bottom lip. I realize then, that he does know the day at the cabin was our last time to see each other outside of school; I just wonder if he feels about that day the same way I do.

His tongue meets mine, and I hear him moan slightly, while his hand goes between his legs... I realize then that he does feel the same way.

I moan at the feeling of his warm tongue on mine, but then jump back when I hear the slamming of a car door.

“Jen... what’s wrong,” he says startled.

“Ah... nothing, we should get going to class,” I say and grab my backpack. As I am standing up and putting the bag over my shoulder, my eyes are darting up and down the street, trying to see any indication that my father is watching me... following me. I shiver and head inside the school, Jared very close behind me.

  
~*~   


  
Once the bell signals that class is over, I gather my things and slowly leave the room. Many students pass me by on their way to lunch, but I walk at a casual pace over to my locker. I don't feel like carrying my things around with me during the entire lunch period. I will just get what I need before my next class starts.

Before I reach my locker, however, I let out a surprised yelp when I am pushed into the bathroom and have no time to even frown when my backpack falls ungracefully to the floor. I find my back pushed against the wall at record breaking speed, and before I know it, a pair of large warm hands are roaming up and down my body. I can feel something hard pressing against my thigh and I can feel myself harden when those hands dip into the back of my jogging pants. I can't help but smile as I pull that tall, lean body closer to me.

I look up and see a pair of warm hazel eyes staring back at me as the hard body is rocking back and forth against me. I can feel the dribble of pre cum out of my tip as the movements become more forceful and my cock is rubbing up and down in my baggy jogging pants, which are dangerously close to falling down. A soft moan escapes my lips at the sheer pleasure and once I have those lips descended on me I melt.

"Wow that was unexpected, but definitely not unwelcome." I pant out, laughing slightly. "Someone was sure eager."

"I missed you." Jared says with a sheepish smile. "I wasn't too rough, was I?"

"You couldn't be rough even if you tried." I tease lightly.

He smiles at this and playfully slaps my arm before capturing my lips once again. I sigh happily into the sweet kiss and truly believe this is what heaven must feel like. I have never been so in love before, and to me it is the best feeling in the world.


	29. A Bad Feeling

~* Three Months Later *~

  
~* Jared's POV *~

I walk into the cafeteria; unfortunately, I have no money for ‘real’ food so I have to settle for food the school provides. I get in line, grab a tray and start to scan the room looking for Jensen. I can’t seem to find him, but I spot Chad amongst the crowd and soon the rest of my friends can be seen. My heart sinks a bit when I look a little longer and don’t see Jensen anywhere, I wonder if he just hasn’t shown up yet, or he doesn’t plan on showing up.

Once I have my food I head over to the tale that my friends are at. They greet me with a pat on the back, well, Tom and Mike do anyway Chad just nods his head in acknowledgement before turning his attention back to Sophia, who ignores the fact that I have walked up.

“Hey, has anyone seen Jensen?” I ask.

“Yah I passed him in the hallway a little while ago, he was heading outside,” Mike says.

“Oh...I’m gonna go find him. Thanks Mike,” I say before grabbing my tray and heading for the door.

After scanning the crowd a couple times, I finally see him; he’s sitting on a bench at the edge of school yard. As I walk towards him I notice that he’s just staring off into space, I wonder what he’s thinking about, he seems distant lately. As I come to stand beside him, he doesn't seem to acknowledge me, but when I place my tray of food on the table he lifts his head and gives me a small smile. He pats the bench beside him and I gladly take the invitation. I lean my back up against the tree that the bench is sitting next to and spread my legs, pulling him in between them and resting his back against my chest. His hair tickles my chin as I rest my head against his, I miss spending alone time with him.

For a while we simply sit in silence, neither of us really knows what to say. I can't say it is an awkward silence, but it isn't exactly comfortable, either. There is something going on with him, ever since that day he came back from school when he was sick three months ago and I can't seem to reach him. Every time I ask him if he’s okay or if there is anything on his mind he always says he’s fine and the subject is dropped. I can't get him to confide in me and it’s really starting to get to me. I want him to know that he can come to me when something is bothering him or if he is having problems. Trouble is I think he knows he can come to me but simply doesn’t want to. I can't deny that hurts like hell.

Instead of bringing up the same topic of conversation, I simply brush my nose against his ear. I can smell the soap that he uses. I don’t know what it is, but it drives me crazy. I take my mouth and just ‘mouth’ around the outer part of his ear, breathing heavily when he pushes back against me. He turns his face to look up at me and I can see the sadness in his eyes that he can't hide. It breaks my heart and I just want to hug him and make it all go away. I want to ask him what is wrong but already know it would get me nowhere. He would just lie, like he always does, and right now I don't feel like being lied to.

"Are you hungry?" I decide to ask instead.

"No, I'm fine," he responds with a sigh.

"Jen, I was curious, why didn't your dad pay the school fee so you could get lunch all year?"

"He didn't have the money for it at the time; bills were too high and always come first,” he replies as if trying to convince me.

"Yeah, whatever," I say kind of harshly and then change the subject before he has the chance to get mad. "So, do you wanna come over to my house after school? We can listen to music and just hang out, if you want to," I say hopeful that this time he’ll say yes.

"Jay, that sounds really nice, but unfortunately I can't. I have to be home when Jason gets there, he's in trouble and my dad wants to make sure he doesn't watch TV. I pretty much have to make sure he does his homework and then his chores," he explains.

It all sounds like a lie to me because I have never heard of Jason getting in trouble before. But, then again, I guess it is possible. He is getting older, so he might be a trouble maker... I highly doubt it though.

"Well, in that case maybe I can come over to your house. I've never had the chance to come over and just hang out before." I suggest; unwilling to give up yet.

"Uh... my dad doesn't like people coming over when he's not there, and he has to work late tonight so that wouldn't be a good idea."

I lower my eyes when he says this and nod my head reluctantly, I can't exactly argue with him over it.

"Yeah, alright, maybe some other day then,” I softly say.

"We'll do it some other day okay," he says and looks away so I can't see his face.

Instead of pouting over the fact that he has turned me down _again_ or letting this ruin our time together, which is so rare these days, I take his hand in mine and give him a wide smile. This seems to take some of the tension out of him and he visibly relaxes; giving me a small smile in return.

I sit up and bring my tray of food closer to both of us on the table. I offer him some of my now cold fries. He looks at me disapprovingly, however, and shakes his head in decline. I don't give up so easily, though; picking up a fry and placing it against his lips. He shakes his head a little and moves away, but I am relentless; following his movement so the fry keeps touching his mouth. I am determined to get him to eat at least a little bit.

“You’re gonna eat something Jensen, I’m not gonna give up. This fry is gonna be following you till you decide to eat it,” I say with a slight giggle.

He lets out a sigh and takes the fry from me before sticking it in his mouth. He gives me an expression that clearly says; _are you happy now_ , and I just smile in response. He rolls his eyes when I push my tray closer to him but he picks up another french fry nonetheless. Pleased that he is going to eat for me, I pick up my hamburger, cut it in half, giving him the other half and begin to eat as well.

As we are finishing up the last of the food our friends join us at the table. Milo instantly begins talking about some girl he met in the cafeteria. Apparently they hit it off right away and have plans to go out on a date this Friday to the movies. Jensen and I manage to smile but we don't comment. Milo is talking too much for us to say anything anyway. It is good to see him happy though, he has been single for too long.

Chad sits down beside me and rolls his eyes playfully. I laugh lightly and nod my head in agreement. When Milo likes a girl she is all he can talk about, and it can get annoying but mostly it is just cute. Besides, I believe I am the same way. When I liked Sandy she was always my topic of conversation. That seems like such a long time ago. Knowing now how Jensen felt about me back then makes me feel guilty, like I was rubbing it in his face even though I had no idea he liked me that way. Now I like Jensen, though, and I am constantly talking about him. I am sure it gets on the guys' nerves.

I’m pretty sure I am in love with Jensen though, and therefore he is all I ever _want_ to talk about. I haven't said anything to him yet though about being ‘in love’ with him. I want to be absolutely sure before I make such a big confession. I also want the moment to be right, when it is just the two of us. I am sure any moment would be the right time because it is not hard to please him, but I would like for it to be special.

Wanting to be closer to him, I grab his hand again and scoot my body closer to his. He smiles at me with a slight blush on his cheeks. Our friends are still talking, but to me their voices have faded into the background as I lean in to place a kiss on Jensen's neck. Unconsciously, he leans into my touch and I smile against his skin. Slowly, he backs away before pressing our lips together; running his hand through my hair to rest against the back of my head.

I am surprised by the rather bold move on his part when I feel his tongue running hesitantly along my bottom lip. He doesn't usually make the first move. I am definitely not complaining, though, as I open my mouth to invite him inside. A moan escapes me when his tongue meets mine. My tongue swirls around his for a few moments before I begin to explore his mouth.

"As much as I'm happy you guys are together, can we go even one minute out of the day where you're not sticking your tongues down each other's throats?" Tom asks in a teasing tone.

I pull away and see Jensen blush deeply at this while I laugh lightly.

"Leave us alone, it's not our fault we can't get enough of each other... this is the only time we've had together lately, " I remark in a bit of a whiney tone.

A frown forms on my face when I notice the look on Jensen’s face. He looks away after I say these words. I rub my finger against his cheek affectionately to try to bring a smile back to his face, but unfortunately he pulls away.

“I forgot... I have some work I have to do at the library,” he says and gets up to leave.

Sadly I watch him leave me behind and desperately try to pretend that nothing is wrong. I can no longer fool myself and have no idea what to do. I feel as though he is pulling away from me and I don't know why. I can't seem to draw him back to me. I can only hope we can get through this... whatever 'this' is.

 

~*~

 

With a sigh, I open my front door and shut it behind me. I throw my backpack onto the floor by the door and head into the living room; throwing my body down onto the couch. Today was a rather disheartening day, but, then again, things have been this way for a while now.

I don't know what is going on in Jensen's head and it hurts that he won't let me in. I have a bad feeling deep in my gut that I can't seem to ignore, and I don’t know the cause of it. Even with this knowledge I don't know how to proceed; I feel caught in the middle. Not to mention that this is Jensen, and he is a far more complicated person than he appears to be.

I truly enjoy his company and, if given the chance, I would love to spend every waking hour with him. Right now, however, I would settle for even one hour alone with him; away from school as well. I barely get to see him anymore and when I do it is always at school, which doesn't add up to a whole lot of time. Every day I try to get him to go somewhere with me, but he always gives me an excuse as to why he can't.

He won't even allow me to come over to his house and I kind of understand why even though he has never told me the true reason for this, but just one time I wish he would say yes. He won't come over to my house either, even though I have offered every other day for the past three months.

I don't want to jump to any conclusions but I think his father might have something to do with it, and that day when we went to the cabin. Jensen told me that his father was ‘angry’ but I know it was more than that. His father did something to him, something horrible, because Jensen never wants to go anywhere anymore. He refuses to let me come over; there is a hidden reason for this that he doesn't want me to find out about.

I also haven't missed the fact that he seems scared of even the thought of going anywhere with any of us, even though he is pretty good at hiding it. I am sure there are many secrets that Jensen is keeping and I am almost positive that his dad's true nature is one of them. I can't do anything without proof, though, and I have never felt as helpless as I do when it comes down to this.

Besides all that though, I am missing him like crazy. I don't just miss my boyfriend I miss my best friend as well. I feel like I am slowly losing both and it kills me. I wish I could spend more time with him and at times I just want to shake some sense into him but I know that would just push him further away. Looking back on all on all the times we spent together away from school I realize it might have been better if we had been more careful. We should have got him home on time, which he was always so persistent on, and then maybe all of this wouldn't be happening now. Maybe I wouldn't be losing him, and even though I don't know the man I can't help but blame his dad for this.

"You look like you have something on your mind." I hear my mom's voice and turn my head in the direction of the stairs where she stands looking at me awkwardly.

"Why would you think that?" I ask wryly.

"Oh, I don't know, it's normal for a teenage boy to be staring at the wall for ten minutes." She replies sarcastically as she enters the room and sits down on the chair to the right of me.

Things between my mom and I have gotten a lot better. Even though she does not accept me fully yet, I can see that she is trying hard to understand where I am coming from.

"What's on your mind J.T.?" she asks quietly.

When I look at her for a moment without speaking I think she knows what my problem is. I know it’s hard for her to hear me talk about Jensen... in that way, but like I said we have begun to build up our relationship again.

"You can talk to me Jared... about anything." She says reassuringly, and I can tell that she is being serious.

"Well, do you remember that guy I had here that day... that day when you...," I trail off, unable to say the words.

"Yes, I remember," she replies, seemingly as uncomfortable as me. "What about him?"

"Well, he's my boyfriend mom, has been for a while now, in fact, and I'm _really_ worried about him."

"Why's that? What's going on?" She asks with a frown on her face.

"I... I think his dad is beating him, only I can't prove it and every time I bring the subject up he gets defensive."

"Why do you think he's being abused?"

"There’s a lot of reasons," I say with a sigh; shaking my head sadly.

"Alright J.T., I can't help you unless you explain to me why you're thinking this way," she says softly but urgently.

"Well, he always has bruises and cuts on him, which has some excuse accompanying it. He says he is just clumsy, but he's not _that_ clumsy mom. It's clear to me that he's lying to me, and everyone else, but I can't say anything. He has had a broken wrist, which he said he got from falling off his bed. Not to mention the terrible burn I saw on his arm a few months ago, that seemed really suspicious." I explain softly; listing off all of Jensen's injuries that I can recall.

Her eyes are wide as she takes this information in. "Has there been any... wounds on him recently?"

"Nothing too major just cuts and bruises; which, as sad as this is, is normal for him. One of the worst things I have seen lately was bruises on his neck... I can imagine how he received those," I say feeling choked up.

She releases a heavy sigh and looks into my eyes. "Well, it sounds like abuse to me. Try to get him to open up to you. It won't be easy though, he'll probably get angry, but you have to push him. I won't lie to you, there's a chance you might lose him if you push, but that's a risk you have to take. If you care for him you'll do all you can to convince him to confide in you," she says and rubs my cheek.

"And once I get him to open up, what do I do then?" I ask, feeling determination flowing through my veins.

"If there is in fact something going on you then need to convince him to tell someone, like a teacher or the principle at your school."

"The nurse is always keeping a watchful eye on him; I could convince him to talk to her." I say with a smile as I stand up and begin to leave the room. "Thanks for the advice mom," I throw over my shoulder.

"J.T.?"

I stop in my tracks and turn to face her once more. "Yeah?"

"I... I'm sorry for how I reacted when I saw you with your... boyfriend. I am so ashamed of what I said to you. No mother should speak to her son that way; should never say the things I said." She looks down at her hands when she says this. "I didn't mean a word of it... I was just shocked. I didn't know how to react, when I saw what you were doing with him. I mean, you're only sixteen years old, and you were doing _that_ with a boy. I know I had no right to react the way I did, though."

"For your own peace of mind mom, I want you to know I'm still a virgin." I say with a blush on my cheeks. "So, you're not ashamed to have me as a son? You don't think I'm a fag? Because I must admit that it hurt to hear you call me that."

"J.T., I could never be ashamed of you and I'm sorry for calling you that. You'll _never_ hear those words from my mouth again, I promise you that." She says firmly; holding back tears. "Can you ever forgive me?"

"I already have mom." I say as I walk back over to her and pull her into my arms.

She holds onto me tightly and buries her face between my neck and shoulder; wetting it with her tears. I rub her back gently; trying to sooth her in the only way I can think of.

"Maybe tonight we could sit down and watch a movie; try to rebuild our relationship." She suggests as she pulls away and wipes her eyes.

"I'd like that. Should we order a pizza for dinner?"

She nods her head before heading into the kitchen to locate the phone. I watch her walk away and a smile slowly forms on my face. It feels good to have my mom back. I had seriously thought that I had lost her. We are going to work on this, though, and I am sure that we can come out of this stronger than we were before. I can only hope things work out this well with Jensen. I don't want to lose him, but if something were to happen to him I'd never forgive myself. If something is happening to him at home I will do everything I can to help him... even if that means he ends up hating me for a while.


	30. Falling Apart

~* Jensen's POV *~

  
I try and back slowly away from my enraged father. I look around for any way of escaping, but I see none. I quickly break out into a run for the garage door, but before I can reach it he grabs me by the back of my shirt. Pulling me backwards, I fall on my back, which hurts like a bitch, but I am thankful for not hitting my head.

“You little bastard. Stand up!” he yells as he’s jerking me by the back of my shirt and then kicks me hard in the side.

I do so without saying a word. As soon as I am standing, he grabs the front of my shirt and pulls me toward him so we are eye to eye. I flinch when he starts yelling in my face but I don't look away because that would just anger him further. I knew he was going to be seriously pissed off at me for what I did, though, and that is why I was trying to get away from him, I knew the punishment would be severe.

I hadn't meant to do it, it was an accident, but my father doesn't look at it that way. He had ordered me to get him a beer, but when I went to grab one out of the fridge I accidentally knocked one onto the floor. Of course, he heard the crash and looked ready to kill me when he saw his precious beer bottle shattered all over the floor.

“It... it was an accident, please dad,” I said, knowing it wouldn’t do me any good to plead with him.

When I saw the look in his eyes, however, I knew I had to get away from him; there is no telling what damage he would do to me if I stayed.

I watch as he raises his fist and I close my eyes, preparing myself for the blow. When his fist finally connects with my face, however, I realize there was no way I could have prepared myself for it and I stumble backwards. Just as I gain my balance, he pushes me roughly and I slam up against the wall. I cry out more from surprise than from the contact itself, but my father is pleased to hear it nonetheless. The satisfied smile on his face disgusts me but I remain silent.

He punches me again in the stomach and it forces me to bend over. This proves to be a mistake, though, when I feel his knee connect with my mouth and instantly blood fills it. Without thinking, I spit the blood out onto the floor and my father stares at me in disgust; rage in his eyes. Before I know it, he punches me again, this time in the eye and instinctively my hand flies up to my injury; pressing against it.

“Dad... Please,” I cry out as he pushes me to the floor.

I try and hold in my pain as he begins to repeatedly kick me in the chest. My lungs are crying out for oxygen and my chest hurts something fierce. The pain is so strong that I have no air to breathe; I can’t even yell in pain, I can only gasp in hitched breaths.

When he grows tired of kicking my chest he moves on to my stomach, which is already tender. I don't make a sound until he kicks me in the groin, and even though I place my hands against it as a shield he continues to kick this particular spot. I swear I can see stars behind my eyelids.

"Stop it! Stop hurting him!" Jason yells from the door way.

At the sound of Jason's voice he instantly stops his actions and I open my eyes to see him staring at my brother in disbelief. I am stunned myself, Jason has never spoken out to him before nor has he tried to stop him from hurting me. I am feeling rather proud of Jason right now, he has more courage than I do, but I am also wondering what my father is going to do. He can't be too happy about Jason speaking up and telling him to stop.

"Please, dad, don't hurt him anymore, it's not right. A father isn't supposed to hurt his kids, he's supposed to protect and love them." Jason says firmly, though in his eyes I can see that he is scared.

_Can you blame him? He knows how our father can be and there's no telling how he is going to take this_ , I think to myself as I watch the scene playing out in front of me.

"Clean up this mess!" My father says firmly as he kicks me in the stomach one last time and then he turns to face Jason.

"And I don't need you telling me how to raise you guys, Jason, do it again and I'll make sure you regret it!"

We both watch silently as he grabs his keys off the table and then leaves the room. A moment later we hear the front door slam and we both let out a sigh of relief. Jason is trembling slightly, but at least he isn't harmed. Once I am standing, which wasn't the easiest thing to do; I give him a comforting hug. He gladly hugs me in return, though being careful to not hurt me, and I hold onto him until his body stops trembling.

Silently, I release him and give him a small smile before grabbing the broom and dustpan from the hall closet. I return to the kitchen and immediately clean up the glass; making sure I get every last piece. After double checking to make sure there is no more glass on the floor, I dump the glass into the trashcan.

When I turn around I see Jason on his knees, cleaning up the beer with some paper towel, and the sight brings a sad smile to my face. _He is such a sweet kid_ , I think to myself as I grab some paper towel to clean my blood off the floor. This task doesn't take too long to finish since there wasn't much blood to clean up, so I throw away the soiled paper towel and place the broom and dustpan in the closet.

I return to the kitchen once again, only this time I have the mop and pail in hand. I hate the smell of beer, so the sooner I clean the floor the better.

“Jen... let me do that,” he says and comes and takes the pail and mop away from me. I sway slightly and he helps me to sit down at the kitchen table.

I watch as he fills the pail with water and pine sol and then gets to work cleaning up the beer and blood stained on the floor. We don't say a word to each other as Jason cleans, even though I know something should be said about what transpired here earlier.

As I watch him clean, through my one good eye, I decide I should say something before he finishes.

"Jason... thank you. I mean for what you said to dad, but you shouldn't have," I say hunching over at the pain in my whole body.

I watch as he rolls his eyes and lets out a sigh. "I knew you were going to say that."

"Of course I was. You realize what could have happened if things went differently? I don't want you to get hurt Jason."

"Things didn't go differently though so don't worry. I didn't get hurt, like you did,” he says quietly. I notice a small tear slide down his cheek.

I get up and walk slowly over to him. Grabbing him in a hug I say. "There's nothing I can do about it now, but just promise me you won't do that again. If he ever hurt you, I don’t know what I’d do."

"I can't promise that Jen, I'm sorry,” he sniffs softly and goes to finish the floor.

I watch him walk away and release a heavy sigh. _Great, another thing for me to worry about!_ I think to myself morosely as I sit down at the kitchen table. I have to worry enough as it is, but now I have to worry about Jason getting hurt. I will protect him to the best of my ability; to make sure that he never has to deal with what I have gone through. I don't truly think my father would hurt him, but it is a possibility that I want to prevent at all costs.

Jason is just an innocent kid; I don't want to see his life turn out to be like mine. I don't want him to go through the torment that I deal with every day; that would just destroy him. I worry enough about what will happen when I turn eighteen and move out. Will my father still torment me in any way possible? I don't see that happening and that is why I can't wait to turn eighteen. Will he move onto Jason though? That is something I don't know for sure, but I hope to God that he doesn't.

I move up to my bedroom, which takes me a while. Every step I take is an excruciating one, but I want to get out of my tight, bloody clothes. I take off my pants and shirt, grab a t-shirt and Chad’s jogging pants, which I still haven’t given back, and head to the bathroom. Staring at my reflection, I can tell that by tomorrow my face is gonna resemble ‘hamburger’. I get a wet cloth, place it over my swollen eye and wipe at the dried blood around my swollen mouth. I raise my arms above my head, wincing at the pain, and then step into the jogging pants. How am I gonna explain all this to the guys at school, especially Jared.

Thinking of Jared, I can’t help feeling upset at the fact that we never get to see each other. I know that it’s bothering him as well, but there is nothing I can do about it. My father made it very clear that if I got home late again, I would go back into the closet and would more than likely be in there for more than three days. That was a terrible experience, one in which I don't want to go through again, I’d rather take a beating like I did today. After those three days, though, I realized that I had to make some changes.

Even though this is something that had to be done, me always turning Jared down for after school ‘activities, there is no other way. I hate seeing how hurt Jared is and it kills me to know I am the cause of his pain. I resent my father for making me have to do this, because things wouldn't be this way now if it weren't for him, and I will never forgive him for it.

I can't stand hurting Jared any longer, and I know that me staying with him is only hurting him. I have to do something about it. It’s gonna hurt me more than anything to do it, but I have to set him free. I have lived through a break up with him once before, so I know this is gonna hurt like hell at first, but we will eventually move on.

In the long run it will be better for him; I only have his best interest at heart. He may not realize it now, but he is so much better off without me. Nobody likes me at school, and I definitely won't ever be popular. In a way, I am just bringing him down. Hell, even my own father can't stand me and I can’t say anything about how my mom feels. I would have said that she was one of the few that actually cared, but ever since she left... I can't say I believe that now.

I feel the nausea rising up in my stomach at the very thought of leaving Jared. I lift the toilet seat and throw up, my stomach heaving. It hurts much more because I have nothing in it and the fact that my father repeatedly kicked me there. The bile is bitter tasting and when I feel like I am all done, I lean against the cupboards of the sink and place my head on my knees. I begin to sob softly at the knowledge that Jared is so much better off without me. He won't be hurting like he is now and his reputation at school will get better. Things will be rough between Jared and me, so I know I won't be able to hang out with ‘our’ friends... maybe in the long run it is best for all of them. I don't see why they want me around anyway; I am not someone you would really want to call a friend. No, this is for the best, and within time they will eventually forget about me.

 

  
_I know there's something in the wake of your smile_   
_I get a notion from the look in your eyes_   
_You've built a love but that love falls apart_   
_Your little piece of heaven turns too dark_   


  
_Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worth while_   
_The precious moments are all lost in the tide_   
_They're swept away and nothing is what it seems_   
_The feeling of belonging to your dreams_   


 

~*~

 

I leave the class room, walking at a fast pace and search for Jared. I have been trying all morning to talk to him but can't seem to find him in time before the bell rings. When I first arrived at school I learned that he was late, so I couldn't talk to him then and in between classes he was hard to find. I feel very frustrated and would just like to get this over with. In my heart I know I don't want to break up with him, but it is something I _have_ to do... I won't back out now.

I almost squeal in relief when I near Jared's locker and see him standing there. Not wasting any time, I quickly walk over to him and ask if we can talk in private. Mike, who is standing next to Jared, takes the hint and heads to the cafeteria. Jared nods his head and I grab his hand; leading him outside.

We walk over to the side of the building where we can be alone and I finally let go of his hand. He looks at me in question and I take a deep breath; trying to find the right words to use. I really don't have a clue how to start this conversation, I know this isn't going to be easy to say, and that bothers me considerably. I don't want to hurt him, but I also see that I am hurting him more by staying with him. Either way it is a lose, lose situation... I am sure he is going to hate me after this.

Before I can say anything, he slowly raises his hand and rubs his thumb over my cut lip and my swollen eye. I duck my head in shame.

When I arrived at school today I could see the ‘questions’ in all my friends eyes, but no one said a word to me. For that I was thankful, I really am running out of lies to tell. He lifts my chin and places a very small, soft kiss on my lips. I pull back and stare into his eyes, the tears are there, I can feel them, but I don’t let any fall.

"What is it babe?" He asks placing his hand on my shoulder.

The nickname he calls me pulls at my heart, the sweet endearment is almost enough to make me not go along with my earlier plan to break up with him.

"You're really starting to worry me. Is everything okay?" He asks when I don’t answer him right away.

"No, everything's not okay and that's the problem," I say morosely.

"You can tell me anything, Jen. Tell me what's on your mind," he says in a reassuring tone, but it just manages to make me feel shittier.

"Jared, I... This isn't working out," I say softly, bitterness of regret attacking me.

"Wait a minute," he eyes me suspiciously as he says this, "what do you mean?"

"I'm telling you that this relationship isn't working out, and you can't tell me you didn't notice this as well,” I say backing away from him a bit.

"Yes, I can, everything is working out just fine Jen," he replies stubbornly.

"How can you say that? We never get to spend any time together; we hardly see each other anymore!" I say feeling ‘anger’ rise in my stomach.

"That's not my fault; I want to spend more time with you only _you_ never can," he retorts.

"That's exactly my point! I don't have time for a relationship and it's not fair to either of us to be in a relationship when it's going nowhere. Don't you see this just isn't going to work?" I say my voice rising the slightest bit.

"It'll work out if we want it to; we just have to make the effort." He desperately tries to convince me. "Don't give up so easily. What we have is worth fighting for. Don't you see that?" he pleads.

"I'm just so tired Jay and I see how much this relationship is hurting you. I know you try to hide it but your eyes betray you. I don't want to hurt you, it's not worth it. Our relationship is not a healthy one." I say with a sigh; wishing this was easier. "You may not realize it now, but I know you'd be so much happier if we weren't together," I say quietly.

"I wouldn't be happier without you, Jen, and don't try to tell me that I would," he says trying to move closer to me and the anger rising in his eyes.

"Please don't hate me forever for this." I whisper; realizing how selfish these words make me.

He lets out a sigh and looks away, blinking rapidly to keep from crying. "I could never hate you Jensen, even if I wanted to, that would never be a possibility."

His words bring me some relief and reassurance, but I still feel so low for what I am doing. The fact that he is fighting with himself not to cry just about rips my heart out. In my mind though I believe this is for the best, but my heart keeps saying I am making the biggest mistake of my life.

"I can't believe you're doing this. I have had a bad feeling for some time now, but I never expected you to do this." He says softly; voice clearly showing how miserable he is feeling. "I had no way of preparing myself for this."

"I am so very sorry Jay, I truly am. I honestly wish things could be different, but we can't be together." I say even though my heart is aching and I get the feeling that he doesn't believe a word I just said.

He turns to me with tears shining on his face; a determined expression fixed firmly in place. "I won't let you do this Jensen,” he says conviction in his voice.

"You don't have a choice." I say softly; unable to look him in the eyes.

When I can no longer hold my tears inside, I turn away and don't look back as I walk over to the tree on the other side of campus. No one is around, thankfully, so I lean against the tree, on the other side of it so I am hidden from view. Tears are streaming down my face and my heart is aching intensely, only this time _I_ am to blame for my anguish. Breaking up with Jared was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I can't imagine anything being more painful.

The image of Jared with tears on his face, once again, is permanently embedded in my memory and I cannot shake it. The fact that I am the cause of those tears brings me more guilt than imaginable. He says that he could never hate me, but I can't see how those words could be true. Hell, I hate myself for what I have done to him, so he must be feeling the same way at the moment.

_You did the right thing, though. Now he has the chance to be happy... you're no longer holding him down_ , I silently remind myself, and this gives me some relief.

Chancing a glance in Jared's direction; tormenting myself in the process, I peer around the tree and see him standing with the guys. Tom is consoling him, his arm around Jared and they all seem to be trying to comfort him. They seem shocked by the news of our break up... again. Chad on the other hand, though he looks dumbfounded, he looks seriously pissed off. I should have expected this, though.

Upon close inspection, I can see that Jared is openly crying now and can't seem to stop. This sight is more painful than the beating I received. Seeing Jared, openly crying in front of the guys is a realization for me. Jared has never cried in front the guys, he is too proud for that. I realize the extent of pain I have put him through and right now I would give everything to take back my words. I didn't realize how strongly he felt about me... about us, until now; I didn't think this would bother him so much.

I look back again and see the guys continue to try and console him, but it would appear that their words are falling on deaf ears; having little effect on him. I can no longer watch the display in front of me so I turn away and go to a spot where it is hidden from everyone. Once there I fall to my knees and cry. I feel the tears stream down my cheeks and I put my head in my hands, trying to hide myself from the world.

_Please, God, help us get through this_ , I silently plead.

 

  
_Listen to your heart_   
_When he's calling for you_   
_Listen to your heart_   
_There's nothing else you can do_   
_I don't know where you're going_   
_And I don't know why_   
_But listen to your heart_   
_Before you tell him goodbye_   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Listen to Your Heart - D.H.T.


	31. Hard to Let Go

As I leave my last class of the day, I let out a groan when I see Tim heading my way.

“Fuck,” I mumble to myself and head in the opposite direction not wanting to talk to him. I continue walking ignoring his calls for me to wait up. I am in no mood for his bullshit and really need to get home because I know my father will be there waiting for me and I’m not going to get in more trouble, especially for Tim.

I feel a strong hand grab my arm; I instantly tense up and stop dead in my tracks. Not turning around immediately, I clench my fist, anger radiating throughout my body. I slowly turn around and glare angrily at him. He is slightly out of breath from running after me and he takes a moment to catch his breath; running his fingers through his jet black hair. As his fingers tighten on my arm, every feeling of unwanted touches comes back to me. Being held down, touched, groped and probed. I feel my face pale and my knees weaken. I need to get out of here, get away from him. I yank my arm out of his grasp.

"What the hell do you want?" I say with annoyance.

"I wanted to talk to you. What the hell do you think I have been running after you for,” he says looking around to see if we were alone.

Feeling very uncomfortable I shift my weight from one foot to the other. I really don’t like being in such close contact with this jack ass.

"Yeah...well in case you didn’t notice, I don't want to talk to you,” I say and try to begin to walk away.

"I heard that you and Jared broke up," he says as he walks beside me, trying to keep up.

"Yeah, so what," I let out a sigh. ”What do you care?"

"Well, I have a question to ask you," he says as he grabs my arm once again.

I release a groan but realize he won't leave me alone until I hear him out so I stop fighting him. He is looking everywhere but at me; it surprises me that we haven't attracted any attention yet. In a way, I wish we would because I know he wouldn't want to be seen with me unless he was putting me down, and I know that if anyone were watching I could easily make my escape. Luck doesn't seem to be on my side, however, and I am quickly becoming irritated because he won't speak up already.

"Look, unless you start talking, I am going to leave," I say; my voice expressing my irritation.

"Okay...," he says before taking a deep, calming breath. "Since you're no longer in a relationship, I was wondering if you'd consider going out with me," he says the last part in a whisper.

My mouth drops open and I don’t know whether to laugh or punch him in the face. All I can do is stare at him in disbelief and think _‘he did not just have the balls to ask me out! He can't be serious! He seriously thinks I would date him? Damn, he must've gone crazy 'cause there is no way in hell that is ever going to happen!_

"You've got to be kidding, right?" I express my disbelief and this brings a frown to his face.

"Why,” he simply says.

Once again I stare at him in astonishment. "Tim, you put me down whenever people are around; you can't handle being seen with me. You have made my life hell for years! Not to mention you held me down and forced me to give you a fucking blow job. What would make you think I want _anything_ to do with you, let alone go out with you?" I say, anger clear in my voice.

"Jensen... I’m sorry okay. I mean for before,” he says looking down at the ground. “I didn’t mean for it to go that far.”

“You didn’t mean to have your friend’s kick the shit out of me, or you didn’t mean to hold me down while you forced your cock down my throat, practically choking me,” I grunt out while I force my eyes to close to the memory.

“Hey,” he says bringing his hand up and resting it on my waist. “It’s... it’s always been you Jensen. I don’t know what it is, but I just feel...” he whispers.

I can hear the sorrow and regret in his voice, but I just want to get as far away from him as I can. That day behind the school, it replays over and over again in my mind. The feeling I had when he reached his hand down my pants, as he took me in his callused hand and slowly stroked me. The hate I felt when I couldn’t hold back, cuming in his hand, inside my pants.

“Please, we could keep it on the down low," he says. "We could see each other after school and stuff... it could work. And I promise not to put you down anymore," he adds trying to make eye contact.

"For one, I _just_ broke up with Jared and don't want to be in another relationship. For another, I would _never_ date you Tim. Too many things have happened between us for it to _ever_ work.” My words are harsh but are spoken in complete honesty. Besides, what do I care if he gets his feelings hurt?

"Most people are dying to go out with me, but I'm offering you the chance. Are you crazy? I could basically have anyone I want," he says with narrowed blue eyes.

"Except me," I point out. I feel his hand grip my hip, but I continue anyways. "I don't want you and never will, so just get over it," I say and twist out from under him.

With this said, I continue walking toward the exit and I can't help but smile to myself in satisfaction. It felt good to put that prick in his place, he has to learn that not everyone wants him and he is in fact no better than the rest of us. He seriously needed a reality check and I think I did a rather nice job of doing just that.

Glancing behind me, I let out a sigh of relief when I see that he has given up. He now stands in the middle of the hall; a scowl on his face. I attacked what I knew would bother him the most: his ego. I am fairly certain that he will no longer bother me about a relationship of any kind, his ego is bruised and there is no way he will risk having me do it again... That is what I am counting on, at least. Though, I am sure he won't let me get away with that stunt I pulled. I will have to stay clear of him and his friends, just in case they have plans of beating me up.

As soon as I get outside of the building my eyes spot my friends right away. They all seem to be speaking with Jared and, unfortunately for me, they spot me almost right away as well. The matching glares I am receiving from Tom and Chad make me feel uncomfortable and I have to look away to escape their expressions.

I try to ignore them and simply begin walking at a pace I hope appears casual. Unfortunately, I see Tom and Chad heading in my direction; their stride purposeful and intimidating. My mind is screaming at me to run and hide but my body freezes in its tracks and I find myself holding my breath in apprehension. Anxiety has taken hold of me and I feel as though I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I nearly shrink away from them in fear once they reach me.

"What in the hell is going on with you Jensen?" Tom asks in obvious anger. "Why would you break up with Jared?"

"That is between me and him." I barely whisper and am unsure if they have even heard me. They haven't responded so my guess would be my words have gone unheard, and I am kind of grateful for that.

When I don't say anything further, Chad sighs unpleasantly and Tom looks like he is about to explode. I really don't want them to be angry with me, but I kind of brought it upon myself. No doubt they are confused by my actions and therefore are annoyed, in disbelief I guess.

"I just don't get it Jen." Chad expresses his frustration; looking at me as if I have suddenly grown a second head. "You wanted ‘this’ so badly and now you just throw it all away... I don't get it. What is going on in that brain of yours?"

"Guys, please, just let it go." I plead softly.

"No, I'm not just going to let this go. Jared is hurting and, though you may not want to admit it, I'm sure you're hurting too." Chad says firmly and it bothers me sometimes just how well he knows me.

"Oh, come on, couples break up all the time. Why do you insist on making such a big deal out of this?" I express my frustration; not sure how much more of this conversation I can take. "Things just weren't working out between us and they never will. He may be upset now but he'll move on and in the end he'll be glad I ended it when I did."

"This is bullshit Jensen!" Surprisingly, this comes out of Tom's mouth; Chad is usually the one that loses his temper. "Can you honestly stand there and tell us that you don't want to be with him?"

I open mouth to respond but I just can't seem to force the words out. There are many things I can easily lie about, but not wanting to be with Jared... Hell, I couldn't even lie to myself if I tried. I will always want to be with Jared, I love him so damn much. They don't realize that I am doing this out of love for him, though. I would only make him miserable if I stayed with him and I don't want to put him through that pain. I can't tell them this, however, because they will just tell him and then he would convince me somehow to continue with this painful situation. I can't allow that to happen.

"Why Jensen?" I hear an angry voice from behind me and tightly close my eyes before turning to face it. "Why the hell are you doing this to me? I want to know why; I think I deserve that much!" Jared says, voice laden with tension.

"Because this can't keep goin' on Jared, please don't make this harder than it already is." I say softly, hating that we have to do this in front of the guys but knowing that I don't have much choice. "Can we not do this right now?"

"No, we are doing this _right now_! We have to do this now. I just don't get how you could break up with me so suddenly. Jensen, you told me that you loved me, and that wasn't that long ago. So, tell me how you could change your mind so quickly," he says moving closer to me.

"I will always love you Jay, that's not it at all. It's just... I don't think we're meant to be together. I can’t be the boyfriend you deserve," I say gently, trying to make him understand. "I'm sorry if I'm hurting you, it's the last thing I would want to do, but I know it would hurt a lot more if I waited to do this."

"You truly believe this is the best thing to do?" He asks with an expression of disbelief on his face "You are wrong Jensen, and I _know_ this isn't what you honestly want. You're letting your mind guide you and not your heart. I don't know why you feel you have to do this, but I can say you're being stupid. This is just crazy! You have to seriously rethink this decision because by the time you realize you made a mistake it could really be too late."

His voice grows angry by the time he is finished and his body is trembling from the emotion he is feeling. I hate knowing how upset I have made him, yet I don't know how to make it better for him. I doubt there is a way to make him feel better besides not breaking up with him and I can't do that.

"I know you probably hate me right now for doing this and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. But, please... If you ever cared about me, even for a moment, leave now. Don't look back, just leave," I say sadly.

He firmly sets his jaw and bites down on his bottom lip to keep it from trembling while he slowly shakes his head. "I've told you already that I don't hate you, I'm upset but I don't hate you. And I can't do what you're asking of me, I'll never give up on you Jensen... never," he says and brings a shaky hand up to brush away a tear on my cheek.

He says this determinedly and I can't help but let out a long, heavy sigh. I should have known that he wouldn't let me go that easily, he is stubborn like that. What I can't seem to understand, however, is why he wants me in the first place. I am definitely nothing special. He could be with someone so much better than me, only he doesn't seem to realize this.

I don't respond to his words, my lips coming dangerously close to the palm of his hand as it caresses my face. I look up at him sadly before silently walking away. I can feel the weight of his stare on my back, but I don't glance behind me.

 

  
~*~   


 

  
I try to focus on washing the dishes but my mind remains firmly on the expression Jared had on his face when he said that he would never give up on me. He is determined, that much was revealed, but I could also see that he is scared I will give up on him. There is no denying that I haven't given up on us, and he knows this, but he is afraid that within time I will. He knows me better than anyone else, yet even he doesn't realize that I could never let him go, even if he thinks I will one day. I am merely trying to set him free.

He may not want to be set free, but I am hoping that within time he will be grateful for the escape I have given him. He has so much to offer, and I am undeserving of everything he has given me or could give to me in the future. He could never have a happy life with me; I am far too screwed up to give him such a thing. I know he wants to save me from something he doesn't understand or fully know about, but he doesn't realize that I am too far gone. Father has screwed me up so deeply that there is no reaching me inside this protective box I have encaged myself within.

I drop the cup I am currently washing back into the dirty dish water when I hear my father yell for me to come up to my room. Knowing better than to keep him waiting, I rush out of the kitchen; drying my hands on my jeans. I am worried about why he could possibly want me in my room, and am wondering what he is doing in my room in the first place. The tone of his voice is demanding and angry, though, so I know for whatever reason he wants me in my room... it is not good.

Upon reaching my room, however, I pale considerably when I see that he is holding my notebook. He must have found it in the wall because that is where I had it hidden. I am visibly shaking when he looks up and locks our eyes with an angry stare. I try to stand my ground, however, and not look away from him, that would just piss him off further.

He lets out a sigh and returns his gaze to my notebook in his hand. I flinch when he throws it across the room and it slams into the wall; landing wide open on the floor. He locks our eyes again.

"I'm not even going to ask how you got that," he seethes.

At these words I look down at my feet and try to summon up the courage to face him. It is slightly unnerving how he is just staring at me. He has never done this before and I don't quite know how to act. He is usually hitting me by now, so what kind of game is he playing?

"You hate your life so much. You think you have it so bad?" he simply asks.

"It's not what you think," I try to explain but end up being backhanded for my effort.

"You weren't told to speak, you little fuckhead, so I suggest you shut the fuck up!" He screams in my face and I quickly shut my mouth; not wanting to make him any angrier.

He walks over to my fallen notebook and picks it up. "Now, back to what I was saying... so, you think your life is so terrible, huh? You should take the time to realize that others have it way worse than you do. Some don't have a home to live in and are starving 'cause they don't have any money for food. Others are dying from illnesses such as cancer and AIDS. So when you begin to think your life is so hard, you should remember all those people who are suffering... you're just being selfish!"

I can't quite believe he is giving me this speech, but I don't express my disbelief. He does have a point, after all. There are quite a few people who are dealing with worse problems than I am. I can't even comprehend what suffering is when thinking about what others are struggling to survive through. However, I don't believe I am being selfish. I am just dealing with a different kind of pain, that when dealt with long enough can bring you down on life as well.

"You want to die, is that it? You _need the end to set you free_?" He sneers and instantly I know where this is coming from. He read the lyrics I wrote down in my notebook and is now pissed off.

Without saying a word, he pushes me out of the way and I stumble into the wall as he leaves my room. All I can do is stare after him in shock and think, _that’s it? He's just going to yell at me and then leave?_ I almost laugh aloud, that is how relieved I am. I had thought it was going to be so much worse; was preparing myself for it.

I frown, however, when he returns. I see that he is holding a razor blade and my frown deepens. There is an evil smile gracing his face as he knocks me to the floor and straddles me; pinning my arm to the floor with his hand. I stare up at him in horror, fear creeping up my spine.

"You want to die so badly? I'll give you a little taste of what it is like to take your own life." He says with an angry glint in his eyes.

My eyes widen further but there is nothing I can do when he is holding my arm down. Out of instinct, I raise my free hand and begin pounding the side of his face; hitting as hard as I can. He drops the razor in his hand and easily grabs a hold of my other arm; roughly pushing it to the floor. He places his knee on my arm to hold me still and I cannot ignore the pain this causes me. I know I am about to be in a whole lot of pain worse than this and that keeps me from complaining. Instead of crying out about the pain in my arm I plead with my father.

“Dad... please they were just words. I was having a bad day is all,” I try to say, holding back from screaming out in frustration, in fear.

I clench my eyes tightly closed when I feel the cold blade make contact with my wrist and have to bite my bottom lip to keep from crying out in pain when he pushes the blade into my flesh, making a clean slice. He runs the blade over the same cut a second time and I can feel my blood running down my arm. He makes two more cuts, each one seeming to sting more than the previous. The pain I am currently in makes me feel as though I am going to pass out and tears are flowing from my eyes in streams. My mouth is open but there are no sounds coming out... only silence.

Finally he ceases this torture and stands up. I feel nauseous and dizzy so I remain lying on the floor. He leaves the room only to return with a bowl of water, a washcloth, and the first aid kit.

"This should keep you from wanting to kill yourself. Now clean up and then finish your chores." He says before leaving once again.

Once I am sure I won't pass out from simply sitting up, I clean my wounds and then bandage my wrist. My wrist is hurting fiercely but I force myself to clean the blood off the floor before putting everything away. I place my notebook in my backpack, knowing better than to place anything in the wall again.

I clutch my aching wrist and run to the toilet. The acid burns the back of my throat as I throw up the contents of my stomach, which is only water and bread. After what seems like hours I lean back against the tub, my stomach heaving, but there is nothing to throw up. I sit with the coolness against my back for a moment before getting up and going back into my room. I don't see how I am going to be capable of finishing my chores right now so I ignore my father's orders. I lie down on my cot, clutching my sore wrist and close my eyes, tears trickling down my cheeks. It doesn't take long for blessed darkness to claim me.


	32. Torn Between

Frantically I search my room for my hoodie. I should have left for school about five minutes ago but can't seem to find my jacket anywhere. I don't particularly want to go to school with my bandaged wrist in plain sight, but if I don't find my hoodie soon that is exactly what I will have to do.

Having searched every inch of my room, and coming up empty handed, I head downstairs. I walk into the living room to find my father sitting on the couch watching the news. I had forgotten that today is his day off. That means I will have to rush home after school because he will be pissed off if I am even five minutes late.

Figuring it couldn't hurt to ask if he knows where my hoodie is, I cautiously approach the couch and silently stand beside him. He doesn't acknowledge my presence, just continues watching the news as if I weren't in the room. I clear my throat to get his attention but he continues to ignore me. I let out an almost inaudible sigh.

"Father, um..." I start to stammer.

Slowly he turns his head in a lazy fashion in my direction with an annoyed expression on his face. "What the hell do you want,” he silently asks.

“Have you seen my black hoodie,” I ask and patiently await his answer.

He rolls his eyes and grabs his beer that is on the coffee table. He takes a large swallow of the bitter liquid.

"I put it in the washer,” he slurs.

My eyes widen in disbelief as I try to comprehend what he’s just said.

"But why is it in the washer? I need to wear it today." My voice expresses my disbelief and frustration. Usually I wouldn't speak to my father in such a way, but at the moment I can't stop myself. He should be more concerned than he is. I mean, just the thought of anyone seeing my bandaged wrist freaks me out.

There is irritation in his voice as he says, "I spilt beer on it so I put it in the washer so I don't have to deal with your school. Thought you'd be more grateful since this helps you as well, but I guess I was right about you all along... you'll always be an ungrateful bastard," he spits.

I don't want to be bothered with his bullshit right now, so I tell him I am leaving for school, grab my backpack from the hallway and silently exit my house.

  
~*~   


  
I walk onto the school grounds and immediately my eyes are drawn to Jared, who is standing with Chad. Luckily for me, he isn't looking my way, nor is he turned in my direction, so I am pretty confident that I won't have to deal with him until possibly lunch break.

I nearly jump out of my skin when a hand lands on my shoulder and let out a yelp of surprise. Luckily, I don't draw any attention to myself, specifically Jared's, and turn to face the owner of the hand. Sandy's apologetic face comes into view and I let out a relieved sigh; for once glad to see her.

"Sorry I scared you, I didn't mean to." She says softly with a shy smile lighting up her face.

"It's not a problem, I'm just jumpy," I say with a small laugh and this seems to bring a genuine smile to her face.

She motions with her head in the direction of a bench and I simply nod my head in agreement. At a leisurely pace, we head over to the bench and sit down. I place my backpack on my lap so it is hiding my wrist from her sight. I am sure this seems kind of suspicious, but I don't know where else to put my wrist so she won't see it. I am going to have to hide my wrist with my backpack all day, which isn't going to be easy in class.

She eyes my backpack for a long moment, long enough to make me nervous. When she finally drags her eyes up to mine there is a certain look within them and I can't look into them for long. I turn my head away, knowing she wants answers but I can't give her any.

"So, was there a reason you brought me over here?" I ask after a moment to ease some of the tension.

"There was no particular reason, it's just that we haven't spent much time together and I figured we could talk until class starts... You know, just catch up on what's going on in each other's lives." She says with a small frown on her face. "No need to be suspicious, I just wanted to talk with my friend... no ulterior motive, I swear."

An expression of guilt forms on my face and I look away in shame. "I'm sorry for making it seem like I was accusing you of something, there's just been a lot going on lately and I don't really have my head on straight at the moment."

"No need to apologize." She says with a soft smile. "I know what it's like to have a lot goin' on that you're kind of suspicious of everyone; like everyone's out to get you and you're not sure who you can trust."

I simply nod my head, not comfortable with where this conversation is heading so I quickly change the subject. "So, what have you been up to since we last spoke?"

This brings a wide, happy smile to her face. "I've been doing the usual thing, hanging with my friends and trying to bring my grades up. Nothing special, ya know.”

"That big smile on your face makes me highly doubt your words." I say teasingly.

She tries to put an innocent expression on her face but fails miserably. In the end her face breaks out into that grin again and she laughs happily.

"Okay, well, I have been talking to this guy in my history class for a while now, we have a lot in common and I really enjoy his company. He asked me to go out to the movies with him this weekend. I swear, when he asked me out I wanted to scream, that's how excited I was."

I can't help myself when I smile at her enthusiasm. "Well, that's great, you deserve to be happy. If you like him then he must be a good guy."

"You know him, in fact." She says with an innocent smile that says she isn't going to tell me who this guy is, but when I threaten to tickle her she gives in with a laugh. "Alright, fine, it's Tom."

To say I am shocked by this would be an understatement. "Tom... You mean _our_ Tommy?"

"Yeah, of course I'm talking about that Tom. Why? Is there a problem with that?" She asks with a deep frown on her face.

"No, not at all, it's just I didn't know you guys were talking. Neither of you have mentioned it so I guess I'm just a little surprised." I quickly explain so she doesn't get the wrong idea and end up mad at me.

"Well, I don't know his reason for not saying anything, but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it just in case it didn't go anywhere."

"That's understandable, and I'm sure he is thinking the same way. I'm really happy for you, though, and I hope everything works out for the two of you. You'll have to tell me how your date goes." I say with a small smile.

"I'll be sure to do that." She says with a blush coloring her cheeks. "You know, I'm not the only one who deserves to be happy..."

I let out a sigh when she lets her sentence trail off and I give her a blank stare. "What do you mean by that?"

"I heard that you broke up with Jared and, like everyone else, I don't believe it's what you truly want. He loves you, Jensen, and will be by your side when you need him. You've got a great guy... you shouldn't throw what you have away."

"You don't understand Sandy, it's for the best. Give him some time and he'll move on."

"This can only end badly Jensen. Do you want to lose him?" She asks with that damn frown on her face.

"No, of course not! I still want to be his friend, it's just... we can't be in a relationship anymore. Like I said, you don't understand." I say with a sigh as the bell rings.

Sandy stands to go to her class but turns to me once again. "I understand more than you think Jensen," she says with pain in her eyes. I want to hug her to try and take that pain away. "I saw your wrist and I've noticed your bruises, you need help. My mother used to beat me; I dealt with it for years. One day I couldn't take it anymore so I told my teacher; not long after that I was sent to live with foster parents."

I am shocked by what I hear and can't seem to find my voice, but she continues talking. "I used to think I was worthless and undeserving of love. I learned that's not true, though, and so will you. You may think Jared is better off without you, but it's not true. He needs you just as much as you need him. Let him in Jensen, let him help you. You need to confide in someone and there is no one better than him." She says softly; looking into my eyes sincerely. "Just think about what I've said, I'm confident you'll make the right choice."

She leaves me sitting alone on the bench; rolling her words around in my head. I cannot believe that at one point in time she was in my position, only she had the will power and courage to stop it and I don't. Is she right? Should I tell Jared about what is happening to me? Would the truth send him running or would he stick by my side? He already has an idea of what is going on, though, and hasn't abandoned me yet, so maybe I should confide in him. It would save both of us a lot of heartache, and maybe he will forgive me for breaking up with him.

I think about this as I walk to my class. I know I can't talk to Jared about this right now because we will need a lot of time to discuss this, so I will just have to wait until our lunch break. It makes me nervous to think that I am going to tell Jared my secret, but this is something I have to do... I owe it to him, as much as myself, to tell him the truth.

As soon as I reach my class I stop in my tracks when I see Jared talking to some guy, I think his name is something Hudson. Jared is laughing and smiling at everything the guy says. When Jared turns his head and his eyes land on me he quickly turns back to the guy, says something with a smile on his face and casually touches the guy on his arm. After this display, I can no longer stand to watch so I turn away only for my eyes to be met with a sympathetic looking Mike.

I quickly walk to the back of the class room and sit down in an empty seat; trying to mentally crawl inside myself to ward off the pain I felt at seeing Jared flirt with another guy. Somewhere inside I know I deserve it, though, he is only doing what I wanted him to. I just never expected him to do it so soon.

  
~*~   


  
As soon as the lunch bell rings I quickly gather my things and leave the class room. I try not to knock anyone over as I make my way toward the cafeteria where I know Jared will be. I am still nervous, but instead of hindering me it drives me to push harder to talk to him.

Once I reach the crowded room I search it for any sign of Jared, but once I find him I feel all my determination seep out of my body. He is standing with our friends, and that guy from this morning is there as well; standing too close to Jared. It would seem that Jared has replaced me already, I am too late. Hell, it seems like this guy is replacing me in every way; standing with my friends while I stand away from them.

_I guess there is no point in telling Jay the truth now, it would get me nowhere and I don't want to be hurt anymore_ , I think silently; sadly.

I jump when I feel a hand on my shoulder and glare at Tim before shrugging his hand off of me.

"Looks like Jared has moved on... so why don't you?" He asks with a smirk on his face.

"Leave me alone Tim." I warn him through clenched teeth. "Didn't I make myself clear enough the last time we spoke?"

"It's just taking you some time to come around; I know that one day you'll see that you can't live without me," he says surprisingly softly.

"My God! What is wrong with you?" I practically scream in frustration. This draws everyone's attention, including my friends' and Jared's, but at the moment I don't care. "I can't stand you Tim, and never will. I cannot stand the thought of you being near me, much less being in a relationship with you. Just get over yourself for once and leave me the fuck alone!"

"How dare you talk to me like that,” he growls as he grabs my bandaged wrist and I wince in pain. A smirk forms on his face as he inspects my wrist. "Well, look what we have here."

"Let me go." My voice isn't as strong as I would like it to be.

"Suicide attempt failed I see." He practically whispers as his grip tightens on my wrist and I whimper in protest.

"Leave him alone," comes a loud voice from behind me, I think Chad said this but I can't be sure. "Let him go Tim!"

"I always knew you were a coward Jensen. You just can't do anything right, can you? Can't even commit suicide like a normal person,” he mocks me and I turn my head to see my friends heading in our direction; they look pissed.

Deciding that this is not a situation I want to be in any longer, I punch Tim in the face as hard as I can, and when his grip leaves my wrist I run out of the room before my friends can reach me. Even once I am outside I don't slow down and I ignore everyone who stares at me.

I only slow down once I have reached my destination, which happens to be the bleachers. The reason I chose this place is because I figured no one would think to look for me here. It isn't exactly a place I hang out at, and at the moment that works out great for me.

I walk up the bleachers until I am at the very top and I sit down with a heavy sigh; leaning my head against the railing beside me. I let out a groan when I hear people walking up the steps and, without looking in their direction, I know who they are.

"How did you know where to find me?" I ask softly as someone sits down next to me and Chad sits down in front of me

"We asked around; you made it pretty known where you were goin' since you pushed anyone who was in your way." Tom says with a soft smile on his face.

"Oh, I hadn't noticed I was doing that." I say with a blush coloring my cheeks as I look down at my hands.

"You know, Tim is just an asshole and that's all he'll ever be. You shouldn't listen to a word he says." Mike says as he puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "We'll look out for you and make sure he leaves you alone."

"Look, I really appreciate that guys, but I can handle it. He's stubborn, but he'll give up on this stupid idea he has in his head eventually. I've made it clear how I feel about him, so I'm sure it's only a matter of time until he's back to thinking of me as his favourite target to bully." I say morosely and wince when I feel a sharp pain in my wrist.

"How long has he been pushing you to be in a relationship with him?" Chad asks with a frown.

"I don't know for sure, but it's been a while now. Just recently, though, I gave him a piece of my mind and thought it would make him back off, but apparently he is more stubborn than I thought. He can't hold onto this fixation for long, though, eventually he'll give up when he realizes it's getting him nowhere."

"I'm sure that's true, but it couldn't hurt for your friends to have your back." Jared says softly and I turn to look at him from where I sit beside him. Our eyes meet and I find that I can't look away. "I don't trust him. I mean, he's hurt you before and if I have anything to do with it... he won't have the chance to try again."

"I'm really grateful for having such caring friends, but... I really doubt he'll have the opportunity to try again."

"No offense, Jen, but you walk home every day, and you walk alone as well. Not to mention he knows this, so he has plenty of opportunity. In my opinion, we have reason to worry about you." Chad says gently, but I don't respond because I know he is right.

“Hey guys... you mind if I talk to Jensen alone for a moment?” Jared asks never taking his eyes off me.

The guys look around at each other and one by one get up to leave. Chad puts his hand on Jared’s shoulder and then walks down the steps to meet all the other guys.

Once we are sitting alone, Jared moves closer to me, our knees touch and I look into his eyes. He has a small tear in his eye and bends his head down before speaking.

"Look, Jensen, I can't avoid the subject any longer. That bandage on your wrist... It's hiding cuts, isn't it?" Jared says with concern and fear in his eyes. I start to shake my head in denial. "Please don't lie to me; I know its hiding cuts because your bandage is all bloody," he says chocked.

I look down at my wrist in horror and, sure enough, the bandage is covered in blood. The cuts must have re-opened when Tim was holding my wrist in a death grip. My cheeks flush in shame because I was just caught in a lie. _How did I not notice I was bleeding?_

"I... I just find it so hard to believe that you would do something like this, harm yourself this way." Jared says sorrowfully. "You didn't have to resort to cutting yourself Jen; you could've come to us... to me. I’m your best friend and you can tell me anything,” he says in a whisper.

It hurts to have him think I tried to kill myself; I don't want him or the others thinking I am suicidal.

"You don't understand, I..." I don't get to finish my sentence because that guy from this morning, something Hudson, interrupts me.

"Jared, I've been looking everywhere for you." He says with a wide smile as he approaches us on the bleachers.

"Now is not a good time Oliver," Jared says irritably.

"No, that's alright, I'm gonna go anyway." I say as I stand up; I don't miss the hopeful expression on Jared's face just before I turn away and make my way down the bleachers.

“Jen wait,” Jared calls.

I ignore him and keep a steady pace as I walk away. I feel shocked and angry at myself for what I almost did. If Oliver hadn't showed up I would have told him that it was, in fact, my father who had cut me. I don't even want to think about what his reaction would have been and shudder at the possibilities.

I don't really want to leave Jared with Oliver but I have to let him go at some point. If he truly wants to move on, I won't stand in his way... no matter how much it may hurt me.


	33. The Truth

As I walk into my house I release a sigh and make my way toward the stairs. I stop in my tracks when my father yells for me to go get the mail. _Does this guy never walk anymore?_ I silently think to myself as I turn around and head back outside. I walk over to the mail box and take out the pile of envelopes. I am sure my father has been home all day and could have gotten the mail himself, but he leaves that for his own personal slave to do. Okay, I guess I am just feeling a little bitter at the moment, but I believe my reasons are justifiable.

Walking back toward the house, the envelope on the top of the stack catches my attention. It is addressed to me, _weird_ , I think to myself; I have never gotten mail before. I lift it up into my hands and can tell that it’s a letter. I look to see who it’s from and it has Jared’s name on it, and when I look closer there is no postage stamp on it, which tells me he must have placed it in my mailbox himself. This leads me to wonder if he did it yesterday or today after school. He rides the bus, which means he would have had plenty of time to drop it off before I arrived.

Quickly, I place the envelope inside my backpack and then enter the house once again. I take the rest of the mail to my father, who is sitting on the couch in the living room, and he takes it without even glancing in my direction. I stare in disgust at the coffee table, which is littered with beer bottles. Now that I look at the living room, I notice that there are beer bottles all over the room; most have rolled along the floor.

Surprised and shocked, I cry out when he backhands me and I stumble backward before regaining my balance. I look back at my father in confusion and he meets my gaze head on with a glare. My expression deepens further when he doesn't say anything and for this I get backhanded again.

“Do your God damn chores!” he screams in my face.

“I’m just going to put my back pack away first,” I timidly reply; worried of how he will react to this.

He gives me a bored expression before turning his attention away from me. "Whatever," he says simply.

Taking this as permission for me to go upstairs, I turn and leave the room. Once I am in my room I shut the door behind me, sit down on my cot and take the envelope out of my backpack. I stare at it for a moment and then let out a sigh because I don't have time to read it right now. I can't afford to have my father see it; he would rip it up before I had the chance to read it.

Placing the envelope in my pillow case where my father won't see it, I leave my room and head into the bathroom. I tear off the bandage on my arm, wash and clean the wound, then cover it once again with a clean bandage. Once that is taken care of I head downstairs to wash the dishes. When I see the pile that awaits me in the kitchen, however, I can't help but let out a groan. There is no use in complaining though, so reluctantly, I get to work.

 

~*~

 

Once I am finished taking out the garbage I enter the house and head into the kitchen to put the dirty dishes from dinner in the sink to be washed in the morning. Jason is sitting at the kitchen table eating his dessert and gives me a sympathetic smile when he sees me. I ruffle his hair affectionately and he swats my hand away with a scowl on his face, which manages to only make me laugh. He rolls his eyes but the smile tugging at his lips gives him away. He doesn't honestly hate when I mess around with him, he just doesn't like to admit it.

As soon as I place the last of the dishes in the sink, father enters the room and, in a slurred voice, tells me to go clean up the bottles in the living room. Without a word I do as I am told; letting out a sigh when I see that he has added a few more bottles since I returned home from school. I quickly gather the bottles and place them in the recycle bin. Even though there are no more beer bottles in the room it reeks of alcohol. This makes my nose wrinkle in disgust and I hurriedly spray the room with cinnamon air freshener in an attempt to make it smell better.

My whole body tenses, however, when I hear my father yell at Jason to go to his room. I just know this is bad news for me. I try to stay calm as I hear footsteps headed in my direction and I turn around to face him; apprehension clear on my face. He glares angrily at me and I can't help but wonder what I've _done wrong_ now.

“What’s wro...?” I go to say, but get punched in the face before I can finish my sentence.

My eye is throbbing painfully but I refrain from tending to it because that would just piss him off further.

"I didn't say you could speak... so shut the hell up!" He screams in my face and I can't help but flinch when the alcohol on his breath hits my nose.

He suddenly pushes me roughly and I stumble backward. Before I can regain my balance I crash into the coffee table and fall to the floor; landing on my back. He stalks over to where I have fallen and, using all his strength, he kicks me in my side. I grunt in pain from the force of his kick and try to crawl away but his foot lands on my chest; stopping my movements.

_What's he gonna do to me?_ I think to myself as I try to convey with my eyes that I am not scared, though I am not too sure it is working.

He towers over my small frame and I shiver at the flame I see burning within his eyes.

"It is all your fault!" He screams as his foot applies pressure to my chest.

"What is?" I choke out in confusion.

"Your mother left because of you, it's your fault she left me!" He continues to scream as he lowers himself to straddle my waist and pin me down by my shoulders.

I realize that now would not be the best of times to anger him, but the alcohol has him in a sharing kind of mood, and I _really_ want to know why he hates me so much. If I were ever to get the truth out of him, an honest answer, now seems to be that time.

Trying not to appear as timid as I feel, I look into his eyes and don't flinch away when I ask the burning question on my mind. "Why... I know there was a point in time that you loved me, what made that change? Why do you hate me so much?"

The expression that crosses his face is one of surprise; unprepared for the question. He answers the one question that has always baffled me, though.

"You're a bastard child, and for five years I never knew it." He actually looks wistful and kind of sad as he says this. "Then one day, the guilt ate at your mother and she confessed to me that she had cheated. I was furious, but what made it worse was it was around the time she got pregnant with _you_." He spits out the word like it is acid on his tongue.

All I can do is stare up at him in shocked silence, my mother never seemed like the cheating kind to me. She always seemed so loving; sticking by his side even when she knew what he did sometimes was beyond justifiable. She is a loyal woman; someone I can't imagine being reduced to cheating. I honestly don't know if I should believe him, it wouldn't be the first time he has lied to me, after all. Yet, I don't see why he would lie about this, either. I feel torn, unsure which way lies the truth.

"You're not mine, and I'll be damned if I'll love and care for a thing that belongs to another man. You’re a constant reminder of your mother's indiscretion; I can't even stand the sight of you," he spits down into my face.

"This can't be true, I _know_ I'm your son, I can't be someone else's. You don't know for sure, have you ever had a test done?" I'm aware of the fact that I'm pleading with him, but I can't stop myself.

"I don't need a test to tell me what I already know, you’re not my son and I wish you had never been born," he says in anger and hatred. The pain stabs my soul; I am aching from the inside out.

"I should kill you for ruining my life, but I know that would be too easy on you." He sneers. "You probably want me to put you out of your misery, don't you,” he seethes.

I open my mouth to answer but he punches me before I can get a word out. I feel blood running down my chin and flinch when I run my tongue over my split lip. He sneers when he sees my expression and leans down so he can whisper in my ear.

"No, I'm not going to kill you, what I'm going to do is _much_ worse. I promise you'll be in so much pain by the time I'm finished with you." His voice is cold and takes on an evil tone as he says these last words, "It'll be a long time before you can sit down again."

My eyes widen when realization hits me as to what his plans are. All I can think is, _not again, I can't let him do this to me again._

He laughs when I begin struggling in earnest to throw him off me; the growing panic inside my chest worsens when I feel his hand on the zipper of my jeans. To do this, however, he had to remove his hand from my shoulder; so, with the advantage of my right arm, I do the one thing I have always been too afraid to do: I punch him right in the face.

This momentarily stuns him, not so much from pain but rather from surprise, and gives me the opportunity to push him off of me. Not wasting any time, I climb to my feet and run in the direction of the front door. However, as soon as I get it open, my father lunges and slams the door closed; making sure to lock it.

I can't stop the scream that escapes my throat when he grabs me by the shoulders and throws me against the wall. He advances on me when I fall to the floor and, even though I try to crawl away, he grabs a hold of my injured wrist and pins me with his weight. He uses one of his knees to keep my right arm down and his hand secures my left. No matter how hard I struggle I can't get him off of me and I close my eyes tightly when I feel his hand on my jeans again.

I can't help but let out a whimper when I feel him release the button and then the sound of my zipper being pulled down reaches my ears. I feel helpless under his hands; I wish I could go someplace else within my mind so I could escape what is happening to me.

"Dad! What are you doing?" Jason's horrified voice instantly reaches my ears and I turn my head in his direction to find that his facial expression matches his voice.

"Jason, go to your room." My father responds in a rough tone of voice.

"No, I can't let you do this!" Jason says in a strong, firm voice. "You've gone too far and I can't ignore this anymore... I shouldn't have in the first place."

My father releases a growl of anger as he pulls me to my feet and takes a strong hold of Jason's arm. I see the wince that crosses his features and I punch my father in the arm; telling him to release my brother and to stop hurting him. He ignores me, however, and simply drags us up the stairs. We are reluctant to go, of course, which makes it difficult on him but doesn't stop him, either.

As soon as we reach the second floor he practically pushes Jason into his room and locks the door before he can get out. Jason is screaming now but my father ignores him as he drags me to his room. My pants have fallen to my ankles, making it hard for me to walk, but he doesn't stop for me to pull them up.

Once inside, he throws me roughly onto his bed and all I can do is watch in horror as he shuts the door; locking it in the process. My heart sinks at the fact that I am trapped and can't stop the inevitable from happening.

 

~*~

 

I am thrown into the hallway, none too gently, and shivering. Part is from nudity and part is from excruciating pain. He throws my clothes at me before slamming the door shut; leaving me alone. Tears are streaming down my face, with no signs of stopping any time soon. The pain I am in is intense but I somehow manage to put my clothes back on.

Jason is yelling again, so I limp my way over to the door to let him out. As soon as the door is unlocked he thrusts it open and rushes into my arms. It is a challenge to maintain my balance but I somehow manage not to topple over. After a moment, he pulls away and looks over my form as tears fall down his already stained cheeks.

"I could hear you screaming." He whispers in a broken voice. "I couldn’t do anything to help you. He was hurting you and I was locked in my room, I'm so worthless," he cries onto my shoulder.

"Don't even think that!" I say firmly. "You are _not_ worthless Jason."

"I'm sorry I couldn't help you," he says looking so young with tears in his eyes. "Can you forgive me?"

"There's nothing to forgive." I reply sincerely with a soft, small smile.

"We have to call the police, this can't keep happening," he says as he grabs my hand and begins dragging me towards the stairs.

I can't help but flinch from the pain this causes and I stop Jason in his tracks. "I don't want to do this Jason; I just want to be alone for a while."

"We can't let him get away with this Jen!" His voice expresses his disbelief.

"It's too soon after... after what just happened. What if... they’ll know,” I say lowering my head as I say this; unable to look him in the eyes.

I hear the sigh that escapes him and I am slightly startled when he pulls me in for a hug; unable to stop myself from tensing momentarily. "Alright, but you have to promise me you'll think about telling the police tomorrow. If you don't, I will."

From his tone of voice I can tell that he is serious and I can't say I am happy with him forcing me into telling the cops about what is happening but I understand why he wants me to. It isn't that I don't want to put my father behind bars, it is just that I am terrified of telling anyone about the abuse I have endured; don't like the thought of having to explain it all in detail. I haven't told anyone before and I am nervous about how someone on the outside will react. Will they believe me? That question is what scares me the most.

Without saying a word, I answer Jason's question with a nod of my head. He frowns, though, because I technically didn't promise him anything. I walk to my room, leaving him alone in the hall. Once the door is shut behind me I walk further into the room and, as carefully as I can manage, sit down on the floor.

Leaning back against my cot, I pull my legs up against my chest and cover my face with my hands as tears spill from my eyes. Sobs wrack my body as my mind focuses on my life. More importantly, I can't stop thinking about what my father just did to me. I never wanted to experience that again; in a way I never expected him to do it again. But, here I am, in the exact same position that I was years ago. I don't know if I can handle much more of this until it kills me, maybe not literally but I am sure it will kill me emotionally.

Before I know what hits me, the nausea is like a wave and I have no time to get up and run to the washroom. Leaning over I throw up on the bedroom floor, gasping and dry heaving as tears continue to choke me. I can feel a slow trickle of something coming from my ass and it just makes me heave even more. When I think that I am done, and the room stops spinning, I sit up and look at the mess on my carpet, my father will kill me for it later, but I could really care less. I find it hard to care about anything at the moment. I feel so lost, worthless, and, most of all, dirty. How could my own father do such a thing to me? _Oh wait, he says he’s not my father_ , I think to myself. I don't care what he thinks, I know in my heart he is my biological father, and he just raped his _son_. He doesn't believe it, or want to acknowledge it, but that is what he just did.

I take a deep breath to calm myself and try to push down the hatred I feel in my chest, at least for now anyway. Pulling my pillow down from my cot, I take out the envelope; laying it on my lap. I am a little afraid to find out what Jared has to say, but I know that I need to read what this letter says. Plus, maybe it will keep my mind off of my current predicament, for the time being, at least.

Slowly, I open the envelope and take out the folded piece of paper; taking a deep breath as I begin to read the words neatly written in black ink.

  
_Jensen,_

_I didn't know how else to get through to you and have you listen to what I have to say since you won't talk to me, so I figured that my best bet would be to write you a letter. I really hope it reaches inside you and brings you back to me instead of pushing you further away. And I don't mean so much as bring you back to me in the sense of our relationship but as my friend. Not that I wouldn't love to have you back in my arms, it's just that I will take whatever you are willing to give. I hope you understand what I am trying to say._

_I don't know exactly what you are going through at home, so I won't even pretend to understand or make any accusations like I have been doing. I just want to make it clear that I am here for you whenever you need me and I desperately want you to know that you can tell me anything. I hope you realize that I would never judge you, look down on you, or think any less of you. Also, I hope you don't get angry with me for mentioning this again, if you are in fact getting abused like I suspect... please tell me, I want to help you, even if only in the sense of giving you someone to talk to about it. I can be that outlet for you. Though, I must admit, I will always want you to tell the police, or someone at school. I hate the thought of someone hurting you, especially your father, and not doing anything to stop it._

_The point of this letter is to tell you that I know what you're trying to do and I must tell you now, it's not going to work. You can't push me away like this, Jen, 'cause I am not going anywhere. I am going to be here for you every step of the way, whether you want me to or not. I care about you Jensen, and most of all you're my best friend, I'm not going to let that go so easily. I love you and I know that you love me too, even if you never allow us to be together again I will always be your friend. I will always try to regain our relationship, of course, but I won't allow myself to lose you all together. I am serious when I say I'm not going anywhere, so stop wasting your time by trying to push me away._

_I know I haven't been the loyalist of friends, but I promise you can trust me... I will never hurt you again. Please, confide in me Jen. I am begging you to find it in your heart to trust me again, I am missing you so damn much babe. I need you in my life, and I know I'm young but I can't live without you. I have never cared about someone as deeply as I care about you. I know I haven't said it, and I'm sorry it took me so long, but I'm in love with you Jensen. I tried to move on from you but I just couldn't do it. I found myself comparing everyone to you; I feel like I can't breathe without you. I know how cliché that sounds but it's true. For me it's you, you're the only one for me... it has always been you, and there will never be anyone else._

_Please come back to me Jen..._

_Love,_   
_Jared_

  
Tears fill my eyes as I read the last of the letter, though these tears weren't born from pain rather from overwhelming love. I never realized just how much he cared about me. I had figured he would be hurt for a while and then move on to the next person easily. I had thought that was what he was doing with Oliver, but now I know the truth. He even said he loved me; that he is in love with me. He hasn't told me he loved me before; I was always the only one to say that sentiment. But he has said it now, even if just written in a letter; I can't ignore that. He is reaching out to me, his last attempt, and I am not going to run from him like I would have before.

Ignoring the burst of pain that burns through me I get up and go to the telephone. With a shaky hand I dial the number and listen to the other end ring. After about the fifth ring I go to hang up the phone, feeling sad and upset. Just as I am about to hang up I hear the voice on the other end.

“Hello...”

I can’t say a word; there are so many emotions flowing through my body at this particular moment; fear, pain, humiliation... love that I have to take a heavy sigh before I can speak. The tears start to roll down my face as I open my mouth up to talk...

“Jared... I need you.”


	34. Someone to Confide in

As I get closer to Jared's house I am beginning to think this wasn’t the best time to talk to him. For one it’s pretty late at night and I have never left the house at 9:30 at night before; second the pain racing through my body is almost unbearable. I have to stop several times to catch my breath and ease the pain that is shooting up my back and my ass. Jared on the phone though was pretty adamant that I come over.

_“Jen...is that you?”_

_“Jared... I... I need you.”_

_“Oh God babe, do you want me to come get you?”_

_“No! Is it okay if I come over to your place?”_

_“Of course you can. I’ll keep an eye out for you. Jensen... I love you.”_

Hearing his voice on the phone calmed me down some, but as I round the corner and see his house, I’m starting to get nervous. I can see all the lights are on downstairs while upstairs is completely dark. His mom is probably sleeping. I hope I don’t wake her up, I’m not sure how she would feel about me coming over at ten o’clock at night and the last thing I want is another scene like the last time I was at his house.

The pain in my ass has gotten worse since I left my house and I am freezing. I can feel a small trickle of liquid oozing from ass and I just hope that I can get the chance to use the washroom before I sit and talk to Jared. I see a form in the window and can only suspect that it is him. My heart is beating faster with fear. As I walk up his driveway the front door opens and a tall figure is standing there.

In my mind a war has begun, I am conflicted between inching closer to the open door and running back to my house as fast as I can. Before I can do the latter the figure in the door speaks.

“Hello Jensen.”

I am taken aback when the figure is not Jared, but his mother. She is looking at me in disbelief while I open my mouth only to close it again; trying to find something to say. The longer we stare at each other, however, the more the tension grows between us and I have the sudden urge to run away.

"I, uh... I just came to talk to Jared, but... I'm just gonna go." I say, averting my eyes away from hers and slowly making my way back down the driveway. "Can you just tell him that I stopped by?"

I quickly turn around and start to walk away as fast as I can but her hand on my shoulder stops me in my tracks. I can't stop myself from flinching and she must have felt it because she quickly retracts her hand. I look at her in shame for a moment until I can no longer look at her and I turn my head to look at the ground.

"J.T. is here sweetie; you can talk to him now," her eyes are warm as she says this. I find it comforting and have to stop myself from clinging to her and crying; only making me miss my own mother more.

She gives me a soft smile as I nod my head and she steers me into the house. Once we are inside she shuts the door behind us and I see Jared sitting on the couch in the living room. His face looks streaked with tears and it makes my heart ache for him. I just stand awkwardly by the door.

“Well I’ll leave you boys alone to talk. If you need anything I’ll be right upstairs, JT,” she says and places a soft hand on my back. “You boys take all the time you need,” she says with a wink and heads up the stairs.

Standing alone with Jared my heartbeat doubles in rate as he gets up and walks over to me. I silently wonder if I can go through with this; if I can tell him the secret I have been keeping for so long.

He stops directly in front of me and inspects my face with his eyes. I feel all of my defenses slip, the wall that I have been hiding behind begins to crumble. No matter how hard I clench my eyes shut to not allow one tear to fall, it only takes a small feather light touch to my cheek and a few soft words to break me.

“I’ve got you,” he says as I fall into his arms and burry my face in his shoulder and cry.

After what feels like hours I pull myself together enough to talk.

"I'm so sorry Jared; please forgive me for hurting you." I whisper in his ear. "I never intentionally wanted to hurt you, I hope you know that," I say with shame in my voice.

He pulls back to look into my eyes and wipes away the tears that are sliding down my cheeks with his thumbs. I lean into his touch and look back up at him with watery eyes. "Do you want to go up to my room and talk?"

"Yeah, I would, we have a lot to talk about." I answer in a softer voice than usual.

Without another word, he takes my hand in his and leads me upstairs. There is silence between us as we enter his room. I carefully take a seat on his bed while he shuts the door; giving us some privacy. I have never felt more nervous than I do at this moment. I was nervous when I told him how I feel about him, but even that moment doesn't compare to how I am feeling right now.

I shift restlessly on his bed, relieving some of the pressure on my abused ass, as he grabs his computer chair and places it directly in front of me. He sits down and takes my hand; offering me some reassurance. I smile weakly and look down at our hands; trying to find the words to express everything. He is looking at me patiently; giving me time to gather the courage to speak. He has been waiting so long for me to confide in him, so I won't back out now, I can't stand the thought of disappointing him again.

He said in his letter that he won't judge me, and from his words I know he has the right idea of what is happening to me, I know I can tell him the truth and he will be supportive; he won't be disgusted or leave me. It is still difficult to tell him, though, simply because I have kept it to myself all these years.

"I got your letter," I say. Figuring this was a good place to start the conversation.

"I guess you being here is a good indication that you're not mad at me." He says with a small, shy smile.

"It really opened my eyes, along with other things of course, but your letter is the main thing that brought me here tonight. I know it's really late, but this couldn't wait till the morning and there's no way we could've had this conversation at school." I take a deep breath before continuing, "I want to tell you the truth, you deserve the truth, and I only hope it doesn't push you away."

"Nothing you say could ever push me away," he says firmly. I want to believe his words but if I told him that my father raped me _again_... would he be supportive then?

"My life isn't great Jay; I am very ashamed of it." I say as I look down at my hands; finding it difficult to look him in the eyes. "I've been afraid to tell you, or anyone else for that matter, because I wasn't sure how you'd react. I haven't told a living soul, but you've been right all along... I am being... I'm being abused at home."

I feel his grip tighten on my hand before I hear him speak. "I am so sorry Jensen, I... I wish I had done or said something sooner," he says with his voice filled with remorse and sympathy.

I don't comment on this, I simply continue talking to keep from being detoured from what needs to be said; brought out into the open.

"It all started when I was five years old, which was when my father became an alcoholic."

A gasp escapes his throat as he places his free hand against his mouth; looking at me with disbelieving eyes. "How could you keep this in for so long?"

"I've been too afraid to tell anyone." I reply defensively, though I know he didn't mean that in a judgmental way. I guess old habits just die hard. "I mean, what if they didn't believe me? In my opinion it just wasn't worth the risk, my father would kill me if he found out that I told anyone."

He looks torn, but nods his head nonetheless. "I can understand that, but, Jen, you're _always_ hurt. Trust me when I say that _no one_ would call you a liar."

"I guess there is a part of me that believes that, but a larger part of me is terrified. I've never told anyone Jared, you're the first one to know."

"And I'm really glad you're talking to me, means a lot to know you trust me." He moves to sit beside me, so I turn my body slightly; facing him once again. "It kills me to know how much he has hurt you. He's the one who broke your wrist, wasn't he?"

I nod my head in confirmation. "He's done practically everything you can imagine to me. He has broken my wrist, burnt me with cigarettes, burnt my arm on the stove; he beats me almost everyday," I say slightly ashamed.

I can see him cringe as I list off all my father's forms of punishment, but I continue because I know I can't stop now, I don’t want to. I want him to know everything. I feel as if a weight has lifted off my shoulders as I am finally talking, opening up to Jared.

"You know when I was away from school for that week,” I say meekly, not waiting for an answer. “He locked me in the closet for days with only water to drink and no bathroom breaks,” I pause there, taking a breath, but not wanting to see the hurt in Jared’s eyes. After a moment I continue. “I am so skinny, unhealthily, because he won't allow me to eat full meals. He has even strangled me to the point where I fell unconscious," I say and finally look up into Jared’s eyes. There are tears glistening in his eyes, so I give him a small smile that is meant to be comforting, even though my eyes are watery with tears as well.

"I knew you were being abused at home, but Jensen... I never realized how serious it was," he shakes his head and looks at me with remorseful eyes; fear hidden within their depths, fear he feels for me.

I feel the bed shift as he moves even closer to me and puts his hand on my bandaged wrist. “He did this didn’t he,” he simply asks.

Tears build within my eyes but I blink rapidly to rid myself of them. "When... when you saw this today I was afraid you thought that I had tried to kill myself... that hurt me really bad because I don't ever want you thinking badly of me," I say and hang my head in shame.

There is silence between us for a minute and as I raise my head to look at him he opens his mouth to speak. I see the hurt in his eyes and I place my fingers against his lips to silence him. "Please, just let me explain this to you." I take a deep breath before continuing, "I had been really depressed one day and had written down some lyrics about... well, suicide. They were only words, though; I had no intentions of harming myself." I say this last part quickly when I see his eyes widen; wanting to reassure him. "I'm not suicidal, so don't worry about that."

"So, I'm guessing he read it," he says more of a statement than a question, but I nod my head solemnly nonetheless.

"He was really pissed off, so to punish me he decided to show me what it would feel like to try and... well, commit suicide," I whisper brokenly.

Jared gasps in shock and shakes his head in disbelief. "He's the one who cut your wrists! God, Jen, if I had known I wouldn't have accused you of such a thing. Why didn't you just tell me the truth if you didn't want me thinking you were capable of something like that?"

"I almost did, but that Oliver guy interrupted me." I respond quietly, unable to look at Jared and see how he has reacted to my words. "I'm sorry Jay, I know I should've told you, but I just couldn't when he showed up. I couldn't handle being around you and the guy you had been flirting with, so I did what I do best: I ran away."

Tears begin to fall from my eyes and I can't seem to stop them now; ashamed of my weakness. Jared pulls me into his arms and I collapse against him, burying my face between his neck and shoulder.

"Knowing you were moving on without me just about killed me. I know I said I wanted you to, but I lied. I knew that you were hurting because you couldn't see me as often as you wanted to and that's why I broke up with you. I couldn't stand hurting you any longer, so I let you go. I was trying to be courageous and do the right thing," I sob.

He holds onto me tightly; kissing the top of my head affectionately. "I tried to move on, tried to pretend I was interested in Oliver, but he wasn't you," he whispers in my ear. His hot breath hitting the side of my face and making me cry even harder. "I'm glad it didn't go any further than it did because I only want you Jen, there's no one else that can have my heart 'cause you already claimed it."

I pull back to look him in the eyes and I find them full of sincerity. Jared moves forward and presses our lips together. “I love you Jen...so much,” he says and licks my tears off his lips. I don't even try to stop the wide smile that forms on my face as I cup his cheek with my hand. "I love you Jared, always have and always will, I promise you that."

With one last caress of my hand on his cheek, I lean forward and place another tender kiss on his lips. He returns the kiss happily, placing his hand on the back of my neck and pressing his lips more firmly against my own. I slowly tilt my head to deepen the kiss and he slips his tongue inside my mouth; knowing he doesn't need to ask for permission. I can't stop the moan that escapes my throat when our tongues make contact and I can feel his lips turn upward in a smile as he pulls me further against him. I just hang onto his arms and kiss him like my very life depends on it.

I have to pull out of the kiss, however, when my brain registers a sharp pain in my lower lip; smiling a bit shyly. He smiles widely at me and in return my own broadens. With soft fingers, he caresses the palm of my right hand and looks into my eyes pleadingly while all I can do is stare back at him questionably.

He lets out a sigh but doesn't remove his eyes from mine. “I’m sorry you had to go through so much Jensen, I just wish that there was _some_ way I could take that pain away for you. I would never break your trust, you know that, but I'm hoping that you will tell someone... someone other than me,” he says and clutches his hand in mine.

Right away I know what he is talking about and I release a sigh of my own. "I don't know if I can do that Jay," I say cautiously.

"You can't just keep it a secret forever. Whether you realize it or not, by staying quiet you're protecting him, and I _know_ that's the last thing you really want to do," he says bending down trying to make eye contact with me.

"Of course I don't, it's just...," I trail off as I look at him with watery eyes. "It's just that I'm scared Jay... I’m so scared," I speak softly.

His eyes hold such warmth that I can't help but find them comforting. "It's understandable that you're scared, babe, but you can't let him get away with this. You don't deserve this Jen, and you have the power to stop it. I'll be right there with you... you don't have to do this alone."

I look at him hesitantly but the sincerity I find within his eyes reassures me and gives me the courage that I need. "Alright, tomorrow at school I'll tell someone. I'll tell the nurse 'cause she's been bugging me about this for months."

Seeing his eyes light up feels like I have just received a gift; I would love to keep him this happy for the rest of his life if it were possible. This means that I have to tell the nurse because I refuse to disappoint him, I can't let him down now. I will tell her about the abuse, just as I have told Jared, but there is no way I am willing to tell either of them about the rape. Admitting to the abuse is one thing, but the rape... I would die of humiliation. That is one thing I _never_ want anyone to know about!

Eagerly, he pulls me into his arms; hugging me tightly and placing chaste kisses all over my face. I want to laugh at his actions but all I can manage to do is smile, he is just too cute sometimes. "Thank you Jensen, I promise you won't regret it."

"I'm not doing this just for myself," I confess with the beginnings of a smile tugging at my lips. "I'm doing this for Jason as well, so he doesn't go through what I have had to."

"That's gives you more of a reason to tell the nurse, if not for yourself than do it for your brother." He states as if I am going to back out or something, which I know is what he is afraid of.

Gently, I take his hand in mine and lean forward so our lips are brushing lightly. "Don't worry Jay, I'm going to tell her everything tomorrow, and I promise I won't back out of it."

This brings a smile to his face as he motions for me to move further up the bed and once I have done so we lie down beside each other; his hand lying atop my stomach while my hand caresses his arm.

"I love you Jen." He whispers against my shoulder after placing a soft kiss there.

"God, I love you too Jared," I say as sleep takes me over.

 

~*~

 

My stomach is fluttering nervously as we make our way down the hall, and the closer we get to the nurse's office the more anxious I become. I want to just forget this whole idea and run in the opposite direction, but I know that I can't. Jared keeps squeezing my hand to give me some reassurance and comfort and it helps a little, but I am still terrified. I know that this is something I have to do, however, so with this in mind, and Jared's comforting presence, it gives me the strength I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

As we walk I spot our friends heading our way and have to refrain myself from releasing the groan that so desperately wants to be let free. It isn't that I am not happy to see them; it is just that I don't want to explain everything to them as well as the nurse. I am not too sure I have the energy, or courage, to explain this a third time.

Chad's jaw drops open when he looks at my battered face and I can't stop myself from looking away in shame. I know I am not looking my best right now with a black eye, a cut just below my right cheek bone, and a split lip.

"My God, Jensen, what happened to you?" Tom asks in shock as he inspects my face with his eyes. I can feel the weight of his stare and it is making me uncomfortable and self conscious.

"There's no way that could have been an accident, so what happened?" Chad asks in a demanding tone of voice and I can't stop myself from recoiling at the sound. Jared squeezes my hand reassuringly though, and I meekly lift my head to make eye contact with Chad.

"I was beaten up," I answer shakily.

Jared steps in front of me and tells the guys that he’ll explain later. I silently thank him by squeezing his hand in mine.

"We're on our way to the nurse right now... Jensen has something he needs to talk to her about," he continues.

After a moment, realization dawns on Tom and his eyes light up as he turns to me; pulling me in for a one armed hug. "I'm proud of you Jenny; it's good to hear you're finally sticking up for yourself. We'll be here to support you, whatever you need,” he says a little chocked up.

I just nod and smile weakly before releasing a stuttering sigh. "Alright, Jay, let's get this over with before I lose the nerve," I say looking up at him.

He just nods his head and remains silent as he leads me over to the nurse's office. Once we reach it, however, I feel like I am going to have a panic attack and look over at Jared with wide, pleading eyes. He grabs me firmly by the shoulders and looks into my eyes and says, "You can do this Jen, you know you can; I have faith in you."

I let out a sigh before taking a deep breath, but it doesn't really help to calm me down. My heart continues to beat a million miles a minute, or at least that is how it feels, and the itch to run away just gets worse. I am having serious doubts about this whole idea, I don't know if I can go through with this.

"Are you sure about that Jay, because I am terrified right now,” I say. Along with my body, my voice is shaking. "I'm definitely not feeling too confident right now," I add.

"I can understand that you're afraid, but think about how much your life will change when you tell someone about this finally." He pulls me into his arms as he says this and embraces me tightly. "Your life will be _so much_ better, you'll actually be able to _live_ ; have a life. There'll be no more beatings, you'll be able to eat when you want to, you'll finally be able to be a teenager... you'll be free," he adds.

His words break through the panic my mind is being tortured with and I realize that he is right. I give him a small, sheepish smile before hugging him one last time. "Thanks Jay, I don't know what I'd do without you. I'm ready to talk to the nurse now."

He simply nods his head and motions for me to knock on the door. With a deep breath, I raise my fist and knock on the white door and patiently wait to be let in. As soon as she opens the door there is a mixture of emotions on her face, surprise because I am coming to her on my own free will and sympathy for my battered face.

"Is there something I can do for you Jensen?" She asks encouragingly with a glint of hope in her eyes.

"I need to talk to you," I say softly; nervously. "I need to tell you the truth," I say and look directly at Jared.

At these words a wide smile grows on her face and she nods her head; motioning for me to enter the room.

“You want me to wait here babe,” he asks in a whisper only loud enough for me to hear.

“Please... I can’t to do this without you,” I say and grab his hand as I enter the room.

Taking a seat on one of the plastic chairs against the wall, I wait until she is sitting across from me before I take a deep breath; holding tightly to Jared's hand as I begin telling my story for the second time in the last few hours.


	35. A New Beginning

As my story comes to an end it feels as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I let out a deep sigh of relief. The nurse, who I have learned is named Miss Perkins, is looking sympathetic, disgusted, and angry all rolled into one. I know she isn't disgusted with _me_ , but with what has been happening to me. Talking to her and telling her my secret had been difficult, but it wasn't as hard as I thought it was gonna be and it wasn't as terrifying either; not with Jared beside me. Once I started talking it just seemed to get easier as I went along and she was very supportive; listening intently to every word. She didn't judge me, she was very encouraging, to be honest. As odd as this is, I was very much at ease talking with her. She made me feel very comfortable and I had no problems opening up to her. I feel a little bad thinking back to all the times she was only trying to get me to trust her and to confide in her.

Jared was by my side the whole time; offering silent support. He never added his own input or told her anything I had said to him because he knew I had to do this on my own and the words had to come from _my_ mouth. He held my hand throughout the entire conversation and would squeeze it whenever I found it difficult to talk about the things that hurt me the most. I felt more confident having him there while I told her every last detail of my life; his presence was like a security blanket to me. Without him I don't know if I would have had the strength to go through with this.

I watch as Miss Perkins shakes her head in disbelief and, slowly, she walks over to the phone on her desk. Before picking up the receiver, though, she turns back to me and gives me a pained smile.

“Jensen you were very brave to tell me everything that has been going on. I know how very hard this was for you,” she says wiping at a small tear that had dropped onto her cheek. “I just have one more question and it’s not easy for me to ask you this, but it is not uncommon for any type of...” she takes a deep breath before she can continue. “Did your father ever touch you sexually? I only ask because with everything that you have gone through, the abuse emotionally and physically, it would not be uncommon for some type of sexual abuse to happen as well. It’s not your fault Jensen, you have to know that none of this is your fault and if he ever did... touch you that way, it’s not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of,” she finishes off.

My heart raced in my chest and I’m sure that Jared felt me tense up as soon as she mentioned the words _touch you sexually_. I shift uneasily on my chair, my ass still so sore from the abuse the other night. I glance at Jared and the look in his eyes was one of despair. He had been through enough with everything I have told him, I couldn’t add to this with more of what happened to me, the very worst part.

“No... He never... he never touched me that way,” I say in a whispered, defeated tone. I tried to look her straight in the eyes when I said it, but I just couldn’t. The crack in my voice nearly gave me away until I just coughed and cleared my throat.  
  
"Okay Jensen,” she simply said. “I'm going to have to notify the principle of this, as well as the authorities," she keeps steady eye contact with me as she informs me of this. "I won't lie to you; this will be a difficult process. Your father will be arrested while you and your brother will be sent to live with a foster family. That means you could very well be moving out of town if they can't find any foster parents for you here. They will most likely do that, anyway, since they'll want to get you as far away from your father as possible."

My eyes are wide when she says this. It is something that I did not think about, moving away... leaving Jared. I choke out a sob, but nod my head. Jared pulls me into his arms and strokes my head, whispering words of encouragement.

“Jen... it’ll be okay. I don’t want you to worry about me, we’re gonna make this work, Jensen. I want you to be safe... I love you,” he whispers the last part in my ear.

"Do what you have to," I say softly; unable to look at her.

At this, she turns away from us and calls to inform the principle before making another call to the police. During this time Jared and I step out of her office to let our friends know how everything went. They are waiting anxiously right outside of the room and rush over to us when they notice that we are heading in their direction.

All at once they throw questions at us and we have to put our hands up to silence them long enough to speak. It means a lot to me to know how much they care, I couldn't ask for better friends. After a moment they finally calm down and Jared begins to explain what is going to happen.

"So, they're gonna put you in a foster home?" Tom asks with a frown on his face. "What about your mom? Couldn't you go live with her?"

"I, uh... I don't even know if she'd want us." I answer truthfully, even though the subject makes me uncomfortable and sad.

"Why would you say that?" Chad asks in obvious confusion.

"She hasn't tried to see us since she left; she hasn't even called to see if we're alright." I say with downcast eyes. "I guess it's safe to say she doesn't care."

"I'm sure that's not true." Mike says soothingly, but I can tell he isn't sure what to think either.

Before I can comment on this, Miss Perkins comes out of her office and tells me that the police are on their way and if I could wait in the principal’s office. I nod my head and Jared begins to walk with me in that direction, but her voice stops us. We turn to face her only to be told that the police will only want to speak to me alone. This makes me feel nervous and scared, but I understand that this is something I have to do and I won't chicken out now, not when I have gotten this far.

"What will happen after he talks to the police?" Jared asks curiously and I wait to hear the answer.

"Well, from what I understand, they are already contacting some foster parents, so once they're done talking with Jensen they'll be taking him to his new home so he can get settled in," she explains.

I watch as Jared's face falls and wish I could make his mood brighter, but I am unsure how. "So, that doesn't leave me much time with him, does it?" He asks softly, hurt showing through his tone of voice.

"You'll have enough time to say goodbye, but I'm afraid you won't have enough time for much else," she says regretfully; sensing the bond between us.

He nods his head in understanding and turns back towards me and pulls me close. "I don't care about me, I'm just glad you're finally getting what you've deserved all along," he says with a sincere smile and giving me a quick hug.

I hug him back tightly; needing that comfort and unsure when I will have the chance to embrace him again. After a moment, we pull away and I give each of my friends a hug. If I don't have the time to say goodbye properly later then I want to take the opportunity right now. It hurts to know I probably won't see them every day, but I guess that is something I will have to learn to live with. It is the price I have to pay for making my life and Jason’s better.

"Thanks for sticking by me, guys, even though I did nothing but try and push you away. You'll never know how much your friendship means to me, you stuck by me even though practically the whole school thinks I'm a freak. You've helped me through some very hard times and I'll never be able to express how grateful I am," I say with a soft, yet sad smile. "Even if I never see you again because of what is happening, I want you to know you're the best friends I have and I couldn't ask for better. I'm gonna miss you guys."

"Don't act like this is goodbye because I see it more as... see you later," Milo says confidently as he pats my arm in a friendly gesture.

The rest of my friends agree with these words and I smile gratefully. At this moment Miss Perkins reminds me that I am wanted in the principal’s office and, with a heavy sigh, I ask them to wish me luck before I begin walking away slowly.

“Jen!” Jared yells running up to me. “I... I love you. I want you to know how proud I am of you, and that I’ll always love you,” he says and presses his tear slick lips with mine.

“I love you too Jay... more than you’ll ever know. You gave me the strength to do this, thank you,” I say and kiss him more deeply, forgetting we are in the middle of the hall. We break apart and I can see the smiles on my friend’s faces behind Jared.

I take a deep breath once more and head to the office. Once I reach my destination my whole body is shaking with nerves and fear. The receptionist tells me to just head into the principal’s office and I find a police officer already there standing by the desk when I enter the room.

"Have a seat Jensen," Principal Snyder says and motions to one of the chairs in front of his desk for me to sit down.

The officer comes and sits on Principal Snyder’s desk and takes out a pad of paper.

"First off, my name is Alex MaCaffey and I only have a few questions for you. I'll make this process as quick as possible," the officer says from the desk. I silently nod my head in answer. "Can you tell me how long you've been being abused?"

I take a deep, calming breath before answering. "Ever since I was five, so it's been a long time. Before you ask, though, the reason I've kept it a secret for so long is because I've been too afraid to say anything... I'm terrified of him; what he'd do if no one believed me."

"I've seen many cases such as yours and it's understandable that you're frightened of him, so there's no need to explain yourself to me," he reassures, his words are comforting and slowly I feel myself relax. "I couldn't help but notice you have wounds on your face, can you tell me how and when you got them?"

Instantly, tension fills my body once again. "I got them last night, my, uh... my father was very drunk and he... well, he got physical." I chose my words carefully because there is _no way_ I am going to tell him that my own father raped me.

"How often does he get violent with you?" He asks and I can see the concern he is trying not to let show.

"Almost every day," I answer in shame. "Well, it’s mostly every day.”

He doesn't flinch when he hears this but it's a near things as he writes something down on his notepad. "What about your mother?"

"She left about six months ago." I look down at my hands when I say this. "I haven't heard from her since she left."

"Do you have any idea why that is or why she didn't take you with her?" He asks with a deep frown; lines creasing his forehead.

"She had a nervous breakdown a couple of years ago and my father threatened to use it against her in court, saying she's unfit to take care of us on her own. I don't know why she hasn't contacted me and my brother, though, that's something I've been trying to figure out." I say softly as tears fill my eyes; this is a sensitive subject for me.

"Do _you_ think she is incapable of taking care of you and your brother?" He questions with a serious expression on his face.

"No, not at all, she's a great mom!" I reply somewhat defensively.

"Alright, well, this is what will happen now, I'm sending an officer over to your house to arrest your dad and another is picking up your brother from his school as we speak. We have contacted a nice lady named Bethany Watkins and she will be taking you in for a while, she'll be your temporary foster parent. We're gonna try to locate your mother and see what we can do about her getting custody of you and your brother. If things don't work out as planned, if for whatever reason she isn't able to get custody, in the meantime we'll be searching for a more permanent foster family for you." He explains as he motions for me to stand, which I do immediately.

"So, we're going right now?" I ask with wide eyes. "Where does Ms. Watkins live?"

"Yes, it's best that we leave now, and Ms. Watkins lives in San Francisco."

I pale at these words; San Francisco is pretty far away from here. "Can I say goodbye to someone first?"

"Of course, what's their name?" Principal Snyder asks.

"His name is Jared Padalecki." I answer quickly.

"I'll have him meet you out by the car," the principal says and I nod my head in a show of thanks.

With a comforting hand on my shoulder, the kind officer leads me out of the room. As we walk down the hall people stop and stare in curiosity. I keep my head down and try to ignore them the best that I can. This proves to be a difficult feat, however, because I can feel their stares upon me and hear the whispers. Silently tears fall from my eyes. I know this is what is best for me and for Jason, but I can’t stand the thought of not seeing Jared, not being able to talk to him, to touch him.

Once we are outside I can breathe a little easier and I let out a sigh of relief; grateful to be away from prying eyes. There are people out here as well, but not as many as there were in the building.

“Do you mind if I just have a moment alone,” I say to him and point to a nearby bench.

“Of course son, you take as long as you need,” he says and goes to his car as I go and sit at the picnic table off to the side. I can see the police car from here, but it’s to the side of the school so that I am not directly out in front.

I sit down and almost instantly start to bawl. What have I done, what is going to happen to me and Jason? Reality and fear set in; I will probably NEVER see my father again, maybe not my friends... Jared. My body is shaking and I almost don’t feel the hand on my shoulder. I flinch and look up startled. As soon as I see those brown, red rimmed eyes staring down at me, I lose all control.

Jared kneels beside me and just cradles my head in his strong arms. My arms encircle him in a tight embrace and for the life of me I can’t let go.

“I’m sorry Jen, I’m so sorry this is happening. I know you don’t want to go, but I want you to be safe. I’ll live with not seeing you for a little while if in the long run you’ll be safe,” he says and kisses my cheek.

“I... I have to go to San Francisco. The lady he’s putting us with lives in San Francisco. It’s so unfair Jared. I don’t wanna leave you... I don’t think I can make it,” I say and look up into his beautiful eyes.

He pulls back just far enough to connect our lips and I kiss him with all the love I possess. With his hands on both sides of my face, he deepens the kiss and pulls me as close to him as physically possible. His tongue caresses mine affectionately, desperately, and his hand moves to the back of my head to keep it in place.

We pull apart only when we hear a cough from behind us and I turn to see officer MaCaffey looking at us awkwardly. My cheeks turn a deep crimson and I turn to Jared regretfully. He seems to understand as he embraces me tightly before releasing me reluctantly.

"It’s going to be okay Jensen, I promise. I’m going to wait for you, no matter how long it takes. I love you, wanna make love to you," he whispers that last part in my ear and all I can do is smile and feel myself redden with embarrassment.

I squeeze his hand affectionately a smile teasingly, "I'm gonna hold you to that."

I let out a deep, sorrowful sigh when the officer says we have to leave and I hug Jared one last time. I kiss him briefly on the lips and whisper, "Thank you for everything," before pulling away from him begrudgingly.

"I love you Jensen," he says with tears in his eyes.

"I love you too Jay," I respond softly; not wanting to leave him.

With quick movement, he shoves a piece of paper into my hands and tells me to read it on the way to my new home. I look at him in confusion mixed with amusement before silently nodding my head. With one last glance at the one I love, I turn away and get in the passenger seat of the police car. A moment later officer MaCaffey gets in the driver’s seat and starts the engine. I watch Jared's form get smaller in the side mirror until he gradually disappears from view and only once I can't see him anymore do I turn my gaze to watch the scenery that passes by at a rapid pace, tears trickling down my cheeks.

Knowing that the drive is going to be a fairly long one, the officer turns on the radio and I, of course, don't know the song that is playing, but it keeps the silence at bay. My thoughts are focused on other things than the radio, though. I am missing Jared like crazy already; it feels like I'm leaving part of myself behind. I know it will probably be a long time before I see him again and this disheartens me. The last thing I wanted was to be parted from him, it’s gonna kill me. I am also wondering what my life will be like from this point forward. I am sure I will be much happier, but I don't expect it to be easy. I wonder if Jason will be happier now too. At least they aren't separating us.

Instead of thinking about what lies ahead, good or bad, I unfold the piece of paper Jared shoved into my hands and notice right away that the sloppily written words are in fact lyrics from a song, one I have actually heard before. Tears fill my eyes as I read the lines he specifically chose from the song to express how he is feeling.

  
_I took for granted all the times_   
_That I thought would last somehow_   
_I hear the laughter, I taste the tears_   
_But I can't get near you now_

_I wonder how we can survive this romance_   
_But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance_

_Wherever you go, whatever you do_   
_I will be right here waiting for you_   
_Whatever it takes or how my heart breaks_   
_I will be right here waiting for you_

_I love you Jen, always remember that!_   
_Here's my home phone number, 555-1097, give me a call babe._   
_Remember to give me your new address as well, maybe I can convince my mom to drive up for a visit._

_Love Always,_   
_\- Jared -_

  
I refold the letter and place it in my lap as a genuinely happy smile forms on my face. Maybe the distance between us won't tear us apart like I feared it would, maybe our love is strong enough to make it through this unfortunate circumstance. If we truly care for one another, which I'm very positive that we do, than I'm sure we can find a way to make this work. It might be difficult at times, I'm not expecting any less, but I believe in our love; it will help us get through this.

Instead of being saddened by where this has led me, I should be thankful. My father is most definitely going to prison where he belongs. I know that some part of me should be feeling a little bad about that, he is my father after all and a part of me always hoped that he would learn to love me again, but I am actually glad to know he is getting what he deserves. Instead of feeling bad I can't help but feel relieved, he can never hurt me again.

Plus, the police are going to try to locate my mom, and there is a chance that she could regain custody of us. As much as I am hurt by her leaving, I miss her terribly and want her to be a part of my life again. I really don't want to be placed with a foster family until I am old enough to live out on my own, I want to live with my mom, and I know Jason will feel the same way, despite having some resentment towards her. I am sure we can mend the misunderstandings and all the hurt done by her leaving, though. We can get through this, I am sure of it.

I truly owe so much to Jared, I can't help feeling that he has saved me... and, in a way, I guess he kind of did. Without his love and support I never would have had the courage to open up, I will always be grateful for what he has done for me. As scared I am of leaving him behind and the possibility of growing apart and eventually losing him, I have to believe that we can get through this together. We have managed to make it through so much together already; I have faith that this will be no different. He loves me and I love him, we can find a way to make this work. Plus, if my mom regains custody of us, maybe I can convince her to move back to Riverside. I am sure she would have no problems with it, especially once I explain why I want to come back.

No matter what happens from here on out I am sure of one thing: everything will be alright.

 

**.The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lyrics:  
> Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx


End file.
